“I’ve never understood how anyone could commit suicide. It’s not something any of us likes to think about, is it? A girl I went to high school with killed herself. I didn’t know her very well, but I knew her well enough to see that she had emotional problems. I felt pity for her and the friends and family she left behind. Of course, in my work as a nurse, I’ve seen people who have attempted suicide, but I’ve seldom known the circumstances that drove them to such a desperate act. I’ve heard that the majority of people who attempt suicide contemplate it for a long time before they act. What happened to you today is nothing like those situations. First, you never would have gone through with it.”
I started to protest, but Alec held up her hand to stop me. “Second, you’ve been in some pretty desperate situations in your life, and you’ve never seriously considered it before. Most people probably would have in your place. We’ll never know what would have happened if Ryan hadn’t come along. If you had wanted to jump, you’d have done it in spite of him. All that matters is that you’re here now. We all have a difficult time ahead of us. Put what happened on hold for now. We don’t ever need to speak of it again.”
“I don’t deserve you,” I said quietly. “I’m so relieved. You’re right about what happened. I was on the edge of that rock, but I couldn’t move. It was like my feet were glued to the stone. I panicked when I heard that news report. I’ve heard about people doing crazy things when they get shocking news, but I never thought I’d be one of them. I can’t pretend it didn’t happen, but you can’t imagine how relieved I am that Ryan was there. No matter what happens with Johnny, I’m going to face it and go on. It’ll be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but I have you to get me through it.”
“I’ll keep your secret too, even from Adam, and I’ll be here for as long as it takes,” Alec said and pulled back onto the road.
I woke early the next morning but didn’t get up right away. My arm throbbed, and I ached all over. At least I’m still here, I thought. I went over the events of the previous day in my mind. It was hard to comprehend that it had only been twenty-four hours since I’d gone to the hospital blindly believing my troubles were almost over. One day later, the worst was about to happen.
I thought of my mother’s last days. I’d been old enough to understand that my mother was dying of cancer but knew little of what that meant. I understood exactly what was going to happen to Johnny. I prayed that the meds and coma would be enough to dull his pain while he slowly died of dehydration. I also hoped he wouldn’t linger. Paul still believed that getting the truth out to the public would make a difference, but I knew it was too late for Johnny. Anyone who had the power to save him would have already acted.
I dragged myself out of bed and slowly dressed. The important thing was to keep Johnny as comfortable as possible. How many times in my career had I said that to my patients and their families? “We’ll make them as comfortable as possible.” I was learning that those words didn’t give any comfort at all. When I was ready, I stood facing the door, knowing that once I walked through, there would be no going back. As I reached for the knob, a faint tapping came from the other side.
“Come in,” I said.
Alec came in wearing a baggy T-shirt and pajama shorts. “I wasn’t sure if you were up yet. I was awake all night and finally gave up. Did you sleep?”
“Yes, surprisingly, I did, even though I woke up early. I guess I was exhausted after all the upheaval yesterday. I’m sorry you didn’t sleep,” I said.
“That’s life, Grace. I’ll sleep later.”
I pulled my hair back in a clip. “That’s the right attitude. Now, it’s time to go face this.”
“I’ll throw on some jeans and meet you out front in thirty,” she said and shuffled off to get dressed.
I was in my usual spot by Johnny’s bed an hour later. Alec left to check on news about the legal paperwork and left me alone with him. The nurse had already been in to bathe and dress him. I was relieved to see that everyone was going on with business as usual. I sang to him for a while, gently stroking his soft head as we rocked. He lay peacefully in my arms, blissfully unaware of what was coming.
Alec peeked her head in the door twenty minutes later to tell me that Paul was waiting for me in the hallway. I reluctantly put Johnny into his crib. From the look on Paul’s face when I walked out, I knew the news wasn’t good.
“For once the court has managed to speed up the process, and the paperwork is ready,” Paul said, looking like he was fighting back the tears. “They’ll be sending it over soon. I estimate that they’ll take Johnny off life support sometime after noon today. I’m so sorry, Grace. I wish I could stop this. I failed you both. I was hoping the interview would make a difference.”
