by Parker Blue
I DON’T CARE WHERE ANY OF YOU SLEEP, SO LONG AS YOU ACTUALLY LET US HIT THE SACK, TOO, Fang said. PRINCESS AND I ARE GOING TO BED IN GWEN’S ROOM. BE QUIET, WILLYA?
Whatever. “Come on,” I said to Austin. “I’ll show you where everything is.” I led him to the bedroom and changed the sheets on the bed, then showed him where the towels were in my bathroom. I wasn’t exactly a girly girl, but Austin made the rooms I’d had so much fun decorating seem ultra feminine and even a little fussy.
I accidentally brushed his arm with mine, and Lola leapt to attention, sending lust surging through my body. Reminding myself she’d react that way to any man, I pulled away, rubbing my arm where we’d touched. But why did she respond so much more easily and readily to Austin than anyone else? Maybe because she’d fed on him more than anyone else? Yes, that had to be it.
Annoyed by how self-conscious he made me feel, I asked curtly, “Need anything else?”
“No, I’m good.” When I turned to go, he reached out for my arm and grinned. “Hey, remember, I’m only a scream away.”
Lola urged me to scream right then and there, but I slapped her down. “Not gonna happen,” I snapped and pulled free. Then, to push home the point, I said, “Good night.”
I closed the bedroom door firmly in his face then sagged against the wooden frame, fighting to control Lola’s disappointment. Sheesh. Why couldn’t Lola have the hots for Shade instead of Austin?
Because Austin is interested and Shade isn’t? a small voice said inside me.
Luckily, I made a habit of ignoring small irritating voices. I headed back toward the living room, expecting it to be deserted, but Shade was still sitting on the couch. “Val, we need to talk,” he said quietly.
My heart leapt in my chest. This was what I wanted, wasn’t it? So why did I have this sinking feeling?
Shade had never learned how to hide his feelings very well and probably didn’t even try when he was all swirly. Since I needed some nonverbal cues for this conversation, I took a peek at his expression. Jaw and mouth firmed, no softness in his eyes. Crap. I wasn’t sure I wanted to get into it with Shade.
IT’S OKAY, Fang assured me from the other room. YOU NEED TO HEAR THIS.
“All right,” I said slowly.
Shade stood up to pace, looking a little sad now, yet frustrated at the same time.
Encouraged by his lack of anger, I whispered, “I’m glad you finally want to talk.”
He nodded. “Micah and Tessa insisted. They said . . . you think I’m angry at you.” He paused to spear me with an annoyed glance.
“Aren’t you?” He sure acted like it.
“Not really. Not you, specifically.” He made an abortive movement, like he wanted to punch something, but didn’t want me to see it. “Just everything.”
Sheesh. Looked as though I was going to have to pull it out of him. “Like what?” I ventured a guess. “Dina, you mean? Was it really bad?”
His ran a hand through his hair and grimaced. “It wasn’t all that bad at the time. She forced me to enjoy everything she did to me. It wasn’t until I was no longer under her control that I realized how I’d been made to dance to any tune she played.” The bitterness in his voice and distaste in his expression showed far more of his feelings than his words did.
HE FELT USED, Fang added.
I cringed internally. Dina had possessed a great deal more experience than I had at being a succubus and had enjoyed it a whole heck of a lot more. I tried not to think about what she’d made him do, like something . . . deviant? I was so clueless about this stuff, I couldn’t even imagine what that might be. “Do you want to talk about what she did to you?”
Shade shook his head and paced some more. “That’s not important.” But the tightness in his expression showed the lie. It did matter—he just didn’t want to share it with me.
“I’m so sorry for leaving you with her. I didn’t know about the amulet.” Didn’t know it would allow her to have control of him every minute of every day, even when she was sleeping.
He shrugged. “I don’t blame you.”
“Don’t you?” I asked softly. Isn’t that what this was all about?
He made a negating movement. “Not totally,” he admitted. “I share some of the blame. After all, I told you to leave.”
At least he finally understood that. “Then what’s wrong?”
