by Diana Currie
Rachel finally composed herself and said, “I can’t believe you, little Hannah. I’m impressed.” She winked at me. “So, now you don’t know why things are weird between you two? Maybe he’s still embarrassed?”
I nodded. “Yeah maybe. But like I said, we had another occurrence before that and he didn’t act nearly as weird. He promised it wouldn’t affect our friendship.”
“This other time you’re referring to, did you talk about it afterwards like the day after your internet sex?” she asked grinning.
I thought back for a moment and answered, “The next morning he told me he was fine and that it wouldn’t ruin our friendship. He was totally normal for months.”
“The next morning? Hannah, what happened during your first encounter?” she asked.
“It was better than the cyber sex, but don’t think you’re getting any more details, missy!” I snapped.
“Hannah, something’s going on between you two,” she said confidently. “I had my suspicions before, but after hearing all of this, I’m sure of it.”
“Right, so I’m in love with him. Like, really in love with him. I’ve been feeling this way for years; this is not cupcake love!”
“You lost me. What’s cupcake love?”
“Don’t you remember Mrs. Richard’s tenth grade health class? She explained the difference between love and infatuation and how teenagers often confuse the two.”
Rachel just shook her head. “Was I there? I must have been daydreaming about Ethan or the beach or something.”
“Exactly the point of Mrs. Richard’s lesson! She said that people overuse the word love for all kinds of things like, ‘I love Hawaii,’ ‘I love pizza,’ or in my case ‘I love cupcakes’. She was trying to make the class understand that there is a difference between loving cupcakes and loving another human being. Teenagers can often think they’re in love but really their feelings are no stronger than their feelings for pizza.”
Rachel snickered. “Okay, so you love cupcakes, but you l-o-v-e Shane Decker?”
“Yes, you get an A,” I replied sarcastically. “So now you know I love Shane. My problem is he doesn’t love me anymore than he loves my cupcakes. So what do I do about it? I basically ruined my relationship with Aiden because I couldn’t get over Shane. He has had plenty of opportunities to progress our friendship into something more and he hasn’t. Now he’s off with Julie doing God knows what!”
Rachel raised her eyebrow in confusion and I filled her in on the exchange I’d overheard right before we left the bowling alley. Thinking about Julie’s proposition again made me sick to my stomach.
“If you’ve felt this way all this time but kept it to yourself, how can you be certain Shane isn’t hiding his own feelings for the same reasons?” she asked.
I shrugged and rubbed my hands over my face. I felt a migraine coming on. “I guess I don’t have any idea what he’s thinking,” I admitted. “Sometimes Rachel, I see this look in his eyes and I’m sure there’s something there, and other times like tonight he treats me the same as he would you or Ally.”
“Hannah, I know this Julie girl is an obstacle but I still think there’s something going on between you and Shane. I’m sure you’ve considered this before, but you need to tell him how you feel. You know he cares about you. You know he values you being in his life. If he’s already slipped twice and blurred those lines between friendship and lover, what makes you think he’d react so badly to your honest feelings that you’d lose him forever?”
I ate another cookie as I pondered Rachel’s logic. My reasons came down to fear and lack of self esteem, which is what I told her.
“Look at what Ethan did. He put himself on the line and it made such an impression on me I reconsidered our relationship. I never thought we’d get back together.”
I smiled. “Ethan cares about you so much, Rachel. You’re a lucky girl.”
She returned the smile and said, “Yeah, I know. But it took him sitting me down and spelling it out for me to finally get it. Maybe Shane needs the same slap in the face approach.”
Just as I was about to ask her what she recommended I do, Ally burst through the front door. She had a small plastic bag in her hand and her phone tight against her ear. She glanced at us momentarily before dashing up the stairs and slamming her door. Rachel and I looked at each other and shrugged.
“What was that about?” she asked me.
“I don’t know, but I’ve never seen Ally so worked up.”
“Maybe we should go up there to check on her?” Rachel suggested.
