by Diana Currie
Lenny and Mr. DeLuca were having a debate over fishing tackle when Aiden suddenly stood up and pulled me to my feet. He took my hand as he led me down the dark street; the only light to guide us coming from the sporadic street lamps. It was really beautiful there. The tall pine trees came up to the street and surrounded each house on all sides. We crossed another street and came upon a lake. Aiden told me it was Lake Pemberton and was one of his favorite fishing spots as a kid. We stopped just before the pine trees met the muddy beach and the gentle ripples from the water were crashing in a soothing rhythm. Aiden picked a spot out of sight from the bonfire and laid his jacket on the fallen pine needles for us to sit on. I eagerly sat in his lap and we watched the moonlight bounce off the surface of the water.
We sat together for a long time lost in our own thoughts. Aiden was rubbing up and down my arms massaging my muscles. Occasionally he leaned into my neck and planted a kiss or two. I closed my eyes and reveled in the closeness we were sharing. My mind wandered over the events of the day. I thought about Aiden chatting with my father and how natural their conversation seemed to flow. I remembered his siblings grilling me for details or our relationship; how much love for their brother shined in their expressions. Then there was the photo of Aiden's mom with her arms around all three kids that still sat on the bookshelf in their living room. It made my heart break for the family's loss.
I thought about how I felt like I’d lost my own mother. I could only imagine their pain as I had only lost my mother to a new job and from moving away to a new city, while Aiden lost his mother to God. I silently smiled to myself, surprised to find that I assumed Aiden's mother was at peace in Heaven. Perhaps I had more faith than I gave myself credit for. Maybe I just wanted to believe, like Shane had told me a long time ago. I started to think about some of the deeper, more meaningful discussions we'd had over the years. I cherished those conversations as much as he did.
I tensed at the unintentional thoughts of Shane. They hadn't been impure thoughts but I still felt guilty for my behavior the previous day. I was correct to think that as soon as I was immersed in Aiden's presence again I would realize that he was where I belonged. I was happy here; sitting in him arms, feeling his warmth surround me. The nagging guilt in the back of my mind gave way to the peace that came in knowing that my choice was made.
Slowly I began to turn my body around to face Aiden, pushing him down until his back hit the cool sand. I straddled his lap and offered him a deep passionate kiss. He finally broke it off, chuckling at my sudden aggressiveness. I shushed him and moved my attention to his neck, slightly rubbing my hips against his. He groaned at the contact and placed his hands on my waist. I wasn't brave enough to attempt sex out in the open even if we were in the dark and a few blocks away from the party. So, I settled for the next best thing. I needed to feel connected to my boyfriend. Show him how much I wanted him.
I slid my hand down his firm chest and fumbled with the button and fly of his jeans. He asked me what I was doing but I only shushed him again and turned my attention back to his pants. I knelt between his legs and opened his fly. I loved the feeling I got from making Aiden lose control. Taking charge over Aiden's body was igniting my sense of adventure.
Aiden was breathing heavily when he finally pulled me up to lay next to him. "You are an amazing woman, Hannah," he sighed. I smiled and nuzzled my face against his neck. He wrapped his arms around me tightly. We watched the tide roll in, neither of us speaking. The silence and his warm arms were equally comforting.
I felt guilty that I came a little too close to cheating on Aiden when I talked so candidly with Shane the night before. There’s other ways to be unfaithful to someone besides physical intimacy with another person. If you considered how I never fully committed myself emotionally to Aiden you might say my infidelity was a constant variable in our relationship. It was one he said he was willing to accept.
I wasn’t sure how to feel about Shane confessing that he couldn’t stop thinking about me. I knew I should probably be angry. It bothered me that he only started admitting his feelings after I got back together with Aiden. He even said he was still confused. Out there by the lake I couldn't help but feel like my intimacy with my boyfriend meant that I had further damaged my delicate relationship with Shane. It felt like in some small way I’d cheated on him too, and feeling that way scared the shit out of me more than everything else.
CHAPTER 23: WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR
Every time I began to feel comfortable in my surroundings it was time to relocate again. My whole childhood consisted of my being shuffled around between parents. Now that I was grown it became impossibly worse. The week of spring break passed quickly and before I knew it I was packing my suitcase for the trip back to UD, where I would spend the next two months before driving down to Baltimore to spend part of the summer with my mother. It was exhausting just thinking about my nomadic lifestyle.
I decided not to share details of my conversation with Shane on the ride back to campus even though it was all I could think about. Rachel didn’t notice my silence since we had Ethan in the car. I listened to the two of them banter back and forth and stared out the window for the entire trip. Ally beat us back to the house and was already unpacked when we arrived. I found her in her room in tears, looking at a picture of Jack. Ally’s emotions were all over the place and having to say goodbye to Jack proved much more difficult this time around. I hugged her until she got it all out, smoothing her hair away from her face.
“I’m going to be so fat the next time he sees me,” she griped.
“Al, you will be more beautiful than ever,” I promised her. “And remember today was the last goodbye you have to say. Once this semester is over you’ll be together for good.”
She sighed. “You’re right. I can’t wait for this stupid semester to end!”
