She felt like so much moldable clay within his grasp. She melted at his touch. Her body cried with needs that had been long ignored. She exhaled shakily, lips parted and glistening.
He gave her a small shake. “Talk to me,” he ordered softly.
Leah uttered a small cry and shut her eyes tightly. “Don’t do this to me!” she cried hoarsely, trying to break his embrace.
“No, you don’t.”
“Please!”
Gil frowned, but maintained his grip on her waist. His nostrils flared with frustration. “Tell me why you’re afraid,” he demanded.
She felt trapped in every way. “I can’t take it!” she whispered. “Not again…I—I still hurt too much….”
“No one is going to hurt you this time, Leah,” he returned, pulling her close, his strong fingers running the length of her back. “I’m not Jack.”
His male scent was intoxicating as she rested her head momentarily against his broad shoulder. Oh, God, just to be able to lean against him for these few seconds, she thought disjointedly. His strength was such a comfort to her.
“Are you afraid of starting a new relationship?” he demanded.
“Y-yes.”
“I’ve purposely waited two months, Leah,” he began heavily. “I wanted you to have the time to adjust to the fire department and your job. From the first minute I saw you, I wanted to know you better. I’ve watched you go back and forth between the firehouse and your apartment and nowhere else. You don’t seem to have any other life—”
“I don’t want anything else, don’t you understand!” she flared hotly, jerking free of his grip. She stood outside his reach, trembling. “I had a lousy marriage, Gil. I just got rid of a man who hated everything that I am. This is the first time in six years that I’ve had a chance to be myself. I can’t make a commitment to any man yet. I just don’t have the emotional stamina it takes. Do you understand that?” she begged, close to tears.
His face relaxed perceptibly and he picked up the reins of his horse. “I can,” he said softly. “You’re a special woman, Leah, and finding your niche in life hasn’t been easy.” His brows drew downward in thought. “But when the time’s right…”
She stood there, her heart pounding with anguish and hope. Shakily she reached up, brushing away the tears from the corners of her eyes. “You’re a glutton for punishment, then,” she said.
He offered her a quiet smile and put the reins around the mare’s neck for her. “Let me worry about that. Come on, it’s going to be dark in about half an hour and I want to get you home before curfew.”
Leah mounted; as she took the reins their hands touched. She didn’t draw away when his fingers closed over her own momentarily. The pain she was experiencing was washed away by that one touch. She believed that Gil would honor his promise not to pressure her. As he took his hand away she asked, “What curfew?”
He grinned. “The one you’ve set for yourself. You know, safe in your apartment before dark and don’t get caught out past midnight or you’ll turn into a pumpkin.”
A smile edged her lips. “You’re crazy,” she murmured.
Gil laughed. “Yeah, I know it. Come on, fairy-tale princess, let’s get you back to your castle.”
His last words caught her attention. If she was a princess, then he was a knight in shining armor. She had had the misfortune of meeting men who had tried to take her to bed for a one-night stand. They cared nothing for her as a person and less about her sense of morality.
At the apartment he stood patiently as she unlocked the door. Leah turned to him, gazing up into his strong, gentle face. “Thanks for a wonderful evening,” she said.
“Sure,” he teased. “I got you angry and then made you cry. A wonderful evening. What are you, a masochist?”
His taunting was indulgent and without barbs. “Probably,” she agreed. “Why else would I put myself through hell with the fire department just to fight fires?”
He fingered her silky hair, a wistful look in his eyes. “Or tolerate my blundering attempt to know you better?” He leaned over to place a kiss on her cheek. “You know what I like best about you?”
She shook her head, suddenly growing shy.
“I like the fact that no matter what the odds, you’re determined to be yourself. I find that refreshing in a world where labels count more than individuality. Good night, Leah, I’ll see you at work tomorrow morning.”
Wrapped in a euphoria she had never experienced before, she watched him disappear down the stairs. Gil Gerard totally disarmed her in every way. Leah turned and went slowly into her quiet apartment, thinking deeply about him. He was different…she suddenly looked up, her eyes widening with a new discovery. He was different from the other men because he had already carved his own unique niche in the world! That realization gave her new hope and a wild, exhilarating feeling. He understood her struggles because he had already gone through them himself! Gil wasn’t like other men. So why was she reacting to him as if he were in the same category? Suddenly she realized that she was as guilty of sexual prejudice as the fire fighters she worked with.
Sighing, she went to her bedroom to undress before taking a bath. Half an hour later she went to bed still considering her newfound insights about Gil and herself. In one way, she was joyous; in another, frightened to see him tomorrow morning. Leah recognized that she was now stepping outside the boundaries of her previous relationship with men. Well, she was unlike other women, so why shouldn’t she be drawn to a man who stepped to a different drummer, disregarding which way the rest of the world marched?
Six
Leah felt the eyes of every member of the fire department following her as she walked to one of the picnic tables that had not yet been claimed. Her stomach was knotted and it was painful to try to seem nonchalant and relaxed beneath their silent scrutiny. She had nothing to be ashamed of, she told herself, and lifted her chin despite the pounding of her heart. Fearlessly, she met Chief Anders’s smiling gaze. Leah nodded to her colleagues and spread the small white tablecloth she had brought over part of the table.
