“It’s wonderful!” She turns, allowing FeeTwix to clasp the chain with the small silver circlet around her neck.
With that, the goblin clomps right past Ryuk with a tray full of steaming dragon wings and plops down onto the nearest bed.
“Ahem.” Jim straightens the front of his black tuxedo. “And for the rest of you?”
“I’ll have some tea,” Tamana tells him, “something with mink’s willow to restore my MP.”
“Do you have any macaroons?” Zaena asks. FeeTwix nudges her with his elbow. “What?” Her high cheekbones flush red, which provides an interesting contrast to her orange bob and her green tint. “Not those type of macaroons!” She playfully slaps him with her ghost limb.
Ryuk laughs and the pressure he’s felt for the last hour dissipates. His group, his newfound friends, have a way of lightening the dark corners of his life. The fact that Tamana is there only makes the feeling that much better, adding a true sense of familiarity to the group.
Hiccup interrupts his little moment by beating his chest with his fist. “Damn generic healing potions and my fickin’ heartburn. Jim, get me a couple of Hopkins’ Holistic Healing Nostrums and make it snappy. Well, it doesn’t need to be snappy, but when you come back, bring some and bill the guild.” He gives Ryuk a shit-eating grin. “The helm that Dirty Dave gave me really hooked us the fick up.”
He spreads his grubby hands in front of him and a pile of rupees fall to the floor; he snaps his mechanical fingers and they disappear.
FeeTwix plunks down next to Hiccup and puts his arm around the goblin’s shoulder. “You are one crazy mitherficker,” he tells Hiccup, his eyes still black. “You have an actual fan group now; just thought you’d like to know that.”
“How many?”
“Twenty-thousand. They are calling themselves ‘The Fickers.’ They love how OP you are.”
“What?” Hiccup points at FeeTwix’s black eyes. “Listen, Fickers, if you want my love, if you really want my respect, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want. I want to see thirty-three thousand members by tomorrow morning. Also, um, FeeTwix, what are you currently hawking?”
The Swede’s eyes flash blue. “The Old Banana Navy Gap Republic is having an epic sale on women’s jewelry for Valentine’s Day. Sixty percent off all jewelry with the mention of #FeeTwixRox online or in retail stores.” His eyes turn black again.
Hiccup grins. “Also, I want you all to get your asses to Old … ” he gives FeeTwix a confused look. “What the fick was it?”
“The Old Banana Navy Gap Republic.”
“Whatever the fick he just said. Go there, and buy some of that shit and wear it.”
“It’s jewelry for women.”
“Great! Strike a blow for gender neutrality or something! Buy fick-tons of it, and tell them Uncle Goblin sent you!”
“The discount code is #FeeTwixRox.”
“Fick this, I give up.” Hiccup throws his hands up in the air and returns to his dragon wings.
(0)__(0)
As the others eat, and as FeeTwix tries several times to explain to Hiccup how to correctly market and live-sell a product, Tamana moves towards Ryuk and motions him to the door. They step out into the lobby and take a seat in on a green sofa that, like most of the decor in this place, doesn’t quite fit the fantasy parameters.
“Tell me what happened out there.” She lifts a strand of white hair out of her face and tucks it into the braid on the side. “I know you, Ryuk, I know something happened.”
His thoughts regarding RPCs and their “realness” come to him and he pushes them far away. She’s here, and that’s what matters.
“As I told you before I logged out – my brother stopped by.”
“And?”
“He threatened Hajime with a weapon that shuts down humandroids.”
“Really?” She places her hand over her mouth; the concern on her face is one of the more genuine things he has seen in a while, even if it is fake, he reminds himself.
“He came at me and … ” Ryuk relives the experience, the sound of the shattering table, the blood. “I pushed him into my coffee table and he broke it. Hurt himself too.”
Tamana moves back. “You shoved him?”
“Yeah.” Ryuk bites his lip. “I was, still am, sick of his shit. He can kill me for all I care! He will no longer intimidate me.”
She looks away and is quiet for a moment. Finally, she turns back to Ryuk. “Don’t say that.”
“Say what?”
“That he can kill you. I don’t want you to die.”
