by Joshua Guess
Apparently, our running guard didn't think about what they were risking their lives for. Either that, or they saw the risks worth it so others could suffer less. Which, again, amazes me to no end.
All said and done, we managed it. No loss of life and no injuries to speak of, and mission accomplished. I wish I could go back in time and make more of an effort to thank and show love to all the soldiers we lost during The Fall, but I can't. Instead I'll say once more: thank you, to each of you who died and to each of you who lived. Thanks to every one of you regardless of who you are. Thank you for all you've given so the rest of us could live happier and safer lives.
I salute you.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Crippler
Posted by Josh Guess
Overnight, a dozen people fell ill. Four others got up and walked away from the clinic as if they'd never been sick. Two died.
We're facing an uphill battle against an enemy we can't fight. I know I've said that before, and recently, but as I helped prepare those bodies for their funeral this morning, the cold truth of it hit my right in the gut. One of the dead was a kid. Nineteen, but to me that's a kid though I'm only a decade older. He was a handsome boy, dark hair falling around his face, a complexion that hinted at Spanish or maybe Italian heritage not far in his family's past. There were scars, too, and I saw them all when we cleaned him and dressed him for the pyre.
Not even twenty, but a veteran of many battles in what seems to be a constant state of war. A thin line on his jaw that Evans tells me was from a knife wound at the hands of a marauder from before we even called them that. Justin was his name. He was one of the first to come here. I barely knew him, to be honest.
There are a lot of things I could be writing about at the moment, important stuff. But again, as I've said recently, I find myself less interested in the outside world right now. Yeah, the Exiles are hurting so bad from the plague that they've given up manning their guard stations and have withdrawn into the fallback point itself. And the New Breed have been bashing themselves against our walls off and on for most of the night and morning, I guess pissed that we got our mission done the other day without becoming dinner. They're losing some of their self-control, which just has to be seriously vital.
I get that. I do. And we'll look into it. I'm just having a hard time focusing right now. On pretty much anything.
See, Jess is one of the people who got sick.
I'm not. Yet, anyway. Jess isn't as bad as some people who come down with symptoms. It seems to vary a lot from person to person, and right now she's still able to function. Her breathing is more shallow than normal, there are noises in it that aren't usually there, but she can walk and talk and work, if not as much or as fast.
I feel strange about it. That first flash of fear and pain, then just a sweeping cold feeling. I think I should be reacting more. Maybe it's shock. I hope so.
God, I'm scared. I love her more than anything. That sounds so hackneyed and trite, but it's true. It's overwhelming, I guess. The worry is hitting me, but it's not putting me in tears of keeping me from something close to normal function. It's surreal. I recognize the fear but it's almost analytical.
I think something in my brain is trying really hard to process this without burning out.
Also, it's pretty obvious now what a huge hypocrite I am. I spend all this time talking about the community, the greater good, and how terrible all this is for everyone, but I lose my shit when it's my wife. And the fucked up part is that I really am worried for all of us, but the thought of moving forward without Jess is...almost inconceivable. Can't make a picture in my imagination of that world. I know on an intellectual level that it could exist and that I could survive in it.
But without her, I don't know that I can call it living.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Sleepless
Posted by Josh Guess
I've had about two hours of rest. Not really sleep as most people think of it, just a short span of time where I didn't do anything at all. I just lay there next to Jess, listening to her breathe and praying to whatever gods might be listening that the sounds didn't get worse.
Yesterday morning, Will asked me to come over to the expansion for some work. The new office space he's using there is finished. The council meets there when needed, and the people Dave and I trained to run New Haven all those months ago work in an adjacent shipping container outfitted with desks and whatnot. There's even a nice little nook set aside for me, apparently.
I told him no. Will didn't take that with much grace.
I told him that if he wanted me to work on any of the weird little projects and things he usually wants me to take a look at, I could do that from home. Then I said that if he wanted me to do something really important--and let's face it, most of the stuff I work on are things other people could be doing if they worked at it--then some of the sick people could come to my house. Jess isn't bedbound yet, is still overseeing a lot of work, but mostly she's staying close to the house and letting healthy people do the labor part. She's acting as a hands-off manager for all the people and programs she manages. The sickness came over her quickly, and our fear is that it's going to worsen that way as well.
If she does get worse, I'm going to be here to care for her. I can handle a lot of people at once thanks to my experience as a nurse's aide, so if Will and the council want me to do something important, they can send me folks to take care of. Because I'm not going anywhere.
Of course he gave me the big speech about how the Exiles might not be a threat at present but the zombies outside would hit us at the first sign of weakness. He pointed out that my duty is to the community, a view I've expressed many times, and fiercely at that.
