At least, that was what she tried to tell herself.
The meal was fantastic, and Christian found herself very relaxed as they sat on the porch listening to the mockingbirds rejoice. She imagined their song was a celebration of the wonderful day she and Alex had had. They had talked nonstop as they cooked and ate, and Christian felt comforted in the presence of this stranger. She drifted off as this realization settled in her thoughts. She hadn’t spent time with anyone in months, aside from the brief lunches with Elaine. She had forgotten what it was like to enjoy not being alone. For the longest time, she had wanted to be alone. She had needed that time to find herself to figure out how to move out of the past. She had gotten so complacent, she hadn’t realized when being alone had become lonely. The realization now was a bit of a surprise, and she didn’t know what she wanted to do about it.
Noticing the shift in the silence, Alex turned to Christian. “What? What were you thinking just now?”
Christian studied Alex for a moment, taking in the sincerity of her voice and the gentle question in her eyes. Feeling no threat, Christian answered, “I was thinking of how safe, how comfortable it feels being here…with you.” She dropped her gaze, suddenly feeling shy and embarrassed, then added, “I haven’t felt comfortable around anyone in a very long time. It feels nice.”
Alex hesitated and then made a choice. Never taking her eyes from Christian, she said, “I know what you mean.” Christian’s expression was doubtful, so Alex added, “I’ve lived out here for the past two years. You’re the first person to be here in all that time.”
“Really?” Christian asked. “Don’t you get lonely?”
Alex dropped her voice as she turned to face the water. “Yes and no,” she replied. “Alone isn’t always lonely.”
“What makes you want to be alone, then?”
A long silence stretched between them as Alex thought about her answer. Finally, she let out a deep sigh and closed her eyes. Her shoulders slumped under the weight of her grief. She felt compelled to tell Christian about her past. It was the first time she had wanted to share her story with anyone.
“My partner died. I found it difficult to be around people…after. It seemed easier to deal with everything if I just stayed to myself. I was tired of the questions, the sympathy, the pity from everyone.” Alex struggled to hold back the pain that threatened to choke her.
“How long ago,” Christian asked, her voice strained.
“Three years, two months, and six days ago,” Alex answered. Her voice was flat as she recalled each moment of that grief.
Christian’s hands clenched the arms of her chair and tears welled in her eyes. “She’s the woman in the painting, isn’t she?”
Nodding once, Alex said faintly, “Yes.”
“She’s beautiful,” Christian continued in a whisper. “I lost Cara eighteen months and four days ago.”
Alex looked at Christian and saw her own pain mirrored in Christian’s expression. She closed her eyes and wept.
“It was a car accident. I survived. She didn’t,” Christian said.
Nodding, Alex reached across and took Christian’s hand. It had been so long since she had talked about Sophia, but the pain still wrapped around her heart like barbed wire. She needed to touch Christian to know she was real. Feeling the tender touch, she knew Christian shared her pain, and she wanted to help her.
“I’ve never talked about what happened,” Christian said, her voice deepening. “I don’t have any family, and Cara’s family didn’t approve of our relationship.”
Alex squeezed Christian’s hand. She could hear how difficult it was for Christian to talk about what had happened. Her voice was hoarse and dry, and Alex felt her own throat thicken with unspoken emotion.
“I feel guilty. We were supposed to grow old together. I promised I would never leave her.” Christian swallowed, the sound punctuating her silence before she continued. “It isn’t fair that I lived and Cara didn’t.” Tears streamed down her face now, the guilt and hurt of months spilling out.
“No, it isn’t fair,” Alex said softly. “It isn’t fair that they died. But you said it was a car accident. It doesn’t sound like there was anything you could have done. You didn’t leave her. It wasn’t a choice you made.” Alex felt bile rise in her throat and she clenched her teeth.
“What happened to you, Alex?”
Alex sighed. She had come this far, so she decided to answer. “Sophia had been sick. A brain aneurism. They were doing what they could, but it was inoperable. She insisted I go to work that day. I left her alone in the apartment. I didn’t think I would be gone long, but when I returned, it was too late. She was gone. I left her and she died alone.”
“Oh, Alex. I’m so sorry.”
“It was a long time ago. Like I said, it isn’t fair that they died. I miss Sophia every day, but it isn’t like it was in the beginning. I won’t say it gets better, but it gets easier. Eventually you stop thinking about the end so much and learn to focus on the good memories. You have to learn to remember the love or the loss will drive you mad.”
*
Alex watched Christian sleep. She had cried herself out on Alex’s shoulder after describing the accident that had killed her lover. Christian jerked in her sleep from time to time, as if in some kind of unseen struggle. Alex stroked her hair and whispered that she was safe, encouraging her to rest.
Alex looked to the painting over the fireplace as her own tears fell. She understood Christian’s pain. The face looking back at her smiled as if she knew something Alex didn’t. She imagined she could hear Sophia’s voice, as she had so many times before. It’s okay, baby. Now, looking down at Christian, she realized that for the first time in three years, she didn’t feel alone. “Thank you,” she whispered.
