Lover of the Light

by Sydney Taylor

  I shrug. "Yeah, I mean, that's it, isn't it? Nance can't get pregnant?"

  "Well… she could." He strings the word out and I lean closer, curious. "Just not with me."

  I feel my jaw slack, surprised. I guess I didn't think he could be the problem.

  "Oh," I mutter, tearing my eyes away from him to glance around the bowling alley. I purse my lips and nod slowly. "Sorry."

  I turn back to see him shrug. "Like I said, no big deal. We tried and tried for years and always thought… it must be Nance."

  "So… all this time you thought Nance couldn't get pregnant?"

  He nods. "We kept seeing doctors and trying to figure out what the problem was. It took us five years to even consider that there could be a problem. We eventually saw this fertility specialist who told us that there was a chance Nance couldn't have children, and she… sort of… shut down for a while after that."

  Not knowing how to respond to that, I purse my lips and tilt my head to the side. I'm so awkward. "That… sucks."

  He lets out an elongated sigh. "Yeah, but I'm not quite stressing over it. If it can't be helped, it can't be helped. When we found out I was the problem, it made it even worse. However, I did try to convince Nance to go to a fertility clinic."

  Letting my curiosity get the best of me, I lean closer, as if I can understand him better by invading his personal space. "What happened then?"

  "She wouldn't do it." He sighs. "She said if she couldn't have a baby that was a part of both of us, she wouldn't do it at all. It wasn't fair to me."

  "So, she wanted to adopt instead," I conclude.

  "She wasn't all for that idea either," he admits, looking sheepish. "It took a while to wrap her head around the concept of adoption. Why would we do that when she could still get pregnant?" He shrugs. "Well, again, it was the fairness of it all. I assured her I would love any child that came from her, but she wouldn't do it. But when she thought about the adoption, after a while, she fell in love. Maybe too much…"

  "Why do you say that?" I ask.

  "Uh… doesn't she come on a little too strong?" He gestures around himself. "Even this—it's crossing the line a little, Blake. I told her we can't get so involved in your lives, we can't overstep. We seem overbearing. It makes us appear… suspicious."

  I can't help it. I bust out laughing. I think about how I feel about Audrey trying to get to know them so well, and I feel the same.

  "What?" he asks, worried. "Did I say something funny?"

  "No, no," I protest, shaking my head vehemently. "Not at all."

  It actually makes me feel better knowing that I'm not the only one worried about intruding.

  "Can I ask you something?" he asks, his expression becoming bolder, more serious.

  I pause and force my composure back as it was before I started laughing. "Sure."

  "I know you probably can't answer this, so don't feel obligated. I've been through this before and I know when someone is having doubts, so I have to ask… how sure is Audrey about the adoption? Do you… do you talk about it, you know? How she feels about it?"

  I don't know why it surprises me. Maybe I never imagined he'd ask me, or maybe I didn't think he'd noticed.

  I don't want to tell Tim about our reluctance. Of course we're indecisive, we're seventeen. Audrey struggles with this, but in the end, she knows what she wants. I do too, and I agree with her that our fears seem irrational.

  We aren't prepared for Channel Three. Timothy and Nancy have been prepared for a decade.

  "Honestly—"

  "You don't have to tell me." He waves a dismissive hand and stands from his chair. "I know she probably thinks we're crazy or something, but I thought I'd ask. It's a hard thing to do, but that's why we do this. We'd rather you know who we are and choose to give your baby to us rather than leave you wondering and miss the opportunity to prove that he's in good hands. I think it'd probably kill me too, giving my kid up to total strangers," he muses to himself.

  His words leave a sharp jabbing sensation in my chest.

  "We didn't know it would be like this," I blurt out.

  He turns to me and shrugs as if it isn't a big deal.

  "No one did."

  Chapter 34

  October 31st, 2012

  9:10 p.m.

  "Is she drunk?"

  "No," I say, and I mean it too.

  "Are you sure? Sniff her breath," Chase encourages, nudging me with his elbow, trying to push me toward her.

  I laugh. "She's not drunk, she's happy."

