by Amy Harmon
“Nice,” Mrs. Keller said.
“I didn’t want to go dark table and chairs right next to dark floor, so I think this sisal rug under the table is a good option. It breaks up the dark wood. And this buffet is such a good size. You really won’t lose any storage when we get rid of the hutch. Mrs. Keller, for art in here, I’d like to use the plates. I thought we could hang them on the wall above the buffet.”
“I love that. We don’t use them any more anyway,” she said.
“That’s a wonderful idea,” Mr. Keller said.
“They’re so lovely and meaningful, I just thought it would be nice for people to be able to see them.”
Mrs. Keller wiped away a tear and Mr. Keller put his arm around her. “You just scored some serious points,” he said.
I showed the Kellers the last few design elements. “Do you have any questions?” I asked.
“When can you start?” Mr. Keller said. I took a deep breath and tried not to show too much excitement.
“I love it. I absolutely love it,” Mrs. Keller said. “I love everything about it. Let’s do it.”
My portfolio and sample board were the only things that kept me from floating away as I walked to the car. They liked my design. They had no problem with the cost and they were understanding about my work schedule at the bank. It couldn’t have gone any better.
* * *
The savory aroma of Pok Pok’s chicken Khao Soi filled my car. I’d driven around this neighborhood for at least ten minutes trying to find a familiar landmark. Why hadn’t I paid more attention either time I’d been to Chad’s house? Maybe I wouldn’t find it and I’d have to take the food home and eat it myself. It smelled so good, it was tempting.
And then I saw Cal’s Video Connection, the little store where we’d rented Pride and Prejudice. Okay, now I was on the right track. I turned down a familiar looking street and then turned once more and there it was.
Chad’s house was dark except for a light shining from a back window. I parked the car in front of his house, grabbed the bag of takeout and the card I’d written earlier in the day and walked to the dark front porch. The doorbell chimed a little tune but no one came to the door.
Now what? I should have called first. This idea to surprise him with dinner and a thank you note was a bad idea. I couldn’t leave the food on his front porch. It smelled so good a hungry animal would surely come to investigate. I stuck the note in the old-fashioned mail slot beside the door. As soon as it slipped out of my hand, I worried the mail slot had been built over on the inside and my card had just disappeared forever inside the wall.
What was I doing? I shouldn’t have come by. I should have called him instead. No, I should have just texted a sincere thank you and been done with it.
But that hadn’t seemed like enough. I had my first interior design job and it was all thanks to Chad. I wanted him to know how grateful I was and a text just didn’t cut it. Dinner and a card did, but here I stood with rapidly cooling takeout, a missing card, and an empty house.
I trudged down the sidewalk back to the car. I was just opening the door when Chad’s car pulled into the driveway. Instead of pulling into the little garage behind the house, Chad left the car running in the driveway and started toward me. I could see his smile illuminated by the streetlight.
“Lizzie,” he said with enthusiasm. “Congratulations!”
“So you’ve heard?”
“I talked to my mom this afternoon. You blew them away. Mom said you even made her cry.”
Chad stopped a few feet from where I stood by the driver’s door.
“They were really nice and I’m so glad they liked it.”
“They didn’t like it. They loved it. I wish I’d have been there. I’d have liked to see what you came up with.”
I thought about my portfolio and the sample board sitting in the back seat of my car. I wanted to show it to him. I wanted to lay out the entire design. I wanted to watch his reaction as I unveiled each idea.
Did I want to show him because I was proud of it or because I just wanted to prolong my time with him? I knew both answers were yes and the realization that I wanted to spend more time with him made me stay quiet. It wouldn’t be right. I was dating Matt. It was important that Chad and I keep things friendly and my shortness of breath and the tugging in my stomach told me it would be easier to keep things friendly if I didn’t go inside. If Chad felt the same way, it wouldn’t be fair to him.
