by Diana Currie
“Email,” he smirked. He took my hand and squeezed it gently.
“When do you leave?” I said sniffling.
“The first week of January, but I’ve made up my mind about this. I don’t see the point in waiting until Christmas to break up. Better now than during the holidays.”
“Aiden, there is no easy time for you to do this to me,” I replied, anger creeping back into my voice.
“Hannah. Please don’t be angry at me. My heart is breaking over here,” he pleaded.
I looked into his eyes and saw that it was true. I’d never doubted Aiden’s feelings for me. I took a deep breath and spoke as evenly as possible. “If a semester apart is what you need to trust me again then let’s do it. I’ll wait if that’s what you want.”
He shook his head. “Honey, the point of this is not for you to wait for me. I’m telling you to go be with him. I can’t pretend you and Decker don’t love each other. I’m saying I don’t want to stay here and watch you both deny it. If you and I are really meant to be together then things will work themselves out.”
“You really believe that?” I asked, unstoppable tears rolling down my cheeks.
“Yes,” he whispered.
We were parked outside my house and I let out a long sigh as I looked at the front door. Rachel had left the outside light on for me. I turned to face Aiden and he wrapped his arms around me tightly. We hugged for what felt like a very long time. When he released me I tried to pull him back. He stared into my eyes and wiped a tear from my cheek. Then he kissed me. It was sweet and soft. His mouth lingered on mine, as if he didn’t want the kiss to end either. I parted my lips and deepened the kiss out of urgency and fear of saying goodbye. He allowed my tongue to explore his mouth one last time and then gently pulled away from me.
“I should go,” he said. Through my watery eyes I could see Aiden was crying too. “I love you, Hannah.”
“I love you, Aiden,” I replied without thinking. He was right that I hadn’t said those three words since the end of summer. Speaking them now didn’t feel like a lie and that only made my heart ache more.
“We’ll see,” he whispered and turned over the engine.
We both wiped our eyes as I exited his car. He watched me walk into the house before backing out of the driveway and leaving me alone.
I looked around my empty house and lost control of my emotions again. I wished Rachel was there to comfort me. A girl shouldn’t have her heart broken and then be left alone this way. I wished Ally was there. I’d tell her all about her stupid brother and how he was always causing me pain. I even considered calling Ethan but I knew he was with Rachel. I sank to the kitchen floor and allowed myself to cry freely. When I had nothing left inside I dried my eyes on a dishtowel and found the strength to stand up.
I couldn’t believe this was happening. I’d tried so hard to make my relationship with Aiden work and for a long time thought I was succeeding. I had been so preoccupied trying to not break Aiden’s heart I hadn’t considered the need to protect my own. I was angry at Shane for ruining my relationship with Aiden. Whether he meant to or not it was because of him that I was alone and miserable. I decided to tell him exactly what I thought of his stupid, two years too late, feelings for me. I pulled out my phone and called his cell.
“Hey, Hanny,” he greeted me cheerfully. The familiar sound of his voice pissed me off and I forgot what I wanted to say. “Hannah? Hello?”
“Yeah…” I replied weakly.
“What’s the matter?”
Damn him for knowing something was wrong from just one word. I remembered I was furious with him and had every intention of laying into him like I planned.
“Can you come over? I need someone to talk to and no one else is around.”
“I’m your last choice, huh?” he asked teasing. I started to cry. “God, Hannah. I’m sorry! I’ll be right there. Don’t cry.”
Shane didn’t hang up the phone the entire drive over to my house. I wouldn’t explain to him what was wrong over the phone so he listened to me cry and tried to soothe me as he drove.
“I’m here,” he said before hanging up the phone.
I watched him through the window as he dashed up the front steps and tried the doorknob. I didn’t realize I’d locked it and had to go over to open it up. I’d stopped crying at that point but I knew I must look terrible with blotchy skin and bloodshot eyes. As soon as I opened the door Shane threw his arms around me and hugged me close to him. I was so relieved to have someone comforting me I didn’t even care it was the man I was so mad at I could scream. Shane guided me into the living room and sat me down on the sofa.
