by Parker Blue
“No,” she yelled, looking totally pissed off. “Don’t you get it? I don’t know anything about any of this. That’s why I came to find Shawn, so we could figure it out.”
“She doesn’t know,” Shade/Shawn said, his brow still creased with agony. “Stop badgering her.”
I bit my lip. I didn’t want to cause Shade any more pain, but we needed to get to the bottom of this, find out who was hunting them.
“Shadow Boy?” Sharra said, her lips trembling and her eyes pleading with Shade to notice her.
He sighed, looking his normal self again. “Hello, Sunshine Girl. What took you so long?”
With a smothered cry, she flew into his arms. That meant she let go of the little dog, and her enthusiasm knocked Shade out of Mood’s grasp, so it was the weirdest thing watching the dark and light ribbons of interdimensional energy wind through them . . . like some sort of weird video game.
Surreptitiously, I used the amulet to read Shade’s face. A softer emotion filled Shade’s expression. He obviously loved his sister. The sister he knew years ago, anyway.
Well, Shade might be willing to trust her, but I wasn’t sure I did. “Shade, can I speak to you . . . alone?” I asked. When everyone stared at me, I added, “As your Paladin, I have a few questions to ensure your safety.”
“We don’t need Paladins,” Sharra spat out. “Tell her, Shadow Boy.”
“Call me Shade,” Shade said with a wry grin. “Shawn doesn’t fit me anymore, and I’m no longer a boy.”
Yeah, I could vouch for that.
“Look, Sharra, I understand why you feel that way about Val,” Shade said. “But Val is more than just a Paladin. She’s my friend, too.”
Just his friend? Pain stabbed somewhere in the region of my heart.
“Where would you like to talk?” Shade asked.
I glanced at Micah. This was one of the quietest places in the noisy club. “Where can we go where it won’t be too noisy?” I asked.
Micah glanced around uncertainly. “Well, if you don’t mind the bathroom . . .”
Close quarters, but it would work. “Okay. Shade, if you don’t mind?”
“Of course,” he said. He was all swirls and obviously thought no one could see him. But I could. The amulet showed his tight expression. Pain still flickered across his face, probably from the memory cascade.
I glanced around at the people watching us and waggled my fingers at them. “Talk amongst yourselves.” With any luck, their chatter would make it difficult for Austin to overhear my conversation with Shade. We didn’t have enough privacy as it was.
Austin looked amused, as if he knew what I was doing. I didn’t care, so long as it worked.
We closed the door behind us. Since the bathroom had a shower as well as a toilet and sink, it wasn’t too tight a fit. I didn’t touch him. Let him think I couldn’t see his expression.
“Are you sure you trust her?” I asked.
His eyes seemed troubled. “I think so. The Sharra I used to know, yes. She was very much a people pleaser. But I haven’t seen her in five years, though it feels like yesterday.” He shook his head. “I’d like to tell you ‘heck yes, I trust her,’ but I don’t know my sister anymore. A lot could change in five years.”
“Do you believe her? Do you think she’s behind these attacks?”
Irritation flashed across his features. “I don’t know why she would be. What would she have to gain?”
“Maybe so she’d be the only shadow demon, as Austin suggested.”
He huffed in disbelief. “Like that’s an advantage? It doesn’t make sense. I’m inclined to believe her.”
“And what about me being a Paladin? I’m not this Diesel. Do you have something against me, too, because of my position?”
He thought for a moment. “I’d like to say no, but I don’t know.” He rubbed his forehead, looking very tired. “To tell you the truth, everything I think and feel and remember is all mixed up. I need to sort it out. It’ll take time.”
You can help, the amulet whispered. Yeah, better me than Mood. “Time . . . and Mood?” I asked.
“No, I don’t need Mood for that. In fact, she would be a hindrance, unless I get angry. I need to learn to deal with this without her help.”
Yay. “If you don’t want Mood in your face, I can help with that.”
“How?”
“Well, if I use the amulet to help you, she won’t be able to force you to feel any way you don’t want to.” At least, that’s how I assumed it would work.
