by Melanie Finn
Sugar makes a sad, sympathetic face, though her makeup looks like a Kabuki mask. ‘Men. Why we always choose the ones who are shits?’
‘But he’s someone else’s arsehole now,’ Harry says, leaning across the table. ‘You see that, don’t you, pet?’ Then he shifts back, lets Sugar take his hand in her large, decorative paw and lead him to the dance floor. I order another cocktail, sweet and overbearing like comfort food, and watch them, Sugar oozing and gyrating and Harry surprisingly able to follow the beat.
Harry’s got it a little bit wrong: I didn’t fall in love with Tom because of his goodness. I never examined him, never drew the chart of Tom. Shoulder of goodness, hock of deceit, the fine brain. I saw the brilliant whole, without considering the parts, the atoms, that made Tom, Tom.
Under the spinning disco ball, I realize his otherness was absolute. On that summer day on the edge of Lac Léman, I see myself letting go of his hand. And Elise stepping up to him. He looked at me across the distance, asking me to come back. He didn’t want to talk to her. But I turned and kept walking, and maybe what he was seeing was not Elise staying, but me walking away.
Geneva, April 18
The Rue Saint-Léger was a street of children. Families burst out of high wooden doors, prams, dogs, nannies, children whirling like pinwheels. I waited at a discreet distance, pretending to do the International Herald Tribune crossword. I looked as if I belonged.
Elise came out of No. 41, the baby in a harness across her chest. Her hair was tied up carelessly, her face bare. She wore sloppy jeans and a man’s sweater—one of Tom’s, a gift I’d given him years ago. She crossed the street, into the park.
The trees were lovely, the buds just emerging: an entire summer compressed like silk scarves in a magician’s pocket. It was a warm day, though the sun was dulled by the muslin of high clouds. Elise walked toward the pond, and from the bag over her shoulder, pulled out a loaf of bread to feed the ducks. Perhaps she might fling the baby into the water, perhaps she was a lunatic. But she simply fed the ducks and kissed her baby’s head.
‘Pilgrim?’
I turned.
‘What are you doing here?’
He was standing on the path, having come into the park behind me. He was carrying a box from a bakery, containing, I supposed, sandwiches for him and Elise.
I looked away, my face scalded.
He took my arm. ‘Come, come with me.’ He glanced toward Elise, but she hadn’t seen us. Once outside the park, he led me into a café. In his impeccable French he ordered two coffees.
For a long time I kept my gaze down. When I did look up I saw Tom, my husband, and it was everything I could do not to reach across the table and touch him.
‘Why,’ he said, quite gently. ‘That’s what you want to know.’
The waiter brought the coffees and shared a joke with Tom. Oh, everyone loved Tom.
‘Mrs Gassner told me you didn’t buy the land.’
He pressed his lips together. Something I’d never seen before: Tom at a loss for words. Finally, he managed only, ‘Elise.’ Whatever he intended to say next, he abandoned.
I began to laugh. It seemed better than the alternative, the great hard sobs lodged in my throat and the ugly tears that would stain my face and redden my nose. I giggled. Tom stared.
‘Are you all right?’
‘Tom. Tom, Tom, Tom.’ I tapped my fingers on the table, a little drum, the background music of my life. Tom-tomtom-tom.
I stopped, and we sat in silence.
At last, he said, ‘I don’t know how it happened, I can’t even remember how.’
‘Really? You can’t remember cheating on your wife? Did you do it all the time, is that why. I just didn’t know?’
‘No.’ He shook his head vigorously. ‘It was after work, and we went out for a drink. I wasn’t even drunk.’
‘But you found her attractive, you couldn’t resist her.’
Again, he pursed his lips. ‘I won’t do it, Pilgrim. I’m not going to betray her.’
‘But you betrayed me.’
‘There’s a difference. I didn’t intend to betray you.’
‘This is about intention? Oh, Tom, such a lawyer. It’s about what you did.’
He wasn’t looking at me, he was playing with a little sugar packet.
‘You left one Sunday evening,’ I said. ‘And you didn’t come back.’
