With a soundless cry of despair, Jessica turned her face into the pillow, fighting memories, fighting nightmares, fighting herself. Sensing weakness, the wind howled around her. Its icy fingers pried beneath her control, screaming to her in her mother’s voice.
But it was Wolfe’s words Jessica heard, Wolfe’s words that stripped her to her naked soul.
Wait for the right woman, one like Willow, a woman not a girl…a woman passionate enough to set your soul on fire…generous enough to give you children despite the risk to her own life.
Jessica is not that woman.
The wind screamed triumphantly as memory, nightmare, and storm combined, telling Jessica that she was alone and the wind was everywhere.
The sounds she refused to make shuddered through her tense body. Though she managed to stem her own cries, she could not stem the black tide of memories drowning her, a childhood recalled by her mother’s voice screaming with the wind, incidents she had spent a lifetime hiding from except in nightmares, and those she refused to remember upon awakening.
But Jessica finally was awake now. She was remembering her mother’s screams and her father’s curses, two figures interlocked on the hallway floor in brutal sexual combat.
I won’t remember!
Yet Jessica could not stop remembering.
Abruptly, she knew she could control her cries no longer. There was only one place where she would be free. Outside, in the center of the wind’s violence, where nothing living could hear her scream.
Just as Jessica’s legs slid over the edge of the bed, a powerful arm snaked around her waist and hauled her backward. The contact was unexpected, an extension of her nightmare where her father’s thick arm hooked around her fleeing mother, draging her down to the mating she had fought with every bit of strength in her small body.
Wolfe sensed the wild tension in Jessica the instant before she exploded. He put his free hand over her mouth, shutting off her scream as he bore her down beneath him on the bed. After a flurry of struggle, he overwhelmed her attempts to be free of him. Soon she was helpless, her arms stretched above her head, her wrists locked together in one of Wolfe’s hands, his other hand clamped over her mouth, and his big body pinning her so completely she could barely breathe. Screaming was impossible. So was escape.
«If you think I’m going to let you tiptoe off to have your feelings soothed by one of those fine Moran brothers, you’re crazy,» Wolfe said in a low, savage voice.
At first the words didn’t register through Jessica’s panic. Finally, the simple fact that she was helpless but not being hurt penetrated her fear. It was Wolfe imprisoning her. It was Wolfe speaking to her. Wolfe, whom she had trusted from the first moment she saw him. Wolfe, who would never hurt her as her mother had been hurt. Wolfe, who had been her talisman against nightmare and waking terror. Wolfe, who might hate her, but would never rape her.
With a convulsive shudder, Jessica stopped fighting.
«That’s better, your ladyship. I know my touch repulses you, but that’s too damned bad. You’re the one who wanted to be married, not me.»
Jessica’s eyes widened. She turned her head from side to side, trying to evade Wolfe’s hand over her mouth. After a moment, he lifted his palm. She licked her lips and tried to speak. On the third attempt, words came.
«Being touched by you doesn’t repulse me,» she whispered. «Truly, Wolfe.»
«You lie very sweetly, Sister Jessica, but your body tells me the truth,» Wolfe said sardonically. «You would have screamed and clawed my eyes out if I had let you. Hardly the act of a girl pleased by a man’s touch.»
«You don’t understand. I was remembering and then you grabbed me, and I didn’t know what was memory or nightmare and what was real.»
«Save your lies for the Moran brothers. They believe you’re half the woman you look to be. I know better.»
Wolfe released Jessica and rolled aside as though repelled by the very feel of her skin.
«Wolfe,» she whispered raggedly, reaching out to him. «Wolfe, you’re the only one I’ve ever trusted. Please don’t abandon me to the wind. It will steal my mind as surely as it stole hers.»
The cold trembling of Jessica’s hand on his arm shocked Wolfe almost as much as her words.
«It’s just a storm,» he said roughly.
«No,» Jessica whispered. «It stole her soul. Can’t you hear herscreaming?Listen. It’s the cry of a woman newly damned.»
