Christmas Carol

by Speer, Flora

  It was a long time before either of them was able to speak again. Nicholas lifted his weight off her and gathered her tenderly into his arms, holding her so her back was toward the warming fire.

  “Hush, my dearest, don’t cry.” He wiped a tear off her cheek. “Surely you know that I love you, too, and I will not leave you or think less of you because of what we have just done.”

  “Do you mean that?” She wasn’t certain he heard her, because he continued as if he were musing aloud to himself.

  “How can this have happened to me, when I never loved before? But I do love now, and more completely than I ever dreamed was possible. Caroline, I think I would die without you.”

  It was then, at that exact moment, that Carol realized she could not tell him the truth after all. Sooner or later, she was going to have to go back to the twentieth century, while he would have to remain where and when he was and marry Lady Caroline. And while he might think he would die without her, Carol knew she would go mad if she left him to suffer for the rest of his life from the loss of the woman he loved. The pain he would feel at her absence she would feel too, for they were bound together beyond the limits of mere time or space. The only solution, the best thing for Nicholas, was to let him go on believing that the woman he loved was the real Lady Caroline.

  “What an unexpected joy,” he murmured, stretching luxuriously while keeping Carol still within the circle of his arms, “that having made up our minds to be practical and do our respective duties, we have found love.”

  After a long, sweet kiss, he withdrew his arm from beneath her shoulders and propped himself up on one elbow so he could look down at her. He spoke softly, gently, as if he wanted to quell any fears she might still have after the last, tender hour.

  “Caroline, my dear, there is something I must ask you. Please do not be embarrassed, and do not be afraid to tell me the truth. I believe it is what you wanted to tell me last night during our carriage ride, and what you have been trying to say since you came here today. Only something so vitally important could lead you to disregard the rules of proper conduct. You see, for all the recent changes in your actions, I do still know you fairly well.” He ended with a smile.

  “What do you want to know?” Carol did not think he could suspect the truth. Something else must be bothering him.

  “I could scarcely believe my discovery,” he said, still speaking softly, “because you have always, until the last few days, been the very model of a well-brought-up young lady.”

  “Have I said or done something to offend you?”

  “I cannot answer that question until after I have heard your explanation. I am aware that there may be some innocent explanation, Caroline, and I am willing to listen to it without anger, and without blaming you.”

  ‘What are you talking about?” She sat up, putting a little distance between them, so she could think without the distraction of his warm skin against hers.

  “My dear,” he said quietly, “you were not a virgin.”

  “Oh, my God. You could tell? Of course you could. That’s why you stopped for a second right in the middle of everything, isn’t it? Oh, what you must think of me. I know how important a bride’s virginity is to the men of this time. Nicholas,” she gasped, “does this mean you want to call off the engagement?”

  “It means I want to know what happened to you. Some girls ride a lot, and that can make a difference, but you have never been particularly fond of horses. Well, Caroline?” He was sitting up, too, now, facing her directly. He did not look angry, but Carol thought he must be awfully disappointed in his fiancee.

  “I don’t expect you to think well of me after I’ve come here in defiance of all the polite rules of society. Certainly, you can’t want to marry me after discovering that I am—what shall I call it, Nicholas? Used? Would that be an appropriate word?” She saw him wince at the harsh term.

  “Just tell me what happened,” he said. “I have a right to know, and I am willing to listen.”

  “I guess you are being a lot nicer to me than most men would be at a time like this. How could I have been stupid enough to ruin everything for you and for Lady—” She broke off, staring at him. His face was pale and his eyes were hard. When she moved, trying to put even more distance between them, he caught her arm to hold her where she was.

  “Answer my question, Caroline.” So compelling was his manner that she did as he demanded. She told him the truth.

  “I thought he loved me. He said he would marry me. But then my circumstances changed, so he left me.”

  “When?” he said. “When did it happen?”

  “It was almost eight years ago.”

  “Eight years? You were only sixteen? You were still a schoolgirl! Caroline, where were your parents? How could they allow this to happen?” When she did not answer, he went on in a deadly cold tone of voice. “How long did this affair last?”

  “It wasn’t an affair,” she cried. “It only happened once. It was very fast and not at all pleasant for me. In fact, it was painful. And bloody. He left me feeling dirty and emotionally numb. After that one time, I wouldn’t let him get close enough to do it again. But I still thought he would marry me. I actually thought he loved me in spite of the fact that he had taken what he wanted without regard to my feelings. Some girls are incredibly foolish, aren’t they?” There were tears running down her face, but she ignored them.

  “Who was he?” Nicholas demanded, and she could tell he wanted to kill the man. At least that wasn’t going to be a problem.

  “His name was Robert Drummond,” she said. “You don’t know him.”

  “Sir Robert Drummond?” His voice hardened. “I am aware of the man’s existence, though I have refused his acquaintance in the past.”

  “No, it’s not possible,” she groaned, fearing the worst. Ever since the terrible night when Robert had so callously taken her virginity, Carol had sensed that he was not finished with her. He had disappeared from her life when her father’s bankruptcy became public knowledge and she had never seen him again, yet his memory went with her wherever she was, like an evil shadow standing behind her.

