Little glimpses of the old Riley; I wish I knew what moments he’s talking about. I have felt more myself lately and not like I have to be this strong put together woman who walks proudly next to her prestigious boyfriend. I haven’t felt like I need to hide who I am, and what I’ve been through, since unleashing all the details of my past on Mase. I’ve felt relieved and…free. I’m not sure that’s something I’ve felt before.
“How is that possible?” he asks. “Hating you and loving you all at the same time.”
I watch him turn to me, holding my gaze with his. His eyes searching mine again like I’m the answer key. Only I don’t have all the answers. Lately, I feel like I’m only capable of hating myself. The fact that he also says he loves me is more than I can say about myself. I know I don’t deserve anything good from him.
“I don’t deserve it.”
“Yeah, which one would that be? My love or my hate.”
I choke on the emotions bubbling up my chest. “Your love. I deserve all of your hate.”
Jon kneels in front of me, placing his hands on my knees. “I thought so too, especially after meeting Kiley. Her eyes, man they reminded me of Mase. They looked like they were pulled from his head and placed into hers, but then at the park she referred to him as uncle and the relief I felt at those words. Those words gave me hope. Hope that I couldn’t understand and that’s when it hit me. The love I had for you is still rooted deeply in me.”
He thinks she’s someone else’s. Mase was right.
Shaking my head, I stop him before he continues. “Jon, wait. I think you have things wrong. Mase and I decided it would be easier on Kiley if we wait to explain things to her when she’s older and can understand. She met him as my stepbrother, yes, but she’s his sister by blood.”
His hands tighten around my knees, and I’m staring in to pools of disbelief and pain. “So my first instinct was correct. She’s…she belongs to Dave.”
I nod my head, confirming his fears.
He pushes away from me, his hands clasp tightly behind his head. I don’t speak right away. I can’t even fathom where to begin or what words to use to help him feel better. Kiley is the only thing I won’t apologize for.
“I can’t apologize for her. I won’t. She is the only thing that’s right in my life. She is worth all of it.” I try to sound strong, but my throat is clogged with everything I feel.
He turns to face me. His hand is covering his mouth, almost as if he’s physically holding back the words that want to break free from his lips.
I walk up to him, standing firm in my next words. “I want to be able to apologize for everything that happened with Dave, but I honestly can’t. I can’t regret it all because if all of it hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have the most precious daughter. I wouldn’t have the only light that shines in my dim life. She gives me purpose and love I never thought imaginable. She is worth it all.”
He nods his head, accepting my words. His nostrils flare and his jaw clenches tightly as he thinks back to that day.
“My perception of my life with Dave was distorted. He manipulated me, but I couldn’t see it back then. I am sorry for one thing that happened. I’m sorry I didn’t stand by your side. I know what you did back then was to protect me, even when I didn’t know I needed it. I stood by the wrong man, but I was scared. I had the mind of a child back then, a scared little girl afraid of raising a child alone. Dave was my source of so many things needed for survival. He was the roof over my head and the food in my stomach. He was the only person I had a relationship with, even if it was fabricated to be something dirty and perverted. I wasn’t able to see that back then.”
It’s a struggle for Jon to hear all that I’m saying. I see the battle of love and hate present in every inch of his handsome face. I hate the hurt I’ve caused him. I miss the carefree boy who used to crawl through my window. I’ve missed him every day since the last time I watched him climb out of my life. When I locked my window for the last time, every part of my life changed.
Twenty-three
Riley~the past
“I’m home,” Dave calls up the steps, three months after my fall.
I finish applying my lip gloss. It adds just a slight tint of color to my lips. Nothing too trashy, as Dave would put it. He told me to be dressed when he got home.
I usually spend most of my study time in pajamas, but I’m hoping tonight he’s taking me out for dinner, since it's my eighteenth birthday, and we haven’t gone out in a while. Dave’s been working extra and I’ve spent a lot of evenings home alone. If it weren’t for the two college courses during the day, I’d get lost in the boredom that surrounds me.
