by Kris Radish
Something is going on all around her. Emma can feel it as if her hand is hovering above a hot stove. Erika cannot seem to stop trying to get someone on the phone. Marty and Robert are slinking around as if they’ve just run over someone’s pet cat. Uncle Mikey keeps going on about the final item on the auction list that will be a record breaker and apparently a newsmaker. Now Janet is talking in code about some kind of business with Susie Dell and it looks as if someone else is taking over the far corner of the park, because a catering service is busy setting up tables and right in the middle of their little extravaganza it looks as if there is a champagne fountain.
Suddenly Emma feels as if she’s been waiting her whole life for something that is never going to happen. And for the first time in a very long time she blames no one but herself for that feeling. She puts her coffee cup down on the grass between her legs and scans the crowd as if she is looking for a spy.
“Why do I always feel as if I am the last to know every single thing in the whole world?” she asks Janet.
“What do you mean?” Janet sounds a bit startled.
“You and Susie Dell, and my mother, and her horde of lovers, and Stephie’s home life. Have I really been unconscious most of my life?”
“Oh hell, honey,” Janet fires back. “We all feel that way. Get over it, for crying out loud. People are entitled to have their secrets.”
“Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one watching the parade.”
“Honey, have you been sniffing the penis holder?”
“I wish.”
“That’s your problem, Emma. Stop wishing. Start doing.”
“Well, just slap me,” Emma says, a little stunned, but not shocked, because lately everyone keeps telling her the same thing.
Janet looks away suddenly because she realizes that Susie Dell is now snorting on purpose to get Uncle Mikey’s attention.
“Look at her,” Janet says, barking out a laugh. “She is hilarious. Has she no pride?”
“Forget her, Janet, she’s suddenly in love.”
“She thinks you are terrific, by the way,” Janet shares. “She also thinks you should quit working for me and start a gardening business.”
This is the end of their conversation because suddenly there is only a pile of antique coloring books, a case of expired beer, and three pairs of ratty tennis shoes to auction off and the entire crowd has raced to the bathroom, run back and filled up their glasses or popped open a new beer. Everyone is eagerly poised for the grand finale and long-awaited last auction item. The tension in the air could open a beer by itself.
Susie Dell pulls herself away from her ring-finger-viewing location long enough to grab not just three, but six beers, and brings them back to the chairs where she sits and looks as if she is an eight-year-old girl waiting for the clowns in a parade to throw candy in her direction.
Emma pops open her first beer. She looks at Susie Dell and Janet as if she has never seen them before. And then Marty walks onto the stage dressed in an absolutely stunning bone-colored two-piece linen pants suit. Robert follows her. He’s dressed in an almost-identical-colored linen suit that appears to be made out of the exact same material as Marty’s.
“Jesus,” Emma manages to say as Janet reaches over to hastily steady the beer that is about to topple out of her hands. “What in the holy hell is going on?”
“Listen,” Susie Dell says as Janet reaches over to anchor her beer as well.
Uncle Mikey suddenly whips off the large black cape-like jacket he has been wearing all afternoon to expose a tuxedo.
A tuxedo.
Susie Dell swoons, which is almost as loud as a snort, and Uncle Mikey winks at her.
Emma stands up.
Susie Dell stands up.
Janet keeps a hand on each one of their elbows.
“Please pay attention,” Uncle Mikey admonishes. “We are about to have the final auction item, followed up by an event that will go down in Gilford family history as one of the most remarkable days, events and experiences we have ever witnessed and participated in during one of these already fun-filled events. You are about to attend the marriage of Marty Gilford and Robert Dell and some of you are going to be lucky enough to be in the wedding party,” and here Uncle Mikey hesitates like the fine auctioneer that he is, “that is, if your bid is high enough …”
Marty and Robert Dell are auctioning off positions in the wedding party.
Marty and Robert Dell are auctioning off post-wedding toast positions.
Marty and Robert Dell are auctioning off the right to escort them to the lovely, but semi-informal, reception that will be held immediately following their wedding.
Marty and Robert Dell are auctioning off the right to drive them to their honeymoon hotel.
Emma turns to Susie Dell at the exact same moment that Susie Dell turns to her and they both drop their beer and whisper, “Our parents are marrying each other right now!” as the bidding for becoming part of the wedding begins.
And three seconds after that, the town gossip’s hat blows off and lands in the beer cooler as she runs to get a closer look at the bridal couple; the car carrying the local newspaper reporter and photographer who were obviously tipped off by someone about the nuptials screeches to a halt next to the pavilion; and Joy finally falls off the table she has been sitting on for the past five hours.
Then Emma walks over to sniff the penis holder lest she add one more regret to a list she is considering auctioning off at next year’s reunion.
27
THE TWENTY-SEVENTH QUESTION:
Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?
SOMEONE STANDING NEXT TO EMMA throws a not-so-soft punch into her left ribs to waken her from her coma-like trance. As she looks up, she sees a lovely woman decked out in her ministerial collar that extends out of a flowing black robe standing in front of her mother and Robert—who apparently is about to become her stepfather—and asking, “Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?”
