by Diane Hoh
“Katie?” Kevin was staring up at her, his own eyes wide and frightened. “Katie, what’s ailin’ you?”
Katie roused herself. The children—she must take care of the children. There was no one else to do it.
She shook her head to clear it, and began walking in the direction that seemed right to her. Up a corridor, around a corner… still no people, no crew, no one to tell her which way to go to get up on top…down another hallway, around another corner…it was like a maze. And there were no voices leading her onward, no signs giving her instructions. What if she was leading them in the wrong direction? What if they got lost down here in the belly of the ship and never did find their way up on top? If the ship really was sinking, they would all three disappear into the deep, dark ocean, never to be seen again. And it would be her fault. Ma and Da would be so disappointed in her.
When she saw, ahead of her, a steward hurrying along the passageway, she thought at first that she was fancifying, that he couldn’t really be there. But she shouted to him, anyway, and to her heartfelt relief, he turned. And waited until Katie and her charges caught up with him.
“I only have two life preservers,” she said breathily, “and as you can see, there are three of us. Might you have another one with you, then?”
He shook his head. “Could be more up top, though. You’d best get up there, miss, quick as you can. Make your way to the boat deck if you can. There’s people gatherin’ on the well deck, but it’s my opinion that they might find themselves stuck there. The gates, y’know. They’ll be locked, as they always is. You’ll be wantin’ to be closer to the lifeboats, so the boat deck is the place to be. Don’t let no one stop you.”
Katie lowered her voice. Her hands were trembling. “Is there real danger, then?”
He looked away, then looked back at her, and kept his own voice low as he answered, “Yes, miss, I’m afraid there is.”
Before that could sink in and render her completely incapable of making any more sensible decisions, Katie asked quickly, “Can you tell us how to get up top, please?”
He gave her directions, and hurried off, perhaps to find his own life preserver.
Katie had only one thought now, and that was to get herself and the two children out of the depths of the ship and up on deck, where there would be air and light and people…people who would know what to do. She felt she would suffocate if she didn’t get out of these narrow passageways soon. “We’ll be hurryin’ now,” she told the children, “now that we know which way to go. We’ll find Brian and Paddy. They’ll know what to do. We’ll be right as rain in no time.” But her words sounded hollow even to her own ears.
Still, she heaved another sigh of relief when they reached the gate mentioned by the steward as a way out.
And gasped in horror when she tried to open it and found it locked.
Katie glanced around frantically. He hadn’t told her any other way to go, only this way, and how could she go this way if the gate was locked to her?
She pulled and tugged and kicked, but to no avail. Tears of frustration gathered in her eyes. Responsibility for the safety of the children weighed on her heavily. She was painfully aware of their questioning eyes on her, knew they were expecting her to save them from whatever horror was taking place.
Taking a deep breath, she turned to say to them in as even a voice as she could manage, “Well, we shan’t be goin’ this way, after all. We’ll have to do a bit of explorin’ now, on our own. Won’t that be an adventure, then?”
She could see by the look on Kevin’s face that he knew the truth, but Bridey seemed to perk up just a bit. “Can I lead the way, Katie?” she asked, and since there seemed to be no reason to deny her request, Katie let her take the lead.
So it was Bridey who first turned a corner and cried out, “Paddy! You found us!”
Her shout sent Katie’s heart leaping for joy even before Paddy’s tall, strong figure appeared. “God, I’ve been lookin’ all over creation for the lot of you,” he shouted when he saw her. “Where in the name of all that’s holy have you been? I went to your cabin, had a devil of a time gettin’ through, what with everyone goin’ the other way, bag and baggage, and none of you was there. Some of the girls was cryin’. They said they hadn’t seen you. What are you doin’, wanderin’ around down here like this when orders are to get up on top?”
But when he reached her, he stopped shouting and pulled her roughly into his arms. She thought she felt him trembling, just as she was. “Oh, Katie-girl,” he murmured into her hair, “I thought I wasn’t goin’ to find you.” He held her so tight, she could scarcely breathe, but she didn’t mind. Her body felt like warm water, so glad was she to be safe against his chest. All of her terror melted under his touch.
“The gate…it was locked,” she told him. “The steward said to go that way, but the gate was locked.”