“You’re scaring me. What happened, is someone hurt?” he demanded.
“No one is hurt. It’s just me. I really want to yell at you,” I mumbled irrationally.
He smirked at me and I gave him a disapproving glare. “What have I done to upset you this time?”
I ignored his question. “I had a shitty day and don’t want to be alone. Can you sit here and watch TV with me while my anger builds up again?”
“As you wish,” he said, sinking into the seat next to me.
He was careful not to touch me, leaving about five inches between our bodies. I was relieved he was playing along with my absurdity and not asking me to explain what was wrong. I didn’t feel like talking about it yet. I flipped through the channels with the remote looking for something I knew Shane wouldn’t want to watch. I went to the On Demand menu and found some old episodes of True Blood. Perfect. The only person with a more dysfunctional love life than me was my good friend, Sookie.
“Ugh, I hate this show,” Shane complained.
“I know,” I stated wryly.
“The books are so much better.”
“I know.”
“Do you want me to read one to you? We haven’t done that in a while,” he asked softly.
“That is why I’m mad at you!” I thundered.
Shane’s eyes widened and he looked honestly frightened. “Because I read to you?” he asked cautiously.
“Yes! Because you mess with my head!” I shouted and just like that the floodgates opened up again. I slid myself closer to him and leaned my face into the crook of his neck. His arms circled me instantly and I quietly sobbed against his warm skin. I felt him smoothing the hair at the back of my head trying to soothe me.
“Hanny, please talk to me,” he whispered once my crying had subsided. I just wanted to be held a little longer. It was starting to hit me just how badly I’d screwed up my relationship with Aiden. I didn’t deserve him and he was right to leave me. I gently pulled out of the embrace with Shane and I reached for a tissue from the coffee table. I took a few calming breaths and decided it might be good to get some of these thoughts out of my head.
“Aiden is going away again. This time it’s to Illinois for his field training program for the entire spring semester. In lieu of recent events he thinks it would be better for us to take a break from each other while he’s away. He doesn’t trust me alone here with you.”
“Hannah, that’s ridiculous. I gave him my word I wouldn’t interfere,” he protested.
“I told him that but he thinks- ugh, he thinks I’m going to leave him at some point in time whether he stays or goes. So he’s going, and breaking up with me before I can do it to him. I’ve been too honest with him about how I feel about you. Now that he knows how you feel… he thinks it’s just a matter of time.”
“How do you feel about me?” he asked.
“Shane. I am not getting into that with you. I can’t even think about that right now! My boyfriend, who says he loves me, just dumped me. Of course he has every reason to dump me. I told him to his face that I’d never be able to give him my whole heart; that part of it would always belong to you. Why would anyone want to be with someone who’s in love with two people at the same time?”
“And you’re upset with me for telling you the truth about how I feel while you were dating Aiden?”
he guessed.
“Yes. I am so confused right now I can’t even breathe. Can we please stop talking about feelings and just watch TV?” I begged him.
He nodded and grinned at me, resting his arm against the back of the sofa. I leaned against him and turned the volume up with the remote. Shane sat next to me for hours and watched HBO without complaint. Around midnight I was starting to doze off and I felt him nudge me awake.
“You’re falling asleep. Do you want me to stay?” he asked.
“No, I’ll be okay. Thank you for being such a good friend. I don’t know what I would have done alone here all night.”
“Are you sure you don’t want me to sleep on the couch? I don’t mind at all.”
“Shane, thank you, but it’s not necessary. What I really need is some space to clear my head and figure out what I want. Do you think that’s okay? If we don’t talk for while, until I figure things out?”
He looked shocked and upset by my words. I didn’t want to hurt him. I couldn’t handle any more hurt feelings. “Just for a little while. A few days,” I promised.
“Sure. Take as much time as you need, Hannah.” He gently tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear and stood up to leave.
“Thank you again for coming to my rescue tonight,” I said smiling.