When he turned his gaze to me, I saw his eyes were red and damp. I did what I’d seen him do to hostile witnesses on the stand, soldiers who’d put children in churches and burned them to the ground: I waited. Because it’s a human need: to justify.
‘I can’t explain Elise.’
‘Then explain me.’
He deliberated, he wanted to get it right. ‘The world is so broken. And I would come home and all I wanted was for you to be there, clean and smelling so wonderful, and I could wash myself in you.’
‘We could have had a child.’
Strangely, he regarded me. I had confused him. ‘But you never said so. You never said.’
‘I didn’t think. I mean, I did. I thought we had time.’
‘We didn’t.’
‘Quelque chose encore?’ The waiter was standing there with his white apron and benign smile.
‘No,’ said Tom. ‘Merci, mais non.’
No, there will be nothing more.
We walked outside, and I wondered what we should do—a quick, chaste embrace? Des bisous? Three or two?
‘I heard the inquest is over.’
‘Yes.’
‘How are you?’
‘It’s all right, Tom.’
He took my face in his hand and kissed me, the hungry Tom kisses, this act of open mouths and tongues, two humans inside each other. When it was over, I lightly touched his shoulder with my hand and walked away. He was watching me go, I knew. But I didn’t turn around. I took the train back to Thun and the bus up to Arnau.
My stomach tightened like a fist as I walked from the bus stop, up through the malkerai, toward the flat. I saw the downstairs curtains twitching. Mrs Gassner’s face appeared.
Tanga, May 28
‘Can’t you see what he’s trying to get you to pay for?’
I’ve just mentioned Jamhuri, who has told me about his child. She’s very sick. Gloria is driving me to the Amboni Caves north of town. She takes the road past the Hindu crematorium—a pretty, white colonial-style building surrounded by frangipani trees. It’s right next to the town’s fuel depot, and I wonder if this is a cause for concern.
‘The child has epilepsy,’ she says. ‘He wanted me to take her to a witch doctor. I won’t pay for that crap. So now he’s asking you.’
‘A witch doctor?’ I attempt a look of minor incredulity.
‘You can’t sling a cat in Tanga without hitting one,’ Gloria says. ‘But of course Jamhuri only wants the big gun. A certain Mr Sese.’
‘What does a witch doctor do?’
‘Oh, it’s not so much about the witch doctor, doll. It’s about the believer.’
I frown as if I don’t understand. But I’m thinking about Dorothea. ‘There is a place where many strange things happen. There are ghosts and spirits’ I see her clearly in my mind, her grief and her terror of the box: ‘Take it away from here, take itfar away from here.’
Gloria interprets my expression as disbelief, and rises to the challenge. ‘Last month, I took Jamhuri’s little girl to a specialist in Dar. He prescribed phenobarbital and reckoned she’d probably grow out of it in her teens. But you know how these people are—well, you don’t, do you? Jamhuri was expecting she’d get an injection or an operation and be completely healed, just like that. I don’t think he even tried the pills. That’s why he wants to go to Mr Sese. He thinks she’s possessed by shetani. He wants you to pay for his daughter to see Mr Sese.’
‘Shetani?’
‘Ghosts. Spirits. They’re everywhere. Apparently.’
‘And Mr Sese is—’
‘The pre-eminen
t witch doctor.’ She leans toward me in a stage whisper. ‘He advises the president.’
Gloria brakes at an intersection, takes this opportunity to turn and regard me with her curious owl stare. She’s trying very hard to locate the rat she senses scurrying through my words.
A loud honking erupts behind her. ‘Where the hell do you think you’re going in such a hurry?’ she yells out the window, but shifts into first and pulls forward. ‘Don’t get me wrong. These guys like Sese are very powerful. When I first got here, I had a girl who came to cook and clean. She was a little thing. After a couple of months, I noticed she was turning gray. No kidding, her skin was turning gray. Like wet cement. I finally got her to talk to me. She said she was dying. I didn’t doubt that to look at her. I took her to the doctor. Full panel of blood work. A small fortune. No AIDS, no cancer, no TB, everything fine. The doctor told me she was indeed dying—from a powerful curse. I said, “You can’t be serious, you’re a doctor.” He said, “Of the body, not the spirit.”
