by J. L. Beck
“Fuck!” The acid in my voice rained down on me as I hung up, refusing to leave yet another pleading voicemail for her to come back. If she hadn’t come back yet, she wasn’t going to.
She loves you. I tried to hone in on the voice that repeated the same three words throughout the day. This had to be some ploy that she was planning. She was going to come back or I was going to bring her back kicking and screaming. There was no fucking way I was letting her go.
Pulling on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt I got ready for the day refusing to mope around in bed all day. I was going to go out and find Brooke, be it between classes, at the dorms or in the mess hall. I would fucking find her and bring her back here.
I slipped into a pair of Nikes and shoved my wallet and keys into my pocket. I let the fact that I wouldn’t take no for an answer from Brooke cool my heated blood. I didn’t want to be a hothead when I came face to face with her again. A day was hard enough, a week without seeing her was literally killing me.
The walk to campus was short and a bit warm as the sun peeked out from beneath the clouds. I watched a group of college kids outside one of the dorms on the south side of the courtyard playing a game of football.
I could go to the admission’s office and ask for Brooke’s dorm room number, or I could sneak around for a bit until I saw her. She would have to appear at some point in time.
There was a bench about a hundred feet away and a small café off to the right side of the courtyard. I knew Brooke had the majority of her classes on this side of the campus because she was adamant on living on this side of the campus once she discovered that the Business and Arts Halls were on the same side. That was before my father made me quit and join his company.
I tapped my fingers idly against my jeans, wondering where the hell I had gone wrong with Brooke. Had I pushed her so far that she felt leaving was the only way things could end right between us? Didn’t she know that if I were forced to go without her I would lose my ever-loving mind?
“You need to understand something Brooke. Boys will be boys but men, men are so much better…” I swung around in the direction of the voice I heard, my eyes lighting up and my entire body moving without thought in the direction of Brooke and a woman who I recognized as Allie, the girl who wasn’t supposed to be her dormmate.
They were walking in the direction of the Sapphire Dorms. I had pieced the entire thing together in a short amount of time realizing that Brooke had taken all her stuff and moved in with Allie here at the dorms, keeping herself close but completely out of arm’s reach.
“Brooke…” My voice cracked as I said her name. I jogged up to her and Allie, my eyes drifting over Brooke’s ramrod straight form. Allie twisted around first giving me a dirty look before Brooke turned, her eyes revealing a reflection of my own emotions.
“Zane?” She seemed shocked that I was here. Did she think that I would just let her walk away? That I wouldn’t give chase when she ran? I loved her and cared for her and I wasn’t stupid. I knew any smart man would snag her up given the chance and I wasn’t going to let that happen.
“We need to talk…” I huffed out a breath, pleading with her to let me take her somewhere so we could discuss things. I couldn’t live another day without her. Brooke stared at me like a fish out of water.
“Zane…” Brooke looked between Allie and me. “I have classes and plans. I can’t…” I didn’t let her finish. I couldn’t. Gripping her hand in mine, I let the warmth of her touch warm me all over.
“I just need to talk to you. I need answers Brooke.” The pain that laced my words was something I knew she could feel. I knew the moment Brooke caved because her walls seemed to crumble the longer I held her hand in mine.
“Ten minutes Zane…” Brooke tried to sound strong and Allie rolled her eyes walking away before Brooke could say anything to her. I knew I had this in the bag and tried my hardest to hide the smile that wanted to grace my lips.
“I’m not asking for anything other than your time and words,” I announced, letting her drag me to the nearest bench. She shoved down onto the hard bench, releasing my hand and placing hers in her lap.
I twisted to face her, my eyes drifting over her tight features. She was trying to mask her fears and pain but I had known her long enough to know she was suffering as much as I was and there was no hiding it.
“I wasn’t lying to you Zane. We cannot do this anymore.” Her coffee brown eyes refused to meet mine.
“I can’t go without you Brooke. I’m a fucking mess.” I cut straight to the chase, letting her know exactly how life was for me without her.
She shook her head, pieces of hair falling from behind her ear and onto her face. The urge to push those locks away from her face was strong but I withheld myself, questioning if it would only make her run.
“It kills me too Zane. You aren’t the only one suffering but this…” her voice cracked and her eyes watered with unshed tears as she stared at me. I didn’t understand why she was doing this. If it was hurting her just as badly, why was she doing it at all?
“You can’t lie to me Brooke. I know your body better than you do. I know how you look when you fall apart, what makes you happy and sad. I know you inside and out and if this is hurting you as much as it is me, then why?” I was on the verge of yelling, my voice rising more with every word I spoke.
Tears slipped from her eyes and down her smooth cheeks. I flicked them away with my thumb, cupping her cheek against my palm as I leaned into her face. Her lips were right there, full and rosy red, begging for me to kiss them.
“We can’t do this anymore Zane. You have to stop trying. I’m sorry.” She swallowed down the pain like a tight pill refusing to give me the emotions I knew she was feeling.
