Another round of deep groans echoed from the other men, the mingled sounds echoing their disappointment in Adrian's response.
"Thanks, man," Alex said dryly, and slapped his cousin on the back. "You just gave all our wives carte blanche, you know that, right?"
Adrian shrugged unapologetically. "Hey, I like getting it on a regular basis, you know what I mean?"
The other guys caught on immediately and nodded in agreement, then made sure they issued the same bit of freedom to their significant others.
Liz and Jill joined them, too, both of whom were expecting and appeared to be close to the same number of months along in their pregnancy.
Easy, friendly conversation ensued among all the women as they strolled around the showroom and looked at each individual design. By the time they were done a while later, Ashley had selected a few pieces of the stained glass artwork, one for herself and the others as gifts, and the other women had each purchased at least one design, too. When Lora didn't find anything she liked better than the fairy pattern, she decided to splurge and purchase the piece, but when she went back to buy the artwork, there was already a sold sticker on it.
Disappointed, but figuring it wasn't meant to be, Lora followed the women back to where the drinks and desserts were set up, which was close enough to see the men, but far enough away for the women to enjoy their own conversation. After perusing the desserts and everyone selecting a few items, they walked to a nearby lounge area, so that Jill and Liz could sit down in the two comfortable chairs and relax and rest their feet.
Jill gasped and pressed a hand to her belly, which looked to be the same size as Liz's. "This one sure is active," she said with an uncomfortable grimace.
Lora finished eating a delicious petit four and glanced at Jill, who was nibbling on a chocolate-covered strawberry. "Are the two of you due around the same time?" she asked.
Liz and Jill looked at one another and burst out laughing. Even Dana and Ashley chuckled, too, though Lora had no idea what was so funny.
"It's going to be a close call," Liz said with a sigh. "Again."
Lora still didn't get the joke. "Again?"
"Yes, again," Jill said with a nod, then went on to explain. "Believe it or not, our first babies were born on the same day."
Now, Lora understood and she grinned. "Ahhh, and you think that's going to happen this time, too?"
"Well, considering we found out that we were pregnant only one week apart from one another, it's a possibility."
"The guys are already taking bets on whose baby is going to be born first, just like they did last time," Liz said, and rolled her eyes at their husbands' antics. "Those men are so damn competitive, even when it comes to this."
While Liz and Jill talked about their most recent sonograms and what they thought the sexes of their babies were going to be, Lora casually glanced toward the Wilde men, and Joel in particular. Interestingly enough, she immediately noticed how he kept himself apart from everyone else in the group, mainly his brothers. His hands were pushed into his front pants pockets, and there was an air of reserve about him that she never would have equated with the Joel she'd come to know.
For a man who was so confident and take-charge in every other aspect of his life, when it came to his family he made himself blend into the background, when he was usually a guy who was bigger than life. And it wasn't as though they were excluding him from their conversation, but it was just so obvious to Lora, especially after her discussion with Joel at the cabin, that he felt as though he didn't fit in and didn't have that bond that his two brothers, Scott and Alex, did.
She supposed that over the many years since his mother's death, Joel's actions had just become routine and automatic, and everyone around him accepted his remote personality as all a part of his tough military image. But now, Lora knew his outward appearance of indifference went so much deeper. Knew that somewhere deep inside there was still a small part of that little boy he'd once been, the one who craved acceptance and a sense of belonging-despite the fact that he'd been the one to distance himself from his family.
But that's the man he'd become in order to cope with the loss of his mother at such a young age. He'd taken his feelings and shut them away, which had been so much easier than dealing with them.
But cutting off his emotions had affected him on other levels of his life, most obviously with relationships, and now especially with them. But she couldn't coerce him to change, or force him to love her-she'd learned that lesson with Brent and knew that it was all up to Joel to want to change. To allow himself to be loved in return.
Her own emotions tightened in her chest, and she finally tore her gaze from Joel and joined the conversation going on among the women.