‘He told me there are certain curses so powerful that the person who casts them must also die. The only way you can kill your enemy is to kill yourself. For instance, there’s this cooking pot curse. You sneak into your enemy’s kitchen and steal his cooking pot. You shout a curse into it, wishing their death. Then you smash the pot and bury the shards in the bush. If your enemy manages to find all the pieces and put the pot back together, then he will be saved. If not, well, kufa kabisa—he’s dead. But—’ she sticks a stubby finger in the air to make her point. ‘But, you die too. That’s the deal you make with the shetani. A twofer.’
‘Twofer?’
‘Sure. Two fer the price of one. And, you know, that little gray girl, I found her one morning in her room, curled up like a dead moth you’d find in the window. I suppose she’d died in her sleep, there was nothing to be done, she’d got it into her head that she was going to die, she’d willed herself to die. And so she died. I don’t know why she thought she deserved it. But that’s a powerful thing: to do with a thought what most of us can only do with a gun.’
I glance at Gloria’s profile. She is all soft. A small, putty nose, skin loose and soft as dough, her great soft body pillowing in her soft, drapey clothes. I notice for the first time that her pale blonde hair is actually dyed. Her roots reveal a mousey gray. Did Mary dye her hair—or does this belong to Gloria alone?
After a moment I ask her, ‘What do you believe, Gloria?’
She hoots a laugh. ‘Moolah, doll. I believe in Almighty Moolah.’
We pass the old Amboni Sisal estate, just bush now perforated by the occasional row of sisal. How precisely the sisal was planted, the immaculately measured rows. What were the colonial farmers thinking? That they could take this unscrupulous bush and make it neat as a formal garden? This Africa where people smash cooking pots and die of curses.
At some point, Gloria makes a left turn onto an unmarked dirt track. Only when we’ve driven several hundred yards do I see a small sign announcing: Department of Antiquities—Amboni Caves. Gloria makes several more turns—none of which are signposted—past a school, through the middle of a small village and a flock of chickens, cutting a hard right in what looks like someone’s front yard, and then down a steep, rocky hill. The bottom of the car crunches over rocks and jars against rills of erosion. Gloria doesn’t seem concerned. The car rattles and squeals.
We enter a thick screen of fig trees and cross a dry riverbed. The shadows are deep and cool and grateful, and soon we arrive at the caves. An old man in a Muslim kofia gets up from his chair under the trees. He stands very erect, like a soldier.
Gloria turns off the car. ‘Watch how he doesn’t give us a receipt. Not that I blame him, given what he must get paid.’
She greets the old man with great politeness, which he returns. They speak at some length in complicated Swahili.
He takes the money and disappears into a small, dark hut. He emerges carrying a flashlight and no receipts. ‘Swahili or English?’ he asks, looking at Gloria.
‘Oh, I’m not going in. I’ve been before.’
‘But you’ve paid, madam,’ the guide says in perfect English.
‘I’m waiting for a call. You go on.’ She opens her handbag and scrambles for her phone ringing inside. ‘The Ministry of Health. Let’s see how much they want.’ Then she sneers, ‘Uchawi, my ass.’
The guide leads me up a set of steps carved from the rock. ‘This is limestone,’ he says. ‘Long ago, it was beneath the sea. And the sea created these caves. But now the sea is very far away. Yes, the world changes.’
The entrance has been domesticated. Beneath the tall archway of stone and the canopy of wild vines, the sandy floor has been swept and plastic patio furniture placed on a natural terrace. There are potted plants and, on the table, half a clamshell for an ashtray.
From here I can see Gloria. She is standing with her back to us, gesticulating, as if she’s angry or perhaps just adamant.
‘Let us begin the tour, madam,’ the guide insists. And so we enter the caves.
