“Share,” Zaena reminds him. With her ghost limbs, she uncorks the healing potion and takes a sip without touching her mouth to the bottle.
“Ah, come on, Liz! That’s more than half … ”
She hands it to FeeTwix, who takes a healthy gulp.
“You can have my share,” Ryuk tells Hiccup.
The goblin leaps up and takes the bottle from FeeTwix’s hands. He stuffs it in his noise hole, sucks it down, and jams his tongue as far as he can into the bottle to lap up anything that’s left. “Good, but not great,” he says as he wipes his mouth with his mechanical arm. “Let’s kick some ninja ass, and get the hell out of here. I feel like we’re wasting valuable time in this forest. You said we had four healing potions left, right?”
“I did.” FeeTwix’s eyes are completely black. Just moments ago earlier, he announced that nearly 750,000 people were watching his livestream. He expects that number to rise as they enter the temple.
“How ‘bout letting Uncle Goblin keep two of them? You can focus on, um, killing and whatnot.” Hiccup nods up the stone stairway. “I predict there will be a fick-ton of ninjas up there, maybe even a fick-ton and a half, so it’d be better if all our healing stuff wasn’t concentrated on just one person. Hell, with a weakling like Marbles, you never know when one of us will have to run back and stick a bottle in his mouth. Trust me on this: you’ll want another compadre with a potion or two.”
“And this compadre should be you?” Zaena asks.
“Who else should it be? You’ll be too busy twirling swords to bother healing the rest of us.”
“Fair point.”
“So whaddaya say, Twixy, two potions?”
“Keep quiet,” Ryuk hisses.
The stone stairs are steep, at least six or seven flights, and they’ll likely get hit somewhere along their ascent. His dream armor has done a bang-up job so far of protecting him, but he’d still prefer to keep any adversaries at a distance. He moves a few steps in front of his guildmates to better his focus.
“Fine, fine!” FeeTwix waves his hands in defeat. “Have two potions, but do not drink them now.”
“Fick yeah!” Hiccup says loudly as he takes the potions. “You know, FeeTwix you ain’t such a bad guy after all. Now your new squeeze here … ”
“Charo tugtukh lopp.”
The goblin snorts. “She’s growing on me too – like a rash. Ha! I kid, I kid – even though she just called me a bloody fick stain. Another choice bit of Thulean I’ll have to use.”
“You liked that one?” Zaena smiles over to Hiccup.
“If you’re asking me if I give credit where credit is due, the answer is ‘yes’. Now we’d better be quiet because Marbles up there thinks we’re making too much noise.”
Zaena stifles a laugh.
Damn goblin.
FeeTwix joins Ryuk near the top of the steps. “We’ll need to head to a town after we loot the temple,” he says in a low voice. “I’ve noticed that the enemies are getting stronger.”
“That’s because they adjust their strength in relation to our level. The only way to combat this is to armor up. The enemy level gauge used by the Sage … ”
“The Sage?”
“Tritania’s AI,” Ryuk says, “the NVA Seed. The enemy’s levels are tied only to our physical levels, regardless of what we’ve equipped.”
“Sweet.” FeeTwix places a friendly hand on Ryuk’s shoulder. His eyes flash blue. “Did you see anything up there?”
“No, it’s extremely quiet, even with all the noise.” Behind him, Hiccup and Zaena are conversing in Thulean. He can’t tell if they are arguing or swapping Sotlan macaroon recipes – the guttural sound of Thulean makes everything sound aggressive.
“Let me take a look.” A portion of a mechanical skull takes shape in FeeTwix’s hand. The jaw bone is missing, as is the entire right side of the skull. The left eyehole is intact, and covered by a ruby red lens. “I keep meaning to get a strap added to this so I can at least wrap it around my head,” he says as he lifts the skull to his face, “but this will do.”
“What is it exactly?” Ryuk asks.
“A Reaper skull,” he says. “I picked it up in a world called Steam. It may be one of the rarest items I own. It allows me to see beyond the grid lines of the world. It does other things too, but that’s mostly what I use it for.” He holds the mask to his face and takes a slow look around.
Reapers? Ryuk considers this for a moment. He’s heard of the murder guild before – one cannot be in the Knights of Non Compos Mentis without hearing of the battles they waged with the Reapers – but he knows little about them or if they still even exist.