“Don’t apologize, Paul. It’s not your fault. If anything, I blame myself. I scared Jay off,” I said, fighting off my own tears. “Has anyone heard from that snake, by the way?”
“Not that I know of, and I told you not to blame yourself. The court already had Jay’s report and deposition. He probably wouldn’t have gone to the hearing either way,” Paul said.
I sighed. “I wish it were over. I’m going to sit with Johnny until lunchtime. I’d rather not be in the room when they come in to do the deed. After that, I’m staying with him until the end.”
“I have to be in court, but don’t hesitate to call if you need anything. I’ll check my phone on breaks and come back in the afternoon.”
“I promise to be. No more running away,” I said as he walked away.
Brad came up and followed me in as I turned to go back to Johnny. I watched silently while he gave Johnny a brief exam. “How long do you think it’ll take?” I asked.
“How long will what take?” Brad said without looking up.
“For him to die.”
Brad turned to face me. He looked tired. He dealt with illness and death on a regular basis, but Johnny’s case had taken a toll on him. He was in his early forties and of average height. He wasn’t strikingly handsome like Jay, but attractive. He had relaxed, easy manners and made people feel comfortable around him. That definitely wasn’t like Jay. Jay commanded attention when he walked into a room. Brad was just as happy if no one noticed him. I’d learned the hard way that I’d much rather know a man like Brad.
He fidgeted under my scrutiny and said, “You know I can’t give you a definite answer, but I don’t think it’ll take long. Probably less than two days. As you know, children become dehydrated much faster than adults do. For his sake and ours, I hope he goes quickly.”
“How am I supposed to sit here and watch this? I’m committed to staying with him, but I don’t think I’m strong enough. I’m scared, Brad.”
“You’re a nurse. You’ve seen patients die. I know this is different, but maybe you have to detach yourself from the situation and deal with it as a medical professional. Bring your years of training and experience into play,” he said and went back to examining Johnny.
“You make it sound simple. You want me to turn off my feelings, just like that?” I snapped my fingers.
Johnny flinched, and we eyed each other knowingly. Brad took off his gloves and said, “We’ve known each other for a long time. I remember the old you. You could choose to behave that way now.”
“I’m not that person anymore, and I won’t pretend to be.”
Brad shook his head. “What I’m saying is, it might help you get through this. You think of yourself as his mother, but he’s not your son. He’s just another patient we’re treating in our hospital.”
I got up and went to his side. As we looked down on Johnny, I said, “That may help you cope, but it’s too late for me. I understand what you’re trying to do, and I appreciate it, but I’ll always think of Johnny as my son. I know people don’t understand how I can feel this way about a child who’s been unconscious since I’ve known him, but I’ve had a connection to him since that first day. I can’t sever that now. I’m no different than any mother about to lose her child.�
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“I’m not trying to minimize your feelings for Johnny. I was hoping to find a way to soften the blow.”
“Nothing can do that now,” I said and took Johnny’s hand.
Brad nodded and took out his laptop to make some notes on Johnny’s chart. “I don’t know why I’m bothering to do this,” he said.
“How is he doing, Brad?” I asked. “Not that it matters, but are you surprised he hasn’t improved more in the last few days?”
“I am,” he said. “I was encouraged with his progress last week. I honestly thought he would have regained consciousness by now. He even has sleep cycles. If he had another week, I think he’d become fully conscious. Here, look,” he said and handed me his laptop.
I read through his notes and test results for several minutes before handing it back to him. “How did Jay get away with declaring him brain-dead? Didn’t you submit your findings to the court too?”
“Yes, but so much is still left up to interpretation in these cases. When there’s a doctor with Jay’s level of expertise involved, everyone naturally defers to him.”
“But your findings were exactly the opposite. Why didn’t the judge think that was suspicious? I don’t understand how this happened,” I said.
