Eventually, he pulled back and kissed my forehead. "Can I give you your present now?"
"I think you already did," I said, a giggle bubbling up through the remnants of my tears.
But he had another one for me. Four, actually.
Chapter Sixteen
He returned to his car to get what he'd brought, and I went to the bathroom to wash my face but instead took a fast shower with the hottest water I could stand, not wanting to have Joel on me for another second.
Once I'd scrubbed myself clean, I dried off and got dressed, choosing a turtleneck to cover my marked-up throat. I braided my wet hair then reached automatically for my makeup bag.
I stopped halfway, though.
Did I want to, need to, cover my face with Andrew? I wiped the steam off the mirror and stared at myself for a long moment. Then I turned and left the bathroom.
Andrew sat on the couch patting Ruby, four boxes of wildly varying size on the coffee table in front of him. "Feeling better?"
I nodded and sat beside him, nervous. Had he noticed my naked skin? Would he comment? "A little." I shook my head. "I'm so sorry."
He reached out and touched my cheek, and his eyes roamed over my face. I saw him recognize what I hadn't done, and the sweet smile it brought to his mouth made me feel like I was in the sacred grove I'd designed for the game, in a place of safety and beauty and stillness. "Gorgeous," he said softly. "Just like always. And don't apologize any more. We're okay." He wrapped an arm around me and drew me close, pressing his head against mine.
"My hair's wet, you'll get all soggy."
He deliberately pulled my head down onto his shoulder and pushed gently on it as if squeezing the water out of a sponge, and we laughed.
Ruby meowed, and I sat upright. "Geez, I forgot. I still need to feed her." I retrieved her insulin and a needle then came back to the couch, where Ruby had already settled herself in injection position.
"Can I do it?"
I looked at him in surprise. "You want to?"
He stroked Ruby's back. "I could be a babysitter for her if you ever needed one, if I knew how to do it."
Tears rose yet again but I blinked them back. "That's so nice of you. Sure, it's easy."
I walked him through filling the syringe, and Ruby stayed perfectly still while Andrew fumbled to smooth her fur out of the way and carefully guide the needle into her. His intense focus on her and his obvious concern for her comfort touched me, and Ruby seemed to know he was doing his best and let him take his time.
When it was done, I said, "Good job. Sandra gets nervous about it, but you were cool."
He laughed and held out a hand so I could see it shaking. "If you say so."
I took the syringe. "Why'd you do it if you were scared?"
"I meant it before, if you guys ever need me I want to be there for you."
I put the insulin away, fed the cat, and returned to the couch before saying, "You've already been there for me, so many times. I don't know how I got lucky enough to find you."
He opened his arms to me. "The feeling is mutual."
I dropped onto the couch next to him and moved into his embrace, and we sat cuddled together, the only sound Ruby's eating and then her purring, for a long time. Oh, it felt good. So warm and safe and protected.
Eventually, he said, "Want your presents?"
"Yes," I admitted.
"Great, because I want to see you open them. Especially one of them. I had to leave work early to get it, so I couldn't come say goodbye to you and make sure you were okay. I wanted to, though, and I did email you."
I'd worked until the last second before leaving so I hadn't checked my email. If I had, I'd have read Andrew's words, and I might not have fallen into Joel's web. But that hadn't happened, and I had more important issues at the moment. "Which one should I open first?"
Andrew considered, then pointed at the largest one, easily three feet square. As I started to unwrap it, he said, "I have to tell you, they're not really all for you."
I raised an eyebrow, but he just gestured to the package, so I finished removing the paper then exploded into giggles.
"Think she'll like it?"
"How could she not?" I eased the cat-size armchair out of the box. "It's even the same blue as the real chair. Andrew, that's adorable."
I set the plush chair on the floor and put my arms around his neck. He hugged me back. "It's so if I take her chair again she has somewhere to sleep."
I laughed. "She'll probably make you take this one and she'll keep the big chair."