“Nice one, Yorick.” Hiccup remarks as he passes. “You look like a fickin’ Terminator’s migraine with that thing on, Twixy.”
“What alien device is this?” With her ghost limb, Zaena snags the partial skull from FeeTwix.
“Careful with that!”
She holds the mask to her face, gasps, and hands it back like it’s covered in flaming radioactive Thulean Ebola. “I’d … I’d rather not be reminded of what I am,” she says under her breath.
The phrase loops in Ryuk’s head for a moment: I’d rather not be reminded of what I am. If there were ever a quote to describe the way he feels about the real world …
Mask back in hand, FeeTwix finishes his scan for hostiles. “Nothing,” he shrugs, “no enemies lurking anywhere, and no booby traps either.”
“Regardless, everyone keep their weapons up,” Zaena says, “there are some things your alien attachments can’t sense.”
(0)__(0)
“Talk about anticlimactic.” Hiccup reaches the top of the stone stairs and stretches his arms over his head. About the only thing the Mitherfickers battled on their way to the top were a stubbed toe and Hiccup’s gaseous eructation that followed.
“I don’t know about you three, but I’m ready for a proper fried gob-brekky with a side of Yoshi McNuggets and a McStarbucks pumpkin spice half-caf soy latte, extra foam, and steamed to 130 degrees Fahrenheit thank-you-very-much. I didn’t have time to have a proper gob-nosh this morning.”
Zaena gives him a queasy look.
The devious goblin drums his fingers across his belly. “So what do you say we use the cashola from raiding this temple to have ourselves a fickin’ epic feast? I’m talking the works: meat, meat, meat, some dairy, and more meat. And ale. Dessert too – candied meat, if they have it.”
FeeTwix turns to Ryuk. “Seen a set up like this before?”
Ryuk nods. There’s a stone wash basin to the right of the entrance and an old donation box on the left.
Wrapping around the temple walls are a collection of short stone lanterns, known as tōrō, many of which have lost the integrity of their original forms. Ryuk has seen this type of thing a thousand times – one doesn’t have to look very far to find a similar temple in Japan.
The Swede pushes the wooden door open and the sweet fragrance of cherry blossoms wafts out. The pink, white, and red cherry blossoms swirl around the four, inviting them in.
“It’s so beautiful!” Zaena gasps.
With Ryuk at the rear, they enter the courtyard and trample through a pink blanket of blossoms. Another breeze picks up, lifting the blossoms and cartwheeling them towards one of the thatched buildings in the far corner of the courtyard.
Cherry blossoms – sakura in Japanese – are thought of as a perfect metaphor for life and death. They bloom for one week, fall from the trees, and are mercilessly tossed around in the wind until they are swept up and disposed of. Ryuk has never really thought of them this way, and seeing them in their digital form gives him no more pleasure than seeing them in person.
Besides, he’s much more focused on the giant stone statue of a warrior in the center of the courtyard.
A stereotypical Western appropriation of Asian iconography, to be sure, but Ryuk can’t help but feel intimidated by the ominous conical jigasa on the statue’s head; or the yellow magic that light
ly skirts along the rim of the hat; or the angry Tengu mask on his face; or the two stone swords sheathed at its side.
Just to be on the safe side, he loads two knife marbles into pocket of his slingshot and scans the rooftops. “The statue is an enchanted object,” he tells everyone.
“Yellow magic?” Zaena asks.
He nods as cherry blossoms lift into the air as a light zephyr picks up.
The wind carries them to the four corners of the courtyard, depositing the petals along the interior walls of the temple. Oddly, none of the flowers come remotely close to the colossal warrior statue, which stands a good five meters tall.
FeeTwix snaps his wrist and the two blades on his sword shift to thirty-degree angles. His eyes have darkened again, black enough to reflect the whites of the flower petals floating in front of him. “What about a preemptive strike?” He asks. “Let’s take out the statue now, before the cavalry arrives.”
Zaena shakes her. “Not a good idea. Attacking the statue may bring it to life.” She spins left, her four swords up and ready. “I could have sworn I sensed something over there!”