Chapter Four
Elaine sat in the darkness outside the lodge, watching the lights turn on and off in the rooms above. She sighed heavily, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to sleep, and if she did, the nightmares would come. Shuddering at the thought, she drew a knee up and wrapped her hands around her leg.
She watched as a silver Mini Cooper pulled up to the front entrance and a young woman got out. She looked to be in her early twenties and had a carefree air that reminded Elaine what it was like to have the eagerness of young love. The front door of the lodge opened, and Hannah stepped outside, throwing her arms around the young woman’s neck and kissing her soundly. Elaine watched as the two women took each other in, and Hannah slid her hands around the woman’s waist and hooked her thumbs in the waistband of her jeans.
Elaine smiled at the gesture and was happy to see Hannah with someone. She had met Hannah during her first stay at Willow Springs three years ago. Hannah had been little more than a child then, but now…she had become a strong and beautiful young woman.
Elaine thought back to her own love, and she longed for the gentle touch of her lover’s fingers on her skin. She ached to feel that she was no longer alone. But the fear that gripped her said no. A blinding red light flashed through her thoughts, and she shuddered as she gripped her leg tightly and stifled the scream that threatened to escape her.
She sat alone in the darkness holding her breath, her hands trembling as she watched Hannah and her lover walk to their car and drive away.
*
It was just past sunrise when Christian woke with her head in Alex’s lap. Alex was lying with her head against the corner of the sofa and her legs propped on the coffee table that stood between the couch and the fireplace. Her breathing was deep and restful, and her hand twitched slightly as it lay protectively across Christian’s chest.
Christian starred up at Alex, amazed at her beauty and shocked by the fact that she had awoken for the second time on Alex’s sofa without knowing how she had gotten there.
As if feeling Christian watching her, Alex opened her eyes and looked down at Christian as she tightened her embrace.
“Sorry,” Christian said guiltily as she sat up. “I guess I
fell asleep.”
“You had a tough day. You needed the rest,” Alex said gently.
“Actually,” Christian said, stretching, “I think that’s the most sleep I’ve had in months. It feels incredible.” Then she paused, seeing the tired look in Alex’s eyes. “You, however, must feel terrible. You couldn’t have been comfortable sitting like that all night.”
Smiling softly as she worked the stiffness from her legs, Alex said, “It was nice to feel needed, and I guess it was nice not to be alone. I’m glad you were here.”
After breakfast, Christian decided to paddle back to Willow Springs. Alex offered to drive her in her Jeep, but Christian was feeling good and wanted the peace of the lake to help her process everything that had happened. Alex still looked worried, but Christian assured her she was okay.
Christian had the urge to put her arms around Alex as she thanked her again, but instead, she took a step back, uncomfortable with the intensity of the feeling. Their time together had been intense, and the intimacy that had formed between them was unsettling now that she was rested and thinking more clearly. She needed to put distance between them so she could clear her mind, and getting back in her kayak was the best way to do that. Finally, she settled for taking Alex’s hand as they said good-bye. She was acutely aware of the warmth of Alex’s hand, and her heart beat faster when she caught Alex’s intense gaze on her. She pulled away quickly. She didn’t want these feelings. It was too much.
The water was smooth as glass as the boat skirted across the surface with very little effort. The air was crisp and the coolness soothing as Christian filled her lungs with deep cleansing breaths. She thought about Alex and the gentle way she had taken her into her home and listened to her pain. Being with her had been easy. The memory of waking up in Alex’s arms sent a tingle down her body, making her smile. An equally disquieted feeling immediately followed, and she sighed. She had made Alex into a dream figure over the past weeks, watching her from afar. Allowing Alex to soothe her, confiding in her, was beyond her imaginings. But this wasn’t real. She didn’t really know anything about Alex. She shook her head to dislodge any further images of Alex from her mind. She had to stop kidding herself and focus on what was real.
Looking ahead, she could see the dock at Willow Springs and a figure standing, looking out over the water, waving her in. It was Hannah. Smiling broadly, Hannah steadied the boat and took Christian’s hand to help her onto shore. Christian shook her head in disbelief. “How did you know to be here?”
Hannah chuckled. “Alex called and said you were paddling in. She seemed a little worried and asked me to see that you made it in okay.”
The peaceful feeling filled Christian again. “Of course she did,” she said with a smile. Everything she had seen so far told her it was Alex’s nature to care for others, but it wasn’t like she had to have her hand held.
*
Alex felt a weight settle over her as she stood in her studio. It had been two hours since she had watched Christian paddle across the lake, finally disappearing from sight. She hadn’t been able to concentrate on her work and now felt frustrated. She had always been able to lose herself in her work, but now she couldn’t quiet her worry. What was she doing getting so worked up over this? Christian had seemed perfectly fine when she left. There was no reason to imagine she would come to any harm. She stood slumped over her workbench and shoved her fists into her pants pockets. The vision of Christian falling played over in her mind, but it wasn’t the image of Christian’s vulnerability that stirred her now, it was the nagging sense of loss she had felt since Christian had left. The silence in her cabin seemed stale, and she missed the sound of Christian’s voice and the way the air seemed to vibrate from her presence in the room. She jumped when the phone rang, grabbing for it before it could finish the first ring.