"Could be." He gave me a squeeze. "Open the green one next."
I was soon the proud owner of a gift card to the Griffin Café and a small ceramic pony "since Liz never came through with the ponies like she promised". We hugged between each present, snuggling like we'd been together forever and were utterly comfortable with each other. It felt that way.
The last box was long and thin, wrapped much more neatly than the others in an expensive-looking gold paper. I looked up at him. "You didn't have to get me anything, never mind four."
"Three, really, since Ruby won't share."
"You know what I mean."
He nodded. "I wanted to, though. If you don't feel right about this one, I'll understand, but I saw it in the store window and thought it was so you."
I untied the ribbon, my fingers shaking at his serious expression, and pulled off the wrapping paper. Inside the box, on a bed of pure white cotton, rested the most gorgeous bracelet I'd ever seen. The unbelievably delicate silver chain stretched out in both directions from the bold silver piece, an abstract curve like the crest of a wave, that made up the bracelet's center. No fluff or unnecessary decoration marred its sleek elegance.
I stared at it, hardly able to breathe. That this reminded him of me!
Andrew cleared his throat. "The chain seems like it's not strong enough to support the rest but they said it could hold fifty pounds. So it's way stronger than anyone would think it could be. And the middle part reminds me of the ocean, how it keeps coming and never gives up."
My eyes filled with tears and I held the box out to him. "Put it on me. Please."
He had a bit of trouble with the clasp, but we were soon both looking down at the stunning thing on my left wrist.
He cleared his throat again. "It looks even better on you."
I threw my arms around him again. "Thank you so much. It's gorgeous. They're all such great presents."
He stood and pulled me up with him, then wrapped his arms more firmly around me. "You are so welcome. Happy birthday."
"It is now, thanks to you," I murmured against his shoulder.
He kissed the top of my head, then my forehead, then burst out laughing.
Surprised, I pulled back.
He pointed to the floor and I laughed too, seeing Ruby sitting upright in her new chair like a pint-sized princess on her throne.
"I love that cat," he said, drawing me close again.
"I love her too," I said.
That same sacred feeling came over me again. Were we really talking about the cat?
*****
We spent the evening curled up together on the couch, sometimes talking about nothing and sometimes sitting in sweet cozy silence, Ruby switching between our laps as the mood struck her. I didn't want it to end, but when I stifled my third yawn Andrew said, "You've had a long day, haven't you? Time for you to get some rest."
He was probably right, but I so didn't want him to leave. What would I think about when he was gone?
"I'm fine to go home if that's what you want, and I'm also fine to stay."
"I want you to stay," I said without thinking, but then added, "Only if you want to. Or at least if you don't mind."
He pulled me closer. "I was hoping you'd want me to spend the night. But I wasn't going to pressure you."
He couldn't be thinking we'd have sex, could he? I couldn't possibly do that tonight. I wanted to eventually, most definitely, but not right after
Joel. No, he couldn't. He understood. That kiss was one thing, one beautiful thing, but—
Andrew's sudden blush was so dramatic I could feel the heat pouring off his skin. "That came out wrong. I'm sleeping in the chair, I know that. I'm sorry."
I hugged him. "It's okay. For a second I wondered, but then I knew you didn't mean that."
He brushed imaginary sweat from his forehead. "Good. Or you'll dump me before we even get started."
"Not a chance."
I burrowed in closer and we held each other for a few more minutes before he said, "Okay, let's get this couch pulled out and my chair set up before we fall asleep here."
That didn't sound so bad, but I pushed myself to my feet and opened the chest by the couch to retrieve my bedding and a blanket and pillow for him.
I found him a towel and gave him the new toothbrush I hadn't used yet and he headed off to the bathroom. While he was gone, I realized he didn't have anything to wear. He'd brought flannel pants and a sweatshirt for the night he'd spent helping me dig into my dream, but today he'd brought nothing but his gifts.