We argued. In the end, I got my way. Partially because I can best serve the community by caring for those who can't care for themselves. Should the undead breach the walls and move across New Haven's streets as they did a few years ago, my house is a very safe place. The sick people who come here will be very well defended by the modifications I've built. More, they'll have me. A man who wants to protect the person he loves most in the world. Toward that purpose, there's nothing I wouldn't do.
And beside all that? I'm due some selfishness if I want it.
New Haven started out as 'the compound'. Before that it was just my neighborhood. Jess and I were the ones to call for people to come here. We organized the survivors that joined us, taught them skills and learned some in return. New Haven as it is today simply would not exist if we hadn't thrown caution to the wind and invited anyone and everyone to join us. No, it wasn't pure altruism that drove our actions, we knew there was strength in numbers, but the ugly truth remains that if we hadn't done it most of our fellow citizens would have long since been fodder for one zombie swarm or another.
This is our home, and we've shared it without hesitation. Even now Jess works to ensure the continued growth of our food crops, though we have more than enough to be going on with. She struggles to make sure our armorers, who she personally taught their craft, are keeping up with the need for protective gear. She's sick and tired and hurting, yet she still soldiers on. For the greater good. For all of us.
So I'll be damned if anyone is going to tell me I can't be here for her. I'll do what I can to support the group within reason, but I'll be at home making sure she's got hot food ready and whatever other comforts I can think of at every turn. I'm not going to be bullied or strong-armed into leaving her side, especially when doing so would have virtually no benefit. I can do whatever work from this desk, I've done it that way often enough. I can care for Jess and accomplish what Will wants me to do as well. What I will not do is let anyone take me away from my wife, who is sick with a potentially deadly illness, for the sake of making the people in command look good.
I don't want to defy them. Not the council and not Will. He's my friend and most of the people backing him are as well. But they'll have to bring men with weapons who are willing to take casual
ties if they want to pry me out of this house for any reason other than a major crisis. That might sound a bit extreme. It is. One lesson we learned from the dangerously overconfident council that led this place while the team and I were on walkabout a few months back is that authority must be challenged if it's corrupt. That's how Will was elected leader in the first place. The other lesson was to be strong and consistent when you're in charge, which is what Will was trying to do in making me 'come into the office', as it were. He was making a point that everyone is hurting, everyone is in danger, and that doesn't change the responsibilities we have to meet.
I agree. I'm just not going to risk Jess getting sicker with no one here to help her because Will wants me to show solidarity by changing my location. I support him and the rest of the leadership to the hilt.
I'm just showing that support from here. I'm sure most of you can understand that. Rant over. Sorry I kind of went nuts there, but this is a big deal to me. I'm a grown man who knows his duty, and if I can do it in a way that works for everyone, I won't be pushed by politics. I won't risk leaving her side if she may need me. No matter what else happens.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Reality Check
Posted by Josh Guess
There was a short but passionate debate on my last post. One person thought I went too far, the other thought I was totally in the right. Look, we live in a fucked-up, dangerous world. If you need any better proof that I believe deep in my heart that working together is the best way to outwit and outfight the zombie swarms, just remember where I live.
I said it in that post, and I'm saying it again: Jess and I started this place. What I said in that post about refusing to leave my home wasn't a play for pity or attention. I really meant it. To get me away from my wife, whose strength is slowly beginning to ebb away, they'll need to be super serious about it. Physical violence is the only way I'm leaving her side. I can (and am, because Will realized how serious I am) working from home. Doing double or triple duty, at that, as I'm working on some project logistics, caring for several ill people that were moved in yesterday, and helping Jess manage the food and armor situations.
What the argument boils down to is: how is this different than the Exiles (the ones that used to be citizens here, not the marauders they joined up with) who chose to do their own thing despite the larger needs of New Haven? How can I justify my actions knowing that precisely because I have some influence, others may choose to follow my example?
Don't think I haven't considered it. But my reaction, while angry and probably upsetting to many of you, is what it is. I've given more to this place than any of you know, put up with hardships and put forth efforts that I don't always cover on the blog. Beyond survival, I've tried to do things here that gave people something resembling a real life. Jess has done as much if not more.
Realistically, yeah, things could get very bad if a huge number of people suddenly decided to stay home with their loved ones or roomates. Funny thing is, most people choose not to do that. Most citizens here have some medical training to one degree or another, but not much in the way of experience or education in providing long-term care. It takes a sort of acquired patience. I know many folks who have sick relatives or friends who stop by our new clinic and the old to visit their chums before going out for duty on the wall or to tend our crops. They understand that New Haven needs to appear strong in front of the increasingly numerous zombies outside.