“Have you two decided where you’ll be living in the fall? I still think we can convince Rachel to switch rooms if you and Jack want to stay here.”
“Thanks, Hannah. I don’t want to cramp your style having an infant in your bachelorette pad,” she giggled. “Besides, Jack keeps hinting about getting engaged so I think we’re going to find our own place,” she said beaming.
“Really? It’s about time,” I teased. I knew Jack would do right by her. Rachel and Shane would kill him otherwise.
Ally shrugged. “It’s my own fault. I told him not to even think about me getting into a wedding dress until I’ve lost the pregnancy weight!”
“Oh, Ally. You’re five months pregnant and you’re still way skinnier than I am.”
“Well, that’s true,” she said, sticking her tongue out at me.
“Very mature, Mama,” I teased.
*~*
I spent Sunday cleaning the house and doing some grocery shopping. I made my roommates a fancy dinner that night. I was doing anything I could think of to keep my mind occupied. Aiden wasn’t coming back until Monday afternoon so I had at least another day before I could see him. I called my friend Carrie and offered to take her Monday shift at the daycare. That would help me keep busy. I wondered how long I’d have to keep up this routine before I’d feel normal again. When exactly had I ever been normal?
My Monday class with Shane was awkward to say the least. He sat next to me as always but I was afraid to look into his dazzling blue eyes. I was scared to death of what I might see in them if I looked. The second the professor dismissed class I shot out of my seat like a bullet before Shane had a chance to say a word to me. I didn’t want to be giving him the silent treatment and that wasn’t my plan. I just needed to see Aiden first, settle back into our routine, and then everything would be fine.
Tuesday night I finally got to see my boyfriend. We ordered a pizza and hung out in his room. Wednesday night I had a shift at the daycare until 9 and then Aiden came over to spend the night. By Thursday afternoon I was starting to relax; so much so that I gathered up the courage to contact Shane.
I wanted him to know that we
were okay. I knew he’d worry about how I’d ignored him in class that week. I sent him an innocent friendly text message Thursday afternoon between classes.
S- Sorry about class this week. Just needed time. You’re coming out with us Sat nite I hope?
I settled into my usual seat in my Thursday afternoon class and waited for the professor to begin his lecture. I noticed that Julie wasn’t there. About ten minutes into the class the door opened and there she was. The closest seat from the door was the row next to me and as she hurried into it. Julie shot me a menacing glare. I briefly wondered if she had been with Shane when he received my text earlier. Julie didn’t talk to me during or after class. She didn’t even look in my direction again. Did she know what Shane and I talked about over spring break? When did life get so complicated?
That night at the house I was finishing up some homework in my room when I heard Ally come home. She was making quite a commotion from the kitchen and I heard her call for me and Rachel to come out of our rooms. I slammed my book shut and hurried down the stairs. My first thought was something was wrong with the baby. I rushed to her side just as Rachel met us from her room.
“What’s wrong, Al?” I asked.
“We need to have a family meeting,” she exclaimed.
Rachel put her hands on her hips and said, “My idiot brother didn’t propose to you over the phone, did he?”
Ally’s expression lightened slightly. “No, don’t be silly! This is about Shane.”
“Okay,” Rachel replied. “What’s wrong?”
Ally motioned for us to sit at the table. Once we were seated she took her place at the head of the small table like she was conducting a board meeting. “I was on campus this morning in the Student Center when I ran into Abby. You know Abby, Hannah. She’s been hooking up with Shane’s old roommate, Dante, for months.”
“I don’t know any Abby… Wait, Dante, as in the guy who only wears green?” I asked confused.
“That’s the one!” Ally chirped. “Anyhoo, Abby told me that Dante ran into Shane this morning and he looked really green. No pun intended.” She chuckled at her own bad joke. Rachel looked at me, trying to suppress a laugh. “Dante asked him if he was sick or something and according to Abby, Shane told Dante that he just broke up with his girlfriend…”
I gasped. Ally continued, “Abby said Dante told her he thought the girl’s name was Hannah, so obviously they got some wires crossed there…” Rachel looked at me as I blushed. “So I called my dear brother immediately to find out what the hell was going on and he confirmed that Julie dumped him last night! Can you believe that?”
We both shook our heads and pretended that it was shocking news. Meanwhile, all the progress I’d made the past week flew right out the freaking window.
Ally started pacing back and forth. “I met Shane for lunch and, Hannah, you should see him. He looks terrible. I could tell he hadn’t shaved this morning and he was wearing black shoes with brown socks. I trained him better than that! When you feel your worst you need to look your best.”
“Ally, give Shane a break. His girlfriend left him, what, eighteen hours ago? How do you expect him to care about his clothes?” Rachel spat.
“I’m just so worried about him. You guys saw him right after Wendy broke up with him. I’m telling you, this is worse! We have to do something ASAP to cheer him up.”
“What do you have in mind?” Rachel asked warily.
“Well, I know we were all planning on going out Saturday but this can’t wait. I think we should plan something for tomorrow night. Maybe another house party!”
“No! No! No more house parties, Ally,” I said, my words rushing out of my mouth. Rachel snickered.