Marty has her hands extended so that her fingertips are touching Robert’s fingertips. That arm’s length may as well be non-existent because Marty is looking at Robert in a way that says everything.
It says “yes” not in a sweet, lovely way but in a screaming “Are you out of your mind, of course I take this man, look at him” way.
It says I am so happy that I could be glowing in the dark and will be for real once the reception begins.
It says Right this moment we are the only two people on the face of the earth.
It says I have added a good ten years to my life by falling in love with this man.
It says I have waited a very long time for this moment.
And finally it says We fooled them all.
We fooled our children and our friends and all the people we know who might have tried to talk us out of this moment.
Emma takes a quick look to her right to see who has been poking her and there is Susie Dell, her almost-new stepsister, now looking as if she is the one in the trance. Next to her is Debra, then Erika, then some woman Emma has never seen before in her entire life, a man wearing two baseball hats and holding a plastic bag, and three little girls who are clutching makeshift bouquets of leafy tree branches.
While Marty looks as if she is desperately trying not to throw Robert on the ground and kiss him everywhere, Emma sees the remainder of the makeshift auction wedding party. It’s brothers-in-law Rick, Kevin and Jeff and then the nephews Bo and Riley, a stunned but happy-looking Tyler, and next to him is the woman who bought the penis holder who is apparently having a banner day, the town gossip who is sobbing into a towel, and then the most absolutely adorable grandmother, ninety if she is a day, who cannot stop saying so everyone can hear her, “I’ve always wanted to be a bridesmaid.”
Susie Dell leans in and says, “I hope to hell someone is getting this on film because it could sell for a fortune at next year’s auction.”
Emma turns to her and wonders how
in the world she even got up and walked under the pavilion eaves so she could be in the wedding party. She was only two sips into her beer when the wedding auction started and then the world became a bit blurry.
It was Erika, she quickly remembers, who ran from the bathroom when she heard what was happening and immediately told her siblings and Susie Dell that they absolutely had to be in the wedding party.
“We’ll pool our money,” she said breathlessly. “I think they take checks. We have to do this. We have to.”
“Calm down,” Susie Dell said before she fell apart herself, gently putting her hand on Erika’s arm. “Let’s do it. We’ll bid on spots and then cover each other if someone doesn’t have enough money.”
Susie Dell looked up, keenly surveyed the area to see how many of Marty’s offspring were close by, beckoned them with her auction-waving hand, and this is when Emma realized that she was a bit weak in the knees.
Meanwhile Janet was grabbing all the grandkids.
In the end the Gilford-Dell clan pooled every cent they had on them and won spots in the bridal party for fifteen hundred dollars, which immediately set a new auction record. The other bridal attendants, who really wanted to be in the wedding, kicked in a combined five hundred dollars. And within thirty-three minutes the wedding of Martha Grace Olsson Gilford and Robert Haymond Dell was ready to blast off.
Sadly, at the last minute Joy was not able to be in the bridal party. She had rolled under the picnic table that she had fallen off of and was sleeping like a baby.
Granddaughters Stephie, Kendall and Chloe also pooled their resources and coughed up a hundred of their own hard-earned dollars so they could be the chauffeurs, and just as the champagne and cake caterers nodded that they were ready, and Uncle Mikey stepped back, the minister took over.
Emma would always remember the wedding, what happened before it and after it, as a kind of lovely ringing in her ears. None of her sisters seemed to think that what was happening was wrong. It might be different, yes, but wrong, no. It might be so nontraditional as to not even be considered legal, which it totally was, but it was still lovely. It made the fanfare and expense of every other wedding they had ever attended, or been a part of, seem embarrassing. The kids were having an absolute blast and were thrilled to be a part of Grandma’s wedding and Susie Dell was so seriously excited to be getting brothers and sisters that she could not stop kissing everyone and asked if she could have Thanksgiving dinner at her house.
Thanksgiving dinner not at Marty’s?
This first question flushes through Emma as if she is prepping for a surgical procedure. In the last sixty minutes just about everything that could be called a preexisting condition has changed.
The number of her fathers.
The number of her sisters.
The number of her unmarried mothers.
The number of her assumptions about what her mother’s life must be like.
And, of course, the location of Thanksgiving dinner, not to mention next week’s Sunday brunch. Where in the hell would that be located? What about Christmas? And holy everything—is Robert Dell moving in with Marty?
The questions and answers are paused as Emma refocuses on the marriage vows just as her mother says “You bet I do” and the entire crowd that has swarmed around the pavilion and is standing on tables, beer kegs, boxes and each other’s shoulders seems to take a collective sigh that sounds like a very loud owl saying “Oh” into a sweet and soft wind.
When Emma looks sideways she sees that Susie Dell has now turned her whole attention to her father. Robert looks exactly like a gentle white knight and Emma wouldn’t be surprised if a horse suddenly galloped into the park, Robert tossed Marty over its back, and they rode off together into the South Carolina sunset. Susie Dell has kind of a half smile riding on her own lips and she is crying.