When he hesitated, Fang broadcast, HE WANTED TO DO HIS JOB, FIX THE PROBLEM, BE THE HERO. INSTEAD, DINA TOOK CONTROL OF HIM SO EASILY HE FEELS LIKE A FAILURE. ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU HAD TO RESCUE HIM.
Shade shot a murderous glance toward the bedroom where Fang and Princess had supposedly gone to bed. “Shut up, Fang. Let me tell this my way.”
WHATEVER, DUDE. JUST GET ON WITH IT SO WE CAN ALL SLEEP.
“It’s not your fault,” I assured Shade. “No man could have resisted Dina, especially with the amulet. And we had no way of knowing she had that edge.”
“I should have been able to do something,” Shade said viciously. “Instead, I had to wait for someone—you—to rescue me.”
But it would have been all right if he’d rescued me, I’m sure. A bit too twentieth-century macho dude for my taste. Then again, it was probably really frustrating for a demon with such a strong power to have to rely on anyone else.
AND HE’S A GUY, Fang reminded me unnecessarily. THAT MEANS IT WAS ALSO HUMILIATING.
I really didn’t need the commentary, especially in a conversation that was supposed to be private. But Fang was right. Even if I didn’t like it, guys did like to be the strong one in the relationship, the ones to be the protector and the savior . . . not the ones who had to be saved. Did he think I’d emasculated him or something?
Fang snorted mentally. DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
Please, stay out of this, Fang, I said mentally. Shade and I need to figure this out on our own. To reassure Shade, I said, “You couldn’t have done anything.”
He grimaced. “Yeah, all I’m good for is bringing more evil into the world.”
Did he really feel that way? “I didn’t have enough strength to control the mage demon either,” I reminded him. “Not until I used the amulet.”
“That’s my fault, too,” Shade said, a strangely agonized expression on his face.
“Huh? How do you figure that?”
He ran a hand over his face and wouldn’t look at me directly. “If we hadn’t . . . made love, you wouldn’t have lost your strength and speed. And when you had to use the spells, it weakened Lola even more.”
“You can’t take the blame for that,” I said, exasperated. “Two of us made that decision.” If anyone was to blame, it was Fang and Princess, for getting us caught up in their lovemaking when Princess went into heat.
HEY, Fang protested. I APOLOGIZED FOR THAT.
Butt out, Fang.
OKAY, OKAY. BUT DON’T STAY UP TOO LATE. YOUR THOUGHTS KEEP US AWAKE.
Whatever. Just leave us alone.
“I’m not blaming anyone,” I told Shade firmly. “And I don’t regret it, either. In fact, I kinda want to do it again.”
Oh, crap. Had that really come out of my mouth? I must be more tired than I thought. And now my face must be flaming red. I wished I had the option of going swirly when I wanted to.
Shade looked startled, then gave me a tentative grin. “Do you?”
Duh. Well, crap. I’d already embarrassed myself. Why not go for broke? Carefully keeping Lola and the amulet in check so Shade wouldn’t think I was trying to force him to feel something he didn’t want to, I rose to my feet and leaned in to kiss him softly on the mouth. He was so surprised, he didn’t respond much. But he didn’t pull away, either.
“I do,” I said. Then, because he looked so confused, I added teasingly, “Don’t you know you’re the espresso
in my coffee, the chai in my tea, the marshmallows in my cocoa, the—”
“Okay, okay,” he said, laughing as I’d hoped. “I get it.”
I grinned. “Good, ’cause I was running out of hot drinks.” His smile faded, and I could see him visibly compose himself to say something. Something I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear. My heart sinking, I pulled back an inch and said it for him. “But you don’t feel the same way.” I meant that to sound matter of fact, but it came out sounding accusatory.
“Actually, I think I do feel the same way,” Shade said.
He thought he did? Didn’t he know? My hopes rose, but I sensed there was a “but” coming.
“But I need some space right now. I need to work through some things.”
And there it was. “Like what?” Quickly, I added, “I’m not being nosy. I’m just trying to understand what you’re going through.” I wanted to see if there was any way I could help, but I wasn’t sure I should say that part aloud.
