The Inspector-General

by Nicolai Vasilievich Gogol

  MERCHANTS. If you please, father. (They take out money.) But what is three hundred? Better take five hundred. Only help us.

  KHLESTAKOV. Very well. About a loan i won't say a word. I'll take it.

  MERCHANTS (proffering him the money on a silver tray). Do please take the tray, too.

  KHLESTAKOV. Very well. I can take the tray, too.

  MERCHANTS (bowing). Then take the sugar at the same time.

  KHLESTAKOV. Oh, no. I take no bribes.

  OSIP. Why don't you take the sugar, your highness? Take it. Everything will come in handy on the road. Give here the sugar and that case. Give them here. It'll all be of use. What have you got there—a string? Give it here. A string will be handy on the road, too, if the coach or something else should break—for tying it up.

  MERCHANTS. Do us this great favor, your illustrious highness. Why, if you don't help us in our appeal to you, then we simply don't know how we are to exist. We might as well put our necks in a noose.

  KHLESTAKOV. Positively, positively. I shall exert my efforts in your behalf.

  The Merchants leave. A woman's voice is heard saying: "Don't you dare not to let me in. I'll make a complaint against you to him himself. Don't push me that way. It hurts."

  KHLESTAKOV. Who is there? (Goes to the window.) What is it, mother?

  (Two women's voices are heard:) "We beseech your grace, father. Give orders, your Lordship, for us to be heard."

  KHLESTAKOV. Let her in.

  SCENE XI

  Khlestakov , the Locksmith's Wife, and the non-commissioned Officer's Widow.

  LOCK.’S WIFE (kneeling). I beseech your grace.

  WIDOW. I beseech your grace.

  KHLESTAKOV. Who are you?

  WIDOW. Ivanova, widow of a non-commissioned officer.

  LOCK.’S WIFE. Fevronya Petrova Poshliopkina, the wife of a locksmith, a burgess of this town. My father—

  KHLESTAKOV. Stop! One at a time. What do you want?

  LOCK.’S WIFE. I beg for your grace. I beseech your aid against the governor. May God send all evil upon him. May neither he nor his children nor his uncles nor his aunts ever prosper in any of their undertakings.

  KHLESTAKOV. What's the matter?

  LOCK.’S WIFE. He ordered my husband to shave his forehead as a soldier, and our turn hadn't come, and it is against the law, my husband being a married man.

  KHLESTAKOV. How could he do it, then?

  LOCK.’S WIFE. He did it, he did it, the blackguard! May god smite him both in this world and the next. If he has an aunt, may all harm descend upon her. And if his father is living, may the rascal perish, may he choke to death. Such a cheat! The son of the tailor should have been levied. And he is a drunkard, too. But his parents gave the governor a rich present, so he fastened on the son of the tradeswoman, Panteleyeva. And Panteleyeva also sent his wife three pieces of linen. So then he comes to me. "What do you want your husband for?" he says. "He isn't any good to you any more." It's for me to know whether he is any good or not. That's my business. The old cheat! "He's a thief," he says. "Although he hasn't stolen anything, that doesn't matter. He is going to steal. And he'll be recruited next year anyway." How can I do without a husband? I am not a strong woman. The skunk! May none of his kith and kin ever see the light of God. And if he has a mother-in-law, may she, too,—

  KHLESTAKOV. All right, all right. Well, and you? (Addressing the Widow and leading the Locksmith's Wife to the door.)

  LOCK.’S WIFE (leaving). Don't forget, father. Be kind and gracious to me.

  WIDOW. I have come to complain against the governor, father.

  KHLESTAKOV. What is it? What for? Be brief.

  WIDOW. He flogged me, father.

  KHLESTAKOV. How so?

  WIDOW. By mistake, my father. Our women got into a squabble in the market, and when the police came, it was all over, and they took me and reported me— I couldn't sit down for two days.

  KHLESTAKOV. But what's to be done now?

  WIDOW. There's nothing to be done, of course. But if you please, order him to pay a fine for the mistake. I can't undo my luck. But the money would be very useful to me now.

  KHLESTAKOV. All right, all right. Go now, go. I'll see to it. (Hands with petitions are thrust through the window.) Who else is out there? (Goes to the window.) No, no. I don't want to, I don't want to. (Leaves the window.) I'm sick of it, the devil take it! Don't let them in, Osip.

  OSIP (calling through the window) . Go away, go away! He has no time. Come tomorrow.

  The door opens and a figure appears in a shag cloak, with unshaven beard, swollen lip, and a bandage over his cheek. Behind him appear a whole line of others.