“But I don’t care if I live, so that makes dying a lot easier. That, and the fact that I will spawn here, and we can … ”
She looks away. “I don’t want you to think that way about dying. It’s too serious to be trivialized. Yes, you can come here as an RPC once you die, but I don’t want you to think of it as some type of backup plan. You need to live, enjoy your life up there, get married, have kids …”
“I don’t want any of that.” Ryuk grabs Tamana’s hand. “I want you, that’s it. Not someone else up there. I want what we have here.”
Shogyo Mujo, Ryuk thinks, all worldly things are transitory.
“Don’t … you don’t know what you’re saying. You’re just going through a lot right now. I’m not real.” She runs her hands along the front of her avatar’s body to make her point. “I’m an RPC, which as you know, is just a very well-designed NPC. The Tamana you knew up there is dead.”
“No, she’s right here.” He squeezes her hand even harder.
“That’s not the way it is, Ryuk, and you know that.”
He releases her hand and sits back for a moment, thinking of what to say next. “Do you remember the RPC couples we’ve met in Valhalla and other places?”
“I do.”
“We can be like them.”
A sad smile moves across her face. “But you’re not an RPC and, I don’t even know if that’s the kind of relationship we should have right now.”
His heart sinks. “So you wouldn’t have said yes, huh?”
“What do you mean?”
When I asked you out before the incident. You never gave me an answer. The date.” He looks away.
“Of course I would have said yes. I was … ” She clears her throat. “It was just unexpected. I was going to message you later and tell you yes. Honest.”
Ryuk’s eyes fill with joy. “Tamana, you know everything about me, even my family’s dark past, and I know everything about you, all of it. There isn’t another person, in the real world or in the Proxima Galaxy who is a better fit for me.”
Her eyes soften. “You think so?”
“I do, I really do, and I’ve never been able to say it and damn me for finally having the guts to tell you now. I’m here for you, forever, and I will be here in Tritania forever when my RW avatar moves on.”
She takes Ryuk’s hand and brings it to her chest, just above her heart. “If you can accept me for who I’ve become, if you can truly accept me, then I support any decision you make. Just, please, don’t do anything hasty; don’t be careless with your life. Try to live as long as you can; be a positive influence on the world up there and we can grow what we already have here.”
“Oh, fick me to tears – what is this, the Junior Prom?” Hiccup stands at the exit of their room with an empty tray of dragon wings in his greasy, sauce besmeared goblin beaters. “You two are just about the most pathetic virgins I’ve ever come across.”
Ryuk whips his hand away from Tamana’s chest.
“Ha! You finally get your chance to cop a feel and you let your old Uncle Goblin stop you? Pfft! Grab on, my friend, grab on.” Hiccup deposits the tray on the check-in desk. “And you,” he tells Jim, who now stands behind the desk. “What kind of perv gets his jollies watching some icky-sweet display of puppy love? Talk about a voyeuristic ficker.”
With the speed of a striking cobra, Jim grabs the mouthy goblin by an oversized ear and bangs his
head on the tray. “Yoy!”
Jim’s eyes narrow on him. “I endeavor to be a gracious and tolerant host. If you wish to continue to enjoy the hospitality of this establishment, I suggest you show me some courtesy and respect.”
He bangs Hiccup’s head against the tray one last time for emphasis.
“Yoy! Yoy! Yoy! Easy there, Jimmie boy! Sorry, I was just fickin’ with you,” exclaims the slightly chastened goblin. “It’s the store brand healing potions I tells ya. They always leave me in a bad mood. But that’s not what’s important. Look, Jim, we got big plans tonight, and while these two are hand-holding and doing the mooncalf eyes thing out here, Lizzy and Twixy are in our room tickling and cuddling in a way that makes my tum-tum do nip-ups. Fick it. I guess everyone has their own way to unwind. What I’m trying to say is … ” Hiccup’s eyes suddenly lose focus, and for two heartbeats he’s silent. “Where was I?” he asks, as he shakes it off.
“You were talking about your guildmates’ relaxational pursuits.”