“There’s another way, the way I came. There’s a door connecting E deck to a second-class staircase, goes to the boat deck. Everyone was passin’ it right by as if it was locked, but ’twasn’t. I checked. I’ll show you. Then I’ve got to go find Brian. He was helpin’ some old people with their things, and I lost sight of him.”
As she walked beside him down the passageway, Katie wanted to shout, No, don’t go! Don’t leave us! But she didn’t. It was enough that he was leading them above-decks, taking them out of the dark, lonely depths of the ship. She couldn’t ask for more than that. And she could understand why he needed to find his brother. “Are we really sinkin’, then?” she asked him softly so the children wouldn’t hear.
His expression became grim. “Looks like it. But there’s lifeboats above. I’ll see that you and the wee ones get into one before I hunt for Bri.”
“No! I have to know Brian’s all right before I go sailin’ off in some lifeboat. We’ll wait. Surely there’s time?”
Paddy looked doubtful. “Bri can take care of himself, but I know you’d be frettin’ over him. I’ll find him for you, Katie.”
And who will find you for me, then? Katie wondered, her heart racing with fear for both brothers. She didn’t want to lose either of them. But she knew her heart would never mend if she lost Paddy. Never.
They hurried in silence, Paddy moving with a certainty that reassured Katie. He knew where he was going, which was more than she could say for herself. Still, pride forced her to say, “I could have found a way out, you know. I’m grateful to you for showin’ up, but I could have found a way. I wouldn’t have let the wee ones drown.”
He turned his head to grin down at her. “Aye, I know you would have. Even if you had to shinny the jibs, the way some of the fellows are doin’. When they found locked gates, like you did, they took to crawlin’ along the jibs of the cargo cranes into second class, then from there to the boat deck. I pressed Bri to go with them, but he was busy helpin’ the Molloys and that Swedish girl and her friends.”
Alarm seized Katie. “We won’t have to do that, will we? Crawl on the jibs?” She hated heights. And the children would never be able to manage.
“No, ma’am. Like I said, I found us an open door.”
Still, it seemed to Katie to take hours, up one passageway and down another, through a giant labyrinth that she was certain she could never have navigated by herself. Up a metal staircase that clanged noisily under their feet, into still another narrow corridor, then another. Paddy seemed to know where he was going. She was grateful for that.
She was aware the whole time of an odd sensation under her feet. They had come from the stern area and were moving toward the bow. And it was as if they were going, ever so slightly, downhill. She noticed it most when they began climbing the metal staircase. She would lift her foot to place it on a higher step, but then the step seemed lower than it should have been, as if the treads hadn’t been placed correctly.
Katie tried to figure out what that meant. Did it not mean that the stern was higher than the bow already? Even just a little? If the stern was higher than the bow, that
would mean the ship was sinking by the bow. And yet they seemed to be moving toward the bow. Perhaps they were making a terrible mistake. Wouldn’t it be safer to seek refuge in the stern, which would be higher in the water?
She asked Paddy as much.
“We have to go where the lifeboats are,” he answered. “And we’re not headed for the bow, Katie, just amidships. From there, someone will direct us to the boats. Anyways, I’ve been thinkin’. Remember how we said when we was boardin’ the ship that it sat so high out of the water because it was so tall? Seems to me, even any part of it that’s sinkin’ will still be high up out of the water for hours and hours.”
Katie could only hope he was right.
Which part of the ship was Brian in? Was he safe? And the others, the Molloys, the Donohues, the Norwegian family she’d spoken with at dinner, and Marta and Eileen, where were they all now?
When they finally reached the boat deck, they were shocked by how frigid the air had become. Last night they had sat on the poop deck together, and though it had been cold, it had not been unbearably so. It was now.
Paddy asked the first crewman they encountered how much time they had. The answer was an unhelpful “Dunno.”
Katie couldn’t help noticing that the majority of people on the deck were dressed elegantly. Even those in nightwear had topped it with fur. Some of the women were laden with jewels. Where, then, were all the other third-class women? Why weren’t Marta and Eileen in this crowd?
There was a more perceptible tilt to the deck now. Katie could feel the tension in the air. Fear was beginning to sweep over the ship like a thick cloak of fog. Some people spoke quietly, their anxious eyes searching the deck for an answer to their predicament. Others, more impatient, called out sharply to crew members for answers to their questions, though none seemed to be forthcoming. Jaws were clenched tightly, faces pale, eyes wide with anxiety. Mothers clung fiercely to the hands of their small children.