Yes. Use me.
Only if I had to, I promised myself. But it was looking more and more like that was the case.
“No, but you could force me.” Revulsion flashed across his face, though he didn’t know I could see it.
Crap. He was repulsed? Maybe this sneak peek of his expression wasn’t all that great after all. “I could force you,” I conceded. “But I won’t. If you need to heal in your own time, I’m good with that.”
“Are you sure you don’t just want an excuse to use the amulet?” he asked suspiciously.
Well, maybe. But what I really wanted was to be close to Shade. “I could use Lola. Only if you want, of course. Instead of having Mood tell you how to feel, Lola could.” The reasoning was a bit convoluted, but I hoped it made sense to him.
He shook his head. “You mean you want Lola to feed on me?”
“No, that’s not what I meant at all,” I protested. “I don’t need—” I broke off before I stuck my foot totally in my mouth.
“You don’t need what, Val?” His eyes narrowed. “You don’t need me because you’ve already fed elsewhere? Come to think of it, I do feel Lola’s pull more now than I did earlier this evening. She’s stronger.” He glanced at the door as if he could see through it. “You fed on Austin, didn’t you?”
“I had to,” I said defensively. “You wouldn’t let Lola feed on you, and Micah ordered me to tank up.”
Shade looked pained and a little ticked. “But did it have to be Austin?”
“He volunteered,” I said weakly. Was that jealousy I saw on his face? That could be a good thing.
His mouth twisted. “And you accepted because he’s totally hot, and you have a thing for the bloodsucker, right?”
“No!” Okay, maybe I enjoyed it more than I wanted to, but that wasn’t the reason I did it. Was it? “Micah told me to,” I repeated lamely.
Shade just gave me a disbelieving look.
A little ticked off myself now, I said, “What do you want from me, Shade? You don’t want me, but you don’t want me to feed on anyone else, when you know I have no choice—I have to feed, or I might as well paint a target on my back and stand in a deserted alley.”
“Maybe if I didn’t suspect you enjoyed it too much,” he said, frowning.
Crap. That’s almost exactly what I said to Austin. “Let’s be real, here,” I said, fuming. “When Lola sucks up lustful energy, it feels good, yes. It feels reeeeeal good. That’s the nature of being a succubus. I can’t help it, any more than you can help being a shadow demon.”
“I know that—”
“Yeah, you know that, but you still push me away, push me into the lustful field of other men because you can’t figure out if you love me or hate me.”
He looked taken aback, not to mention bewildered. “I don’t hate you, Val.”
“Don’t you?”
“No, of course not.”
I decided to lay it all on the line. “Well, I don’t know much about psychology, but even I can see you have abandonment issues.” Thanks to his lovely family, though I didn’t say that part out loud.
“What does that mean?”
“That means that when I left you with Dina, you thought I abandoned you like everyone else. You can’t handle it
, so you’re pushing me away. You can’t accept me. You don’t trust me. So you push.”
“You think that?” he asked, looking surprised.
“Think about it. You may not have realized it consciously, but subconsciously, you were blaming your father, your sister, and me for leaving you. You can’t stand for it to happen again.”
“And my mother,” he murmured.
“What?”
“Never mind,” he said and wiped a hand across his face, looking weary. “Maybe you’re right.”
“I am,” I insisted. “And maybe you need to get some real help—not just Mood to alter how you feel or Elspeth to help with sorting out your memories. You need therapy to sort through your issues.” More gently, I added, “Until then, you’re not going to trust me, or your sister, or anyone else not to abandon you again.” I shrugged. “And, quite frankly, you’re still going to blame me for being a succubus. I can’t deny my nature, you know. It has nothing to do with you, except for the fact that you choose not to let me feed on you. You choose not to let me get close. You choose the very things that make you feel abandoned.”
He thought for a few moments. “Okay, maybe you’re right. Where does that leave us?”