From there, the evening went by quickly, and before long it was time to leave. She and Joel said their goodbyes to everyone and headed back to her place. Just as they'd walked into her apartment, the cell phone clipped to the waistband of Joel's pants vibrated.
He flipped the unit open and pressed it to his ear. "Yeah?" Joel answered, and just by that informal greeting Lora knew it was one of the ESS guys. Instinctively knew, too, why they were calling.
She listened to the one-way conversation from Joel's end, feeling a jolt of anticipation that this situation was finally over, along with a sense of dread because of what it meant for her and Joel. The end, as well. There was nothing left for him to stay for.
A few minutes later, he snapped the phone shut and turned to face her. "It's done," he said quietly, his gaze not quite meeting hers. "All of it. Mendoza is paid off with interest, your insurance policy is off the table, and you and Zach are both in the free and clear."
After weeks of upheaval, the relief rushing through her was incredibly welcome. "What about Zach?"
"Kevin is taking him to a rehab center as we speak," he said, making way too much of a production of clipping his phone back in place-a stall tactic, she knew, so he didn't have to look at her and deal with the emotional fallout between them. "We already have him registered and the place is expecting him. Most likely, he'll be there for a few months."
"I don't care. Whatever it takes to get him over his addictions and back on track." When Joel still found reasons not to glance her way, she closed the distance between them and curled her fingers around his forearm, giving it a gentle, meaningfully squeeze. "Thank you, Joel, for everything," she said softly. "For taking care of me, and for saving Zach."
Finally he met her gaze. An easygoing smile curved his lips, belying the deeper, darker pain she detected in his eyes-a telltale sign that maybe, hopefully, walking away from her wasn't going to be so easy after all. "Taking care of you was easy," he said huskily. "As for Zach, I owed him. He saved my life, and now I'm going to save his ass. I'm sure he's going to go through more hell in that rehab center than I did when I got shot in my leg, but I'm hoping he'll thank me for it later."
"I'm sure he will." She let her hand drop back down to her side as an awkward silence settled between them. "So, this is it, then? We're done?" The last question deliberately held dual meaning, and considering how his jaw clenched ever-so-slightly, he'd caught her subtle double entendre.
He exhaled a ragged breath and reached for his duffel bag, which he'd left at the end of the sofa. "Yeah, we're done," he said, his tone low and rough, as if he'd just swallowed a handful of gravel. "Just let me pack up my things, and I'll finally be out of your way."
He'd never been in her way, and he knew it, too. Yet he was scrambling to get his things together and leave, instead of facing what was still between them. It was exactly what she'd expected, and his quick retreat shouldn't have hurt, but it did.
She sat down on the sofa as he went to retrieve his shaving kit from the bathroom. Already, she was dreading how alone and quiet it was going to be in her apartment once he was gone.
As she watched him pack his toiletries and finish stuffing the rest of his items into his bag, she realized that she didn't want him to leave without
knowing how she felt about him. Mostly, she didn't want to live with regrets of what she should have said and done before he exited her life. She was going to lay her heart and soul bare. She'd tell him the truth, let him know that she'd fallen in love with him, and maybe, hopefully, he'd allow her to love him in all the ways he needed and deserved.
"I guess that's it." He zipped up his duffel bag and reluctantly glanced at her. "I'll be on an assignment for the next few weeks, but if you need me for anything at all, you have my cell number."
God, she needed him already. Before she lost her courage, she stood up from the couch and rubbed her damp hands down the sides of her skirt. "Joel, before you go, there's something I need to tell you."
He looked at her warily, then apparently sensing her nervousness, his gaze narrowed with a please-don't-go-there warning. The kind that men gave women when they sensed an emotional conversation on the horizon, and in this case he'd be right.
"Okay," he said, but his unwillingness to hear what she had to say was very obvious in the tense set of his jaw and the way his hands had curled into fists at his side.
But at least he stayed, and she was grateful for even that much from him.