“Anytime. I promised I’d always be here for you. No matter what,” he said. And then he left.
I dragged my exhausted self up to my room and got ready for bed. I checked my email quickly just in case Aiden sent me something. He hadn’t of course. I turned off my computer and cell phone. I swore no more contact with men until my head stopped spinning.
CHAPTER 27: HANNAH TIME
I promised Shane I would only shut him out for a few days while I gathered my thoughts. I hadn’t promised him anything else and he knew better than to ask where we stood. I honestly didn’t know. I enjoyed the quiet that time allotted me. I caught up on my favorite TV shows and spent some quality time with Rachel. She was kind enough not to gush too much about Ethan although I knew she was dying to tell me something. I spent a lot of time in the library catching up on my required reading and preparing for finals.
After a few days my heart stopped aching the way it had the night Aiden left me. I was still in a lot of emotional pain and decided to extend my man hiatus another few days. I knew Shane was repeatedly asking Rachel how I was doing but as long as she didn’t pass any messages along to me I didn’t care that they talked. On the weekend I opted to spend time alone at the house rather than go out with Emmet, Rachel, and Shane. I called Andrea a few times and we talked about everything except boys. I was still hoping to get up to New York to visit her one of these days. Since I had so much free time on my hands I picked up a few extra shifts at the daycare to pad my savings account a little more.
Never allowing myself to think about men was actually very freeing. I started thinking about what it was that I wanted. When I was with Aiden I tried to picture myself following him to whatever state he would end up working. Now I was thinking about myself and where I wanted to live. I knew the best place for me was a large city since I wanted to be in publishing. Staying close to my dad was important to me, so staying in Philadelphia was the most realistic destination. My mom kept hinting for me to come back to Baltimore after graduation but I just didn’t see it. All my friends were in the Philadelphia/New Jersey area and I felt my life was there now. Maybe somewhere in Pennsylvania or Northern New Jersey would be the right terrain for me. I was raised a city girl after all.
My few days of solitary turned into a week, and then ten days. I was feeling better and more independent with each passing day so I decided not to give it up just yet. With Christmas approaching I agreed to go shopping with Rachel and bought all my gifts in one trip. We found some really cute things for Ally’s baby. I couldn’t wait to see Adam again. Rachel and I listened to Christmas music as we wrapped all the gifts we bought. I couldn’t help but be happy; the Christmas Spirit got me every year.
I knew Hannah Time was winding down as finals week arrived. I promised Elise that Lenny and I would have Christmas dinner at their house and that only gave me six more days before I would have to see Shane again. After my last exam was behind me I starting thinking about what I was going to say to him. I wasn’t convinced that I was ready for what my heart wanted.
I turned my computer on and checked my hotmail account for the first time in almost three weeks. I clicked each little box next to the department store coupons, alerts from Facebook, and other spam messages that I wasn’t wasting my time opening and hit delete. I narrowed my mail down to seven actual messages worth reading. One was from Aiden. It had been sent just a week after we broke up. I nervously clicked the message and opened it.
Hannah,
I don’t really know what to say to you but I needed to open this line of communication. I’m kind of a mess right now, but I think we did the right thing.
Did you hear the Phillies didn’t resign Ortiz? What are they thinking?
Keith says hi.
Aiden
I laughed at his message and typed a quick response.
Aiden,
Sorry it took me two weeks to reply. I only got your email today. I’m a little better and looking forward to Christmas at home.
The Phillies better have a good third baseman coming up from the minors. Gosh, I miss baseball season.
Tell Keith I said “wassup”. Merry Christmas.
Hannah
I read my other messages that were from Andrea and my mother and shut the computer down. Receiving that message from Aiden wasn’t as painful as I expected. It even felt good to hear from him. I lay on my bed for a little while thinking and took comfort from the sounds of Rachel bustling around downstairs. I could tell she was starting a load of wash as the water flowed through the pipes in the wall. The wood floor squeaked as she walked through the hall to the kitchen. I sighed out loud and decided to go down to start dinner.
