“Good, because we’re almost there.”
The restaurant Alex parked behind was a small, intimate place, the walls simple exposed brick hung with paintings of Spanish women dancing and bullfighters narrowly escaping a charge. The room was long and narrow with only a few small tables set to accommodate couples and romantically lit, a soft glow illuminating the room and small candle lanterns flickering on each table.
A woman led them to a table and took their drink orders. Alex ordered a carafe of white sangria and water for them both. “You have to try this sangria. It’s the best I’ve ever had. If you don’t like it, they also have wine and beer.”
Christian smiled. She had been pleasantly surprised by Alex’s take-charge behavior and was intrigued to see where the night would lead. When they had first met, Alex had seemed reserved and guarded, but now she was open, adventurous, playful, and when she looked at Christian, she oozed sexuality.
Dinner was served as tapas. Christian sampled the small dishes, each exquisite in its individual flavors. First she tried the churrasco, a seared skirt steak that melted in her mouth the instant it made contact with her tongue. Christian’s eyes closed in bliss as she relished the charred flavor of the tender meat.
Alex smiled. “How is it?”
“Oh, it’s fantastic!”
Alex looked pleased and pushed the plates around, pointing to the aïoli potatoes. “Now try these. If you like a little heat, put some of this chili paste on them.” Alex prepared a bite with her fork and offered it to Christian.
Christian leaned in, allowing Alex to glide the delicate morsel into her mouth. Instant pleasure played across her taste buds. “Wow, that’s wonderful,” Christian said her eyes wide in pleasure. Taking a drink of the sangria, she was pleasantly soothed by the cool citrus mix of wine and fruit. Dangerous. It was like drinking fruit punch on a hot summer day, and she knew she had to be mindful of the alcohol.
“My, Alex!” a tall woman called as she approached the table. She had skin the color of caramel and a long braid of black hair draped across her shoulder and down one breast. She was dressed all in black, both slacks and snug-fitting open-neck pullover hugging the curves of her body. She came to the table, ran her hands across Alex’s shoulders, and played with the hair at the base of her neck. “Alex, how good to see you. Where have you been? I’ve missed you.” The woman looked across the table at Christian, her eyes ablaze. “And who is this beauty you bring to us tonight?”
Christian felt her body tense as the woman’s hands rested on Alex’s shoulders. She didn’t like the way she was touching Alex. Who was this woman and what gave her the right? Was this someone Alex had dated? Christian had the sudden urge to smack the woman’s hands away.
Alex took the woman’s hand and kissed it gently. “Maria, this is my friend Christian Sutter. Christian, this is Maria Alvarez. Maria owns the restaurant.”
Maria left Alex and came to Christian, both hands outstretched, and took Christian’s face in her hands and kissed her cheek. “Welcome. I’m so pleased to meet you. I hope Alex has introduced you to some of our special flavors. Has everything been to your liking?”
“Oh yes. Everything has been wonderful, thank you.” Christian felt herself relax as Maria refrained from touching Alex again. Where had this jealousy come from? She had no claim on Alex. But the thought made her palms sweat, and she really hoped Maria would go away.
A waiter called to Maria from behind the bar, and she excused herself. “I’m sorry—duty calls. It’s so good to see you again, Alex. You and your friend must come again soon.”
Alex smiled again. “I’m sure we will, Maria, thank you.”
Christian watched Maria move around the bar and begin speaking with the staff. She admired her confidence and grace. “She’s very beautiful,” Christian said. “Have you known her long?”
“I come here sometimes. Maria has always been very kind.”
Christian looked at Alex now, curiosity getting the better of her. “Were you two ever lovers?”
Alex laughed. “No. Maria is very beautiful and, as you saw, open with her affection, but Maria is also very married. Her partner, Sebastian, is a police officer here in town. They opened the restaurant a few years ago, and I met them here shortly after the opening. I come here about once a month, so we’ve become friends, I guess.”