“I don’t even know if the judge looked at my report. It all happened so quickly. I think she’d made her decision by the time the hearing started.” Brad patted my shoulder and said, “I have other patients to see. I can’t forget them because of what’s going on. I’ll come back after I’ve finished my afternoon appointments.”
“Thanks for taking the time to talk this out with me. It doesn’t change anything, but it helped.” I gave him a weak smile.
Brad smiled back, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. He walked out, leaving me alone with Johnny again. His eyes were open, but he just stared vacantly at the ceiling. I waved my hand across his face.
“I told you it was time to wake up, Son. Be a good little boy and mind your mommy now. Your life depends on it,” I said and kissed his cheek.
Johnny didn’t respond but continued to stare. I sat down and took out my tablet to read. I read the same page three times but had no idea what it said. I started again, trying harder to focus on the words but got the same result. I gave up and tossed the tablet back into my bag. It was too early for lunch, so I decided to go for a walk. Since I’d be at the hospital for the foreseeable future, I knew I should take advantage of the fresh air and exercise while I could. It was warmer than it been the day before, and the sun was out. I hoped to draw strength from the warmth.
I wound aimlessly along the streets for an hour before finding a bench near the state capitol grounds. I watched as mothers cheerfully pushed their children in strollers or chased them on the lawn. Joggers and bikers passed by on the sidewalk, enjoying the spring weather. Bright white blossoms blazed on the dogwood trees. I would have relished the scene on any other day and hoped there would be a day when I could do the same in my future.
I stayed for another hour until deciding it was time to get back. I groaned as I stood. My hip was still stiff from its encounter with the boulder, so it took longer than usual to get back to the hospital. My stomach growled as I walked through the doors fifteen minutes later, and I realized I hadn’t eaten for hours. I went to the cafeteria, loaded my tray, and sat alone to eat.
I ate slowly, stalling as long as I could, still afraid to face what lay before me. I thought of Johnny and my promise to stay with him. Pushing my fears aside, I put my tray away and went to the elevator. The sound of excited voices floated in as the doors opened on Johnny’s floor. I’d expected a mournful silence, not cheerful celebration. I stepped out to find the same group from the day before, but they were laughing and patting one another on the backs. Alec spotted me and smothered me in a crushing hug.
I pushed her off and said, “What is this, Alec? Did the judge change her mind?”
“You’d know if you’d stop running off without telling us where you’re going. We’ve been looking all over for you.” She tried to hug me again.
I ducked out of the way. “I went for a walk and had some lunch. What’s happening?”
“Johnny’s awake, Grace! He’s awake!” she cried.
Adam came up beside her. “It’s true. Johnny’s regained consciousness. When Brad was removing his feeding tube, Johnny started following him with his eyes. He’s still in with him. We’ve had everyone out looking for you, again.”
Before Adam could say more, I pushed past him and ran to Johnny’s room. Brad was leaning over the crib, blocking my view. He turned when he heard me and said, “Grace! Where have you been?”
I ignored his question, transfixed on the scene behind him. Johnny was propped up on a pillow, watching us intently. I brushed by Brad and knelt at Johnny’s bedside. We stared at each other wide-eyed until I said, “Hello, Johnny,” in a broken whisper.
He made a soft gurgling sound and smiled at me with a crooked grin. It was too much. I laid my head on the rail and broke into sobs.
Brad let me cry it out and then helped me up.
“It’s true,” I said, never taking my eyes from Johnny. “How could this happen? We were just here three hours ago.”
Brad shrugged. “I told you he only needed a little more time. I guess three hours was enough. It’s the most astounding thing I’ve seen in all my years as a physician.”
“How is he? What’s his prognosis? Can I hold him?” I asked in a rush.
Brad chuckled. “I’ll answer the last, first. Of course, you can hold him. Move slowly. I’m not sure how he’ll react to you.”
I lifted Johnny and sat in the rocking chair with him cradled on my lap. He nestled against me and closed his eyes.