“Waiting for you to get your act together, I guess.” Suddenly, I felt weary of constantly being the one to fight for this relationship. “But don’t take too long.” I stared straight into his eyes to ensure the next part sank in. “Because I’m not promising to wait for you.”
My eyes stung after that. To keep Shade from noticing, I walked past him to grab the doorknob. “So, you won’t disappoint Micah, will you? You’re going to let me do my job and protect you?”
“Yes, I’ll do that,” Shade said behind me. I couldn’t decipher the tone of his voice. Accepting? Tight? Annoyed? I didn’t know, and right now, I didn’t care. “Good,” I said shortly and walked out the door.
“Okay, everyone,” I said. “Shade and I have an understanding. He’s going to let me protect him, and I’m going to do that to the best of my ability.” I glared at everyone. “But you are all going to give him the time he needs to deal with his newly acquired memories, is that understood?”
General agreement from the room, though Mood and Sharra looked mulish.
Austin was his normal amused self. “Yes, ma’am,” he said crisply.
“And you,” I said, staring at Mood, “are not going to alter his emotions unless he becomes angry and a threat to the rest of us. Is that understood?”
Mood folded her arms across her chest. “You can’t tell me what to do.”
“Actually, she can,” Micah said. “It’s the Paladin’s place to protect us by whatever means she sees fit. I trust her. You should, too.”
Yay, me. Maybe this Paladin gig wasn’t so bad after all.
“Yes,” Elspeth said. “The soothsayers do not make mistakes when it comes to choosing a Paladin. You must do as she says.”
Mood looked pissed, but didn’t talk back any more.
Well, it was nice to have back-up. Surprising, but nice. Maybe I should have asserted myself earlier.
“So, Slayer . . . Paladin,” Austin drawled. “What’s next?”
Heck if I knew.
Chapter Sixteen
Shade
SHADE INVITED Sharra to join him at the penthouse, wanting to get reacquainted with his newly-remembered sister. How could he have forgotten someone who had been such an important part of his life? Austin and Val sat in the front seat of Austin’s car while Shade rode in the back with Sharra. He didn’t want to talk to Sharra with anyone listening in, so he mentally replayed the argument he and Val had just had.
Was Val right? Had the memories of the past left him unwilling to care for someone else, to care for Val, for fear she’d abandon him, too? There might be something to that, he acknowledged, and was probably the reason he’d been pushing her away after she left him with Dina. But was it relevant now?
She’d basically given him an ultimatum—put up or shut up. His first instinct had been to fight for her, fight for their relationship. But that was selfish. He wanted her, he wanted to be with her, but wasn’t sure they were good for each other. Val had lost part of her mojo because of him and their lovemaking, and in turn, he wasn’t sure he could handle his emotions around her. Especially since she still shared Lola with Austin.
Shade closed his eyes against the thought. Val and Austin together, sharing lust . . . and what else? Angry jealousy surged through him. And that—that emotion—was why he’d ignored his first instinct. Maybe keeping Val at arm’s-length was the best thing for both of them.
Staying calm and centered was the key to keeping his act together, to ensure he didn’t provide an opening for more demons to come into this dimension. The thought terrified him, had always terrified him, and he realized he’d always taken his belief for granted: Portal, bad. No emotions, good.
But now that his memories were starting to integrate, he realized where that imperative came from—his father. Not only had his father belabored the need for the twins to control their anger whenever he had the chance, but his trial for accidentally opening a portal himself and his subsequent suicide really hammered it home. Portal bad. Definitely.
Shade sighed. When he and Val had made love that first time, he hadn’t had to worry about any of this crap. He’d thought he could have a normal relationship, maybe even have a normal life like other people, despite his demon heritage. But that all went south in a hurry when he started getting angry and creating portals . . . just like his father.
He couldn’t afford to let himself care for Val. Couldn’t afford to let jealousy or anger control him and lead to the unthinkable. But he was also unwilling to give Val up entirely. Was it possible he could find some way to stay with her and keep an emotional even keel at the same time? If he couldn’t, he’d have to give her up.