  He snorts. "He's a trucker?"

  I shrug. "His name is Max."

  "Irrelevant. He drives a truck?" Chase smirks. "I don't like this guy already."

  I really want to agree with him, but I also know Max a little better than to judge him by his sizeable name. I've had one full conversation with him since we met, and I sort of, kind of, really, definitely, like him a lot…

  He's not a bad guy.

  He even calls Brightside “Sunny Girl,” which I would think is creepy if I didn't like that weird guy so much.

  "Woot, Woot!" Alex bellows, jumping up and down. He stands beside the bonfire, sticking his tongue out at Brightside. She crosses her arms over her chest, narrowing her eyes. "Aw, don't look so sad. You want some haterade with that frown?"

  Brightside, who takes crap from no one, punches Alex in the forearm.

  "This guy is weird, too," Chase says, pointing to my newest friend. "He kind of reminds me of you, so I guess I'll put up with him."

  I grimace. People keep saying that Alex and I look alike, we could be twins. I mean, he's five years older than me, way taller than I am, and he gets his hair cut regularly.

  I groan then. I get my hair cut like every three weeks now.

  We are twins.

  Everyone loves Alex, though. He's the star of the party, even my mom can't get enough of him. She keeps calling him "Alexis" and forcing all this food she made on him.

  My mom decided to throw a Halloween party this year. I may have tried to talk her out of it, but she wanted to do something special, since Chase is here for the next few days. I think she secretly wanted to do this as a way of introducing Max to my family.

  Everyone is happy for my mother, and they all seem to like Max… except for Chase. I think he'll come around.

  This is kind of what I imagine a normal family event to be like. No one is drunk, although I suspect my aunt Layla is sneaking little bottles of tequila when no one is looking. People are laughing, there is country music playing in the background, and no one here is making a big deal over the other life. They don't stare and ask Audrey questions about Channel Three, they just treat her like she is a part of the family. I don't know if it's because my mom told them to, or if it’s just the way they feel around her.

  “I’m so tired of this,” Audrey complains as she meets us at the edge of the backyard, slowly. She has a waddle these days, and often complains of back pains and sore feet, which I spend more time rubbing than I ever anticipated in my life.

  "I just lost ten bucks," she pouts, wrapping her arms around my waist. I accept her hug and kiss her before pulling back to search the yard for Alex, about to bug him into giving Audrey her ten bucks back. "It's okay"—she waves her hand dismissively—"you reap what you sow I guess."

  "Audrey's a gambling addict now?" Chase asks, peeking over my shoulder to tease her. "I leave for a few months, come back and everyone is getting jobs, becoming gambling addicts, finding weird friends, and dating truckers."

  "Oh, Max isn't a trucker," Audrey insists, tightening her arms around me.

  "Take it from Audrey," I tell Chase, tilting my head to the girlfriend. "She knows truckers."

  "I do." She smirks. "But no, he's really not a truck driver anymore. He got fired after his last incident—which landed him in the hospital and into Nurse Tucker's arms." She sighs, getting this distant, day-dreamy look in her eyes. I roll my own at her theatrics, turning back to my brother.

  "He hit a tr
uck from another company, which sued the company he works for, who then fired him,” I explain.

  Chase narrows his eyes in Max's direction.

  Max is laughing at my mom, seemingly comfortable and relaxed surrounded by these people he doesn't know, which mainly consists of my mother's family, her friends, and some of mine and Chase's.

  Chase shakes his head. "I knew there was something wrong with that guy."

  I shift. "He's a good guy, Chase."

  "He is," Audrey agrees.

  I try not to laugh when I see her tugging at the sweater she has on. It's black and orange striped, reading PUMPKIN SMUGGLER across the top. When I asked her why she wore it, she shrugged at me and said, "Everyone already thinks I'm bogarting a beach ball, might as well embrace it."

  I didn't have the heart to tell her no one really thinks she's smuggling a beach ball. Everyone in this town knows what's going on. I think she knows this too, but I can't stop Audrey from being Audrey. She's always trying to find a joke in everything, miss-look-at-the-brightside in any given situation. Except for maybe one.