  OSIP. Go away, go away! What are you crowding in here for?

  He puts his hands against the stomach of the first one, and goes out through the door, pushing him and banging the door behind.

  SCENE XII

  Khlestakov and Marya Antonovna.

  MARYA. Oh!

  KHLESTAKOV. What frightened you so, mademoiselle?

  MARYA. I wasn't frightened.

  KHLESTAKOV (showing off) . Please, miss. It's a great pleasure to me that you took me for a man who— May I venture to ask you where you were going?

  MARYA. I really wasn't going anywhere.

  KHLESTAKOV. But why weren't you going anywhere?

  MARYA. I was wondering whether mamma was here.

  KHLESTAKOV. No. I'd like to know why you weren't going anywhere.

  MARYA. I should have been in your way. You were occupied with important matters.

  KHLESTAKOV (showing off) . Your eyes are better than important matters. You cannot possibly disturb me. No, indeed, by no means. On the contrary, you afford me great pleasure.

  MARYA. You speak like a man from the capital.

  KHLESTAKOV. For such a beautiful lady as you. May i give myself the pleasure of offering you a chair? But no, you should have, not a chair, but a throne.

  MARYA. I really don't know—i really must go (She sits down.)

  KHLESTAKOV. What a beautiful scarf that is.

  MARYA. You are making fun of me. You're only ridiculing the provincials.

  KHLESTAKOV. Oh, mademoiselle, how i long to be your scarf, so that I might embrace your lily neck.

  MARYA. I haven't the least idea what you are talking about—scarf!— Peculiar weather today, isn't it?

  KHLESTAKOV. Your lips, mademoiselle, are better than any weather.

  MARYA. You are just saying that—i should like to ask you—I'd rather you would write some verses in my album for a souvenir. You must know very many.

  KHLESTAKOV. Anything you desire, mademoiselle. Ask! What verses will you have?

  MARYA. Any at all. Pretty, new verses.

  KHLESTAKOV. Oh, what are verses! I know a lot of them.

  MARYA. Well, tell me. What verses will you write for me?

  KHLESTAKOV. What's the use? I know them anyway.

  MARYA. I love them so.

  KHLESTAKOV. I have lots of them—of every sort. If you like, for example, I'll give you this: "Oh, thou, mortal man, who in thy anguish murmurest against God—" and others. I can't remember them now. Besides, it's all bosh. I'd rather offer you my love instead, which ever since your first glance— (Moves his chair nearer.)

  MARYA. Love? I don't understand love. I never knew what love is. (Moves her chair away.)

  KHLESTAKOV. Why do you move your chair away? It is better for us to sit near each other.

  MARYA (moving away). Why near? It's all the same if it's far away.

  KHLESTAKOV (moving nearer). Why far? It's all the same if it's near.

  MARYA (moving away). But what for?

  KHLESTAKOV (moving nearer). It only seems near to you. Imagine it's far. How happy I would be, mademoiselle, if I could clasp you in my embrace.

  MARYA (looking through the window). What is that? It looked as if something had flown by. Was it a magpie or some other bird?

  KHLESTAKOV (kisses her shoulder and looks through t
he window). It's a magpie.

  MARYA (rises indignantly) . No, that's too much— Such rudeness, such impertinence.

  KHLESTAKOV (holding her back). Forgive me, mademoiselle. I did it only out of love—only out of love, nothing else.

  MARYA. You take me for a silly provincial wench. (Struggles to go away.)

  KHLESTAKOV (still holding her back). It's out of love, really—out of love. It was just a little fun. Marya Antonovna, don't be angry. I'm ready to beg your forgiveness on my knees. (Falls on his knees.) Forgive me, do forgive me! You see, I am on my knees.

  SCENE XIII

  The same and Anna Andreyevna.

  ANNA (seeing Khlestakov on his knees). Oh, what a situation!

  KHLESTAKOV (rising). Oh, the devil!

  ANNA (to Marya). What does this mean? What does this behavior mean?

  MARYA. I, mother—

  ANNA. Go away from here. Do you hear? And don't you dare to show your face to me. (Marya goes out in tears.) Excuse me. I must say I'm greatly astonished.

  KHLESTAKOV (aside) . She's very appetizing, too. She's not bad-looking, either. (Flings himself on his knees.) Madam, you see I am burning with love.

  ANNA. What! You on your knees? Please get up, please get up. This floor isn't very clean.

  KHLESTAKOV. No, i must be on my knees before you. I must. Pronounce the verdict. Is it life or death?

  ANNA. But please—i don't quite understand the significance of your words. If I am not mistaken, you are making a proposal for my daughter.