Why are all of our senses fuzzy? Ryuk tries to use his Extreme Focus skill, but the sheer number of cherry blossoms now spinning all around him block his ability to see.
Out the mess of spinning petals comes a shuriken. It sticks into the chest plate of his dream armor and explodes before he can yank it out.
-25 HP!
Ryuk gets off two knife marbles in the general direction of the attack as he’s hurled backwards.
He smacks into a stone pillar and slides to the ground. To his right he sees Zaena death-dancing with the blossoms, cutting them out of the air and creating a whirling wall-o-blades to ward off more projectile attacks. FeeTwix and Hiccup are somewhere around her, but not visible from his location.
He crouches, places a clear marble in the pouch of his slingshot, and aims it ten feet or so above Zaena’s head. As he looses the marble he shouts, “Reveal enemy!”
Reveal enemy!
It worked again!
The petals drop out of the air revealing roughly fifteen ninjas clad in pink cherry blossom camouflage armor. They range in levels, from eight to twelve, their hit points in the low to mid three hundreds. Ryuk sees a few bows, the requisite swords, sais, nunchucks, and vigoorian flails.
A shield takes shape in FeeTwix’s left hand, its surface pocked with indentations from bullet strikes. Hiccup has a shield too, but it’s no larger than a cake-decorating stand.
The ninjas descend upon the Mitherfickers.
Ryuk zips three black marbles at the first cluster of ninjas. They scatter and narrowly avoid the explosion. One backflips to the top of a cherry blossom tree, and from there, looses arrows at Ryuk as the tree shifts beneath the ninja’s weight. The stone pillar shields Ryuk; he leans out and catapults three more black marbles at the enemy.
Damn! His magic slingshot overheats again.
As he shakes it out over his head to cool it down, a lithesome pink-clad she-ninja drops down in front of him and spins in with a pair of sais. He gets his arm up and his dream armor parries the attack, just in time for a rococo dragon-handled sword to sprout from the she-ninja’s chest. Instakill!
A quick look over his shoulder and he sees that even though Zaena has three swords and four ninjas to contend with, she still had time to save Ryuk’s ass.
Time to return the favor. He wipes his face, loads two knife marbles, and waits for the perfect opportunity to present itself. The nearest ninja bends into the start of a forward flip and gets the knife marbles where the moon shineth not.
-100 HP!
His Cherry Poppin’ Daddy skill sends the flipping ninja face first to the stone.
The clash, clatter and clang of steel upon steel pulls Ryuk’s attention to an uneven contest between FeeTwix, Hiccup, and two vigoorian flail-wielding female ninjas. The ninjas fight as a coordinated team; Hiccup and FeeTwix are steadily giving ground and losing health.
I’ve got this. Ryuk aims a black marble at the closest ninja’s head, just as an intense wind whips the cherry blossom petals into a pink-out that obscures their surroundings. The vigoorian duo momentarily distracted, FeeTwix pops off a pair of flash-bangs to keep them even more distracted.
Ryuk can feel the concussion from the blast in his D-NAS.
“There’s too many!” the Swede shouts, as stroboscopic flashes add rod-and-cone-searing confusion to the pink-out. “We need to circle up, get back to back! Back to back!” The Mitherfickers tortoise up as the flower petals spin all around them. “We need to form a … a tank!” FeeTwix has a jagged cut across his cheek, his health has taken a hit and his eyes are black and recording even as his face radiates a fierce joy.
The Swede is in his element.
“We need to take out the statue!”
“You don’t know what it will do!” Zaena shouts over her shoulder.
“If we take it out, we’ll kill the ninjas too. It’s a classic boss battle!”
Hiccup deflects an arrow with his caterer’s shield. “The cowardly wankers and their fickin’ poofty disguises!”
“Listen to me!” FeeTwix shouts as he blocks a shuriken. “I’ll be in the front with my shield and my slice bang. Ryuk, you’re the turret and Zaena, you protect Ryuk from the sides with your swords!”
“What about me?” Hiccup shouts.
“You’re the rear and dammit, do you have a bigger shield?”