A chill moved down Wolfe’s spine. The slow shudders that took Jessica’s body were transmitted to him by the cold fingers clinging to his arm. Despite his anger, he could no more turn away from her naked pleas than he could walk out of his own skin. He put his hand over hers, trying to warm her fingers.
«Jessi…it’s just the wind, no more.»
She didn’t hear Wolfe. She heard only the keening cry of her memories. Wide-eyed, motionless but for the trembling she couldn’t control, she lay and listened to the wind, knowing that soon her mother would drag herself from her father’s bed and walk the stone hallways, crying and wailing, her screams rising and falling in awful harmony with the wind.
«Jessi?»
There was no answer but her quick, shallow breaths. Slowly, Wolfe gathered Jessica against his body. Though she was so tense that she was all but rigid, she didn’t fight his embrace. She simply lay against him, quivering like a bowstring drawn to the breaking point. He had felt the same shivering in her once before, when he had held her amid a fragrant haystack while a wild storm hammered all around. She had been crying with fear then.
He found himself wishing that she would weep now.
She didn’t. She simply lay and shuddered at random, finally driven beyond her ability to endure. The knowledge that he had pushed Jessica to the point of breaking brought no triumph to Wolfe. Had he been able, he would have undone every hurtful word. He had never meant to bring her this low.
«It’s all right, elf,» Wolfe said gently. He stroked Jessica’s back, trying to draw some of the tension from her. «Nothing can harm you. I’ll keep you safe.»
«I thought so once,» she whispered. A shudder racked her body. «Nothing can hold back the wind.»
«The wind can’t hurt you.» Wolfe’s hand smoothed slowly over Jessica’s soft hair. «You’re safe with me.»
The silence went on so long Wolfe became uneasy. He turned aside for a moment to light a candle, thinking that the warm dance of flame would comfort Jessica. When he turned back, she was watching the window with a fixed stare that made his skin cold.
«Jessi?» he whispered.
«Dinnaye hear her, laddie?» Jessica asked, her voice and accents that of the Scots child she once had been.
Ice slid down Wolfe’s spine. «Who do you hear?»
Jessica blinked and her voice changed, her accents becoming clipped, English. «The earl is at mum again. First the screaming and then the bleeding and then the burying.»
Wolfe looked down at Jessica. Her eyes were still wide, still focused on something only she could see, something that so horrified her that she was literally chilled by the sight.
«Tell me what you see,» Wolfe commanded gently.
She closed her eyes. «I will not remember.»
«You must. It’s eating you alive. Name your devil and it can’t own you. Name it, Jessi. Nothing is worse than what you now feel.»
Thunder broke in an avalanche of sound that shook the house. Jessica didn’t flinch, for she was caught in a far older, far more violent storm. Her eyes opened. They were sightless, fixed on a past only she could see.
«The earl wants a son,» she whispered. There was no English accent, no Scots burr, nothing but the rhythms and accents of the West.
Wolfe stroked Jessica’s hair, trying to reassure her.
«Go on,» he said softly.
«The earl wants a son.»
«Yes, I understand.»
«Mother doesn’t want to breed. She never wanted to breed after the first time. It near killed her.»
Wolfe’s hand hesitated as he remembered Jessica’s certainty that women never wanted another child after bearing the first. Slowly, he continued the soothing downward motion of his hand over Jessica’s tangled hair.
«Is your father angry about your mother?»
«Always. He’s drunk. He’s walking down the hall to mother’s room. The door is locked. He hammers on it and hammers on it. I can’t hear a lot of what he yells because it’s storming and she is screaming again.»
Wolfe closed his eyes for an instant, hoping that the suspicions coiling coldly in his gut were wrong.
«Does your mother open the door?» he asked.
«No.»
With a silent sigh of relief, Wolfe asked, «What else do you see?»
«He takes an ax to the door. Thunder and chopping and screaming. She sounds just like the wind screaming.»
Wolfe closed his eyes for an instant. Very gently, he brushed his lips over Jessica’s forehead. Her skin was clammy.
«He drags her into the hall,» Jessica continued, «swearing he’ll have a son of her if it’s the last thing either one of them ever does. Some nights I thought it would be.»