He talks about the bats, which cluster like dark grapes on the cave roof above. When he shines his flashlight they twitter and fidget. I don’t have to worry about them, he assures me, they never attack. The danger is not from the bats but from the cave itself.
A couple and their dog were exploring the cave, he says, sweeping the flashlight to the right, illuminating a small chamber. ‘The dog fell down this hole.’ The ground without warning, a socket; impossible to see unless you were looking for it; impossible to know its depth. ‘The husband and wife decided to climb in to try to get the dog because they could hear it barking.’ He pauses for effect and to make a small sigh. ‘They were swallowed by the cave. Never seen again. Completely gone.’
We walk on. I think about the story, how it doesn’t make sense. If the couple were never seen again, how does anyone know they went looking for their dog down this particular hole? But I have no doubt that people have gone missing here, in this maze of dead ends and sightless corridors, unseen holes. There is no natural light. We are within the earth, like rabbits. The guide says the tunnel system goes so deep and is so extensive that cave experts have not been able to chart it. However, some believe it goes all the way to Mount Kilimanjaro—five hundred miles west.
He shows me another low and unexceptional cave where three Mau Mau fighters hid during the war for independence in Kenya. And here, around the corner, the rock has formed a chair. He is not satisfied until I sit in the chair and say, ‘Why, yes, it is exactly like a chair!’
We climb up a ramp of earth, squeeze between a crack. ‘Are you afraid of the dark?’ he asks. ‘I am going to make it very dark.’ He turns off the flashlight.
This is not darkness but a kind of obliteration.
I think about Strebel’s daughter telling him she thought she was dead.
The guide turns on the flashlight.
‘No,’ I say. ‘Just a few more minutes.’
He turns it off, makes a dry little cough.
My body blends with the darkness. The barrier of skin dissolves. I diffuse into the air, into the exhalation of my breath. I am the tiniest particles, un-being.
He sighs, turns the light back on. ‘Now I show you the image of Jesus.’ When I hesitate—for I feel the loss of that moment—he registers his annoyance, ‘You must come, please. The tour is for a limited time.’ We walk down another tunnel and he illuminates a smudge of mildew that vaguely resembles a face.
‘Yes, it looks exactly like the face of Jesus.’ My voice surprises me, as if it is coming back to me, an echo, from very far away. ‘Exactly like the face of Jesus.’
I have no idea that we have turned toward the mouth of the cave, only that I can feel my pupils begin to shrink. Daylight filters in, low down along the ground. We surface slowly into light.
Just before the entrance, I notice a small side chamber crammed with plates of fruit, sticks of incense, bottles labeled as rose water.
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��What is this?’
The guide hurries on, waving his hand impatiently, ‘Just local people. Pagans.’
‘But what is it for?’
‘I am a Muslim! This is for primitive people.’
‘Can I look?’
He sighs. He is a repertoire of sighs. This one expresses long-suffering acquiescence.
‘Why do they make the offerings?’
‘For good health, for money. Some women ask for help to get a child. For many different things.’
I kneel down. ‘Has this been here for a long time?’
‘Yes. Many, many years. As a boy I remember it.’
In my place, exactly here, the desperate have knelt with their hopes and desires. Women have begged to conceive. Mothers have prayed for their children to be well again. Men have asked for opportunity, for rain, for a new fishing boat, for good luck at sea.
How foolish to believe life could change with the lighting of incense, the purchase of rose water, the offering of eggs. And yet, when you have reached the end of yourself, what else is there? When the tangible world has failed you, why not indulge in the possibility that a corner of the universe might stir, send a shiver of atoms through space, that you might be delivered after all.
The guide shifts his weight. Any moment now he will sigh. I am about to obey, to stand.
But something among the bottles catches my eye: a small jar containing a piece of flowered cloth. I reach in and take the jar.
‘No, no!’ The guide steps forward, alarmed. ‘You must not touch the offerings!’
I’m not really listening. I take out the cloth. It is red cotton flannel with yellow and white flowers.
I look up at the guide, showing him the jar, ‘Do you know who put this here?’