“I’m excited for you to see it,” I said. “I’m pretty happy with the way it came out. Now if I can just make the whole thing look as good finished as it does in my head, I’ll be thrilled.”
“I’m sure you’ll do great,” Chad said.
An awkward pause ensued. Little clouds of cold air escaped our mouths as we breathed. I tried to keep my breath slow and steady. I didn’t want my feelings to be apparent from my nervous, shallow puffs.
Chad tugged on his stocking cap, pulling it over his ears. “Do you want to come in?” he finally said.
“No. No, I can’t. Thanks though.”
“Was there a reason you stopped by?”
“Oh, yes,” I said. My cheeks were burning. “I wanted to say thank you, so I got you some takeout. It’s from Pok Pok.”
“Ah, the Thai place you told me about.”
“That’s the one.”
“I still haven’t eaten there.”
“I also put a card in your mail slot. Please tell me that goes into the house and it isn’t a black hole.”
One side of Chad’s mouth rose into a small smile. “It goes into the house. I’ll get it when I go inside.”
“Good.” Another self-conscious pause.
“Are you sure you don’t want to stay? And eat with me?” I shook my head. “I wish you would. I just picked up some sweet and sour chicken and rice. I can’t eat all of this.”
I sighed. It would be so easy to just say yes and enjoy some good food and a pleasant conversation. But then what? “Oh Chad. I wish I could. I just can’t. But I’m sure this will still be good tomorrow. Just heat it up in the microwave.” Chad’s hopeful expression fell and a dump truck of sadness buried my heart under its load.
I shoved the bag of takeout toward him. “Here. Thank you.”
Chad took the bag with one hand placed it on the hood of the car at the same time that his other hand reached out and pulled me close. He circled his arms around me without saying a word.
For a moment I just stood there, fighting an internal battle. And then I surrendered and wrapped my arms around him. The cold no longer bothered me as his warmth surrounded me. He smelled faintly of soap and chlorine. His chin rested on my head. I fit here so perfectly.
“Your food’s going to get cold,” I finally said.
“I know.”
“And your car’s still running.”
“I know.”
Chad held me a little tighter.
“I really have to go,” I said but I didn’t move.
“I know.”
A few wonderful, agonizing minutes later I pulled away. Chad touched my cheek with his cold fingers and it took all my self-control not to take his hand between both of mine and hold it until it was warm.
He took a big step backwards putting more distance between us. “Thank you, Lizzie.”
“No. Thank you. So much.”
“You’re a good friend,” he said.
“So are you.” I nearly choked on the words.
Chad picked up the bag and stepped up to the sidewalk. I kept my eyes straight ahead until I was several houses away. When I glanced in the rear-view mirror, I saw Chad watching me leave. I turned up the volume on the radio and switched through the stations trying to find something that would distract me from the mess I was in. Nothing worked and I jammed the button angrily to turn it off.
What the crap was I doing? Why was I such a fool? Chad was a great guy but he wasn’t what I’d been dreaming of my whole life. I’d finally found that. Matt was it
for me and if I didn’t sabotage myself, I knew my dream would come true.
“Stop being so stupid!” I said aloud and slammed my hand on the steering wheel. “Don’t ruin everything. You’re the luckiest girl alive.”
I wished I were more convincing. I wanted to believe myself.
Chapter Seventeen
“What are you looking for?” I asked. I didn’t mean for my words to sound so sharp.
“The can opener.” Janessa closed one drawer and opened another.
“It’s in the dishwasher,” I said.
“Thanks.” Janessa opened a can of peaches. She ate a large bowl of cold peaches with peanut butter on toast at least once a week. She took a deep breath as she poured the peaches into a bowl. “Okay, Lizzie. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong. Sorry I snapped at you.”
“You’ve been snapping at me for three days now. Why are you in such a foul mood?”
“I guess I just have a lot on my mind.”