I make my way down the stairs slowly. When Dave comes into view, the first thing I notice is he is not alone. The second thing I notice is the way he is looking down at this woman, like she just solved all the world’s problems. My stomach drops. We haven’t had any company in this house for a long time. I suddenly feel uncomfortable being here, like I’m an intruder in their personal moment.
Who is this woman and why is she here? Why does he look so happy? Dave doesn’t bring people to the house.
“Dave.” Just his name, that’s all I can manage.
It takes him a second but he finally looks in my direction. “Hey, Ri, this is Andrea. I wanted to bring her home to meet you.”
Meet me? Like, this is serious; let me introduce you to my stepdaughter. The room spins a little and I take a seat on the bottom step.
Dave hasn’t been working as I assumed. He’s been out with Andrea, and I’ve been stuck here all alone. I’ve had no one to talk to at night because of her. I don’t want Dave to date Andrea. I want her to leave, but I could never say that.
Dave kneels in front of me. “What’s wrong with you?”
I can’t meet his eyes. I feel deceived and panicked. “I’m sorry. I haven’t been feeling well.”
I look up at Andrea’s beautiful face. “Nice to meet you, but I need to go lie back down.”
Forcing myself to stand, I retreat back to my room. She’s so much younger than him, and she’s beautiful. Sickeningly beautiful. She must only be in her early twenties. Dave’s a good-looking man, but what would she want with someone that much older than her? Besides she's stealing him away from his home where he is needed. I’ve spent many nights, over the last several weeks, serving dinner to just myself and hated every minute of it. Burying my face into my pillow, I stew over all the reasons to hate Andrea. Most importantly, I focus on the loneliness she has brought into my life and how that loneliness is something I may need to get used to.
I’m not sure how long I’ve been lying here. All I know is that I’ve come up with a million scenarios of what my life will look like from now on. Why do I keep getting pushed to the side by every person important to me? I miss what I had with JT more than ever. I miss the way he kissed me, the way his hands would feel against my skin as they roamed my body. The thought of watching Dave like that with Andrea makes my chest ache. Dave has told me in detail how JT is with other girls now, breaking my heart and confidence all at once.
“Riley?” Dave calls through my cracked door.
Hopping up from my bed, I head to my dresser to gather clean clothes for after my shower. I don’t want to face him. “Yeah?”
He steps just inside of my door. “I sent Andrea home since you pretty well embarrassed me.”
“I’m sorry. You didn’t have to do that. I’m just going to take a shower and go to bed.” Bending over, I open my bottom drawer to grab out pajamas, saddened by his words.
Dave clears his throat. “Yeah, I did. I don’t want her to think I’m raising an ungrateful brat, I’ll be in my room.”
I gather the rest of my things and enter the hall, thinking Dave would be gone, but he is leaning against the wall waiting for me.
His arms are crossed over his chest. “Wanna tell me what’s really going on? It’s not like you to fake an illness.”
“I’m sorry if I seem u
ngrateful. I really do appreciate you letting me live here and everything.”
“Come on, Riley. Since when do you ever show appreciation? I give you everything you need, and get nothing in return, and now you’ve ruined my evening.” Dave reaches for my hand, pulling me into his room, sitting me at the edge of his bed.
I look up at him, feeling sick to my stomach. I don’t want him upset with me. Things have been going well, at least I thought so. He’s right, other than cooking how do I ever say thank you?
Dave kneels in front of me until we are eye to eye. “Just be honest with me. Why are you pretending to be sick? I’m not up for games tonight.”
“I’ve eaten dinner alone a lot lately. Is that because of Andrea?”
“I guess it has been,” Dave answers.
I twist the fabric of my clothes in my lap. “Should I expect to be alone a lot in the evenings? You asked me to go to the community college so that you wouldn’t be alone, but now I’m stuck here with no one.”