Afraid of the consequences for Gil, she had decided at the last moment to go to the picnic alone. Reluctantly, Gil had agreed with her logic.
Several children, all below the age of ten, stared openly, never having seen a woman fire fighter before. A few edged closer to where she stood unpacking her lunch. She smiled over at them. One child, a dark-eyed little girl, smiled shyly in return. Two older, more aggressive boys walked up.
“Hey! You the woman fireman?” one demanded, an imperious note in his voice.
“I’m the woman fire fighter,” she corrected easily, continuing to spread her food on the cloth.
“My dad says you ain’t,” he prodded.
Leah straightened up and sat down on the bench, maintaining her smile. “Who’s your dad, son?”
“Bob Wood,” he answered proudly.
Leah gazed up at his young, freckled face. How untouched he looked…unscarred by life, and full of promise. “And what’s your name?”
“Scotty. My dad says I’m gonna be a fireman someday too.”
“It’s a wonderful career,” she agreed.
Scotty tipped his head, frowning. “How come you ain’t mad at me? Dad says you don’t like men very much.”
Leah burst into laughter. “He did? Goodness, that’s news to me.”
“He says you’re trying to prove any woman can fight fires.”
She relaxed, enjoying the boy’s honesty. “I don’t think just any woman could do the job, Scotty. Just like I don’t think every boy can become a major-league pitcher. What do you think?”
Scotty looked impressed with her analogy, a slow grin spreading across his open, freckled features. “Hey…yeah, you might be right,” he said excitedly. He took a few more steps forward, losing his initial fear of her. “You really go into the houses with air pak on just like the other firemen?” he whispered, his eyes growing large.
“Quite a few times l
ately. Why? Don’t I look like I can handle it?” she asked good-naturedly.
Scotty suddenly became shy, unable to hold her amused gaze. “Nah…it’s just that, well, you know…”
“No, I don’t know, Scotty.”
The youngster sighed and made a face. “I thought you were gonna be a sour old woman.”
“Ohhh.” Leah nodded confidentially. “I see…”
The other boy crept up to Scotty’s elbow, gawking. “Your dad never said she was pretty!” he whispered into the boy’s ear.
“What’s this?” a voice asked from behind her.
Leah twisted around to find Gil standing there, hands resting loosely on his hips, a smile hovering around his mouth. She felt the heat of a blush rising across her neck and sweeping across her cheeks. He looked devastatingly handsome to her, the pale blue shirt he wore bringing out the intensity of his blue eyes. The jeans were molded to his lower body, accentuating his long, well-developed thighs. What fire fighter didn’t have a strong pair of legs? she wondered fleetingly.
“Lieutenant Gerard!” Scotty piped up, running over to him and tugging on his arm. “She’s nothing like we thought she’d be!”
Gil met her gaze. He ruffled the boy’s reddish hair playfully. “I suppose you thought she was some old maid who would bite your head off, right?”
“Yeah, how’d you know?”
He grinned, tussling with the boy in a gentle wrestling match. “Well, that’s the gossip I heard. Guess it isn’t good to listen to others before you check things out yourself. Right?”
Scotty grinned impishly. Gil knelt down on one knee and opened his arms so that Scotty could fall against his body. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. She’s really pretty!”
“I think so too,” Gil agreed, his blue eyes warm with amusement. “Why don’t you three go test that lake water and come back and report if it’s warm enough to swim in?”
Scotty yelped, grabbing his friend’s hand. The little girl ran after them, trying to catch up. Gil got to his feet, dusting off his pants. “Mind if I sit down and visit for a moment? You looked a little lonely over here.”
“Sure,” she replied.
Gil leaned back, his arms against the table. “He’s right you know,” he said, tossing a glance at her.
“About what?”
“That you’re beautiful.”
Leah shrugged, secretly thrilled by his compliment. How long had it been since someone had told her that? Not that she expected every fire fighter to give her compliments. Normally they were a closemouthed group who did little in the way of sharing their inner feelings or thoughts with one another. “Thank you. You just made my day.”
“You can make mine now.”
It was her turn to eye him.
Gil smiled. “What’s that look of distrust for?” he demanded.
She still didn’t know quite how to handle his intimacy. “Don’t you find it a little awkward to be seen with me out in front of the whole department? We talked about this before and you agreed that we shouldn’t fraternize too much.”
“I changed my mind,” he returned, his tone devoid of the usual teasing note. Instead, there was a new seriousness in his voice and it registered immediately with Leah, making her feel uncomfortable and at the same time exhilarated.
“I just don’t think it’s wise.”
“Stop worrying so much. I always see that little frown on your face.”
She shrugged, embarrassed. “Concentration,” she explained. “I’m afraid not to concentrate every moment on some aspect of my job for fear I’ll make a mistake.”
“With time you’ll get over that.”
If I’m given the time, she thought. She looked up, noticing several people staring in their direction. She compressed her lips.
“You sure you want to be seen with me?” she asked, her voice suddenly filled with tension.
He looked unperturbed. “I don’t mind. Do you?”
