By the time I came back downstairs, the party had gotten even rowdier. People were dancing on the pool table, making out on the couch. And, from the smell of it, someone had puked in the large potted plant in the corner.
Kendra was dancing and laughing. Little did most people know, her life was far from perfect. I had no desire to tell her about my vision and have a friendly heart-to-heart about it. I still trusted that girl as far as I could throw her.
But the vision, at least, explained a lot.
I stood alone, wringing my hands because I didn’t know what else to do with them. Gabriel came up behind me with one eyebrow raised. “Enjoying yourself?”
“Yeah,” I said sarcastically. “This is so my scene.”
I looked around at everyone having an effortlessly good time. I wasn’t anything like those girls. Most of the time it didn’t bother me, but at that moment, I wondered. What would it be like to blend in? To be blond or brunette, with stick-straight hair and not my unruly red curls. To not be psychic. To be normal. To fit in.
Gabriel studied me for a moment. “You don’t realize it, do you?”
I blinked, twice. “Realize what?”
“What makes you different makes you beautiful.”
My breath caught in my throat.
I met his gaze and his eyes were sincere. Gorgeous. Smoldering. My heart fluttered wildly in my chest.
Gabriel’s lips parted as if to speak.
Then the lights blinked on and off. Everyone froze and turned to look at Kendra, who stood on the pool table.
Kendra yelled, “Can I have everyone’s attention, please?”
The room went silent.
Kendra’s eyes panned the area, found mine, and then a slow smile spread on her face. “I’ve thrown a lot of parties before, but I have a special present for you tonight.”
A couple guys whooped.
“Our friend Clare Fern is here.” Kendra pointed to me, and I immediately knew this wasn’t good. “You all know that Clare is psychic. And I bet that if we cheer her on, she could do some readings for us tonight. What do you guys think?”
The room exploded into drunken cheers and clumsy clapping. All eyes went to me as I stood dumbfounded. People stepped back, forming a circle around me. Only Gabriel was left by my side.
“No … no … thanks,” I said.
“Oh, come on!” Kendra cheered, but her eyes glittered with disdain.
Why was she doing this? She knew I didn’t want to do readings for her. I’d told her enough times.
All their stares bored into me. I was on display. The circus freak in the center ring. My instinct had been right all along. They wanted no part of me. Only what I could do.
“Come on, Clare!”
“Me first!”
Voices chattered around me, and the room began to tilt and spin. I turned to look for Gabriel, but even he wasn’t beside me anymore. I was alone. I scanned the faces. Brooke was wrapped around Jordan in the corner, oblivious. Tiffany stood behind Cody, whispering into his ear as he smiled wickedly, their narrowed eyes glued to me.
I searched and searched until, finally, I found Justin in the crowd. He glowed proudly.
“Come on, Clare, show ’em what you can do,” he said encouragingly.
Why didn’t he understand I wanted no part of this? I didn’t want to be the entertainment. I wanted to be a regular kid in the crowd.
Just when I thought I couldn’t take another second, the lights went out. Girls screamed overdramatically. Guys cheered as if it were a fun game.
And somewhere in the darkness, a hand reached out and clasped mine.
A voice whispered in my ear, “Let’s go.”
I ALLOWED THE STRONG, WARM HAND TO LEAD ME out of the dark chaos inside Kendra’s house and into the surprisingly bright night outside. The moon was almost full and its light illuminated Gabriel’s face.
He hadn’t abandoned me. He’d left my side to shut off the lights, creating a distraction so I could disappear.
“Want to go? My Jeep’s right over there.” He motioned over his shoulder.
I glanced at the red plastic cup in his hand.
“It’s water,” he said, noticing my hesitation. He dumped the remainder on the grass and tossed the cup toward a trash bin. “I have a game tomorrow.”
“Oh,” I said, relieved. “Yeah, let’s get out of here.”