“Hey, Hanny. How’s it going?” she asked when I stuck my head into her bedroom. She was pulling all the sheets from her bed to wash.
“I’m good. Feeling better,” I answered.
“Glad to hear it.”
“Rachel, is it cool if you take Ethan home tomorrow and let me ride with Shane?”
Her head snapped up as if I’d said something shocking. “Sure, no problem. You think you’re ready for that?”
“All I want from him is a ride home. I know I’ll have to see him on Christmas and I figured it would be better to get our awkward reunion over with now instead of at dinner in front of his parents, your parents, Lenny, Ally…” I explained trailing off at the end.
“I understand. Do you need to talk?” she asked sitting on the edge of her bed.
“No, thanks. I really am doing better. So much so that I think I want to hear about whatever it is that’s had you all giddy for weeks,” I said grinning.
Rachel’s eyes sparkled and she clapped her hands. “Really? I can talk about men again? Damn, you are feeling better!”
I chuckled. “Come tell me in the kitchen. I want to start dinner.”
She followed close behind and sat at the kitchen table. I went to the refrigerator and pulled out what I needed. I gave her a look that said start talking.
“Okay! Well, I don’t know what’s gotten into Ethan’s parents but they’ve been really great to him lately. We had a nice time at Thanksgiving and his mom told me she’s happy that we’ve stayed together. She thinks I’m good for him. And you know how Ethan’s parents always take vacation at Christmas time? Well… this year they’re going to Paris and they invited Ethan and me to go along!”
“Wow, that’s amazing,” I said. “When are you leaving?”
“The day after Christmas. We’ll be at the Decker’s for dinner, and we leave the next day!”
“And you have no idea why his parents started being nice to you?” I asked.
“They were never rude to me, just very uninterested in E
than’s life. I think they’ve finally realized what a great son they have. We’re flying first class and his mom already told me that Ethan and I get our own hotel room. Isn’t that cool of them? I can’t wait to see the Eiffel Tower!”
Rachel and I talked about her trip all through dinner. I was so happy for her and Ethan. I was starting to feel like myself again. Even though I didn’t know what I was planning to say to Shane the following day I was looking forward to seeing him.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and sent a text to Shane regarding the change in travel plans.
U mind letting Rachel drive Ethan tomorrow? I wanna ride with my best friend.
Rachel helped with the dishes and we did a little cleaning around the house in preparation for our departure the next day. I couldn’t stand to leave knowing the bathrooms and kitchen needed a thorough scrub down. I also planned to dust and vacuum. My phone buzzed a little while later.
Thought you’d never ask, buddy. ;-)
I smiled and showed it to Rachel. She laughed and went to get her clean laundry from the dryer.
The next day I woke up in good spirits. I showered, dressed, and made a big breakfast for the four of us. Rachel and I had our bags packed and were just lining them up in the hall when I saw Shane’s Firebird pull up in the driveway.
“They’re here,” I called to Rachel.
I felt myself start to get a little nervous. Three weeks was the longest I’d ever gone without seeing or talking to Shane. I wasn’t sure how I’d react being face to face with him again. Would all my feelings come flooding back? Would I see him differently? I looked away from the window and retreated to the kitchen. “You answer the door, Rachel.”
I heard the boys knock twice and then Ethan opened the front door letting himself in. “Rach, we’re here!” he called out loudly. She came down the hall and hugged him. “Something smells good. Did our little Hannah cook breakfast?”
I didn’t answer him because just then Shane came around the corner and paused in the archway between the kitchen and hall. My own personal Greek sculpture was back in my life, and more breathtaking than ever. He shot me a crooked smile and looked just as nervous as I felt. I took the first steps towards him and he met me in the middle for a long overdue embrace. He smelled as amazing as I remembered and I held him tightly, breathing in his scent. I vaguely noticed Ethan and Rachel enter the kitchen but wasn’t willing to let go of Shane yet. I couldn’t believe how much I’d missed him. He held me tightly too, craning his head down to the crook of my neck.