“I don’t know…”
“You could sound a little more positive about it,” he said dryly.
She smiled wryly. Gil Gerard was too easy to like…too easy to…She caught herself, frowning. To what? Love, her heart whispered fiercely. Leah sat up, completely stunned. Good Lord! Love? How had that word slipped into her thoughts? She avoided his inquiring gaze, more rattled by this discovery than if she’d had to go into a burning structure to rescue someone.
“You okay?” he demanded. “You look a little pale.”
“No—I’m fine. I was just thinking…” she stumbled.
“You seem to do a lot of serious thinking,” he said, beginning to frown. “You’re going to have to learn to be less sensitive around the guys and start acting more normally.”
“It’s my sensitivity that’s gotten me this far,” she flung back. “If I weren’t sensitive to their moods, I’d be fired outright.”
“You’ve paid a lot of your dues these last two months, Leah, and I’m trying to tell you to ease up and relax.”
“Is this official advice?” she asked coolly.
“No, just a suggestion from a friend,” he rejoined softly. “That’s what I’d like to be for now, Leah…your friend.”
“I find that hard to believe after what happened the other night.”
He shrugged his broad shoulders. “We’ll let time be the test of my actions, fair enough?” he asked mildly.
“I’ve never really been ‘friends’ with a man, Gil.”
“Would you like to?” His blue eyes seemed to penetrate to her very soul.
She gave him a shy smile. “I don’t know….”
“Is it the depth of the commitment that bothers you?”
She opened her mouth and then closed it. “Yes and no. I just came out of a lousy marriage where commitment was a string of broken promises.” Her voice grew tired and she looked away, watching the children playing by the edge of the lake. “Is this your way of calling a truce between us?” she wanted to know.
Gil sank his chin into his hands. “I gave it a lot of thought the other night, Leah.” He gave her a sidelong glance. “You need breathing room. I understand that, but I also want to let you know that I meant what I said about getting to know you better. I’m old enough to realize that instant attractions are usually a disaster in the long run and that a relationship built on time and exploration is infinitely more successful.”
She gave a sharp derisive laugh. “I wish I had known that six years ago!”
He shared a secret smile with her. “But you do now, don’t you? That’s why I think friendship between us is a good place to start.”
“This is new to me,” she confided. “I’ve never had a man for a friend.” And then she flashed him a silly smile. “Just a husband and a few would-be lovers.”
“Then it’s about time you explored a relationship that’s been missing from your life.”
“What do we do?”
“What we’re doing now, talking. Sharing.” His eyes crinkled as he watched her. “Do you find it painful?”
“No,” she said softly.
“Good. I’m enjoying myself too.”
She sat there next to him, relishing his closeness. Together they watched the children race around the tip of the lake brandishing cattails like swords. Now that she had been at the picnic for a while, Leah noticed that most of the families had returned to the enjoyment of the afternoon and fewer curious stares were being aimed in her direction.
“You like kids?” he asked, breaking the silence between them.
Leah leaned back against the table, drawing up one leg and wrapping her arms about it. “Love them. They’re so much fun. It’s like watching a flower blossom right in front of you.”
“You had Scotty wrapped around your little finger.”
She smiled tentatively. “Part of that was the fascination with the woman fire fighter image.”
“You must have handled him well, because he’s a pushy little kid when he wants to be. I’ve never seen him so atten
tive.”
“You make him sound as if he’s hyperactive or something.”
Gil rubbed his jaw. “I think he is. I know he drives Bob’s wife crazy.”
“He seemed curious and I like that trait in kids.”
He nodded. “That kid has more energy than ten put together, and a million questions up his sleeve. Better watch it or he’ll hang around you from here on out.”
“I could suffer a much worse fate, believe me,” she answered.
“Ever have any of your own?” he inquired gently.
Leah chewed on her lower lip, staring fixedly at the green grass at her feet.
“Jack really didn’t want any. He was too busy being a jet jockey and impressing other women with his status,” she said, an underlying edge to her voice. She allowed the anger of the old hurts to surface. Children gave her a special kind of happiness and often, when she watched a mother with her baby, she wistfully dreamed of being in that situation someday. Being a fire fighter didn’t preclude her becoming pregnant and then returning to the job after having a baby. She ran her fingers distractedly through her loose hair. The problem was finding a man. She stole a look at Gil and knew he would make a wonderful father.
“Then he was a fool,” Gil said, catching her startled look. “Any man that would throw you away ought to have his head examined.”
“It was my fault too. I married Jack because I thought I loved him. It was an infatuation that lasted about a year.”
“You were probably too young and inexperienced to be able to know the difference.”
“I don’t know,” she murmured. “I wonder if I’ll ever really find the real pieces of myself. The me that I’m happy with even if others aren’t. I’m so distrustful.” She gave a shake of her head. “And that’s stupid. You’ve always been fair with me and stood up for me when I needed help. You’re the only one in the department who’s never tried to make me feel small or worthless.”
“You’re searching for yourself, Leah,” he returned gently. “We all go through growth stages when outer pressures force us to go inside and find out what we’re really made of. You’re just going through a reevaluating period.”
Too Near the Fire Page 8