Something like relief settled over Christian. She had no right to be possessive of Alex. She hadn’t wanted to feel anything for her. And now the mere thought of someone touching Alex made her stomach tighten into knots.
“Has there ever been another woman since Sophia?” Her barriers were crumbling, and she needed to know more about this beautiful woman who made her feel so alive again.
Alex took in a deep breath and closed her eyes briefly.
“I’m sorry, Alex. I shouldn’t have asked.”
“No, it’s okay. I don’t mind, really.” Alex reached across the table taking Christian’s hand. “There have been times when the loneliness has been too much and I needed to feel the touch of another woman. There have been brief interludes, but there has been no one I’ve wanted to know more about or share more with than just sex.”
Christian was thoughtful for a while as she thought of Alex meeting strangers, trying to fill the ache of her loss. “And what is this, Alex? What do you want from me?”
“I’ve spent a lot of time asking myself that very same question. You’re not like any other woman I’ve met. I want to know you. I want to breathe the air you breathe.” Alex sighed and she leaned in, closing the distance between them. “The time I spent with those women, I felt like I was trying to prove to myself that I was still alive. I felt that if I didn’t reach out, I’d slowly disappear. But afterward I’d feel empty, and it would make me feel even more alone.”
Christian gripped Alex’s hand. She knew the loneliness that Alex spoke of.
“It’s different with you,” Alex went on. “Every time you look at me I feel alive. Every moment with you is a treasure. And when you’re not with me, I’m thankful for the time I’ve had with you and I long for more.”
Christian felt her mouth go dry. She knew this was more than she had to offer. “What if I can’t give you more, Alex?”
“Then I’ll be happy to breathe the air you breathe. I’ll be happy having everything you choose to share with me. I’ll know that I’m alive because you’ve shown me that I can love again.”
Christian’s heart skipped and her breath caught. Alex made it all seem so simple, but it wasn’t. She did feel alive with Alex, but she couldn’t make that leap. She couldn’t give that much of herself and survive losing all over again. “Alex, I can’t…”
“I don’t expect anything, Christian. Please don’t run away from me again. Just be here with me right now. Be alive with me, right now.”
Unable to say more, Christian nodded.
*
Alex insisted upon walking Christian to her door, not wanting the night to end. She knew Christian had feelings for her, she could see it in her eyes. But she didn’t know what it would take to convince Christian of that.
Alex took the key from Christian and opened the door. Before Christian could walk inside, Alex embraced her. “Thank you for spending the evening with me,” Alex said before her mouth was on Christian’s.
She felt Christian stiffen momentarily before her lips softened and she gave herself over to the kiss. When she felt Christian’s mouth part, granting her entrance, she filled her with insistent strokes of her tongue. Her hands pressed into the soft swell of Christian’s hips, holding her in the embrace. When she heard Christian whimper and felt her cleave to her, Alex guided Christian into the room. Her growing hunger overwhelmed her senses. She sucked Christian’s tongue, explored her mouth. The moans of answering pleasure made Alex melt inside, and she slipped her hand up to caress Christian’s breast.
Christian moaned as Alex pressed her lips to the tender flesh of her neck and her hand found Christian’s firm, roun
d breast. Alex pinched the hard erect nipple between her finger and thumb. Her own breasts were hard, and the fabric of her shirt felt rough against her tender nipples as her body slid against Christian’s. She felt Christian’s hips surge into her, and fire exploded in her clitoris. She had dropped all her shields, and Christian was pushing her to the edge of desire. But as much as she wanted to take Christian in that moment, she knew it wasn’t enough. She wanted something deeper.
Alex pulled away and let her fingers drift down Christian’s torso, coming to rest on her waist.
The sudden loss of Alex’s touch on her breast left Christian clinging to the resonate pulse of her heartbeat in her groin. Breathless, she leaned her head forward and rested her forehead against Alex’s chest. One hand rested on Alex’s biceps and she could feel the tension in the taut muscle. Gathering herself, she drew in a calming breath. “Why did you stop? My God, Alex, you’re driving me crazy.”