"I know this isn't something you want to hear, but I'm going to say it anyway." She swallowed to ease the sudden dryness in her mouth. "I'm in love with you, Joel."
He looked away from her and swore beneath his breath, the sound filled with frustration and a hint of anger. His adverse response was as effective as rebuffing every bit of intimacy they'd shared, and felt the equivalent of being shot straight through the heart, leaving her breathless and aching.
She really shouldn't have been surprised by his reaction, because she'd known better than to expect a declaration of undying love in return. But she knew that Joel cared for her. Knew there was something real and honest between them that could grow into so much more if he'd let it. And therein lay their problem-his inability to open up and let her in to all those places that had been empty for so long, he didn't know anything else.
"Look, I don't expect anything in return," she said, knowing that was a big, fat lie. "You made your position on relationships and being committed very clear to me, and I'm not asking for any of that. I just wanted you to know how I felt."
"Lora… I can't." His tone was as tortured as the look in his dark blue eyes. "I just can't do it."
She walked toward him, closing the distance between them, and placed a hand on his cheek. "That's where you're wrong, Joel. You could do it. If you really wanted to." She skimmed her fingers along his jaw before letting them fall away. "You're just so used to being on the outside looking in, to being the odd man out, that you don't know anything else."
A frown creased his brows. "What are you talking about?" he asked gruffly.
"I saw it tonight at your sister's gallery, Joel. I saw how you were with your brothers, how you kept yourself apart from them because it's just an instinctive thing for you and something you've done since your mother's death. But it doesn't have to be that way. At least not with me."
He didn't say anything, but the pain in his eyes spoke more than words ever could. He hated being on the outside, but it was all he'd ever known.
"Sometimes you just have to put yourself out there emotionally and take a chance," she suggested, then shook her head at the irony of that statement. "I can't believe I'm saying that to someone who claims to be a risk-taker, a man who is strong and fearless and risks his life to protect others, and would willingly put himself in the direct line of danger if a situation warrants it. It seems the one and only aspect of your life that you do play it safe with is your heart and your relationships."
His eyes flashed with irritation. "With good reason."
She smiled, knowing better. Possibly knowing him better than he knew himself. "So you keep saying, but I've yet to find a reason that you can't work through, if you really wanted to."
He stared at her for a long, hard moment, then picked up his duffel bag, effectively putting an end to a conversation he didn't want to hear or face. "I need to go."
"I know," she said softly, and didn't say anything more as he turned around and headed toward the front door. He walked out without looking back, and she let him go, even though it was the hardest thing she'd ever had to do.
With a sigh that seemed to unravel her from the inside out, she sat back down on the couch, already feeling the quiet and solitude of her apartment closing in on her. Yeah, she had her life back, but it sure didn't amount to much without Joel in it.
Chapter Nineteen
SYDNEY stared at her reflection in the bathroom mirror, not sure that she even recognized the woman staring back at her anymore. Sure, she was very familiar with those green eyes-though currently red and puffy from a crying jag, and lined by dark circles due to her sleepless nights-and auburn curls, and even that voluptuous body that she saw on a daily basis and had been using to her advantage for years now, but she was referring to the person inside the body. And for the past few days since Daniel had walked out of her life, she'd spent a whole lot of time wondering how in the world she'd gotten to this point in her life… and, more shocking, she wasn't sure she liked who and what she'd become.
Oh, she knew that her past circumstances had molded her into someone driven, yet cautious when it came to relationships. Not to mention jaded and untrusting of men and their motives. Thanks to Tim Carson, it had become an instinctive part of her personality, as well as her way of protecting her heart and emotions and never allowing anyone to ever use her again for their own personal gain.
For years she'd been the one in control when it came to men and relationships. She called the shots. She took what she wanted and walked away when she'd had enough. For her and the guys she'd chosen to date, it had always been about having a good time and uncomplicated sex.