We drove in silence for a little while. I didn’t want to talk about what had happened. The embarrassment was too fresh. Gabriel seemed to sense that, so he turned on the radio and stayed quiet.
Passing streetlights lit up his face for brief moments, and I took peeks at him when I could. The lines of his jaw. His intensely dark eyes. He caught me looking, and I glanced away quickly.
“Want me to drop you off at your house?” he asked. “Or,” he added with hope in his voice, “would you like to go somewhere?”
I glanced at the clock in the dashboard. I still had an hour before curfew. And I didn’t want to go home. All night I’d felt out of place and uncomfortable. It was only just now, with Gabriel, that I’d started to feel like myself again.
“Let’s go to the beach,” I suggested.
Minutes later, Gabriel parallel parked in a metered spot and we gazed out at the boardwalk and the beach beyond it. Town Beach was flat with white sand and a sprinkling of seashells. Perfect for the tourists (and the town, which charged fifteen dollars a day to park in summer). There were more cars than I expected. But it was a mild fall night and the beauty of the full moon’s reflection on the water seemed to pull people like the moon itself pulled the tides.
I frowned. I didn’t want to be with random people milling about and smacking their lips against each other while I tried to listen to Gabriel’s words.
I wanted to be alone with him.
“Start the car,” I said, making a decision. His face fell in disappointment until I added, “I’ve got a better place to go.”
Just a bit farther past the shops, down a couple tree-lined residential roads, and at the end of a dead-end street was another beach. The sand was too rocky to go barefoot. The water was thick with seaweed. But a line of pines hid the beach from view, and tall sand dunes topped with prickly beach grass made the descent intimidating. So when you got down, it was worth it, because you could be alone. Even if another townie was there, sunbathing or fishing off the jetty, there was enough room that you still felt like you had your own slice of paradise. Removed from the flurry and noise of the real world. You could stare out at the vastness of the sea, the infinite line of the horizon, and feel so small. Feel that, in the scheme of things, maybe your giant problems weren’t so significant.
Hidden Beach, as townies called it, was too far for me to walk, so I’d only been there with Perry or Mom now and then when the summer crowds had gotten to us. I’d never been there in the fall and never at night.
I told Gabriel where to park but didn’t tell him any more, taking delight in his utter confusion.
“Where are we going?” Gabriel called after me as I gleefully jumped down from his Jeep and ran toward the tree line.
“You’ll see,” I teased over my shoulder.
He caught up to me just as we broke through the wall of trees. Then he gasped at the sight before us.
“What is this place?”
“Hidden Beach,” I said, staring at the dark expanse of the sea below us.
“I didn’t even know this was here.”
“You’re an official townie now,” I said. “You’re in on the secret.”
I expected him to crack a joke, but instead a flash of sadness settled onto his face, then quickly left.
“Here,” he said, holding out his hand. “I’ll help you down.”
We navigated the sand dunes, following a well-worn trail. He descended the steep slope with me close behind. I slipped near the bottom, crashing into him. He steadied us both while I laughed nervously.
We reached the rocky shore, but before we could take
it all in, we were plunged into darkness. A cloud had covered the moon. At Town Beach, the lights from stores and streetlamps would have still shimmered in the distance, but Hidden Beach was deserted and sunken. No light reached it now.
The black was all-encompassing. I couldn’t see the shoreline. The only way I knew the ocean was to my left was from the sounds of the waves pounding the sand.
Suddenly, even though I was cloaked in darkness, I had the eerie feeling of being watched. I had the sudden thought that anything, any sort of monster or nightmare, could crawl out of the sea and be edging toward me and I’d never know. It was an irrational fear.
“Where are you?” Gabriel whispered.
I reached my hands out, utterly blind, until my palms hit his chest. Then the cloud cover moved, and the moon shone on us like a spotlight. I pulled my hands back and wrapped my arms around myself.
It was cooler down here and my thin shirt did little to protect me from the ocean winds. I shivered and rubbed my upper arms.