They arrived at the penthouse, and Austin waved in the direction of the bedrooms. “There are plenty of rooms,” he told Sharra. “Pick one. You can use it as long as you like.”
Sharra nodded. “Where’s yours?” she asked Shade.
He nodded toward his, saying, “The one next to it is empty.”
“Good,” she said. “I’ll take it.” Giving Val and Austin a frown, she said to Shade, “Can we talk privately?”
“Sure.” He gestured her into his room.
Fang looked up from where he lay next to the puppies. WHO’S THIS? he asked suspiciously.
“This is my twin sister, Sharra,” Shade said. “Sharra, this is Fang, Val’s hellhound. And my hellhound, Princess, with their puppies.”
Fang’s jaw dropped open. Whether in surprise or amusement, Shade wasn’t sure. YOU HAVE A SISTER? the hellhound asked incredulously.
“Yes. I forgot about her until a little while ago, but now I remember. Show him, Sharra.”
Sharra obediently raised her hand from the miniature dog and went all swirly as Shade let Fang and Princess read in his mind everything that had just happened.
GOOD, Princess pronounced. IT IS GOOD TO HAVE FAMILY.
“It is,” Sharra agreed, and resumed petting her dog. She craned her neck for a look at the puppies, snuggled up warm and cozy next to their mother. “They’re adorable.”
THEY ARE, AREN’T THEY? Princess said smugly.
Shade grinned. “Good job, there.” He closed the door and sat on the floor next to Princess so he could pet her and gestured Sharra toward the chair.
She sat, still touching her little dog, who had perked up for once and was staring with interest at the canine family on the floor.
“Thanks for that,” Shade said, nodding toward her purse dog. “It’s good to ‘see’ you.”
She smiled. “I know what you mean. It’s been so long since I’ve seen your face, I almost forgot what you looked like
. You’ve changed.”
Yeah, even when they still lived together, they hadn’t seen each others’ faces very often since they hadn’t known anyone who could ground them in this world. It was great to be able to really see her. “Five years will do that to a person. You’ve changed, too.” She was still pretty, though. “You look a lot like Mom.”
Sadness flitted over her face and she grimaced. “I know. You do, too, in a masculine kind of way. It hurts sometimes, you know.”
Shade nodded, though in reality, he didn’t really know. Since he hadn’t been able to remember his mother, it hadn’t been an issue. And he didn’t often catch his own reflection, either. “That was pretty smart of you, to find a dog you can carry around.”
YOU CAN CARRY ME IF YOU WANT TO, Princess said. ONCE MY BABIES ARE WEANED.
Shade grinned down at his hellhound. “Thanks, but it would be a little more awkward to carry you than that little thing Sharra has.”
HEY, WATCH IT, Fang said. DON’T HURT HER FEELINGS.
“I wasn’t talking about her weight,” Shade explained. “But I can’t exactly carry a purse.”
GOOD CATCH, Fang said privately.
No, it was the truth.
Sharra looked back and forth between them. “Is it always like this, having a hellhound?”
“Well, I don’t usually have two around all the time, but these days, Fang goes where Princess goes. Isn’t that right, buddy?”
YEAH, YEAH, Fang said. BUT ENOUGH WITH THE CHIT CHAT. YOU TWO HAVE AVOIDED THE IMPORTANT STUFF LONG ENOUGH. TALK TO EACH OTHER.
Sharra looked sheepish, and Shade imagined he did, too. Fang was right—he was trying very hard not to talk about the past . . . or the present, for that matter. Both were painful.
“I’m sorry,” Sharra said, looking down at the puppies to avoid meeting his eyes.
“About what?”
“You know. About blaming you for everything. Right before Dad . . . died.”
Pain bloomed within him as he relived that memory. The pain he hadn’t been able to handle when he was sixteen was the reason he’d had the Lethe remove his memories. He opened his mouth to tell her it was okay, but it wasn’t okay. He wouldn’t lie. She was the only person he had left in his family, and she’d deserted him when he needed her most. The newly retrieved memory was too fresh in his mind to just let it slide.