"I can lend you sweatpants if you want," I said when he came out of the bathroom. "They're probably too big for you, but at least they'd be comfier than jeans."
He squatted down to pat Ruby. "I was thinking about the clothing situation," he said without looking at me. "At home I usually sleep in, um, my boxers. I can do that here, if it doesn't bother you."
I didn't particularly want to see him drowning in my sweatpants, and I certainly didn't mind getting another look at him semi-dressed. "I think I'll survive. Unless they've got naked ladies all over them or something."
"Sweatpants it is, then."
I giggled, and he said, "Just kidding. No, they have stripes."
"I can tolerate stripes."
I finished making up my bed and visited the bathroom to brush my teeth and change into the blue fleece pajamas with white polar bears my parents had sent for my birthday. I hadn't worn them yet and I wanted that warmth and comfort tonight.
That accomplished, I looked into my eyes in the mirror but couldn't ask myself how I'd done today and what I would fix tomorrow. I knew how I'd done, and I knew I couldn't fix it. So instead, I stared at myself for a long moment, trying to see what Andrew saw in me, then went back to him when I couldn't manage it.
Andrew left Ruby and moved toward me, holding out his arms. I stepped into them, and again felt special and unique. Something about how he held me made everything so clear to me.
"You feel so cuddly," he said. "Even more than usual."
His hand stroked over my hair, and I shut my eyes and let the warmth of his embrace sink into me. Would he kiss me again? Part of me wanted him to, but most of me didn't. That first kiss had been like a perfect diamond, and sometimes it's better to leave a diamond standing alone rather than crowd other stones, even if they're gorgeous too, around it. I did want more diamonds from him, but not today.
"Sleep well," he murmured into my ear.
"You too."
He squeezed me a little tighter then released me. We looked at each other for a moment, then he kissed me on the forehead and said, "Why don't you hop into bed and then I'll turn the lights out and get into my chair?"
Touched by his sweet kiss and both glad and sorry he hadn't given me a real one, I said, "Sounds good."
I slipped into bed, feeling only a little awkward, and a second later the room went dark then glowed with a faint light as he used his phone to guide him to the chair.
"Did Ruby take your chair?"
The light swung to the side. "Nope, she's still in hers."
"Smart cat."
"Like her owner."
"I'm a cat?"
"Yup. Good night."
"Good night. Thank you again."
The light vanished. I heard a zipper go down, the rustle of denim, him settling into the chair, then he said, "No need to thank me. Have a good sleep and I'll be happy."
I tried, but to no avail. As soon as the room fell silent my brain began shouting. It insisted on replaying the day in agonizing detail, focusing of course on the worst parts.
I should have seen Kate's sabotage. It had been well hidden, but not impossible to find. I'd embarrassed myself, and Liz, and the company as a whole. I'd been too stubborn to ask for help and I'd paid the price. And then I'd snapped at Andrew when he'd only wanted to calm me.
I hated thinking about how badly I'd handled the whole mess, but when my relentless brain moved on to Joel I almost wished it would go back to the work incident. That numbed place at the back of my mind had defrosted, and it now felt I needed to think about how Bill would have seen my actions.
For part of it, he wouldn't have been upset. He'd known how strong my sex drive was and he'd loved it. When he'd been away on a school trip for a week, my hunger for him had grown so desperate I'd cut short our welcome-back dinner out so we could rush home and into bed. If anything, Bill would have been surprised I'd waited as long as I had.
I turned over and tightened the blanket around my shoulders. But the person I'd chosen to break that drought, if 'chosen' was the word for the frantic nature of my encounter with Joel? I could almost hear Bill. "This Andrew, okay. He's a good one. But that guy? He was using you."
My throat tightened and I swallowed hard to calm myself and rolled onto my back. "I know," I thought to Bill. "It'll never happen again."
But it had happened. Would it change my relationship with Andrew? It already had, of course, for the better. Once he thought about it, though, would he decide that he couldn't get over what I'd done with Joel? I didn't think so, but the idea of losing him made my stomach twist.