Alex brushed a hand along her cheek, and Christian felt her grip tighten on her waist. “I stopped because I was almost beyond the point where I could. I want to make love with you again, but I want to know that when I do, it’s what you want. I don’t want you to have doubts about me, and I certainly don’t want you to have any regrets.”
Christian ran her hands down the front of Alex’s shirt, feeling the tight, hard nipples brush roughly against her palms. Alex stiffened and her fingers dug into Christian’s back. Christian paused, knowing her hesitation was her answer.
Alex loosened her grip and took a step back from Christian. “I should go,” she whispered.
“I can’t believe you’re talking me out of having sex with you.”
Alex chuckled. “I told you. I don’t want you to have any doubts. When you’re ready, you’ll come to me. You won’t have any more questions. And I’ll be waiting.”
Alex kissed her again. This time, the kiss was slow and gentle. Alex’s lips were soft as they brushed against her mouth.
“Good night, Christian,” Alex murmured and turned to go.
“Alex…” She wanted her to stay, but she knew Alex was right.
Alex stopped at the door, her hand resting on the latch, and looked back at Christian over her shoulder, desire still written on her face.
“Thank you.”
Alex smiled and opened the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” She winked at Christian as she disappeared into the hall, closing the door.
Christian stood staring at the door until she was certain she wouldn’t run after her. Her knees felt weak from the absence of Alex’s touch and the desire that still throbbed in her middle. She ran a hand down her front and clutched her stomach. Her body ached for Alex and she had been ready to give in to desire. She couldn’t believe Alex had stopped. She had felt the hunger in Alex’s touch and knew she was close to erupting.
Alex had stopped because she didn’t want this to be sex. She had wanted it to be love.
God, what was happening? She hadn’t wanted this. She hadn’t wanted any of this. But she had wanted Alex. She had wanted her from the first moment she’d laid eyes on her. She had sought her out, day after day, trying to get close to her. And now things had gone too far. She couldn’t love Alex. Could she?
Christian’s hands shook as she rubbed her face and headed to the shower to quench the fire burning through her body and the confusion clouding her mind.
Chapter Twenty
Being with Chacey again was like coming home. In all her imaginings, nothing had prepared Elaine for what she was experiencing. She loved Chacey with all her soul and being with her again was like being made whole again. But after spending a night and a day with Chacey, Elaine was glad to be back at the retreat. She had to get some fresh clothes and wanted some time to process everything that had happened. She still felt the lingering fear that always haunted her, but it was different now that Chacey was back in her life. Now the fear of not having Chacey in her life was greater than her fear of harm coming to her, and she would not send her away again. She’d promised Chacey she would only be a few hours, and they would meet for dinner.
Chacey had been reluctant to let her go but had given in when Elaine had promised she would be back. Elaine knew Chacey was afraid she would run away from her again. But that wasn’t going to happen. She was relieved to be back at the retreat but missed having Chacey with her. After her shower, she made her way around the grounds looking for Christian. Hannah had said she had gone for a walk early, but hadn’t come back for lunch. Elaine thought she knew just where she could find her.
The roses hung heavily along the trellis as Elaine stepped into the secret garden. She found Christian sitting on a bench near the hammock where they had spent that first day in the garden together. Elaine could see that Christian was lost in thought and hadn’t heard her approach. She seemed troubled. Concern flashed over Elaine and she stepped closer. “I thought I might find you here.”
Christian lifted her head and looked up at Elaine. Her skin was pale, her eyes unfocused.
“Oh, dear,” Elaine said and came to Christian’s side. “What is it, sweetheart?” Elaine suddenly realized that of all the time they had spent together comforting each other, Christian had never talked about the demons that haunted her. Now Elaine could see the pain as vividly as if it were alive and hovering over Christian like a menacing beast.