  I take a step back when I feel her tugging on my arm.

  "Come on, country kid," she whispers in my ear, trailing her fingers over my neck. "I'm stealing you."

  I don't really know what it is about Audrey's pregnancy that makes her so daring, but she's been doing this a lot lately. I'd say no since we're surrounded by people who would definitely realize we're gone, but… I'm seventeen.

  We don't do anything.

  Okay, no, we definitely do something.

  With both the house and backyard filled with guest, we end up in the backseat of the car, sweaty and grabby, fogging up the windows in forty-degree weather. My car is parked in the alleyway, allowing a few of my mom's party guests a place to put their cars, so no one can really see us. It's difficult with Channel Three getting in the way, but we manage to maneuver around the backseat.

  Audrey complains about sweaty skin sticking to the seats, and I bitch about all the pressure on my junk. She laughs and tries to unzip me. I stop her. I don't want anyone walking in—out—on us. It's bad enough we’ve fogged up all windows.

  "I want to help.” She smiles, batting her long eyelashes at me.

  I can’t exactly handle much more, so I manage to tell her no. I can tell she's going to get pissed, so I pretty much shove my tongue down her throat to make her forget about it. I have a little self-control. Not much, but just enough to say no to backseat-sex.

  Our party is ruined by a tapping against the window. Audrey uses the sleeve of her sweater to wipe the fog off the window, and I find myself laughing.

  "Ah!" she screams, ducking her head. I roll my eyes when I spot Hailee peeking through the window, laughing her ass off. I hover over Audrey, reaching between the seat and door to roll down the window. It takes me forty seconds to get it halfway, but that doesn't deter Hailee. She sticks her head inside, and Audrey covers her face with her hands. "Sorry to interrupt, kids."

  Brightside buries her face in her sweater.

  I roll my eyes, more agitated than embarrassed. I mean, this was her idea, not mine. Of all the people she should be embarrassed at being caught by tonight, Hailee is not one of them.

  "Good to see you, Hailee," I tell her, maybe a little sarcastic. "How's college?"

  She plants her hands on the window and leans in a bit more. I can tell she's going to be here a while, so I try to get comfortable and tug at my pants as discreetly as possible. I give her a look that says leave or I kill you, which, of course, she thinks is adorable.

  She grins. "I'm glad to be back, Blake. And college is great—Arizona is fucking hot." She narrows her eyes at me before twisting her head back creepily to smile at my Brightside. I pull her closer to my side, wondering why my brother had to date a whack job who has no concept of privacy.

  "H-Hi Hailee," Audrey stammers, as if this wasn't her BFF two months ago.

  Hailee laughs and cocks her head up, winking at me. "I've been here for an hour and a half. Do you realize how long you've been out here?"

  I purse my lips. "I'm guessing an hour and a half."

  She holds her smile. "Yep."

  I sigh, looking between Audrey and Hailee. "Uh... Okay, give me a minute."

  She nods, still staring.

  I widen my eyes at her, silently telling her to get the fuck out, which she ignores. Big surprise there.

  Her smile widens, trying not to laugh at the make-out instigator who looks like she's about to shrink into her sweater any minute.

  "Anyway, your mom is getting ready to call off the party." She narrows her eyes at us. "I can't believe you two. Think of all the trick-or-treaters you scared away tonight.” I start rolling up the window again, which takes twice as much time as it did going down. "Shame on you."

  My arm hurts too much to move by the time I have the window back up, so I let my head fall on Audrey's stomach, closing my eyes for a minute. "Sorry."

  "Don't be, I like her," she says, breathing a nervous-sounding laugh.

  "I didn't realize we were out here for that long."

  I hear her sighing as she pushes her fingers through my hair. "I should go, too. My brother is coming into town and for some reason my mom wants the house to be spotless."

  "She's making you clean?"

  "Just my room, but it's a mess."

  I nod, sitting back. "I'll call you tomorrow."

  She looks sad for some reason, so I kiss her again.

  We don't leave the car for another ten minutes.