“Sorry…?” Pain ached from my throat. “I love you Brooke. I fucking love you. You can’t just leave me like this…” I growled, my touch gentle as I forced her eyes to meet mine. Every emotion she had slipped from her face.
“We’re done. Don’t come back here again and stop calling and texting me. I told you we couldn’t do this anymore. I warned you and all you did was try and convince me otherwise.” There was no changing her mind.
Her words were like a slap to the fucking face. I pulled away from her as if she had burnt me and she had, my heart was aching, my body threatening to explode with rage.
My nails dug into my palm as I shoved from the bench, rage that burned as hot as the sun raced through my veins. She was everything to me and losing her wasn’t something I could ever imagine. It just wasn’t.
“Don’t pretend that you don’t love me Brooke. Don’t even fucking try and lie to me because I know you too well. I know this is all a fucking ploy. Our parents will learn to get over whatever it is that they hate about us being together. Don’t let them take this from us Brooke.” I was pleading, giving her my last ounce of compassion. I wouldn’t give up on Brooke no matter what she said but after the last week of her being gone without even an answer or text message, I needed to distance myself. I needed to cool off before I approached her again because clearly she wasn’t ready to talk to me.
“Don’t come back here again Zane or I will contact campus security.” The words she spoke echoed through me. My jaw clenched tightly together, my teeth grinding against each other. I bit my tongue watching her get up and walk away in the direction of her dorm room.
“I love you Brooke…” I jogged across the short space that separated us reaching for her hand. My tight grip stopped her dead in her tracks. A pained expression crossed her features and I released her immediately. I would never hurt her, never, at least not intentionally.
“It’s not enough Zane,” she snapped, her eyes going down to my hands that now rested at my sides. My heart was beating impossibly hard against my rib cage. It wasn’t enough? How? How wasn’t it enough?
“What do you mean? I love you Brooke. I want this to work between us. I don’t care about our parents. I don’t care about what anyone else has to say…
Why do you care so much?” I threw my hands in the air in frustration earning Brooke and me a few looks from people passing by.
Brooke leaned into my face, her floral scent slamming into my gut. “I care because my education matters to me Zane. I care because I know when, not if they find out, everything we ever worked for will be ripped away from us.” I tried to reason with myself in that moment. I tried to tell myself that her feelings were real and the fears she had meant something to her, but all I felt was betrayal.
It hit me then that there was no winning her back and that hurt. It hurt more than anything I had ever felt before.
“You know what Brooke, you’re right. There’s no point… None at all…” I took a step away from her and then another, watching as her face fell and the wall she had put up between us crumbled to the ground.
“Zane…” she called out to me but I was too far gone to care. I couldn’t stick around when she didn’t want me. I wouldn’t be that puppy that was kicked time and time again but still came back because he wanted to be loved more than anything.
Brooke didn’t want me. She couldn’t face our parents head-on for whatever reason and that hurt me. It broke me.
I walked back to the house that we had shared, the house that was now empty of memories and love. It was just me now.
Tears filled my eyes but refused to fall. I would put my all into pleasing my father and hopefully that would keep my mind off of Brooke.
It would have to. Because not having her when she was the only thing I ever wanted was going to kill me.
It already was.
Three weeks later
I stared down at the white stick, wondering what I would do with the answer it gave me. Time ticked away, the seconds seeming to take forever to pass. My period was over a month late. How I had gone without realizing it, I don’t know.
A knot of anxiety formed in the pit of my stomach. After the way that I had treated Zane, I wasn’t even sure he would answer my phone call when I called him. Hell maybe he had moved on by now?
My eyes drifted from my reflection in the mirror and down to the pregnancy test sitting on the bathroom vanity. The words pregnant blinked back at me. My knees went weak wobbling with the results of the test. My back landed against the wall behind me, the only support keeping me up right.
“Oh God no…” My voice was barely audible. The air refused to enter my lungs, causing them to tighten with stale oxygen. I didn’t know what I was going to say to Zane or even if I was going to get the chance to. I hadn’t talked to him in three weeks, not since I told him we couldn’t be together anymore.
It took everything in me to let him walk away that day. The image of his father’s face was burned in my mind reminding me of why I had to let him go but now, with this there was no hiding it. I couldn’t hide being pregnant from our parents.
“It was all for nothing…” The words bounced off the walls of the bathroom filtering into my head. I had done it all for nothing. I had pushed him away and said things I could never take back and now I was the one that would have to go begging for his forgiveness, all because I thought I was doing the right thing.
Tears slipped from my eyes and down my cheeks. I stared at the woman in the mirror wondering how I had gotten here. I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was protecting both Zane and me when I was really just hurting us.
I squeezed my eyes shut, my nails digging into my palm painfully. I wanted to be numb of all the different emotions I was currently feeling but I knew I couldn’t be. There was a baby growing inside of me- mine and Zane’s baby.
I flicked away the tears feeling weaker than I ever had before. The sound of my cell phone ringing in the bedroom down the hall met my ears. I walked slowly to the bedroom plucking the device up off the nightstand.
My mother’s name flashed across the screen and I sighed far louder than probably should be allowed.