  KHLESTAKOV. No, i am in love with you. My life hangs by a thread. If you don't crown my steadfast love, then I am not fit to exist in this world. With a burning flame in my bosom, I pray for your hand.

  ANNA. But please remember i am in a certain way —married.

  KHLESTAKOV. That's nothing. Love knows no distinction. It was Karamzin who said: "The laws condemn." We will fly in the shadow of a brook. Your hand! I pray for your hand!

  SCENE XIV

  The same and Marya Antonovna.

  MARYA (running in suddenly). Mamma, papa says you should— (seeing Khlestakov on his knees, exclaims:) Oh, what a situation!

  ANNA. Well, what do you want? Why did you come in here? What for? What sort of flightiness is this? Breaks in like a cat leaping out of smoke. Well, what have you found so wonderful? What's gotten into your head again? Really, she behaves like a child of three. She doesn't act a bit like a girl of eighteen, not a bit. I don't know when you'll get more sense into your head, when you'll behave like a decent, well-bred girl, when you'll know what good manners are and a proper demeanor.

  MARYA (through her tears). Mamma, I really didn't know—

  ANNA. There's always a breeze blowing through your head. You act like Liapkin-Tiapkin's daughter. Why should you imitate them? You shouldn't imitate them. You have other examples to follow. You have your mother before you. She's the example to follow.

  KHLESTAKOV (seizing Marya's hand). Anna Andreyevna, don't oppose our happiness. Give your blessing to our constant love.

  ANNA (in surprise). So it's in her you are—

  KHLESTAKOV. Decide—life or death?

  ANNA. Well, there, you fool, you see? Our guest is pleased to go down on his knees for such trash as you. You, running in suddenly as if you were out of your mind. Really, it would be just what you deserve, if I refused. You are not worthy of such happiness.

  MARYA. I won't do it again, mamma, really i won't.

  SCENE XV

  The same and the Governor in precipitate haste.

  GOVERNOR. Your excellency, don't ruin me, don't ruin me.

  KHLESTAKOV. What's the matter?

  GOVERNOR. The merchants have complained to your excellency. I assure you on my honor that not one half of what they said is so. They themselves are cheats. They give short measure and short weight. The officer's widow lied to you when she said I flogged her. She lied, upon my word, she lied. She flogged herself.

  KHLESTAKOV. The devil take the officer's widow. What do i care about the officer's widow.

  GOVERNOR. Don't believe them, don't believe them. They are rank liars; a mere child wouldn't believe them. They are known all over town as liars. And as for cheating, I venture to inform you that there are no swindlers like them in the whole of creation.

  ANNA. Do you know what honor Ivan Aleksandrovich is bestowing upon us? He is asking for our daughter's hand.

  GOVERNOR. What are you talking about? Mother has lost her wits. Please do not be angry, your Excellency. She has a touch of insanity. Her mother was like that, too.

  KHLESTAKOV. Yes, i am really asking for your daughter's hand. I am in love with her.

  GOVERNOR. I cannot believe it, your excellency.

  ANNA. But when you are told!

  KHLESTAKOV. I am not joking. I could go crazy, i am so in love.

  GOVERNOR. I daren't believe it. I am unworthy of such an honor.

  KHLESTAKOV. If you don't consent to give me your daughter Marya Antonovna's hand, then I am ready to do the devil knows what.

  GOVERNOR. I cannot believe it. You deign to joke, your Excellency.

  ANNA. My, what a blockhead! Really! When you are told over and over again!

  GOVERNOR. I can't believe it.

  KHLESTAKOV. Give her to me, give her to me! I am a desperate man and I may do anything. If I shoot myself, you will have a law-suit on your hands.

  GOVERNOR. Oh, my god! I am not guilty either in thought or in action. Please do not be angry. Be pleased to act as your mercy wills. Really, my head is in such a state I don't know what is happening. I have turned into a worse fool than I've ever been in my life.

  ANNA. Well, give your blessing.

  KHLESTAKOV goes up to Marya Antonovna.

  GOVERNOR. May god bless you, but i am not guilty. (Khlestakov kisses Marya. The Governor looks at them.) What the devil! It's really so. (Rubs his eyes.) They are kissing. Oh, heavens! They are kissing. Actually to be our son-in-law! (Cries out, jumping with glee.) Ho, Anton! Ho, Anton! Ho, Governor! So that's the turn events have taken!

  SCENE XVI

  The same and Osip.

  OSIP. The horses are ready.

  KHLESTAKOV. Oh! All right. I'll come presently.