Wolfe’s heart turned over as he sensed what was coming next. «Jessi…»
She didn’t hear. «Mother would fight and he would beat her until she was quiet so he could rut on her. When it was over she just lay there until I came and washed off the blood and took her back to bed.»
«Merciful God,» Wolfe breathed, horrified. «You were just a child!»
Jessica kept talking as though Wolfe hadn’t spoken. She no longer wanted to stem the floodtide of memories. She wanted only to make Wolfe understand that she hadn’t withdrawn from him because he repulsed her.
«Sometimes she simply miscarried after weeks of sickness,» Jessica continued relentlessly. «Sometimes she grew big despite the endless vomiting and fainting. Then she slowly turned yellow and was brought screaming to a childbed, knowing the babe within was dead. No one from the village would tend her, for they believed her cursed. I stayed with her.»
«Jessi…» Wolfe’s voice broke.
«When it was finished, I washed and dressed the tiny corpse in a christening gown. They were like wax dolls, as still and pale as the marble headstone we placed on the grave. Six headstones all in a row.»
Jessica looked through Wolfe with wide, dilated eyes. «I did what I could to keep the wind from taking them and her. The wind took them anyway, and finally it took her. I heard their voices in every storm, yet I hear hers most of all. She’s calling to me, reminding me what horror awaits women in the marriage bed.»
Wolfe started to touch Jessica comfortingly, then stopped, not wanting to frighten her. He finally understood all too well how a man’s touch could horrify her.
A final, violent shudder went through Jessica’s body. When it passed, she focused on Wolfe for the first time since memories had claimed her. She could see little more of him than his outline against the golden glow of the candle. Hesitantly, she lifted her hands to his face, needing reassurance of his reality.
«You are so warm,» she breathed.
Slowly, she caressed Wolfe’s cheeks, enjoying the heat of life burning beneath his skin, warming herself as though he were a fire. The simple hunger for his warmth made Wolfe understand how cold she had felt. He tried to speak, but had no words to equal the mixture of emotions tangled within him.
«I didn’t mean to fight you,» Jessica whispered, struggling to keep her voice from breaking. «Not my own Wolfe.» Her arms went around Wolfe’s neck as she pressed her face against his chest. «Please don’t hate me. You’re the only one I’ve ever trusted.»
Wolfe felt the sudden heat of her tears against his neck and his own eyes burned. He made a low sound and touched her cheek with a hand that trembled.
«I don’t hate you, Jessi,» he said hoarsely. «Never that.»
She turned to press a kiss against his palm.
«Thank you,» she whispered.
«Don’t turn the knife,» he said, his voice fraying. «I should be the one asking you not to hate me. I thought you were just spoiled and stubborn. I didn’t know you were fighting for your life.»
Wolfe’s lips brushed repeatedly over Jessica’s eyelids and lashes, taking her tears. «Don’t cry, elf. Don’t cry. It tears out my heart. Please stop. I’ll never be cruel like that again.»
«I’m s-sorry. I know my tears d-disgust you, but I —»
Wolfe’s thumb pressed gently against Jessica’s lips, stilling her words. «Your tears don’t disgust me.»
«But you s-said —»
His thumb pressed against her lips once more. «Hush, little one. When I said that, I was furious because I thought my touch repulsed you.»
«Never,» Jessica said instantly, tightening her arms around Wolfe’s neck. «Nevernevernever! You were my talisman against the wind. I carried you inside my heart, but then you started hating me and there was nothing left but the wind.»
Wolfe’s throat closed as an agonizing combination of sorrow and self-contempt claimed him. His arms tightened, holding Jessica close enough to feel her breath against his skin.
«Where were you going when I stopped you a few minutes ago?» he asked finally.
«To the wind.»
When Wolfe tried to speak, he couldn’t. Then words came in a whispered rush, her name repeated with every breath as he brushed kisses over her eyelids and cheeks. He wanted to tell her how much he regretted hurting her, yet all he could think of was how he had failed to understand her.
When I’m with you, I don’t hear the wind.
Then he had turned on her and driven her toward the very thing that most terrified her.