We climbed the stairs quietly, listening to Ally yell into her phone. She was in the bathroom with the door shut. We stood in the upstairs hall and listened to her side of the conversation.
“Just hold on a second, Jack! I don’t know what I’m doing,” she whined. “I don’t know okay, like a week maybe? Well, I’m sorry I’m not marking it down on a calendar for future reference!”
I looked at Rachel and she silently put up her hands to say she didn’t know what was going on either.
“Don’t you dare blame me for this, Jack! I’m not the one who couldn’t wait any longer.”
We heard Ally urinate and we both took a step back. Our eavesdropping had just crossed a line. Then we heard Ally yell, “I don’t know, it takes a few minutes. Just stop talking!”
I motioned with my hand for Rachel to follow me into my bedroom so Ally wouldn’t hear us. She looked white as a sheet and I knew Rachel had put the pieces together the same time as me.
“Ally is pregnant?” we whispered in unison.
“What else could it be?” I whispered.
“And you thought you had problems,” Rachel replied.
I slapped her arm lightly and said, “Stop that. What are we supposed to do?”
I considered going back downstairs until Ally was off the phone but it felt wrong. I also really wanted to hear her read the test results to Jack. Rachel seemed to have the same idea as we crept back into the hall. I heard Ally ask Jack how long it had been. My guess was about a minute. Rachel and I continued to stare at the closed door.
What would Ally do if the test came out positive? Would she go home to Pittsgrove? Would Jack have to leave Stanford? Shane was going to be furious with her. I briefly worried that Elise might be jealous; or would she be excited to finally have a baby around? What a mess. How long had it been now? I was going insane with all my questions. I realized I could hear Ally crying.
“It’s time? Okay, here goes. One line is a no, two lines is a yes,” Ally said in a shaky voice. “Jack, there’s two lines. I’m pregnant.”
CHAPTER 17: CONFRONTATIONS
I retreated to my bedroom and Rachel tiptoed in after me. Neither of us spoke; we were waiting for Ally to stop crying. I wanted to go in there and hug her so she knew everything was going to be alright. I couldn’t take the stress as the minutes ticked by. Eventually, her sobbing ended and I heard her agreeing to something Jack was saying.
“Okay. I will. I’ll call them first thing tomorrow. I love you too. I know. I will. Bye.”
Rachel and I froze as the bathroom door slowly opened. Ally jumped when she saw us standing in my doorway.
“Oh my gosh girls. You scared me!” she shrieked.
She must have been able to tell by our expressions that her secret was out. “You overheard that?”
We both nodded. “I’m so sorry, Ally. If you don’t want to talk about it we understand,” I said.
“I’ll kick my brother’s ass for you if you want,” Rachel added. Gosh, I didn’t realize how much more significant this news was for Rachel. She and Shane were both related to this baby.
“No, please don’t do anything like that. He feels bad enough already, being so far away. He wanted to book a flight for tomorrow but I told him not to. He has a big project due next week; he can’t afford to spend the whole weekend here. There’s nothing he can do at this point anyway.”
“Do you need one of us to take you somewhe
re? A doctor or a… you know?” Rachel asked.
“A doctor,” Ally answered softly. “Definitely a doctor. I told Jack I’d call for an appointment tomorrow,” she sniffled. Tears had started forming in her eyes again.
“Okay, honey,” Rachel said, putting her arm around Ally’s tiny shoulder. “You let me know when it is and I’ll drive you.”
“Is there anything we can do for you? How do you feel?” I asked.
“Um, I’m okay. Just really tired. Promise me you won’t say anything to Shane or Ethan? I want to see the OBGYN first. Then I’ll tell my brother,” Ally murmured.
“Sure, of course,” I said. “Sweetie, do you know when it happened? I mean, how late are you?”
Her tears spilled over before she could answer. “That’s the problem! My stupid birth control advertized how great it was; how it only gave you four periods a year! Well, now I have no idea when I missed it. I think it happened over Thanksgiving.”
“Thanksgiving!” Rachel exclaimed. I quickly did the math in my head.