  "Where'd you go?" my mom asks as I enter the house, sans Brightside. "Everyone's gone already, except for your brother, and that friend of yours—they're raiding my kitchen."

  "Max go home?" I ask, avoiding the question.

  She shakes her head. "He's outback, putting out the fire." She faces me again, narrowing her eyes. "You know, it's rude to abandon your guests. I know you were around here somewhere, kissing that girl."

  "At least I left to do it.”

  She lifts an eyebrow at me.

  I walk past her, making a B-line out of this conversation. I know it was rude to leave earlier. "I'll clean up the kitchen."

  "Uh huh," she mutters under her breath.

  I enter the kitchen and see it's already spotless and clean, save for the bags of chips and dips spread across the table. Hailee is sitting next to my brother, and I shoot a glare her way. It's silly, but it's my way of saying, “yeah, I missed you.” She smirks, not at all fazed by my irritated looks.

  "Look who's back," she announces to Chase and Alex, who turn their heads to me. I pour a glass of Coke, avoiding the ohs and kissy noises they yap at me.

  "Where's Audrey?" Hailee asks, no longer teasing me like the others. "I missed that girl."

  "That girl had to go home, she can't party all night," I tell her, shrugging. I take a seat by Alex, who's fingering my mom's queso dip like it's the best thing he's ever eaten.

  "I have to go too, the girl's wondering where I'm at." He sighs, glancing up at me from his bowl of cheese. "But this cheese is awesome."

  I feel my lips tugging at the corners. "You can buy it, you know."

  His eyes widen in astonishment, utterly dumbfounded by this information. "Get the fudge out of here."

  I nod.

  I learned a while ago that Alex's verbal filter is legitimate. He's so used to using filler-cuss words for his son's sake that now he does it all the time.

  "All right man." We do this weird handshake he came up with, and Chase gives me a look that says you do handshakes now? I flip him off and take a chip while Alex leaves, still sucking cheese off his finger.

  "That guy is awesome. He knows every video game ever and he eats dip like a true thug," Hailee says, and Chase frowns.

  "What's your problem?" I laugh at him.

  "Chase feels like you don't need him anymore," Hailee tells me, sending my brother an apologetic smile.

  I frown. "What?"

  There's a soft buzzing sound r
inging and my ear and I drop my chip, wondering where the hell it's coming from for a few seconds.

  "It's your phone, derp," Hailee says, her eyes growing wide and wild. "He still does that when his phone rings? Why do people do that?"

  "Oh," I mumble, retrieving it from my back pocket. I answer it automatically when I see Brightside flashing across the screen. "Audrey?"

  There's this moment before she answers the phone when all I can hear is typical phone fuzz and someone breathing at the other end, but that's really all I need to know something's wrong. For some reason I don't need much more, I can almost feel it.

  "What is it?" Hailee asks, the worry clearly written across my face, I guess.

  I shrug. "Audrey? You there?"

  There's another moment of silence, and then the sounds get a little clearer. Someone yelling in the background, Audrey breathing unsteady, and then there's this:

  "Blake, can you come over?"

  I shoot out of my chair, already waving to Hailee and Chase. "I'll be back," I tell them, turning as soon as they nod in understanding. "Yeah, I’ll be right over. What's going on?"

  "I… my dad is going crazy right now. Uh… never mind, don't come over."

  "What do you mean he's going crazy? Did something happen when you got home?"

  "Yeah. Someone called the house phone earlier and left a message from a hotel phone. I'm not really sure if it's her or not, but Dad swears it was."

  "A message from who?" I ask, confused.

  She's quiet for a moment, and I make out the distinct sound of John's angered voice in the background, grumbling something about trust. "Um… he said he thinks it was Nancy."

  Chapter 35

  November 1st 2012

  10:00 a.m.

  I’ve never believed in fate, or destiny. I’ve never accepted the idea there’s already prepared a future for me. Neither did Audrey.

  That’s why we prepared for this moment.

  I met a girl months ago who made me fall in love with the idea of a future, but I didn’t know what it was. I just knew that I saw something I didn’t before I met her.