His eyes search mine. “Look, Ri, I don’t really need to answer to you. I give you a roof over your head and food in your stomach. Shit, I pay for your school, even though you aren’t really my kid.”
“I don’t mean to be a bother. I just hate being here alone at night.” I can feel the pressure of my sadness meeting my eyes as tears build on their brim.
“I’ve got to get out. Fuck me if I haven’t given up enough of my personal life because your mom decided to run off.” Dave searches my eyes, looking for some understanding from me.
My mother left over a year ago and he’s stuck here with a now eighteen-year-old girl.
“Ri, look, I’m still a man. I think I put my life and my needs to the side long enough to take care of you." Dave stands back up.
I’m becoming a burden for him, just like I am to everyone else. I became one for my mother and she left, then JT, and now it’s happening again.
Tears trickle down my cheeks, dripping onto my hands. “I’m sorry.”
“What part are you apologizing for exactly?” He asks.
“Being a burden to you. I thought you wanted me to stay, maybe I confused things somehow.” Reaching up, I wipe the wetness from my face.
Dave starts to pace in front of me.
Looking up to him, I try to find answers in his expression, but he just looks uncomfortable and angry. He sees the confusion on my face and there are words on the tip of his tongue. He stutters for a moment over them but finally says, “I just need to get fucking laid.”
I thought I knew what he was going to say; I was too much of a responsibility, but when his words finally click, I feel somewhat relieved. “Oh.”
“Yeah, oh. Now go take your shower, and don’t fucking ruin my evening next time I bring Andrea back here,” Dave seethes.
Standing from the bed, I walk toward his door, leaving him and his discomfort behind. I slam the bathroom door and twist the lock. Once all my clothes are removed, I turn to stand in front of the full-length mirror on the wall. My hair’s naturally blonde; Andrea’s was blonde too, but obviously dyed to look that way. Her hair, styled to perfection while mine just hangs limply down my back. My green eyes, now rimmed in red from my tears, look dull and lifeless. I’ve never worn makeup except for occasional mascara, but Dave always says it looks trashy. Andrea’s features were accentuated perfectly by how she had hers done.
My eyes travel down my body, taking in my rounded shoulders, and slouched posture. I’ve always felt self-conscious of my height. I must take after my father because my mother was the shortest adult I’ve known. JT always said my body was perfect, but after seeing the way Andrea’s breast spilled out of the top of her blouse, I feel inadequate.
Palming my B cup, I wonder if JT lied to me about my appearance as well. Pulling back my shoulders, I try to stand with the confidence Andrea did while at Dave’s side. I’ve never felt confident in that way.
Maybe that’s the difference between being with a boy and a man. Maybe Dave made her feel that way. Maybe I need a man and if Dave wants to date, then I should too. I want to be confident like Andrea.
If there is one thing I learned from my mom, it was how to get a man, and how to get them to stay. She was the one who did the leaving but was never once left. Not like me.
I hear the shower turn on in Dave’s bathroom, which backs up to mine. Suddenly, I know what I need to do. I know how to keep things from changing. I’m tired of change. Things have been changing since the day I was born. I don’t want the uncertainty anymore.
On shaky legs, I open the door to my bathroom. My body covered with gooseflesh from the cool air filling the hallway. I make my way into Dave’s room, noticing that the bathroom door is cracked. Steam surrounds me as I quietly step foot onto the tile floor. I stand frozen, staring at the blue shower curtain, trying to find the courage to move forward.
My heart is pounding in my chest, and I can hear my blood pulsing in my ears. I’m not sure if it’s fear I feel or control, but neither matter. All that matters is what I’m about to do. I have to. I need my life here. I need Dave and I owe him for all he’s done for me.
I head to the back of the shower, slowly pulling back its curtain. When I slip inside the shower, Dave’s hands are braced against the wall under the showerhead. His back muscles look strained as he lets the water beat down over his body.