“Yes. This is Alex,” she said hastily.
“Hello, Alex,” the sweet voice said over the line.
Alex’s heart calmed the instant she recognized Christian’s voice and she felt some of the tension fall from her shoulders. Trying to hide her anxiety, she asked, “How was your trip back? Are you feeling okay?”
“Yes,” Christian said, “I’m fine, thanks to you.”
Alex imagined the voice as soothing as a touch on her skin. She listened to the sound of Christian’s breathing through the phone, and it was as if she could feel the hot breath brushing the skin of her neck as she remembered carrying Christian’s limp body from the dock.
“I wanted to call you myself to reassure you there are no worries. Young Hannah was waiting at the dock as I arrived. She insisted we call before going back to the lodge,” Christian explained.
“Thank you,” Alex said, allowing a sigh to escape as she gripped the phone, wanting to reach through the distance and touch Christian for proof that she was okay. “I’m glad you’re safe. I hope you’ll come back out to the cabin sometime. I really enjoyed your company,” Alex said, holding her breath.
“I’d like that,” Christian answered.
Alex held onto the phone even after she heard the line disconnect. She leaned her palm on the surface of her workbench to steady herself from the sudden feeling of loss that overcame her when Christian’s voice was gone.
Chapter Five
Elaine sat in the plush leather chair, staring at Dr. Cook. “Helen, do we have to keep going through this? I refuse to take medication. I have to find another way to deal with this.” Elaine knew she was being stubborn, but she didn’t believe medication was the answer to her problem. She needed to feel in control of what was happening to her. She felt like such a hypocrite when she thought of all the times she had asked her own clients to consider medication to calm feelings of anxiety, depression, and problems with sleep. But this was different. She hadn’t verbalized as much, but she feared that medication would make her less alert to what was happening to her and around her. She was afraid if she was less than hypervigilant, she would miss something that could cost her her life. She had been back in counseling for months, trying to break down the mental barriers that blocked her from remembering what had happened to her.
She didn’t drop her gaze as Dr. Cook studied her. She sat with her back straight and her shoulders squared as if daring Dr. Cook to challenge her.
“Elaine, I would like to try a new approach to the problem. I’d like you to consider hypnotherapy as part of our addressing your trauma. As you know, hypnotherapy will not reduce your control over what you experience but will allow you a state of relaxation that may make it possible for you to work through aspects of the shooting that your mind is afraid to remember.”
“Well, I didn’t see that one coming,” Elaine said, this time not trying to hide her discomfort.
“Elaine, I can see this makes you uncomfortable,” Dr. Cook interjected. “But, please, just give it some thought. We can practice with some milder forms of exploration before we address the shooting, so you can become more comfortable with the process.”
After a brief silence, Elaine agreed to think about it.
“How have you been sleeping?” Dr. Cook inquired. “Have you had any more dreams?”
Elaine sighed heavily. “Just the same one as always. I’m in my office, preparing for my next client, when there’s a knock at the door. I look to the clock, realizing it’s too early for my next appointment. I open the door, and there’s a blinding flash of red light. I never saw who it was before, but now a little girl stands in the door. Her skin is pale and her hair is dirty. Her clothes are ripped and she has blood on her hands. I don’t see what causes the flash, but I feel the searing-hot pain in my chest. I no longer wake up screaming or looking for the blood, but the fear is paralyzing.”
“Let’s talk about the little girl. Do you recognize her?”
Elaine paused. She felt her body grow cold at the memory, and a lump began to form in her throat, making it hard for her to swallow. “Yes. It’s Missy Carlton. The missing girl I was helping the authorities try to locat
e.”
A slight frown creased Dr. Cook’s brow. “What did you hear when you opened the door? Did she say anything to you?”
“I don’t remember any sounds. She just stares at me. Her eyes are dead.”
“What do you feel when you see her?”
“My insides go cold. I want to tell her I’m sorry. I want her to know I tried to find her.” Elaine’s throat grew tight as she struggled to hold back her revulsion as she saw the girl in her memory.
“You just went tense all over, Elaine. Tell me what’s happening right now.”
Elaine sat forward and gripped the edge of her seat as panic began to wash over her. “She’s disgusted with me. She’s angry that I didn’t save her.” Tears filled Elaine’s eyes as she thought of the child suffering under the torture of Eric Flask.
Using the only tool of defense left to her, Elaine rationalized her position. “I tried everything. It wasn’t my fault she died. He was a sick, murdering bastard, and he reveled in toying with us, knowing he wouldn’t reveal her location in time to save her.”
“You sound angry, Elaine.”
“Damn right, I’m angry,” Elaine shot back at Dr. Cook. “He knew exactly what he was doing. I should have been quicker at figuring him out. I should have…” Elaine let her head drop in her hands and sobbed.
Healing Hearts Page 4