Fact is, they don't want to stay back and care for people. Their viewpoint is that people better trained and suited for the work can do it more efficiently. And they're right.
The crux of my argument wasn't that I would forsake my work for Jess, but that I could do the same job (in fact, more, since I have four other sick people living in my house at the moment, saving that effort from our regular medical staff) from home. Will and the council don't actually care if I come work in the space they set aside for me. I don't think they even really need me to work on most of the stuff Will has assigned to me. It's piddly stuff that isn't really vital.
No, they want me out and about because I'm well-known. Because despite not having an official leadership position, people still follow my lead. Right now things are tough. We've seen tougher, but this sickness thing has the Exiles so bad off they aren't even working their crops. As a threat, they're nullified at the moment. We could be heading that way soon, and there are a lot more zombies on this side of the river. People are scared, and Will wants the leadership to appear strong and in control. That's totally reasonable. Good leaders go about business as normally as possible in a crisis, because it shows people that calm can be maintained in bad situations.
Again, I'm not playing the game. I have no real authority here, despite founding New Haven. I'm fine with that, of course--I don't want to risk letting power get to my head again. But because I'm no higher on the totem pole than any guard on the wall or chef in the mess halls, I don't feel bad about making my stance clear: I won't be forced to leave my wife so I can be paraded around for morale. You want me out there, you'll need to make a serious issue of it.
One small caveat, however: if things start to get really bad, of course I'll help. I'll do whatever needs doing to ensure Jessica's safety. If we have too few people to defend the walls for whatever reason (even if it's because people start wanting to stay home with loved ones after all, though I am not seeing that happen with anyone but me) I'll go out and patrol myself. I won't let the safety of this place be compromised, and the suggestion that I wouldn't care frankly pisses me off.
I'm doing what I'm doing precisely because it's safe and doesn't affect my ability to get work done. I'm not advocating skiving off work or refusing duties, just saying that my own aren't affected by where I am.
Oh, that's just rich. I had to say something about fighting, didn't I? All that up there about why I can't leave, and the attack bell just went off. At least a hundred of them are about to hit us. Funny.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Hectic
Posted by Josh Guess
Yesterday was a false alarm. Well, not a false one, the bells were set off on purpose. Will wanted to test our responsiveness to danger given our weakened state. We did fine, and he gave me the shittiest grin when he saw me on the wall with my bow. I almost think he did it just to prove he could get me out of my house if he wanted to, the clever bastard. I gave him a wink before I went home. He's still my friend.
Things are working out rather well, all things considered. We had a bad rush of victims of the new plague yesterday, another ten sick. We're still getting weirdly varied results, though. Some of the ill wake up feeling perfectly fine. This morning one of my own patients sleeping in my living room got up and felt wonderful. He'd only been sick for a few days.
And seven of those ten people aren't bad off enough to stop work. They feel like crap, their breath isn't coming as easily, but much like Jess they can work. Some more than others, but still doing something constructive with their time. More important, they're not using up the efforts of the medical staff.
This does create a special problem, however. As sick people get suddenly better, healthy people get either somewhat ill or totally incapable of caring for themselves, the schedule has to change. Some folks that do heavy labor come down with the new plague and can't manage tending crops or hauling firewood, but maybe they can work on armor or something else that doesn't require tons of effort.
What it boils down to is a hugely chaotic situation in which the different section managers of New Haven get reports each morning from all over the place with new listings for sick, healthy, and people in between. It's becoming a total clusterfuck to manage, because it takes so much effort to work out who can go where, to substitute this person here but then figuring out where the original person needs to be assigned...
Yep, guess who got the job of making all that work?
It's not that bad for me, because I don't have to worry about any other paperwork-type things while I'm
doing it. I haven't got a section of New Haven to run, no department to head. All I have to do is take reports from all over the place and do the math. Difficult, but much easier than what my former trainees were facing by doing this and their normal jobs. The fact that my house is a more convenient point of convergence than the new, um, city hall or whatever you want to call it, helps. People running in and out all morning makes it a little hard to keep track of what I'm doing, but I manage.
The folks staying here with Jess and I aren't all that needy just yet. I help them with whatever they need, though mostly that's cooking for them and helping them use the bathroom. I don't have to do much in-depth work with any of them yet since they're still alert and capable of feeding themselves. A couple of them have even offered to help me with the schedule changes, which is endearing and funny. That kind of willingness to help also says a hell of a lot about the character of your average New Haven citizen. I gave them hugs and told them to shut up and get some rest, but I smiled when I said it.