Janessa shook her head. “I was excited for you when you got the job for Chad’s mom, but if you’re going to be in a poopy mood for the next six weeks, I wish they’d have told you no.”
“It’s not the job. And I said I’m sorry.”
“If it’s not the job, then what is it? Are things okay with you and Fitswilliam?”
“I guess.” I ate a bite of mashed potatoes. They lodged against the lump in my throat and I thought I might gag.
“I guess? That’s the best you can do? No gushing? No drooling? No singing his aristocratic praises?”
“Please Janessa. Just stop. I’m not in the mood.” My appetite was gone. I vigorously scraped my plate into the garbage.
“Whoa. Not in the mood for what? You know I’m just teasing you.”
“I know. I don’t feel very teaseable right now. Sorry,” I said again. The lump in my throat was growing. I had to get out of here. “I’m going to go for a walk,” I said.
“Liz, wait. What’s wrong?” Janessa’s arm went around my shoulder and that was all it took. Why did I always start to cry when someone tried to comfort me? A tear escaped, burning my cheek.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” I said, collapsing into Janessa’s hug.
“Hey, it’s okay. Cry if it will make you feel better.”
I sniffed and pulled away. “It won’t make me feel better. I don’t even know why I’m crying.”
Janessa held my hand in hers and led me to the couch. “Let’s figure it out.” She snatched a tissue from the box on the table and handed it to me. “Seriously, how are things with Matt?”
I blew my nose and Janessa handed me the tissue box. “Matt’s good.”
“Is he still forcing his nasty food on you?”
I laughed. “No. He’s not even as adamant about his own food. Last time we had lunch he bought us both chicken tamales.”
“Is he still being funny about your job with Chad’s mom?”
“Not really. He hasn’t said a word about it since I told him on Sunday.”
“Are you nervous about the job?”
“Maybe a little. But mostly I’m just excited to get started.”
Janessa looked puzzled. “So it’s not the job and it’s not your honey, so what is it?” Janessa’s concern was touching but how could I tell her what I feared was really wrong? How could I tell her that even though I was dating the man of my dreams, I felt lonely for someone I couldn’t have? I was a terrible person. Greedy and selfish. I wanted Matt—handsome, interesting, perfect Matt. But I wanted to be friends with Chad. I wanted to talk to him and spend time with him even though I knew it would hurt him. The more I tried to put him out of my mind, the more frustrated I became.
“Maybe I’m just tired.”
“You know you can talk to me, right?” Janessa asked.
I nodded. “I know. And I promise I’d talk to you if I thought talking would help.”
Janessa searched my face so intensely I was afraid she’d read my traitorous thoughts. I picked up a throw pillow and twisted the fringe. “I really think I need a walk.”
“It’s dark outside. You’re not going alone.”
“I’ll be fine,” I said.
“No way are you going alone. I’ll come with you.”
“Thanks.”
It was a quiet, cold night. Sugar crystal stars filled the sky as we walked through the quiet streets of our neighborhood. I was glad Janessa had come with me. We talked about Urban Elegance. Janessa’s boss was sending her on a buying trip to New York in a few weeks. “I’d be more flattered if it felt like she trusted me,” Janessa said. “I have to send her photos of everything so she can make the final decision.
“Why doesn’t she just go herself?” I asked.
“Her daughter is in the high school play. I think she’s the one who marries the oldest brother in Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. Sue said she’s bought tickets to every performance. She’ll be watching her daughter sing and texting me yes or no on belts and dresses at the same time.”
I sighed. “Just take me with you. We’ll eat hot dogs on the street and see a Broadway play and…”
“You do know I’m going to work, right?”
“I know. Getting out of Portland just sounds so good right now.”
“Aren’t you going to Seattle with Matt soon?”
“We’re leaving next Saturday after I get off work. I’ll be back Sunday night.”
“Good. You can get out of Portland for a couple of days.”
“Going to Seattle with Matt and Meg for business isn’t exactly what I had in mind when I said I wanted to get out of Portland.”