“How about just the five of us rent a movie or something? I’ll make some food, we can watch together, and just hang out like old times?”
Ally pondered that for a minute. “You’re saying something low key would be better?”
“Yes. I know that’s not the Decker way,” I replied making air quotes, “but it would probably be the most helpful to Shane right now. Don’t you think?”
Ally glanced at Rachel and she thankfully nodded in agreement.
“Okay then! Rachel, you make sure Ethan is here. Hannah, will you invite Aiden?”
“Um, Al. Maybe it would be more beneficial to him if it’s just us Pittsgrove people,” I suggested.
“Okey, dokey. Your call,” she replied. “I’m going to call Shane to see how he’s doing and tell him to make sure his ass is here tomorrow night, say eight o’clock?”
“Sounds good,” I replied. Ally scampered off to her room and I let my forehead fall flat on the table. Rachel rubbed my shoulder kindly before retreating back to her bedroom.
*~*
The next morning I was sitting in the back row of my horrible 8am Earth Science class fiddling with my phone. Shane never responded to my message from the day before. At least I knew he had a good excuse. I wasn’t in the mood to learn about igneous rock formations so I decided to send Aiden a text.
Wanna grab lunch? I have to cancel plans for tonight.
I was surprised to get a reply immediately. Aiden usually didn’t wake up before ten if he could help it.
Sure, everything ok?
Yes, Ally’s planning a Pittsgrove High get together for the five of us. My attendance is not optional.
Don’t mess with the prego... I get it.
Thx. Meet at your place at noon?
K, see you then, sexy. Mwah!
I grinned and shoved my phone into my pocket.
Lunch was fun. We ate at a little diner off campus, the same one from the day my father was shot. I hated how that place would always remind me of that horrible day. Aiden made me laugh throughout our meal which helped. He is a great story teller. On the walk back to campus I made the mistake of telling Aiden the purpose to Ally’s Pittsgrove High Reunion. I promised him I was only going to be there for friendly moral support and the idea behind the gathering was a throwback of our high school days. I think he was more upset that Shane was now single than the fact that he wasn’t invited. I made sure to give Aiden a passionate kiss before I left him outside his dorm. I needed to get home and make some food for Operation: Cheer up Shane.
At a quarter to eight I had rice crispy treats, nachos and cheese, pizza bagels, and of course popcorn. I was setting everything out on the coffee table when Ally came down the stairs.
“Hannah! I need you to go pick up Shane.”
“No way. He has a car,” I whined.
“He’s refusing to leave him room. I know you’re the only one who can get him here. Please?” she said pouting.
“Fine,” I huffed. “But only because I made all this food and he is damn well going to eat it.”
I took her car keys and drove over to Chestnut. I knocked on Shane’s door and when he didn’t respond I tried the doorknob. It was open so I let myself in. There were no lights on in the room, just the glow from the TV. Shane was lounging on his bed playing the Xbox. He glanced over to see who had entered.
“Since when do you play video games?” I demanded with hands on my hips.
“Ethan got me the system for Christmas so we could play online together,” he said calmly.
“Well, haven’t you noticed the time? You’re supposed to be at our house right now. Let’s go.”
“I’m not in the mood, Hannah. I told Ally that already.”
I flicked on the light switch and he squinted.
“What is it with you and sitting in the dark lately?” I asked.
He shrugged and turned his attention back to his game. I could see then what Ally meant about his appearance. He obviously still hadn’t shaved and was wearing a plain white t-shirt and sweat pants. I hated that even though his clothes and face were just as disheveled as his hair looked on any normal day I still lusted for him.
“Oh, Shane! I can’t let your sister see you like this. You need to shower and change,” I groaned.
“Doesn�
��t matter. I’m not going anywhere,” he replied.
“Shane Anthony Decker, yes you are. Ally is in a fragile state right now and she is stressing herself out worrying about you. No one is saying that one movie with your friends is going to fix everything but please for one night try to feel a little bit better! Pretend if you have to, for your pregnant sister’s sake!”
He stopped pressing buttons on the controller and looked at me. “She’s really that upset?” he asked.
I sighed thinking maybe I’d gotten through to him. “Yes, she’s acting like you’re about to slip into a catatonic state. Please just come hang out with us for a little while.”
“Fine,” he grumbled. I watched as he took a towel and change of clothes from his dresser and stalked towards his bathroom. “I’ll be out in five minutes.”
While Shane was showering I did whatever I could not to think about Shane showering. I cracked open the window to get a little ventilation into the room. I cleaned up the mess of potato chip bags and soda cans that were lying around. It wasn’t like Shane to be so untidy. I had most of his clean clothes folded by the time he returned. He was wearing jeans but no shirt. Was he trying to tempt me into checking him out? I turned my attention back to the t-shirts I’d folded and opened the second drawer of his dresser to put them away.
He was rubbing the towel over his head and looking for something on top of the dresser when I noticed his face was still scruffy. “Shane. You have to shave. That’s the first thing Ally is going to notice. She won’t believe you’re any better if she sees all that stubble,” I scolded.