«I’m sorry, Jessi,» Wolfe whispered finally. «If I had known, I never would have been so harsh. Can you believe that?»
Jessica nodded, her face pressed tightly against Wolfe’s neck.
«Can you forgive me?» he asked.
Again she nodded, and held him even more tightly.
He made an odd sound. «I don’t know how you can. I find I can’t forgive myself.»
Silently, Wolfe held Jessica until at last he felt the violent tension begin to ebb from her body. She still flinched if the wind shook the house, but she no longer trembled like an aspen leaf in a storm. Finally she let out a long, broken sigh and kissed the curve of Wolfe’s neck where her face had been pressed. The skin was warm and wet with her tears.
«I seem to have cried all over you.»
«I don’t mind.»
Jessica tilted her head back until she could see Wolfe’s eyes. «Truly?»
«Truly.»
She smiled with lips that still had a faint trembling. «Does that mean you’ve forgiven me?»
«I told you, Jessi. I didn’t mean what I said about your tears disgusting me.»
«No. I meant do you forgive me for trapping you into marriage?»
There was a heartbeat of silence before Wolfe sighed. «You believed you were fighting for your life. I can’t blame you for that.»
«I didn’t know how unfair it would be to you,» Jessica whispered as tears overflowed again. «I believed I would be a good wife for you, truly I did. I didn’t know how lacking I was in…everything.»
Wolfe’s thumb smoothed over her lips, stilling the words she would have spoken next. «Don’t belittle yourself, Jessi. It’s not your fault that I’m ahalfbreed bastard. You will make a fine wife for a lord.»
«Stop,» she said, pressing her fingers over his mouth.
Gently, he lifted her hand and continued speaking. «It’s the truth. You were born and raised to grace a lord’s castle.»
«The truth is you’re a man to turn every woman’s head, and her heart as well. Surely you know that, Wolfe.»
«I know that looks aren’t much of a recommendation in men, horses, dogs, or women,» he said dryly.
Jessica smiled despite the tears that fell slowly down her cheeks. «‘Tisnot just your looks, my Lord Wolfe, and we
ll you know it. You are so very much a man.»
Wolfe bent and brushed his mouth over the silver trails of her tears. «Stay beneath the covers, Jessi. I’ll be right back.»
As Wolfe got out of bed, he pulled on the dark pants he had discarded earlier. When he stood, he sensed Jessica watching him. He glanced over his shoulder and saw the admiration in her eyes as she looked at his naked back. Desire coiled within him, but no anger followed. He finally understood that she wasn’t teasing him just to watch him squirm. Jessica didn’t realize what her look invited. She would have been frightened if she did know. Given what she had seen of sex, he expected nothing else.
When Wolfe returned, he was carrying a small glass of brandy in one hand and a pan of warm water in the other. He put the pan on the bedside table, sat on the bed, and warmed the glass in his hands. Soon the heady aroma of brandy curled upward.
«I want you to think of this as medicine,» Wolfe said. «It will ease the last of the coldness inside you.»
«How did you know I feel cold inside?»
He shrugged. «I’ve known the black ice of fear. It’s not something you forget.»
Startled, she watched him with wide aquamarine eyes. «You?»
Wolfe smiled at her look of disbelief. «Many times.»
«When?»
«One of the worst times was when I saw a bull buffalo thundering toward Lord Robert after his horse stepped in a prairie dog hole and went down. I was the length of the herd from him, riding bareback at a dead gallop. I had seen Cheyenne hunters killed by buffalo. I knew what would happen if I missed my shot.»
«You didn’t miss.»
«No, I didn’t. But sometimes I think it would have been better if I had.»
When Wolfe saw the shock in Jessica’s face, the corner of his mouth turned down. Silently, he encouraged her to take a drink of brandy. She swallowed, grimaced, and swallowed again.
«I didn’t mean I wished Lord Robert dead,» Wolfe said finally. «But if I hadn’t made such a spectacular shot, he would have left me with the Cheyenne. I was thirteen, just coming into the mysteries of being a warrior.»
Jessica watched Wolfe over the rim of the brandy glass, her eyes intent, reflecting the dance of candlelight.
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