“You might be eight or nine weeks then,” I announced.
“That would explain why I’ve been so hungry and sleepy lately. I thought it was just stress.”
“Don’t worry, Al. We’re going to help you. I promise,” Rachel told her.
“Thank you, girls,” she sighed. “I’m gonna go lay down now I think.” Ally hugged us both and then went into her bedroom and shut the door. Rachel and I exchanged stunned glances. A lot had happened in the past few hours.
*~*
The following Wednesday my professor was late to class. To everyone else in the room it was a welcome delay but for me it was pure Hell.
“Your friend Shane is so great,” Julie told me again. “I can’t believe he doesn’t already have a girlfriend. We had such a good time this weekend. He took me to a fancy restaurant in Maryland. I’m from Ohio and he couldn’t believe I’d never had Maryland crab cakes before!” she giggled.
I smiled back at her, feeling just the slightest bit comforted by the description of her date with Shane. I happened to know dinner and a road trip for crab cakes was the first date routine Shane used on just about every girl he’s dated since we got to Delaware. Maybe Julie would be a quick fling like all the others Shane had dated before her. Once she was off his radar I could put forward my plan to confront him.
“And it’s so nice that he doesn’t have to share his dorm,” she continued. “You’re spoiled with that house you rent, Hannah. I can’t tell you how convenient it is to go back to a guy’s room and not have to deal with a roommate!”
Son of a bitch. So Shane’s had Julie in his room? I didn’t like the level of enthusiasm Julie was displaying on this subject. I wanted to punch her in those perfectly white, straight teeth of hers.
“He’s such a good kisser, too. I mean…. whoa!” she said, fanning herself with her hand. “We’re going out again tomorrow night. That reminds me, I need to make an appointment for my bikini waxing after class if this professor ever shows up. You wanna come? They do eyebrows.”
That was it. I stood up and gathered my books. I couldn’t sit there any longer. I lied and told Julie I suddenly remembered there was something I needed to do right away. I left my paper with her and asked her to hand it in when the teacher asked for them. She nodded, looking a little dazed by my abrupt departure, but I didn’t care. I raced out of the building and headed for the library. It was the only place where I felt like I could sit alone and not be bothered by anyone.
I got comfortable in the cozy chairs that lined the hall on the third floor. It was the research floor and hardly anyone came up here. The only person I saw was a guy with combat boots taking a nap in a chair a few rows down from me. I closed my eyes and rested my head in my hand. I decided to count in my head until I felt calm again. I reached one thousand seventy two before that happened.
Once I cooled down I thought about Ally. She’d had her doctor appointment on Monday and Rachel and I both went with her. The doctor confirmed her suspicion about conceiving over Thanksgiving break. He placed her due date for August 18th. We were all amazed when the doctor did a sonogram and we saw the baby on the black and white computer screen. We even heard the heartbeat. Ally cried again, but she swore that time they were happy tears. She even took a picture of the monitor with her phone and sent it to Jack.
Ally was working up the courage to tell Shane about the baby. She figured he’d be the practice run for telling Colin and Elise. She was planning on asking Shane to come over later in the week so she could give him the news in person. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to be there since Shane and I weren’t the best of friends these days but Ally insisted. I wasn’t going to do anything that upset her right now so I agreed to make everyone dinner.
I sat in the library for close to an hour listening to the soothing silence and faint sounds of pages rustling around me. The plan I had devised over winter break to confront Shane looked to be on the backburner now that Julie was dating him. Let’s face it, there was a good chance I wouldn’t have mustered up the courage to tell him about my feelings anyway. But I did need to repair our friendship. I couldn’t stand his standoffish behavior much longer. By the time I got up to leave I still didn’t know what to do about Shane.
By Friday Ally was a complete mess. She was so afraid of Shane’s reaction to her pregnancy she tried to cancel our dinner plans at least three times. Rachel and I were the only ones who knew so far, besides Jack of course. Shane and Ethan were coming over that night around six o’clock. I was already elbow deep in my meatloaf when Ally came into the kitchen begging me to postpone the dinner.