“That’s right! Damn Goblinheimer’s. It’s early onset, and I got a good fifty to a hundred more years in me before I’m being spoonfed and having my starfish wiped by a hot elf nurse. Anyfickin’hoo, as I was saying, the two in there already know which hole the ding-dong goes, these two, not so much. Sad!”
“Is that what you came to tell me?” Jim asks.
“No, I came to tell ... erm, to ask you to fry me up another round of dragon wings and make’em spicier this time, as I’d like it to burn on both ends.” The goblin turns to Ryuk. “And I came to tell you two to quit fickin’ around and get your asses in here so we can figure out the best way to not die tonight.”
The goblin punctuates his exit with a basso-profundo trouser shout, and an almost palpable stench wafts into the air. Tamana pinches her nose and now it’s Ryuk’s turn to laugh. “You get used to it,” he assures her.
Jim produces a cut crystal bottle with a custom-crafted spray top and delicately spritzes the air with industrial strength pine scent.
(0)__(x)
Back in their room, Ryuk paces back and forth and tries to recall the layout of the Shinigami’s guild quarters. The goblin sits on the bed, finger up his nose as he desultorily mines a nostril. Across from him are FeeTwix and Zaena, and Tamana occupies a low footstool.
“After the ass-whooping you gave those fickboys last night, they are going to be tooled the fick up and waiting for trouble.”
“Hiccup’s right,” says Zaena. “We surprised them last night with stealth and subtlety; tonight, we’ll have to blast our way in.”
“Really? And you’re okay with the use of non-traditional weapons?” FeeTwix rubs his hands together.
“They worked quite well against the zombies,” she admits.
FeeTwix suggests, “Let’s go in through the sewers – there are sewers in this world, right?”
Ryuk shakes his head. “In this world, yes, there are sewers beneath the Giants’ city of Wartlinga on the continent of Polynya. But here in Aramis beneath the guild district, I’m going to go with no.”
Tamana snaps her fingers. “I’ve got an idea!”
The four Mitherfickers turn to her.
“Here’s what we do, and don’t laugh at the idea before I can finish explaining it,” she scolds the goblin. “We come in as guild sanitation workers. They open their gates and we hit them, plain and simple. Remember, they’re not really expecting us to hit them twice in a row; they’re expecting us to run and hide.”
“Do you think they’ll buy it?” FeeTwix asks.
“Of course they’ll buy it,” Hiccup says on the tail end of a burp. “That’s the thing about looking official – you can get away with some real fickery. Hell, with the right clothes, anyone can get away with anything. That’s the same in your world, right?”
Ryuk considers Japan’s parliament members. “Yes, it’s roughly the same.”
“Well, fick me then, that’s the plan! I’ll get us some sanitation outfits. Let me see … ” He hops to his feet, grimaces at a pain in his lower back. “Fick, this is a good idea.” He claps his hands together as he makes his way to the door. “I’m glad I had it!”
Tamana raises her finger to say something but Ryuk gives her a look that says it’s not worth it.
Zaena looks to Ryuk. “I like this idea, but I think that if we all come in weapons waving and guns a-blazing, it’ll be too easy to pick us off. Better to diversify our attack and not all come in from the front. Here’s what I think: Ryuk and I can provide fire support from the top of the wall. We can set up just before you two and the goblin arrive,” she tells FeeTwix and Tamana.
“Jim, make those dragon wings to go!” Ryuk hears Hiccup call from outside their door.
“Fire support? Are you going toss swords or something?”
“No, dear.” She pats FeeTwix’s cheek. “If you didn’t know, and clearly you don’t, I’m quite proficient with a bow, as are many of the Assassin class. I can use two bows with ghost limbs, and though I’m not quite as good as I am with the swords, I think you’ll find my skills more than adequate.”
“This will work,” Ryuk takes Hiccup’s seat on the bed, but only after inspecting it for skid marks, teeny-weeny livestock, or any other little gob-souvenir Uncle Hiccup may have left behind.
He places his five magazines on the bed and empties them as Zaena continues to plan. For fire support, he decides that the clear marbles won’t be of much use, and if he has to he can shoot those with his slingshot. He quickly does the math and goes with four magazines loaded with alternating molten and black marbles and one loaded exclusively with knife marbles.