Until Daniel. He was the one man who'd ever wanted more than just sex from her, and it had scared the crap out of her. So did the emotions and feelings he'd stirred within her that were so foreign to her woman's heart. The wanting. The yearning. The need to let him be a part of her life beyond that physical attraction.
She drew in a shaky breath and swiped at the fresh batch of tears surging to the surface. She'd spent a whole lot of time thinking about everything Daniel had said to her, and now she tried to see herself from his perspective, beyond her looks, her ample curves, and all that superficial crap she'd hidden behind for much too long. And what she saw was a woman who wished she had someone to share her burdens with, beyond Lora. A woman who craved stability, the comfort of a man's embrace, and a shoulder to lean on during those rough times. But mostly what she saw was a woman who ached to be loved unconditionally.
Daniel had offered her all those things, and she'd pushed him away because she was too scared to believe someone like him, someone so honest and caring and a man who treated her with respect, could be for real. When he said he didn't care about her past, she'd desperately wanted to believe him. When he'd told her that it was okay to let him love her because he wasn't going to disappoint her like so many had in her past, instead of trusting him, she'd pushed him away out of fear.
And now, she was alone, and for the first time in her life, her heart hurt. And that brash and bold woman who used her body, and sex, to her advantage, no longer appealed to her.
It was a hard realization to face. Harder still to think about how her actions and feelings about men might have affected Cassie and her chance at a solid relationship with a man someday.
She'd spent years sheltering and protecting her daughter, because she never wanted Cassie to experience what she'd gone through. Yet, if her daughter judged Sydney by her actions and how she treated men and relationships, her less-than-exemplary behavior contradicted everything Sydney wanted to teach Cassie about relationships, and intimacy with the right person.
But in order to do that, Sydney needed to show her daughter that a monogamous relationship could work, that stability with one person was important.
That a healthy, mature, and caring relationship could exist, if she made the right choices in her life. And it was time that Sydney changed her own ways and led by example.
With that decision made, she reached for a Kleenex, dabbed at her still-moist eyes, and blew her nose. She needed to go and talk to Daniel, and she prayed that she hadn't ruined any chance of a future together by shutting him out so completely.
"Mom? Are you okay?"
At the sound of Cassie's soft, worried voice, Sydney turned around and found her daughter standing just beyond her bathroom door. Quickly she summoned a smile, but there was nothing she could do for her puffy eyes and red nose from her crying jag. "I'm fine, honey."
"No, you're not," Cassie insisted with a concerned frown. "What's wrong, Mom?"
"Nothing, really." Sydney tossed the tissue into the trash and headed into her bedroom, with Cassie trailing behind. "Just a little PMS. You know how that is." She wasn't ready to talk about her relationship with Daniel with Cassie, not until she talked to Daniel himself to see where things stood between them.
Her daughter didn't look convinced, but she didn't push the issue, either. Instead, when Sydney started making her mussed-up bed, Cassie went the other side of the mattress to help smooth out the covers and pull up the comforter.
It was almost noon on Saturday, and as she glanced at Cassie, this time she noticed that her daughter had straightened her hair and had put on a light application of makeup, including lip gloss. She was wearing a pair of brown cords and a long-sleeved V-neck sweater, and while the outfit itself was casual, Sydney was used to seeing her daughter in jeans or sweats on the weekend. And more disturbing was the scent of the Love's Baby Soft perfume her daughter had put on.
"What's up with you?" Sydney asked lightly as she fluffed her pillow before folding the comforter over it. "You going somewhere today that I don't know about?"
Cassie shifted on her feet as Sydney rounded the bed to where her daughter was standing. She looked a little anxious, and the way she chewed on her bottom lip was a dead giveaway that something was going on with Cassie. It was one of those mannerisms that a mother picked up on early in her child's life that gave her the edge of being able to read her kid before they even spoke. In this case, that lip chewing thing was enough to tell Sydney that Cassie was feeling uncertain and nervous about something.
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