“I just need more time to figure out how to say it,” she began.
“Alison Decker, you’ll never be able to think of an easy way to tell Shane you got knocked up your first semester of college. You just have to spit it out, and you have to do it tonight. You already have Rachel and me on your side. Don’t worry.”
She huffed and dropped into one of the chairs behind me. “What about Julie? I don’t want her judging me. She’s going to think I’m a whore,” she whined.
“Ally, no one could ever think that of you,” I responded. “What does Julie have to do with tonight anyway?”
“Shane asked me if he could bring her because he doesn’t know I’m planning an announcement. I couldn’t tell him no, she’s his girlfriend now.”
I cringed at the word. They had only met a week ago and already he was head over heels. “Oh. Right. Well, I’m glad I made enough food for an extra person. How are you feeling? You need a snack before dinner?” I asked, trying to keep my mind off the new unwelcome dinner guest.
Ally shook her head. “No, thank you. I’m too nauseous to eat right now.”
“Maybe you should go lie down until everyone gets here. Watch TV and try to relax,” I suggested.
Ally agreed and I got her to lay on the couch with a blanket. I turned on Project Runway for her and went back to my food preparations.
Rachel and Ethan came in a little before six and helped me set the table. Sure enough Shane arrived with Julie just as I was taking the food out of the oven. Everyone came to the table and we began dinner like any other night. Ally wanted to wait until after dinner was over to drop her bomb. No one seemed to suspect anything strange despite the way Ally was bouncing her legs nervously under the table. When I got up to start clearing dishes she really started to look distressed.
“Are you okay, Ally?” Shane asked her. I quickly set a few plates into the sink and rejoined my friends at the table. I took Ally’s hand that was gripping the side of her chair and squeezed it tightly.
“I’m a little nervous. I have something to tell you,” she hedged.
Shane sat up straight and looked at me. What did I have to do with this? His expression became confused when I didn’t say anything and he turned his attention back to his sister.
“What is it, Ally?” he asked gently.
Rachel leaned in close to her and whisp
ered, “You can do it. It’s just Shane. We’ll defend you.”
Shane raised his eyebrows waiting for Ally to speak. “Please don’t be angry with me, Shane. What I have to say is that about a week ago Jack and I found out that, um… we’re having a baby.”
Ethan’s eyes bugged out of his head and Julie looked extremely embarrassed. I could see anger in Shane’s face but he was trying very hard to control himself.
“You’re serious?” he asked.
“I don’t need you to pass judgment on me or tell me how I’ve screwed up my life. We weren’t careful enough and we made a mistake. I’m accepting the consequences of my choices the best I can. I don’t need you to punish me. I feel punished every time I throw up my breakfast. Jack and I have talked a lot about what to do and we have a plan. I’m not quitting school and neither is he. So all I’m asking is for you to still love me.”
I had to hand it to Ally. She knew how her brother’s brain worked even better than I did. She knew that no matter how upset he might be his protective nature would win over panic or disappointment. Everyone was speechless as we eyed Shane. After a few moments he got up from his seat and came around the table to Ally. She stood the same time he did and looked like she was about to cry. Shane wrapped his arms around her tiny frame and hugged her tightly.
“Don’t ever think I wouldn’t love you, Ally,” he said softly. They slowly released each other and Ally wiped a tear from her cheek. “I’ll help you though this. Wait, you’re keeping it, right?” he asked, suddenly alarmed.
“Yes, of course,” she sniffled.
“Are you okay? Have you seen a doctor yet? What does Jack think?” he asked rushing through the words.
“I’m okay. I went to the doctor Monday.” Ally reached into her back pocket and pulled out one of her ultrasound pictures. “Here he is,” she whispered handing Shane the photo.
He still looked stunned and angry as he took the photo from her hands and held it out to view. He looked at the little peanut shaped image for over a minute before finally speaking in a lighter tone than before.