“It’s not about you,” Shade said. “It’s about me. About my past.”
I didn’t know much about Shade’s history, before he joined the Demon Underground. He’d never said, and ashamed, I realized I’d never asked. “What about it?”
“I don’t remember much and didn’t realize that until after you saved me from Dina’s clutches.”
How weird. “But you’re remembering now?”
“Sort of. It’s mostly feelings, as opposed to real memories.” He frowned. “I can’t describe it, but I need some time to figure it out. That means I need all my wits about me.” His mouth twisted in a wry grin. “And I’m pretty witless when I’m around you and Lola.”
Well, that was something, anyway. “So, if Lola can’t cozy up to you, that means I have to feed on other people.” Like Austin. Though I’d avoid it as long as possible, for Shade’s sake.
He grimaced. “I guess I’ll have to live with it. But don’t enjoy it too much, okay?”
“Never,” I declared to make him smile. I just hoped it was the truth.
But I wanted him back to normal as soon as possible. “Have you asked Elspeth for help? She was the Memory Eater for so long, she might know something that might help you, even though she no longer has that power.”
He nodded. “That’s a good idea. Thanks for understanding.” He leaned over to give me a hesitant kiss on the forehead, like I was his aunt or something. Whoopie. Not exactly what I wanted, but right now, I’d take what I could get.
He headed off to bed, and I stared bleakly down at the couch—my bed for the foreseeable future. Sighing, I headed toward my linen closet to get a pillow and a blanket.
Unfortunately, I came face to face with Austin. He leaned against the open door to my room with the strangest expression on his face.
“Were you eavesdropping?” I asked belligerently. I was used to it with Fang, but didn’t care for it with other people.
He shrugged. “Not intentionally, but vampire hearing, you know.” Grinning, he added, “Hey, you didn’t hear me complain when you saved my life.”
What was he trying to say? “That’s because you saved mine right back.”
“Exactly. Our relationship works both ways.”
Was that a slam at Shade? “We don’t have a relationship,” I reminded him. My mouth firmed into a thin line, and I tried to push past him.
He blocked my way with his arm. “Maybe. But ask yourself, what is Shade not saying?”
I backed up to keep him out of Lola’s energy field and glared up at him. “What do you mean?”
“Even though Lola is weakened, you’re still the strongest person I know. Stronger, faster, smarter than the average demon . . . than him. That’s a hard pill to swallow for any man. Ask yourself this—does he resent you for it?”
I jerked my arm out of Austin’s hold. “Don’t be ridiculous,” I bit out and stomped off down the hallway. Unfortunately, I couldn’t escape his words as easily.
Did Shade resent me? Subconsciously? It would sure explain some things.
I shook my head fiercely. No, that was just Austin trying to mess with my head. There was a future for Shade and me. Wasn’t there?
Chapter Five
Shade
SHADE WOKE IN a sweat, his heart pounding. He’d had that nightmare again. The one he couldn’t remember, the one that left only feelings behind, as if he’d lost everything important to him. Unlike his normal dreams, this one was more slippery. It packed a wallop of fear and pain, then bled away into formless mist when he woke. Though he struggled to remember what was so important about it, he could never recall anything but the emotion that hit him right in the gut.
He rubbed his hand over his face and realized he was in a strange bed in a strange room. As the reason came back to him, he shook off the elusive dream and fumbled until he found a bedside lamp and turned it on. Princess and Fang lay curled together at the foot of the bed like a furry yin yang symbol.
Fang opened one eye. YOU’RE IN GWEN’S ROOM AT VAL’S PLACE, he informed Shade.
Yeah, I got that. The bright flowery bedspread kind of gave it away. It was dark out again, so he must have slept through the daylight hours. Was he keeping vampire hours now?
Fang closed his eye and snuggled into Princess. YOU’RE KEEPING VAL HOURS, Fang told him. YOU SHOULD BE USED TO IT.
He hadn’t been lately, but as Micah’s watcher for so many years, he was used to lurking in the dark shadows of the night. Easier to hide the weird shifting dimensions of his appearance that way.