After agonizing for a while, I turned over again, and Andrew said quietly, "Can't sleep?"
"Nope. You neither?"
"I was planning to stay awake until I was sure you were asleep, but even without that I'd still be up. Anything I can do for you?"
"You were going to stay up for me?"
"In case you needed anything. Do you?"
What a sweetheart. "Can you turn the clock back twenty-four hours?"
He gave a laugh that wasn't really a laugh. "I'd go back further than that."
"Why?"
He paused long enough that I wondered if he'd fallen asleep after all, then said, "I keep thinking, if I'd kissed you last night like I wanted to, none of this would have happened."
A warmth not from my blankets and pajamas filled me. "You wanted to kiss me?"
"So much. After those idiots ran into us outside the restaurant, I was going to do it when we got here but then I chickened out. I... I really like you, and I was afraid that if I tried to kiss you and you didn't want me to then I might lose you as a friend. I want to be with you, but I want to be your friend even more."
"I want that too," I managed to get out past the sudden lump in my throat. "Both parts."
He sighed. "I know that now, but yesterday I was a coward. If I had kissed you then, if I hadn't let that opportunity go by, you wouldn't have ended up with that jerk tonight, right?"
I thought about this, and had to say, "Probably not."
"Which is why I can't sleep. I hate that he treated you like that, and I hate even more that I didn't practice what I preach. I tell you to flow with the go, and I wanted to kiss you more than anything and I didn't and you got hurt because of it."
The sadness in his voice hurt to hear, and I sat up and looked over at him. My eyes had adjusted to the darkness enough that I could see him in the chair with his feet on the coffee table, but I couldn't see his expression. I knew what I wanted to tell him but I didn't know how to say it, so I thought, "Flow with the go," and let the words come.
"I got hurt because I didn't listen to my own intuition. I felt bad with Joel from the start but I didn't pay attention. It's so not your fault. And besides, if you had kissed me last night, it wouldn't have been the same as tonight, would it?"
I waited, and eventually he said, "No, I guess not."
> "Definitely not. I'll remember that kiss forever. Last night, I bet it would have been good but it wouldn't have meant as much."
He sat silent for a while before saying, "I pushed you away when I recognized that god-awful cologne. That's the other thing I keep beating myself up for."
I tried to speak but he kept going. "I didn't even mean to. But when I realized it was him, of all people, that— look, you don't have to tell me, but was that the first time since Bill?"
I swallowed hard. I should have known he'd pick that up. "Yeah."
"I was afraid of that. He doesn't deserve that honor."
I bit my lip to hold back the tears at his words. When I didn't speak, he said, "It all hit me at once. That it was him, how upset you were, that he'd made you that upset... God, I could have killed him. And I mean that literally. Not like in the MMA ring. I wanted to kill him. I've never been that angry."
"I knew you were mad, but I thought you were mad at me," I confessed. "And disgusted with me."
"Never. It was all about him, not you. I like you too much to be mad or disgusted."
My mouth pulled into a huge grin as his words flooded me with happiness, but the grin faded when he added, "But you should probably be mad because I pushed you away."
So much easier in the dark than it would have been in daylight to say, "I like you too much for that." The utter truth, too. Yes, he'd pushed me away. But then he'd pulled me back again and changed me forever.
After another pause, he said, "I wanted to kiss you again tonight, before you got into bed. But at the same time I didn't. It felt like... you know how sometimes in the game you see someone killing a whole pile of monsters by themselves?"
"Yeah," I said, happy he'd felt the same but not at all sure where this was going.
"Usually the player just gets slaughtered, but every so often you see someone taking on a ton of monsters and doing an amazing job. And you think, 'If I join in, it won't be as incredible,' so you leave the guy alone, because something that awesome should be left to stand by itself. That's how I felt about that kiss."
Toronto Collection Volume 1 (Toronto Series #1-5) Page 70