“I know. But I’ll bet you’ll have a good time anyway.”
“I wish you could come with me. We’ll sneak away while they do business and buy cheese and crackers and smoked salmon at the market.”
“Cheese and crackers sound good but I want one of those marzipan Piroshky rolls. I’ve been craving one of those since the summer after high school graduation.”
“You ready to go?” Matt asked. He picked up the overnight bag sitting by the front door and leaned in close to kiss my cheek.
“I think I’ve got everything.”
“Is this your only bag?”
“We’re only going for one night. How much do I need?” I asked.
Matt laughed. “I’m sure you’re fine. I was just comparing your little bag here to Meg’s two big bags.”
Matt put my bag in the trunk of his BMW.
In the back seat, Meg was applying a bright shade of red lipstick. “Hi Meg,” I said as I got in the car.
“Hi, Elizabeth. Nice place,” Meg said. I ignored the haughty tone in her voice.
“Thanks. I like it.
Matt rubbed his hands together with enthusiasm. “Seattle, here we come,” he said and pulled out onto the street. Fifteen minutes later, we were speeding north on I-5.
“Matt, you said you wanted me to tell you about the authors I’ve lined up for spring and summer, Meg said. “Should I do that now?”
Matt looked at me with a question on his face. His concern about me made me happy. I smiled and shrugged.
“Sure, Meg, go ahead.”
I leaned my head back and closed my eyes as Meg pulled out a notebook and they discussed authors’ names and dates and books. Soon their voices were just a hum in the background as I drifted in and out of sleep.
“Hey, Elizabeth.” Matt’s voice brought me out of my haze. He squeezed my hand.
“Hmm? Did you say something?” I asked.
“Put your seat back a little. You’ll be more comfortable. There’s a button on the side.”
I felt for the button at the side of my seat and pushed it down. The seat gradually moved backward. I turned sideways in my seat and snuggled into the soft leather. “Thanks, Matt. Sorry I’m so tired.”
“Don’t worry. You might as well get a nap in now so you’ll be awake for dinner.” He covered my hand with his as I closed my eyes.
> “She’s a mountain of fun,” Meg said after a few minutes. I wanted to tell her I was still awake and could hear her, but it didn’t seem worth the effort.
“She’s just tired. She’s been working a lot lately,” Matt said
“For her other boyfriend?”
Even though my eyes were closed, I was suddenly very awake.
“Knock it off, Meg.”
“What? She can’t hear me. She’s asleep.” I kept my eyes closed and tried to look relaxed. “Elizabeth?” she said quietly in a sing-song voice. “Are you awake?” I held very still. “See she’s asleep. Maybe she should have stayed home with him.”
“She’s not working for him. She’s doing a job for his parents.” Matt’s voice sounded stern.
“You don’t have to make excuses for her. This is me you’re talking to and I already know it bothers you.”
Matt’s voice was low, almost a whisper. “This isn’t the time to talk about this.”
Meg’s voice lowered to the same tone as Matt’s. “Whatever.”
Even with the radio playing softly in the background, the car overflowed with a potpourri of conflicting feelings. Matt’s frustration and Meg’s dislike for me seemed to crash and stew around me. My own discomfort wrapped me up like a blanket. I didn’t like that Matt and Meg talked about me. She knew random bits of my life that were none of her business. She knew about Chad and my second job. She’d even bought me pantyhose. What else did she know about me?
I wanted to fall asleep again if only to escape the tension in the car but my mind, muddled and tired just a few minutes ago, was now sharp and busy and uncooperative. I willed my eyes to stay shut for several more minutes before I gave up and put my seat back in its upright position.
“Can’t sleep?” Matt asked kindly.
“I just needed a little power nap, I guess,” I said. I smiled at him and he linked his fingers through mine. I held his hand between both of mine.
Meg sat in the back seat, a silent wall of hostility filling the space around her.