Zaena continues to elaborate on the plan. “We’ll take out whatever is outside first.”
“What about the mages?” Ryuk asks.
She scrunches up her nose as she considers this. “I really don’t know; we really got lucky last time.”
“They won’t come into the courtyard,” says Tamana.
“What makes you think that?” Ryuk asks.
“A hunch. Even if they are out looking for us, they’ll want to protect that energy source they have in the cellar, and my guess is that they’ve moved it inside, down to the basement where it’s easier to protect.”
FeeTwix equips two Glock 19 Gen 4s and puts them in holsters that form under his arms. An ankle holster takes shape on his leg and he secures a Colt .380 Mustang Light in it.
Zaena smirks, “That little one is kind of cute.”
“That’s my last resort,” he tells her. “Back to the plan: you two provide suppressing fire while we mop up the fuckers at ground level. Then we move inside. My fans have already sent me a schematic of the inside of the guild, which I’ll forward to you all. There’s a grand entrance and plenty of space, but the other part of the building is a single upstairs room, a kitchen area, and a basement, all connected by a single flight of stairs. Hold up.”
FeeTwix’s eyes flash black as his mirror appears in his hand. He gives his audience a dashing smile. “Hey everyone! Just a reminder to not touch that dial while my feed is off-line! Keep playing and streaming to earn bonus points – and remember, one lucky winner will receive a three-year TwitchTube Red subscription, absolutely free of charge – plus a ton of other cool schwag personally autographed by me! No purchase necessary, winner will be selected by random drawing. And as if that wasn’t enough – Wendy’s Hut is having a world-wide special promotion starting tomorrow. Mention #FeeTwixRox at the checkout to get half off a Triple Bacon Chili Pepper Jack Burger Light with any personal-sized pizza purchase. The Triple Bacon Chili Pepper Jack Burger Light features Wendy’s Hut’s proprietary genetically modified meat and cheese to give you all that tasty goodness at a quarter of the calories of the regular Triple Bacon Chili Pepper Jack Burger. Love you guys and stay tuned, the Mitherfickers are getting live tonight! ”
Zaena tilts her head and wrinkles her forehead. “Wait, is it triple bacon on a burger or triple burger with bacon?”
Fee
Twix’s eyes turn blue again. “No idea, honey. Just doing my job.”
Chapter 28: Aramis Solid Waste Management and Abatement Service
Dark clouds pass in front of a yellow moon; a breeze draws a meditative melody from a single wind chime on the balcony of a two-story guildhall. A dog barks somewhere in the distance, the clip-clop of a horse and carriage echoes down the street.
Ryuk and Zaena are clad in the leather tunic and thick-soled, knee high boots of the Aramis Solid Waste Management and Abatement Service. Zaena stops, examines the rooftops, and waits for the breeze to subside. Ryuk is also on high-alert: his Extreme Focus skill narrows his pane of vision and Magic Eye adds soft hues to everything he focuses on.
The Thulean assassin stops in front of a two-story guildhall whose property abuts the alley behind the Shinigami. It’s separated from the street by a small iron fence, which squeaks as she uses her ghost limb to open it. After a sidelong glance at Ryuk, she enters and he follows behind her. The two walk down a pathway of large trapezoidal stepping stones that is bordered with tall cylindrical shrubs.
At the front door, Zaena smooths the front of her borrowed uniform and knocks with her ghost limb.
An old man’s voice rings out, “Who is it?”
“Aramis Solid Waste Management and Abatement Service,” Ryuk says. He clears his throat and tries again, in a deeper, more confident voice. “Aramis Solid Waste Management and Abatement Service.”
“Solid Waste Management and Abatement Service?”
With a rattle of chains and clicking of deadbolts, the door swings inward to reveal an older PC. He sports the de rigueur cleric look – long robes of an indeterminate color, flowing white beard, bushy eyebrows and a pointy wizard’s hat, complete with stars and moons and hex symbols. His stats appear above his head as he peers at the two, his untrimmed brows rise toward the brim of his hat.
Dark Healer Level 17
HP: 431/431
MANA: 342/342
ATK: 29
MATK: 146
Fantasy Online_Hyperborea Page 30