Christian didn’t answer. She just returned to staring at her hands, lying limply in her lap.
Elaine sat down with Christian and placed her arm around her shoulders, pulling her head to her chest and rocking her gently. Elaine let the silence linger for a while longer before prodding further. “Christian. Talk to me, sweetheart.”
Christian slowly raised her head and sighed. “I don’t know how,” she said, her voice hollow and defeated.
“Just start at the beginning. I find that is always easiest.”
Christian took a deep breath and began her story. “A little over a year and a half ago, I was in a terrible car accident. My lover, Cara, was killed. Now, no matter how hard I try, I can’t figure out how to go on living without her. She was so amazing. I thought we would grow old together. We would even talk about it and make jokes about being two old lesbians chasing each other around the old folks’ home with our canes and wheelchairs. She was the life, love, laughter, and happiness of my world. She was my champion.” Christian smiled weakly as she glanced at Elaine.
“I came to Willow Springs to try to figure out how to live in a world without Cara. The head injury I received in the crash left me with seizure-like spells. The fainting and the times I’ve seemed lost in my thoughts and almost unreachable are all the result of my injuries. I don’t know how to trust myself in my work or doing most normal everyday things. Since coming here, I’ve been better. I’ve gotten stronger and the spells have receded.”
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”
“I know.” Christian forced another smile. “I guess I thought if I came somewhere where no one knew my story, I could figure out how to start over and put the pain in the past.”
“So, what’s happened?” Elaine’s voice was soft and gentle as she encouraged Christian to keep talking.
“Alex happened.” Christian let out a long breath and her shoulders slumped.
“Alex?” Elaine asked, trying to put the pieces together.
“During all the years I knew Cara and even since the accident, I’ve never wanted another woman. Alex stirs feelings in me that I thought I’d never feel again.”
Understanding began to surface as Elaine thought about the years without Chacey and her lack of connection with another woman in all that time. Although she’d felt she could not be with Chacey, she had wanted to be faithful to the love she still had for her. “But there’s more, isn’t there,” she said knowingly.
Christian nodded. “I still love Cara. I miss her every day. I feel like I’m betraying her if I allow these feelings for Alex.” Her tears fell freely. “I don’t think I deserve to have someone love me.
I should have died that day.”
“Oh, sweetheart,” Elaine whispered, taking Christian into her arms again. “You didn’t leave Cara. You haven’t betrayed her. And I’m sure that she would never have left you, given a choice. A love like that is a rare and special gift. If you had spent fifty years together, it wouldn’t have been long enough to outlive that love.”
Christian sighed. “No.”
“So, what do you think Cara would say to you right now if she could tell you what to do?”
Christian was quiet for a while before answering. “I’m not sure.”
“Well, maybe you should ask. Put yourself in her place, knowing how much you loved her. What would you say if it were you?”
After a long silence, Elaine spoke again. “I loved Chacey so much that I’d have sacrificed myself for her. I became so caught up in seeing the situation from my point of view that I wouldn’t look at it any other way. By trying to protect her, I hurt her. My refusal to give up that control cost me precious time and almost cost me the person I love. It sounds like you’re only looking at your situation from the point of losing Cara. But what was all the time you spent together about? Don’t do what I did. Open your heart to the different possibilities.”
Christian remained quiet for a long time. Elaine sat thinking about her own revelation. She had only been seeing her situation from one point of view. She too had to open herself to more possibilities. A thought struck her. She had created the fear that trapped her memories in her mind. She had to start seeing the problem from a different point of view. And this time she wouldn’t do it alone.
*
Chacey grabbed the phone on the first ring, her heart in her throat. “Special Agent Bristol speaking.”
“Hi, Chacey,” a cheerful male voice said over the line. “How’s it going?”
Chacey pushed out a sigh of relief at hearing Joey’s voice. “Hi, Joey. Things here are good. Is everything good with the house? Is Miss Priss giving Charley a hard time?”
Healing Hearts Page 15