But what other people didn’t realize was that it was even stranger on the inside. Unless he was grounded in someone from this world, bizarre images and feelings constantly flickered through him from other realities. Some even felt like this reality, fuzzy events that seemed as though they’d happened to him in his past, though he couldn’t remember those things actually occurring.
Idly, he wondered if he was tapping into alternate realities in those other dimensions, with a million other Shades leading slightly different lives. Maybe in some of those places, he wasn’t even part shadow demon. Too bad that wasn’t this reality.
DON’T BE SILLY, Princess said, waking and stretching. IF YOU WEREN’T PART DEMON, WE WOULD HAVE NEVER FOUND EACH OTHER.
Shade grinned and rubbed the hellhound’s long silky ears as she settled again beside him. Her view of the world never failed to amuse him. She never had to worry about right and wrong—it was all black and white and Princess-centric. Not finding each other would have been a fate worse than death, he assured her.
OF COURSE, she said serenely, never doubting he felt that way. I WOULD LIKE FOOD NOW.
Shade jumped out of bed and gave her a mock bow. “Your wish is my command, your highness.”
Princess took it as her due.
Fang snorted, and said privately, YOU REALIZE SHE DOESN’T RECOGNIZE SARCASM.
I know. That’s what makes it so fun. He helped the very pregnant spaniel down off the bed, pulled on some pants and a T-shirt, scrubbed his hands through his hair to get it out of his eyes, and headed for the kitchen. Surely there’d be something for the hellhounds to eat there. And maybe something for a shadow demon, too.
He passed through the living room, trying to be quiet, but Val’s eyes were already open.
“I’m awake,” she said, yawning and stretching. “Just waiting for you to get up.”
She sat up and rubbed her eyes. Her unruly hair was flattened on one side, and she looked sleepy and a bit goofy. So why did he find her so hot?
Down, boy. She was a succubus, so the lust was a given, but he shouldn’t be feeling the effects at this distance. He shook his head. What was he thinking? He didn’t need Lola to make him feel that way toward Val. She did that all on her own. Not just because she was cute and sexy, in a not-even-trying kind of way. Bu
t despite all the crap she’d been through, she was compassionate, strong, and always did the right thing.
Unfortunately, he’d added to her problems when he made love to her. He didn’t regret the act itself, but losing her virginity had made her lose the strength, speed, and healing abilities she needed. How could she forgive him for that? Heck, how could he forgive himself?
The fact that she still wanted him even now should make him feel like the luckiest guy in the world. So why was he so convinced it wouldn’t last?
It all came back to Dina and that cursed amulet. The thought of getting caught up in another relationship that would leave him alone sickened him.
Another relationship? Where had that thought come from?
It didn’t matter. The point was, he was too unsettled right now to be in a relationship with anyone. Until he got his act together, he couldn’t let his problems affect anyone else in his life.
“You okay?” Val asked, blinking at him.
Shade rubbed a hand over his face, not realizing until now that he’d been staring at her, lost in thought. “I’m fine.”
Princess pawed at his leg. FOOD NOW, she insisted.
“Okay, okay,” he said, grateful for the distraction. “Let me see what there is.”
Val got up off the couch, having slept in the clothes she wore yesterday, and padded into the kitchen after him. “Gwen left some chicken, rice, and yogurt meals for Princess. You just need to heat it up.”
BLEH, Princess said, and he could hear her pout. I WANT REAL FOOD.
WELL, YOU’RE NOT GETTING IT, Fang said. YOU’RE EATING FOR OUR KIDS, AND I WANT THEM TO BE HEALTHY. He perked up when Shade opened the refrigerator. HEY, IS THAT LEFTOVER PIZZA?
Shade glanced down at Fang with a smile. “Maybe you should set a good example.”
MAYBE YOU SHOULD MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, Fang retorted. PRINCESS IS THE ONE WHO’S KNOCKED UP, NOT ME.
Shade shrugged. “I don’t care what you eat.” A hellhound’s metabolism was different than a normal dog’s, and they could eat just about anything without it affecting their health. But no one wanted to take any chances with Princess while she was pregnant, just in case.