“Well, that answers that,” Brad said. “As for his prognosis, he has a long road ahead, but I’m hopeful. At least he’ll live to travel that road.” He paused, and I smiled at the emotion in his voice. “I think he’s able to swallow, but he has to learn how to eat. His heart and lung issues will be ongoing concerns. I’ve done some minor preliminary tests on his hearing and vision. They seem fine, but we’ll need to do in-depth testing. He was approximately six months old when he came here. His cognitive abilities may have regressed or stayed the same. It’ll be some time before we know if he’ll be able to speak or even understand speech. There’s no way to know yet if he’ll be able to walk.”
“He does understand us,” I said, still smiling. “I told him before I went out that he needed to wake up, and he did.”
The door opened, and Adam and Alec came in. “I couldn’t hold her back anymore,” Adam said.
“Like you weren’t dying to get in here too,” Alec said and knelt next to my chair. “This isn’t what I expected though.”
“He smiled at me,” I told her through quivering lips. “I think he’s sleeping now.”
I tenderly laid him in his crib and went into the hallway with the other three following behind. Brad asked if any of the nurses had time to sit with Johnny in case he woke up. They all answered yes at once.
“I think it would be better if one of you went in at a time,” he said. “We don’t want to overwhelm the poor little guy. There will be plenty of time for all of you to have a turn. Besides, don’t some of you have other patients?”
They groaned collectively and picked numbers to see who would go first. The winner did a victory dance and went to Johnny’s room.
“What happens now?” I asked. “Has anyone called Paul or Serena?”
“I called Paul a few minutes ago,” Adam said. “He’s making the necessary calls before he comes here. He said he’d tell Serena.”
“Is there any danger of him becoming comatose again?” Alec asked Brad.
“It’s unlikely, but in his case, I rule it out. He’s alert and responsive. I need to do an EEG and CT scan. I’ll schedule the tests as soon as I get authorization,” he said.
“What do you mean get authorization? He’s awake,” I said.
; “By law, I can’t treat him until the judge reverses her ruling. We can’t even give him anything to eat or drink until we straighten this out. Admin is scrambling to figure out how to deal with it. They’d better hurry.”
“This is ludicrous. You may not be able to do anything for him, but I can,” I said and stomped my foot. “I don’t work here anymore, so Kinsley can’t stop me. Do you think he can take a bottle of formula?”
“I don’t see why not,” Brad said, “but don’t tell anyone that came from me. You may not work here, but I still do.”
“I’ll pick up a few things for him at the store so you don’t have to leave. Back in a jiff,” Alec said and tore off down the hall.
16
I went to Johnny after Alec left. He was still sleeping. I was tempted to wake him up and wondered if that was how new mothers felt while their babies slept. I watched him sleep until Paul came in with Alec thirty minutes later. Johnny heard the commotion and woke up. He looked around frantically and then did something we’d never seen him do: he cried. It was the most beautiful sound I’d ever heard. Paul turned away, but not before I saw him wipe a tear off his cheek.
“That’s amazing,” Alec said, not trying to hide her tears.
I picked Johnny up and tried to soothe him, but he cried louder. “Quick, fix him a bottle,” I said to Alec. “He’s probably starving.”
While Alec prepared his bottle, I put him in the crib and changed his diaper. He quieted for a few seconds before starting to howl again. I picked him and walked around the room patting his back, but it didn’t help. Alec thrust the bottle at me, and I tried to get Johnny to take it. He tossed his head back and forth, refusing to allow the nipple into his mouth, and screamed louder.
Paul, who had been standing silently by the door, took Johnny and the bottle from me. He cradled Johnny in his arm and put a few drops of milk on his tongue. Johnny smacked his lips and opened up for more. Paul gave him a few more drops and then slid the nipple into his mouth. As soon as it touched the roof of his mouth, Johnny’s instincts kicked in, and he started to suck ravenously. Alec and I stared at Paul wide-eyed.
The Complete Arms of Grace Series Page 20