Before I even knew what he was doing, Gabriel had stripped off his hooded sweatshirt, leaving himself in only a black T-shirt. He held it out to me. “Wear this.”
Perry would disown me for wearing a Yankees sweatshirt, but he would never know, and I was too cold to care about team loyalty. I pulled it over my head and inhaled deeply when I recognized Gabriel’s scent.
Now I’d never want to give it back.
“That’s better,” I said. “Thanks.”
Tangled strands of red hair whipped around my face with each gust of wind. Gabriel tried to trap them behind my ears, but they just broke free and flew away again. I giggled. He pulled me closer and put his arms around me from behind. We stood staring at the black metallic waves rushing forward and retreating again in a kind of rhythmic dance.
I wondered what Gabriel was thinking about.
I didn’t have to wonder for too long.
“He doesn’t understand you like I do,” he said, his breath warm against my neck.
Tonight, anyway, Gabriel was right about that. When Kendra had put me on the spot and humiliated me, Justin had cheered me on.
Gabriel was the one who’d saved me.
But then I remembered that day last summer again. The gun. Justin stepping in front of me.
I turned around to face Gabriel.
As if he could sense where my mind had gone, he said, “It’s because of what happened, isn’t it? That’s why you can’t give up on him. Why you won’t move on. Because he was there that day and he tried to save you.”
“It isn’t a small thing, Gabriel,” I explained.
“I’m not asking you to overlook it. Hell, even I’m grateful to the guy for what he did. I’m just asking you to be sure you know what you’re doing. Check your motivation. There’s a difference between love and obligation.”
I stared down at the smooth rocks on the sand. “I know I’m not obligated to him.”
Do I know that, though? If Justin hadn’t nearly died for me, would I really be considering giving him a second chance? Would I really be considering choosing him over Gabriel?
Gabriel reached out and brushed my cheek. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”
I shrugged. I didn’t want to talk about Justin with him. I didn’t want to think about Justin when I was with him. I wished I could keep the two separate.
Gabriel took a deep breath. “You know, all this bravado, it’s an act. I want to be with you, but I don’t know who you belong with. And if you decide Justin’s your guy, then that’s fine with me.”
“And we’d still be friends?” I asked skeptically.
“Sure,” he said, though something in his eyes said no. Like he already had a plan in place for what he’d do if I chose Justin.
I appreciated that Gabriel never pressured me. Never gave me an ultimatum. I knew he had other interested girls waiting on the sidelines. Tiffany had basically thrown herself at him at the party. He didn’t have to wait around for me to make up my mind.
But, so far, he had.
I threw my arms around his neck and squeezed him in a big friendly hug. He laughed, taken aback by my sudden attack of affection.
But I didn’t let go, and the hug morphed from something friendly into something else. My hands trailed down his back, tracing his muscles through his T-shirt. I breathed against the heat of his neck, my lips almost touching his skin.
“You’d better stop doing that,” he said. His voice was different, raspy.
I leaned back and looked up into his eyes, but I didn’t let go of him.
It was almost a dare.
His fingers locked into my hair, gently pulling my head back to tilt my mouth up. I closed my eyes as our lips touched.
He kissed me warily at first, and then — when I didn’t pull away — hungrily, like a kiss he’d been storing up for weeks. Warmth radiated out from my lips, down my neck, and through my entire body like a spreading fire.
My mind was unsure, but my body wasn’t. I didn’t want our kissing to end. Ever. It felt too good.
Gabriel broke the kiss first. I took a gasp of fresh air. My lips felt tingly and swollen. He looked into my eyes intently, his gaze serious.
This was it. This was the moment. He was going to put me on the spot. Ask me to choose. My heart sped up. I didn’t know what to do, how to answer.
“My mother’s still here.”
I stepped back, not expecting that statement in the least. “That’s nice,” I stammered, wondering why he felt the need to say that at a moment like this.
“She came here for a reason.”
“Oh?” A reason more than just to see him?