  “It is fortunate that he left the country last year or I would be obliged to call him out,” said Nicholas.

  “Left England?” she repeated, wondering how there could be two such cold, uncaring men as Robert Drummond. With all the pain of her unhappy past in her voice, she added, “I hope he went straight to Hell.”

  “In point of fact, he emigrated to America rather than fight a duel with an outraged father. From what I have heard, the case was similar to yours, my dear. I am sorry you were so badly used, Caroline, and so poorly protected by your family. Your parents must be held partly responsible for what happened to you, you know.”

  “I suppose you will want to cancel our engagement now,” she whispered, gazing down at her own hands rather than at his face. “I know that noblemen feel they have the right to demand virgin brides, so they can be absolutely certain their heirs are actually their own children.”

  He lifted her chin so she was forced to look at him, though she was so consumed with shame at having proven to be less than he wanted her to be that she would have preferred to keep her face hidden. He was silent for a long while, looking deep into her eyes. When at last he spoke, he did not say what she expected to hear.

  “How can I reject you when I have just done something similar to you?” he asked.

  “Not similar at all,” Carol protested. “This time, instead of hating what was happening, I cooperated. You gave me several chances to say no. If I had said no, you would have stopped. And you saw to it that I enjoyed what we did. Those are very big differences, Nicholas.”

  “Now I know why you were always so cool to me, and why you were cold toward other men, too. No wonder you reached four and twenty with nary a proposal. It was because in your heart, you wanted nothing to do with men after that tragic betrayal of your innocent trust. I consider it little short of a miracle that you
were able to overcome your distaste for an act that you must, ever since that terrible day, have regarded as horribly brutal. I will never forget that I am the man you loved enough to trust me not to hurt you when I possessed you.” One finger traced along her cheek to the corner of her mouth. “I understand so much more about you now. Caroline, I want to change the terms of our agreement.”

  “I know. You don’t want to marry me.” She met his eyes with a touch of defiance. “All right, Nicholas. Thank you for the kind words, but they really weren’t necessary. I will agree to break the engagement without making a big public fuss, so you will be spared any scandal. I know by now how important a good reputation is to you.

  “However,” Carol went on, determined to salvage something out of the debacle she had created by giving way to her foolish passion for this man, “I do place one condition on my compliance with your wishes. You must promise me that you will still settle that dowry on Penelope so she can marry Lord Simmons. Penelope should not have to suffer for my youthful transgressions. And I don’t want her to know the real reason for the end of our engagement either. We can tell her it was à mutual agreement.”

  “Caroline.” Nicholas was grinning at her. When he continued, she could not believe what she was hearing. “I am amazed that I have only recently begun to appreciate what a wonderful person you are. I thank heaven that you were finally able to overcome the coldness that was your heart’s protection against the terrible thing that was done to you.

  “Penelope will have her dowry. Never fear on that score. Penelope will always be like a sister to me.”

  “Thank you.” Carol wished he would stop smiling at her in that crazy way, when she felt like crying her eyes out. Not only had she ruined everything for herself, she had succeeded in ruining Lady Caroline’s life, too, in spite of Lady Augusta’s ghostly predictions that Carol would be unable to change the past. It was unforgivable, when Lady Caroline had never done anything to hurt Carol.

  “I believe, my dear,” said Nicholas, still grinning, “that you have misunderstood me. I do not wish to break off our engagement, nor to change the financial settlements. I only want to renegotiate the personal terms.”

  “What are you saying?” Carol gasped.

  “I think you know. I entered this betrothal as you did, seeking only practical gains. I wanted an heir to my title, while you sought economic security for yourself and a dowry for your sister so she could follow her heart. We both forgot the emotional aspects of marriage.

  “Caroline, I will say it again. In these last three days, I have fallen deeply into love with you. Nothing I have learned this afternoon has changed my feelings.”

  “You love me in spite of my awful history?” she exclaimed, still disbelieving.

  “I am as surprised as you are,” he said ruefully. “Caroline, I tell you in all truthfulness, if someone had proposed today’s events to me as a hypothetical problem, I would have said that I would reject the woman in the case. But I find I cannot reject you. Yes, I do love you, with all my heart, and all the more because you were willing to flout convention to come to me in order to confess your sad past. Have you any idea what your trust and honesty mean to me?” Kneeling before her, he took both of her hands in his.

  “Lady Caroline,” he said in a formal voice, “I want to make a new betrothal, here and now. I do solemnly promise that I will love you and protect and care for you for the rest of our lives. And I will be a faithful husband. I swear it on my honor.”

  “Nicholas, are you absolutely sure about this?” she cried, dismayed by his misreading of her intentions in coming to him and wondering what would happen when he found himself wed to the real, presumably virginal, Lady Caroline.

  “I have never been so certain of anything in my entire life.” Lifting her hands to his lips, he kissed them both, and then kissed her mouth to seal what he referred to as their new betrothal.

  “I love you, too,” Carol murmured. “I will always love you, no matter where or when I find myself.”