Emma moves closer to her so that their arms touch and she rolls her right shoulder so that Susie Dell knows she understands. When Susie Dell turns to look at her, Emma winks and then she cannot help it, and she starts to cry and then Susie Dell moves her shoulder the same way and they both smile and then turn their heads at the exact same moment.
It is the moment when Robert Dell says “I do” and then the minister pronounces them not man and wife but “a married couple” and then quickly adds that the bride will be keeping her name and the groom will be keeping his name.
“They’re hip,” Susie whispers.
“No kidding,” Emma whispers back, thinking she and Susie are acting like two grade-school girls.
And then the bridal couple is kissing and Robert drops Marty to his knee like he did the day Emma had to help them get up, but first he turns to Emma and says, “I’ve been practicing,” and then he dips her and they kiss again and then about four hundred Gilfords start clapping and whooping and whistling and they don’t stop until Robert invites them for champagne and cake and toasts on the far side of the park.
Then Robert Dell moves to embrace and kiss Susie Dell, saying, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, pumpkin, but I’ve been having the time of my life.”
“I can see that, Dad,” Susie Dell says, falling into her father’s arms. “You look absolutely stunning.”
“You’re not mad?”
“Oh, Daddy, no, are you kidding? I can’t remember the last time I had this much fun! And now look,” she sweeps her hand behind her as if she is moving it through water, “I’ve suddenly got this whole family, all those damn siblings I never had to fight and argue with before, and the best thing is that I’ll get to come back to the reunion next year, too.”
Marty goes to Emma first. She holds open her arms and doesn’t say a thing but then pulls back and wipes Emma’s tears with the long white silk scarf that she has wrapped around her shoulders.
“I’m not mad either, Mom,” Emma shares. “Just stunned, for crying out loud. Thank heavens no one around here has heart problems.”
“Actually, I hope this helps you get over your heart problem,” Marty states.
“Mother, what are you talking about?”
“That Samuel person maybe.” Marty leans in for a kiss. “But from the lovely smile on your face I can tell you may have some of the choosing figured out.”
And then Marty and Robert are off hugging and kissing Erika, Debra, the husbands and all the grandkids before they head towards the champagne-and-cake reception that is already swarming with relatives who know a good thing when they see it.
And still the surprises are not over.
While an assortment of cousins, uncles, aunts and what looks like a few dozen people who were having a picnic and decided to stay for the reception, sip champagne, a band is busy setting up under the pavilion. The reception, so it seems, is far from being over.
Maybe, Emma thinks as she fills up her glass for the third time, it’s because there is a microphone over there and the Gilfords, who are about as unassuming as armed guards in front of a bank, will be able to offer up more toasts and listen to each other through an amplified sound system.
Susie Dell breezes through the crowd and continues to count her blessings as she tries with utter success to hug and kiss each and every new member of her extended-by-marriage family.
And Ms. Dell doesn’t know about the microphone thing and about the way Gilfords will be toasting and roasting each other until the little park Boy Scout security guard tries in vain to get them to shut down the music and go home.
She doesn’t know about the unabashed way that Gilfords hug and kiss each other without asking for consent.
Poor Susie Dell may not have even heard about the Sunday family brunch and the Christmas Eve volunteer program that has them all serving dinner at the Charleston homeless shelter after they have, of course, purchased and cooked the dinner.
Susie Dell doesn’t know about the planned intervention and that soon she will be inside of an adorable tiny bus headed for the Miss Higgins pageant with a sign in her hand that says Stephie Rocks.
Love
ly Susie doesn’t know where her father is going to live the day after tomorrow and as Uncle Mikey grabs her by the waist, flings her over his shoulder and carries her onto the dance floor, she could really care less about anything but that.
Emma is happy. She is glowing almost as much as her mother. And just when she didn’t think she could love her sisters or mother any more, she feels as if she might burst.
As the night wears on, Emma has listened to everyone, including Al, and all her nieces, and a mess of people she has never seen before and will most likely never see again, toast the newlyweds. Emma has decided to have as much fun as possible before she has to wake up and figure out what happens next and whether or not Susie Dell is serious about the Thanksgiving dinner offer.
The band is an umm-pa-pa mess of old farts who are playing everything from Al Hirt hits to Tom Jones singles, even if the lead singer couldn’t carry a tune if it was the last bucket of drinkable water on the face of the earth. It’s not really the tone of the music but what the crowd seems to be able to do on the rolled-down piece of plastic that is being used as an improvised dance floor.
Actually, that’s one more thing the Gilfords are pretty darn good about. They can improvise as if they are on Broadway. They can have fun at funerals. They can throw down a piece of plastic and dance as if they have just been picked as the final couple in Dancing with the Stars. They can show up at a hot-dog-eating, beer-drinking family reunion and quickly turn it into the most fascinating and fabulous wedding reception ever recorded.
Not that Susie Dell even cares about that as she is being swept across the plastic upside down and sideways by that dashing Uncle Mikey, who apparently is single and has been taking dancing lessons since the last family wedding.
By ten p.m. Joy has been safely removed and is sleeping it off, hopefully for one of the last times, back at her house, and Stephie and her cousins have managed to turn Robert’s car into a beer-can-pulling, streamer-lined, badass wedding car.