He looked away from me, at the ocean. “She’s sober now.”
“Gabriel, that’s fantastic,” I said enthusiastically. Though as the words left my mouth, I realized Gabriel wasn’t exactly jumping for joy. There was more to this.
He turned back to me, and I saw it in his face. I sensed the words coming before he even opened his mouth. My stomach clenched.
“She wants me to move back home with her.” He swallowed hard. “To New York.”
I took a sharp intake of air. A thick cloud passed over the moon again, slowly, and the dunes behind Gabriel seemed to slide and erode before my eyes, until they disappeared in the black.
“What are you going to do?” I asked.
From the surrounding darkness, Gabriel said, “Honestly? I don’t know.”
IT WAS SUNDAY, LATE MORNING, AND MOM WAS flitting around the kitchen, making a racket. I’d offered to help make brunch, but she’d shooed me away, so I took a big mug of hot chocolate out to the porch swing. The front yard was so covered with Halloween decorations, it was almost comical. One of them had fallen over. Looked like the ceramic Frankenstein, maybe. I made a mental note to fix it later. For now, I wrapped a blanket around my shoulders and watched the clouds move across the sky.
Last night was both wonderful and awful, in almost equal amounts. Kendra had humiliated me. Justin had disappointed me. Gabriel had wowed me. And then I was hit with the worst news of all.
Gabriel might be leaving.
And I didn’t want to lose him now. I’d always felt that even if I chose Justin, I might still get to keep Gabriel in my life. As a friend. But now everything had changed. Keeping or losing Gabriel wasn’t in my control anymore. And I hated that.
I took a sip of my cocoa. It was too hot and burned my throat on its way down. I set it on the railing to cool for a bit and thought more about the party.
What was up with Justin? It was like he was two people, one when we were alone and another when he was with the popular crowd. Had he always been that way and I hadn’t known? During our relationship, we’d never hung out with his friends. I never got to see how he acted with them.
Last night was what he’d always wanted: to have me and the parties. But a party was where we’d ended. A party was where he got drunk and hooked up with Tiffany.
As if I’d conjured him with my thought
s, Justin appeared at the end of my driveway. I blinked a few times, wondering if I’d fallen asleep and was dreaming this, but as he climbed the porch steps, the wood creaking beneath his shoes, I knew it was real.
His confident swagger was gone, replaced by a timid wariness, like a child stepping out of time-out. He sat beside me, and the porch swing rocked back and forth with the shifting weight.
“I’m so sorry,” he said, his voice low.
“For what?” I wanted to know if he understood how much he’d let me down.
“I just … I think …” He stumbled over his words as he started. “I didn’t realize how you felt, until you were gone. I thought about it the rest of the night and I wanted to kick myself. It’s all I could think about this morning. I was going to call but decided to just come over. I had to apologize in person.”
“The party scene,” I began, “it’s just not me.”
“I know that. I would never force you to go. But I was so excited that you were there and I didn’t realize you hated it. And I shouldn’t have cheered you on when Kendra put you on the spot. I just … got caught up in how happy I was to have you there and didn’t realize how you were feeling until it was too late.”
I wrapped the blanket tighter around myself. Justin would never hurt me on purpose. What did I expect? He wasn’t a mind reader like my mother. Maybe I’d been too hard on him.
When I didn’t speak, he continued, “What happened this summer … nearly dying … it made me want to enjoy every minute of every day. That’s why I’ve been trying so hard to win you back.”
“I know,” I said, softening.
“Maybe last night, I was trying to enjoy myself too much.” He laughed lightly at himself, and I gave him a little smile.
Was it so horrible that Justin was a fun-loving guy? He loved to laugh and hang with his friends. Was that so bad? He made me laugh, too.
I met his eyes directly. “It’s okay.”
He didn’t look convinced, though. He looked forlorn.
He cupped my face with both hands, gently, as if it were something invaluable. As if I were invaluable.
Perception Page 12