“Rear admiral it is!” More arrows and shurikens fly out the wall of whirling cherry blossoms. “Dragon ficks! Of course I have a bigger shield, I’m a shield warrior!” A heavy shield taller than Hiccup and as wide as two goblins materializes out of thin air. The scutum thunks on the ground and Hiccup scoops his arms into the arm braces and hunkers down.
“We’re not done yet,” FeeTwix tells Ryuk. “Hold your hands out!”
Ryuk does as instructed and nearly drops the weapon that forms.
“A bazooka!?” he asks as he stares wide-eyed at the weapon.
“It’s an RPG-7, a rocket propelled grenade!” FeeTwix narrowly blocks an incoming arrow.
“Less parsing more killing, Twixy!”
“I have no idea how to use this thing!”
“Let’s go!” The Swede fires his slice bang and the Mitherfickers move forward, Hiccup at the rear with his scutum, Zaena using her ghost limbs to knock out projectiles coming from the sides, and Ryuk with a bazooka hoisted on his shoulder that he has no idea how to use.
FeeTwix: When you see the statue, aim and pull the trigger!
Ryuk: There must be more to it than that!
FeeTwix: Suspend your disbelief and fire the goddamn rocket!
The statue looms into view as a shuriken pings against the barrel of the RPG. Ryuk readjusts, and the Mitherfickers press forward. He lines the statue up in the sights, hopes for the best, takes a gulp of air, and squeezes the trigger.
His heart leaps into his throat and he swallows it down as the warhead spears through the air.
The statue explodes into rubble and bits.
- 200 HP! Ryuk’s tossed backwards; his vision pane flashes red as he takes a huge hit from the weapons penalty.
Everything becomes a blur as a metal hand twists his face sideways. A healing potion is shoved into his mouth, and as Ryuk guzzles it, the flashing red colors cease and everything around him settles. He turns his head to find Hiccup nursing him.
+85 HP!
“Don’t get used to it,” the goblin grumbles, “and don’t drink it all either!”
(0)__(x)
A few of the pink ninjas sob, others collapse on the ground, draw knees to chest and rock back and forth as they squeeze their legs with their arms. The four guild members are still on their feet, ready for anything, no clue whatsoever on how how to handle a bunch weeping cherry blossom ninjas.
“That … ” One of the male ninjas approaches them with his sword drawn. He points it at the Mitherfickers, but the will to brandish it drain
s out of him and he quickly lowers it. “That was our father!”
“The statue was your … father?” FeeTwix keeps his slice bang aimed at the ninja.
“It was technically a statue dedicated to our late father, but that’s what he looked like, so yes, damn you, that was a statue of our father!” The ninja sniffs loudly, chokes back tears, and swallows hard. “You fucking assholes!”
Hiccup’s big shield disappears and he nearly falls over laughing. “Ha! Talk about a bunch of little bitches! And watch your mouth, fickboy, there are ladies present.” He winks at Zaena.
The ninja seethes. “You shut your filthy goblin mouth! You know nothing about our father, our dear papa who built this temple stone by stone and planted each and every one of these cherry blossom trees!”
“Daddy!” One of the female ninjas with a vigoorian flail slowly starts to wrap the chain around her neck. “I can’t live without him here,” she tells her sister in a hushed voice.
FeeTwix: A little help here, anyone? What the hell is going on!?
Zaena: I told you not attack the statue.
“This was not what we were expecting,” Ryuk tells the lead ninja. He starts to bow out of habit and stops himself.
The ninja tenses. “What the hell were you expecting!? You storm into our temple waving your weapons around after killing half our cousins in the forest below! And what about our relatives in the hanging coffins? Did you expect us to greet you with open arms?”
One of the ninjas with his knees clutched tightly to his chest laments, “You guys are some real dirty assholes!”
“I’ll show you a dirty asshole!” Hiccup bristles.
“We were, um, expecting a boss battle.” Ryuk clears his throat.
“We are the boss battle!” The head ninja throws his hands up in the air. “Fucking commoners, I swear to the Empress. And you just had to go and destroy the statue of our father!”
“It was enchanted,” FeeTwix reminds him, “we thought it would come alive.”
The ninja smashes his fists together. “It was enchanted because it contains, or contained, the essence of our most cherished ancestor. He built this temple stone by stone and planted all of the cherry blossom trees!”
Fantasy Online_Hyperborea Page 16
