“It would be okay. He’s nice to me and Will. You seem really happy when he’s around,” Logan said.
“You’re right. I have started seeing Ray. And I like him very much. But no one is ever going to replace your dad to you,” Julia said, and immediately felt lighter when the words came out, instead of hiding their relationship from her children any longer.
“It’s probably good there’s a cop around, because stuff always seems to keep happening. But I’ll still take care of everybody.”
“Of course you will. You’re a brave boy,” Julia said.
Will leapt off the bed, not to be outdone, and dashed down the hallway, returning thirty seconds later brandishing his Captain America shield.
“I have two brave boys.”
Will darted around the room, battling imaginary enemies, while Julia sat down on the bed and Logan took a seat beside her.
“Your brother, he died when he was nine?” Logan asked.
“That’s right.”
“So he was about my age. Kids shouldn’t die.”
“No, they shouldn’t.”
Julia looked back at her oldest son, who struck a remarkable resemblance to her brother, and felt a bittersweet pain in her chest. Julia reached for Logan’s hand and recalled how, growing up, Ben had seemed more like an adult to her. But now an adult herself, and knowing the truth about his death, Julia knew Ben was just a little boy when he died, scared and running alone in the woods, using his smarts to escape when grown-ups failed to protect him. When the always-scrappy little boy, who fought for everything with all his might, thought he found a way home to his sister, he wound up hitching a ride with a seemingly Good Samaritan, who was really the Devil and took Ben’s life to hide his sins from coming to light.
“Are you all right?” Logan asked.
Julia let her guard down and let herself cry in front of her children, something she had never done before.
“I’m just feeling sad. I miss my brother. But I’m so lucky that I have you both. I know Ben would’ve loved you two very much.”
A knock sounded at the door as Helen, who was dressed in a prim, black jacket and long, black skirt, and with her hair wound up in a bun on top of her head, announced her arrival.
“Mr. Raymond is here,” Helen said, and then gave Julia’s outfit a once-over. “Your skirt is black, but your shirt is red. You wear red to a funeral?”
“It was Ben’s favorite color.”
Helen nodded at Julia as Navarro appeared behind her, no longer in his usual attire of jeans, short-sleeved T-shirts, and motorcycle boots. Instead, Navarro looked strikingly handsome to Julia in a black suit, a white shirt, and red tie.
“Everyone with the red. Hold on,” Helen said. “I’ll be right back.”
“How are you doing, Julia?” Navarro asked.
“It’s time to do this. I’m ready,” Julia answered.
“I hear you’re dating my mom,” Logan said.
Navarro shot Julia a look and then turned his attention fully to Logan.
“We need to make sure she feels okay today,” Logan answered.
“Absolutely,” Navarro said.
Julia swallowed hard and grabbed Logan and Will’s hands and headed to the front door, where Helen was waiting for them with a red scarf now tied around her neck.
“My mother would be appalled if she knew I wore red to a funeral. But for your brother, Miss Julia, I will make the sacrifice,” Helen said.
“How about I drive?” Navarro asked Julia. “Everyone can fit in my car. Funerals are never easy. Driving is one less thing you’ll have to worry about.”
Julia nodded her agreement, and she and Helen got the car seats from her SUV and put them in Navarro’s Tahoe. Logan, Will, and Helen fit into the backseat, and Julia sat in the passenger seat in the front, turning the charm bracelet, over and over, in her hand.
The cemetery was just five miles from Julia’s house, and when they arrived, a small crowd had already gathered. Julia wanted to keep the service intimate and was relieved when she saw the handful of familiar faces as they stood near the seats. Julia wanted the service to be held outside, instead of in the confines of a church, and had asked a Baptist source on her beat, Pastor Darren Johnson, to say a few words before Ben was finally laid to rest.
Julia spotted Russell first. He was walking next to Sarah, who was trying to navigate to a seat in the second row of chairs on her crutches. Julia then shook her head and smiled when she saw Tyce Jones sitting in the back row with a wall of gaudy red flowers he brought to pay respects to her brother, sitting next to his wheelchair.
Julia kept a tight hold of her boys’ hands as the three found their places in the front row. As soon as Julia sat down, she turned around to Sarah, Helen, and Navarro, who had found seats in the second row directly behind her.
“You all belong up here with us,” Julia said.
As her family and the people she loved most gathered around her, Julia looked on at the small casket that carried the bones of a boy who once ran down the boardwalk in front of her, constantly looking back over his shoulder to be sure Julia was still following behind him, her forever protector, who paid the ultimate price for the careless mistakes and cavalier dreams of their father.
But Julia didn’t want to blame Duke anymore. She wanted to be free, and she knew holding on to that anger over her father’s foolishness would chip away at her soul and the best parts of herself that Ben had created inside her.
As Pastor Johnson began speaking, Julia closed her eyes and remembered her brother’s words. They sounded so real in her head, she felt if she opened her eyes, Ben would be right in front of her, still and forever nine years old.
(“One day when I’m older, I’m going to be mayor of this town. And we’ll be able to go anywhere we want, whenever we feel like it. The bad stuff that we’re going through now, it’s going to be just like a dream when we look back on it. You’ll see. You and me, we’re going to make it out okay.”)
Julia opened her eyes and took in her little boys sitting beside her, sitting up proud and strong, and staring straight ahead at her brother’s casket. She felt a mixture of sorrow and joy, a lugubrious beauty of pain and hope, combined with an appreciation of all that she had and all that she had lost.
Navarro reached for her hand, and Julia squeezed his tightly, knowing she had a circle of people around her that would never let her break.
She looked up at the sky and thought about how life could be incredibly cruel. But if you were lucky enough, if you had people who would love you and never let go, then maybe that alone would be enough to take away the darkness that would undoubtedly come, and the love that you share in this life would somehow make everything all right.
Julia ached for her brother, but she was sure of one thing. No matter what happened, no matter the ugliness or another man’s greed, deceit, or sin, the good always had to win.
And it must triumph. Ben had taught her that.
Julia stood up as Ben’s casket was ready to be placed in the earth. With her family and loved ones all gathered around her, Julia knew that she had finally done one thing, a good thing, that was important.
She had brought Ben home.
Worth Killing For Page 31