  “You will find yourself always at my side,” he whispered, “because after we are wed, I will never let you be anywhere else.” He drew her down to lie on the carpet again while he made love to her once more. This time he told her repeatedly what was in his heart and Carol, bound to him forever by her own love, responded with a depth of emotion that left both of them shaken yet completely satisfied.

  Later, after he helped her to dress, Nicholas called for his carriage and took her back to Marlowe House.

  “Do not forget the ball this evening,” he reminded her as they waited for Lady Augusta’s butler to open the door.

  “I won’t.” she responded.

  “Now that we are properly betrothed,” he added, smiling into her eyes, “I am permitted to issue commands to you.”

  “Are you, indeed, my lord?” She could not help smiling back at him. “And what are your commands for tonight?”

  “You are to save every waltz for me,” he told her, “in memory of the waltz you demanded on the night of our betrothal ball. It was then, Caroline, when I first saw the new spirit shining in your eyes, that I fell into love with you.”

  “Nicholas,” she promised, “I will never dance the waltz with anyone but you.”

  “My lady,” the butler informed Carol as soon as the heavy front door closed upon Nicholas’s departing figure, “Lady Augusta is in the drawing room. She gave orders that she wishes to see you the moment you return from shopping.”

  Gowned in high-waisted, long-sleeved dark green, Lady Augusta stood still as a statue against the background of holiday decorations, watching Carol enter the drawing room.

  “I need not ask what you have been doing during your absence,” Lady Augusta said in the chilling tone Carol had heard too many times during her employment as a companion in twentieth-century London. “One glance at your glowing cheeks and shining eyes and the dullest imbecile would know you have been making love with Nicholas.”

  “I won’t deny it, no matter what punishment you are planning for me. I am not ashamed of what I did this afternoon.” All the same, Carol kept some distance between herself and Lady Augusta. “The only thing worrying me about what I did is the possibility that I may have managed to change history just enough to ruin Lady Caroline’s life.”

  “Why should that possibility disturb you?” Lady Augusta’s eyes seemed to burn into Carol’s very soul. Under that intensely focused gaze Carol could only respond with truth directly from her heart.

  “Lady Caroline never did anything to me. After living in her body for these last few days, I have begun to like her. I respect her determination to make it possible for her sister to have a happy life. I don’t want to do anything to hurt her or to leave her life in a mess as a result of my actions.”

  “I am pleased to learn that you are now capable of caring about another person. Your concern for Lady Caroline signifies an important development in your own character.”

  “Not entirely.” Finding Lady Augusta’s penetrating eyes no softer in spite of her approving words, Carol was still compelled to speak the truth. “I have fallen into love with Nicholas. I will always love him.”

  “That is a pity.” Lady Augusta did not sound the least bit sorry.

  “Why?” Carol demanded.

  “Because it is time for us to return to the twentieth century,” said Lady Augusta.

  Chapter 6

  “Go back now?” Carol cried. “No, please, not yet.”

  “You did not want to come into the past in the first place,” Lady Augusta reminded her. “No sooner did you arrive than you wanted to return to your shabby little room and your emotionally arid existence.”

  “I know. But that was before I met Nicholas.” “Whom you claim to love,” said Lady Augusta disdainfully.

  “I do love him. You can’t change that.” “Perhaps I do not want to change it.” Lady Augusta’s penetrating eyes watched for Carol’s slightest reaction as she asked a cool and pointed question. “Exactly
how much do you love Nicholas?”

  Carol wished Lady Augusta would look somewhere other than into her eyes so she would have at least a slim chance of lying about her feelings and getting away with it. She was afraid there could be some unknown danger, to her and perhaps to Nicholas, too, in Lady Augusta’s knowledge of the extent and depth of her love for him. She could not lie, nor could she evade an honest answer by quoting an old verse she knew, to the effect that if she could say how much, she did not love at all. She was being forced to tell the truth.

  “I love him with my heart and my soul and— yes—with my body, too,” she said.

  “Do you love him enough to give him up so he can have the life he was meant to have?” asked Lady Augusta.

  “What do you mean by that?”

  “While you were unable to change the course of history by your presence in this time, you were able to change the way Nicholas feels about his fiancée.”

  “He loves me,” Carol said. “He fell in love because his fiancée is different now. He told me so. And that difference is me.”

  “Do not mistake your situation,” Lady Augusta warned. “Nicholas is meant for Lady Caroline. He will marry her, not you. She, not you, will bear his children and live with him into old age.”

  “Then why did you bother asking me if I love him enough to give him up?” Carol demanded. “It is obvious that I am not going to be given a choice in the matter, so what difference can it make whether or not I am willing to let him go?”

  “You have done what you were meant to do in this time.”

  “That’s no answer. It seems to me that all I’ve done here is hurt some very nice people. Thanks to me, Nicholas now believes Lady Caroline gave up her virtue to another man.” Recollections of the afternoon flooded over Carol—the memory of Nicholas’s passionate embrace, of his startled comprehension that the body he was entering was not virgin, and then his remarkable understanding when Carol revealed her hasty, unhappy, prior experience with Robert Drummond. But in confessing the incident, Carol had been speaking of her own past, not Lady Caroline’s.