“Yes mother?” I squeaked, answering the phone with a slide of my finger.
“Goodness gracious Brooke. What took you so long?” My teeth ground together. Not only did I have to give up Zane for my mother in order to keep my education, but I also had to answer her phone calls as soon as she called.
“I was in the bathroom and my phone was in the other room charging.” I tried to sound like I wasn’t irritated but I was. The surprise pregnancy, coupled with everything going on with Zane, and then his father threatening me made it nearly impossible for me to stay on the phone.
“Oh well next time try and get to the phone sooner. When you answer on the last ring it makes me feel as if I’m unimportant…” Her voice trailed off in my mind as I made note of the fact that she hated when I answered on the last ring.
“We’re having dinner tonight at Sax’s Steakhouse for Zane’s birthday… I wanted to remind you in case you decided to skip out…” When she said Zane’s name my ears perked up and my eyes opened wider.
Oh shit. It was Zane’s Birthday.
“Of course…” I paused. “I couldn’t ever forget my stepbrother’s birthday. I’ll be there, what time again?” I acted as if she had said something to me before, when in reality she hadn’t. I would’ve remembered had she said something about Zane.
“Perfect sweetie. I want you looking your best. Zane’s bringing his new girlfriend tonight and first impressions as you know are the most important.” Black spots formed before my eyes and my body swayed. I grabbed onto the leather sofa trying to right myself.
His new girlfriend.
I couldn’t even form words, my mouth going dry. He had moved on already? How had he moved on so fast? I was flabbergasted and completely taken back by my mother’s words that I failed to notice she was still talking.
“Did you hear me Brooklynn?” My mother’s impatient tone vibrated in my ear. I licked my dry lips, trying to stifle back the emotions that would most definitely fill my voice.
“Yes I did.” My voice cracked and with it, so did my heart.
“Good I will see you tonight at seven.” She hung up seconds later. There was no love you, or how are you doing? I pulled the phone away from my ear. The tears that had been threatening to fall came cascading down my cheeks. I sucked in a breath and then another but it didn’t feel like I was breathing. It felt like I was suffocating, just barely getting enough oxygen into my bloodstream to survive.
“He’s… he’s found someone else…” I said the words out loud, thinking maybe if I said them they would have less of an effect on me but they didn’t. They made it all that more real.
I moved, slamming down onto the leather couch, my hands grabbing for a nearby pillow. I could make it through this. I just needed to get out of my head. I needed to let the pain go. If he had moved on, then he had. It just meant that me telling him about the baby wouldn’t change anything between us.
And maybe that was the knife to my heart, the one thing that sent me over the edge. The fact that if he had found someone new that I would be nothing but old news and the baby that grew inside of me, while maybe he or she wouldn’t matter to Zane, then maybe neither would I.
With each tear that fell a piece of my heart flaked away, never to return again. Every second without Zane was a death sentence and now I knew there was never going to be a happy ever after for us.
Somehow I had managed to clean myself up. My mother’s disapproving look followed me at every turn while I tried on three different dresses. Every single one was snug in the middle, the place that I was now growing outward.
I looked at my phone watching the clock, knowing if I didn’t leave the house now I wouldn’t make it to dinner on time. I went with the flowery summer dress, knowing that it was the least likely to show my pudge. I blinked away the tears and pushed the emotions that threatened to swarm me down as I drove to Sax’s. I arrived with ten minutes to spare. It was downtown so parking was a bitch, though I managed to find some at a nearby parking garage.
I had just started walking in the direction of the restaurant when my phon
e buzzed in my purse. I pulled it out frantically hoping that it wasn’t my mother but knowing it couldn’t be anyone else. Zane wouldn’t be texting me. Would he?
I swiped a finger across the screen, Zane’s name appearing with a text message attached to it that said: You coming tonight? Three words. After all this time he said three words to me.
I bit the inside of my cheek, just grateful that he had time to remember me now that he had a new girlfriend. I waltzed into the five star steak restaurant and was greeted with a mirage of scents. My stomach churned and my lunch threatened to come up onto the marble floor I was standing on.
“I’m with the Masters party,” I announced, greeting the hostess with a smile. Her eyes dropped down to the list in front of her before coming back up to me.
“Right this way.” She gave me a once over look and headed in the direction of the table. The air in my chest stilled as I took notice of everyone who was at the table. My mother, Gerald, Zane, and a brunette bombshell that I could only assume to be Zane’s new girlfriend.
The hostess led me to the table and then skipped away. She had no idea she had lead me into the pits of hell.
“Brooke….” Zane said my name like he had been dying to say it for days. He shoved away from the table, a look of fear coupled with pain lingered in his green-blue eyes.
“Zane.” I tipped my chin at him acknowledging his presence but refusing to go to him. A look of pure disapproval formed on his features as I took the only open seat next to my mother.
“It’s so nice of you to make it Brooke, is there a reason you’re late?” My mother’s voice was anything but nice.
“The traffic was horrible and parking was even worse.” I sighed, knowing this was going to be the dinner from hell. Honestly, I wasn’t even sure why I had agreed to come in the first place.