  GOVERNOR. What's that? Are you leaving?

  KHLESTAKOV. Yes, i'm going.

  GOVERNOR. Then when—that is—i thought you were pleased to hint at a wedding.

  KHLESTAKOV. Oh—for one minute only—for one day—to my uncle, a rich old man. I'll be back tomorrow.

  GOVERNOR. We would not venture, of course, to hold you back, and we hope for your safe return.

  KHLESTAKOV. Of course, of course, i'll come back at once. Good-by, my dear—no, I simply can't express my feelings. Good-by, my heart. (Kisses Marya's hand.)

  GOVERNOR. Don't you need something for the road? It seems to me you were pleased to be short of cash.

  KHLESTAKOV, oh, no, what for? (After a little thought.) However, if you like.

  GOVERNOR. How much will you have?

  KHLESTAKOV. You gave me two hundred then, that is, not two hundred, but four hundred—I don't want to take advantage of your mistake—you might let me have the same now so that it should be an even eight hundred.

  GOVERNOR. Very well. (Takes the money out of his pocket-book.) The notes happen to be brand-new, too, as though on purpose.

  KHLESTAKOV. Oh, yes. (Takes the bills and looks at them.) That's good. They say new money means good luck.

  GOVERNOR. Quite right.

  KHLESTAKOV. Good-by, Anton Antonovich. I am very much obliged to you for your hospitality. I admit with all my heart that I have never got such a good reception anywhere. Good-by, Anna Andreyevna. Good-by, my sweet-heart, Marya Antonovna.

  All go out.

  Behind the Scenes.

  KHLESTAKOV. Good-by, angel of my soul, Marya Antonovna.

  GOVERNOR. What's that? You are going in a plain mail-coach?

  KHLESTAKOV. Yes, i'm used to it. I get a headache from a carriage wit
h springs.

  POSTILION. Ho!

  GOVERNOR. Take a rug for the seat at least. If you say so, I'll tell them to bring a rug.

  KHLESTAKOV. No, what for? It's not necessary. However, let them bring a rug if you please.

  GOVERNOR. Ho, avdotya. Go to the store-room and bring the very best rug from there, the Persian rug with the blue ground. Quick!

  POSTILION. Ho!

  GOVERNOR. When do you say we are to expect you back?

  KHLESTAKOV. Tomorrow, or the day after.

  OSIP. Is this the rug? Give it here. Put it there. Now put some hay on this side.

  POSTILION. Ho!

  OSIP. Here, on this side. More. All right. That will be fine. (Beats the rug down with his hand.) Now take the seat, your Excellency.

  KHLESTAKOV. Good-by, Anton Antonovich.

  GOVERNOR. Good-by, your excellency.

  ANNA, MARYA. Good-by, Ivan Aleksandrovich.

  KHLESTAKOV. Good-by, mother.

  POSTILION. Get up, my boys!

  The bell rings and the curtain drops.

  ACT V

  SCENE I

  The Governor , Anna Andreyevna, and Marya Antonovna.

  GOVERNOR. Well, Anna Andreyevna, eh? Did you ever imagine such a thing? Such a rich prize? I'll be—. Well, confess frankly, it never occurred to you even in your dreams, did it? From just a simple governor's wife suddenly—whew!—I'll be hanged! —to marry into the family of such a big gun.

  ANNA. Not at all. I knew it long ago. It seems wonderful to you because you are so plain. You never saw decent people.

  GOVERNOR. I'm a decent person myself, mother. But, really, think, Anna Andreyevna, what gay birds we have turned into now, you and I. Eh, Anna Andreyevna? High fliers, by Jove! Wait now, I'll give those fellows who were so eager to present their petitions and denunciations a peppering. Ho, who's there? (Enter a Sergeant.) Is it you, Ivan Karpovich? Call those merchants here, brother, won't you? I'll give it to them, the scoundrels! To make such complaints against me! The damned pack of Jews! Wait, my dear fellows. I used to dose you down to your ears. Now I'll dose you down to your beards. Make a list of all who came to protest against me, especially the mean petty scribblers who cooked the petitions up for them, and announce to all that they should know what honor the Heavens have bestowed upon the Governor, namely this: that he is marrying his daughter, not to a plain ordinary man, but to one the like of whom has never yet been in the world, who can do everything, everything, everything, everything! Proclaim it to all so that everybody should know. Shout it aloud to the whole world. Ring the bell, the devil take it! It is a triumph, and we will make it a triumph. (The Sergeant goes out.) So that's the way, Anna Andreyevna, eh? What shall we do now? Where shall we live? Here or in St. Pete?