Closing the gap between us, I place my hands on his hips. Dave tenses under my touch, standing up from his position against the wall.
“What are you doing in here, Riley?” Dave’s voice has an edge that lets me know he’s still angry.
Pressing a kiss to his back, I reply, “Fixing all of our problems.”
I move my hands around his hips, but Dave’s hands land over mine before they can reach their destination. He turns, catching me off guard and I lose my balance.
Dave grabs me by my shoulders. “You think you can fix all my problems with a hand job?”
My eyes roam over his body, taking in his strong form. His size is intimidating, but the longer we stand here, the more I need to follow through with my plan. I feel anticipation growing in my lower belly. I want to feel the power my mom felt every time she controlled a man. I don’t want to be the controlled one anymore.
“I’ll give you whatever you need. You don’t need Andrea. I know I messed that up for you, so I’m offering to fix my mistake. Please let me apologize,” I beg.
“This isn’t going to…” His words are cut short as my hand wraps around him, stroking him timidly.
“I’ll do whatever you need me to.” While still stroking him with one hand, I take my other to guide one of his hands between my legs. A deep groan slips past his lips when he feels how wet I am for him. “Feel how much I want this.”
Moving toward me, he presses me back against the wall, still cupping me between my legs, but not moving his hand against me. “You’re just a child. Do you really think you can give me what I need?"
I battle my nerves, swallowing them down, knowing I owe him everything and have given him nothing. “Then make me a woman. Teach me.”
“You’re shaking,” he points out, intimidating me.
Mustering every ounce of confidence I can, I say what I think he wants to hear. “I’m just excited.”
Reaching down, I force one of his fingers inside of me. Moving it in and out, as I focus my eyes on his so he can see how serious I am about this. My stomach turns as I force his touch on me, but when I see the flash of excitement in his eyes, something in me shifts. It’s the power mom has always talked about. I know I have him at this moment.
Dave pulls his finger out of me. “You have to want it, Riley. You have to beg me for it.”
I nod my head in agreement and my belly flutters, knowing I’m about to get my way. Dave’s eyes roam over my body. I stand like Andrea was in our foyer, trying to portray confidence, but I’m afraid he can see right through to the discomfort I feel from his appraisal. Swallowing thickly, I wait for his instruction.
His height is intimidating and the mass of his arms and tone to his upper body makes me feel like a small child. Maybe this is wrong, but I can’t help but think about how he turned into hard steel at my touch. I did that to a man. My touch affected him.
“Have you changed your mind, Riley? It’s not too late to back out, but know that a man is only so strong when a woman offers herself up like this. Once you beg me to take you like I’ve always wanted, there’s no going back,” he says.
I nod my head, still unable to form words as his caught me off guard, like I’ve always wanted. Placing his strong hands against my thighs, he spreads my legs as far as they will go. “Did that little prick ever touch this pussy when he was climbing through your window at night?”
My body tenses. “How did…”
“I know everything that happens in this house.” He runs his fingers up and down the cleft between my legs, spreading my wetness to rub circles over my clit.
My hips buck at his touch, ending our conversation. Unable to control my hips, I surrender to their movements, letting myself feel. A strange ache builds deep in my belly, feeling both good and bad at the same time.
The noises escaping my lips are foreign to me, and I can’t help but feel embarrassed by them. I clamp my hand over my mouth to keep myself quiet as the ache builds into a pressure I want to run and hide from and consume all at once. What is happening to me? When Dave looks at me, finding my hand over my mouth, he stops his movements.
Leaning down he devours my mouth with his. Tongues melding together like nothing I’ve experienced before, or it’s just been so long that I’ve forgotten what being touched can feel like. It can be all-consuming. This cure to all of my problems may prove to be something more than I could have ever expected. I lost JT to other girls at his college; I will not lose Dave, too, for the same reason.
Fighting My Affections Page 16