Katie’s own anxious eyes moved to the people beginning to gather at the lifeboats and thought sickeningly, We are all terrified of having to leave the ship. We are all terrified of having to descend into that black, icy emptiness. But the Titanic was tilting! Who could deny that? It was no longer the safe, secure fortress it had seemed to be.
There was raw anguish in Paddy’s dark eyes when he glanced at her and said, “I don’t want to leave you. But ’tis up to me to find Brian. Will you get into a boat, then, so I’ll know you’re safe enough before I go?”
“No. I will not. We’ll be waitin’ right here for you. But I’d be grateful if you’d hurry back, you and Bri.”
He looked so torn, she stepped forward impulsively and stood on tiptoe to kiss him on the cheek. She was never sure afterward exactly how it happened, but at the last moment he turned his head and suddenly she was kissing his lips instead.
It was a very thorough, heartfelt kiss.
The children giggled.
When Paddy lifted his head, he looked chagrined. “Sorry,” he muttered, stepping away from Katie. “Looks like I done it again. Wasn’t thinkin’, and that’s the truth of it.”
He was leaving and Katie didn’t know what was going to happen. The thought of not knowing where he was on the huge ship filled her with panic. Hiding her feelings, she said softly, “Don’t fret.” She reached up to touch his cheek with an icy but gentle hand. “And thanks to you for bringing us up on top. Make haste now, will you?”
“I will.” Then he was gone, disappearing into the crowd milling about the deck.
His sudden absence left her feeling forlorn and lost.
But she still had the children to think of. “You’d best be gettin’ into a boat, miss,” a steward said. His face was ruddy with cold, although drops of perspiration beaded his forehead. “I’ll show you the way.”
“No!” Katie glanced around for some sign of Brian or Eileen. Though the boat deck was crowded, she saw no familiar faces. The clothing worn by the milling passengers spoke to her only of first class. She recognized no one from third class. Where were the families, and the young girls and men with whom she’d been traveling? “I don’t want to go yet. There’s time, isn’t there?”
He shook his head. “I don’t know, miss. Doesn’t seem like there is. They’re sayin’ it’s time to get into the boats, that’s all I know.”
Katie debated. She had to think of the children. But how could she leave the ship without knowing that Brian and Paddy were safe?
Still, she couldn’t deny the sense of urgency spreading among the passengers on deck. Though some had been joking when they first arrived up top, that had ended as the tilt of the ship became more noticeable. Even the most optimistic among them could no longer pretend this was just a routine drill. And those who had been calm, as if they might be waiting for the arrival of a train, were now pressing closer to the lifeboats, intent on finding a place in one. The words of those who spoke now and again were tense, high-pitched with fear.
“I’ll wait just a bit,” Katie told the steward. “But I won’t risk the children, I promise you that.”
Nodding, he hurried off to deal with more cooperative passengers.
Tightly clutching the hands of Bridey and Kevin, and terrified that she had just made a terrible mistake, Katie waited for Brian and Paddy.
Chapter 22
Monday, April 15, 1912
Elizabeth’s mother refused to stand out in the cold. She insisted that Elizabeth come with her into the gymnasium, where many people had gathered to wait for instructions. “It’s warm in there,” Nola Farr said, her voice breathless with agitation. As she spoke, she tugged on Elizabeth’s sleeve. “I have no idea what’s happening, but it is foolish to stay out here and freeze to death.”
Elizabeth’s father didn’t go with them, saying he needed to talk to the captain or Bruce Ismay, the head of the White Star Line, to find out exactly “what the situation is.” Max went with him.
No one inside the warm, brightly lit gymnasium seemed to know what the “situation” was. Elizabeth knew the fear she saw in most of the faces and felt within herself was fear of the unknown. No one was aware of exactly what was happening, they only knew that something was. And it frightened them. Hands holding coffee cups or glasses trembled, high-pitched voices quavered as they discussed what might be taking place. Occasional laughter sounded false and forced.
Elizabeth saw people deep in intense conversation. Others were standing silent and white-faced, and still others wore the same look of bewilderment she had seen on the shoeless woman. All were wearing the bulky white life vests over their clothing. Although many women were wearing furs, there were others dressed far less sensibly. A beautiful blonde woman in a vivid blue evening gown and matching satin heeled slippers had for warmth only a silk, long-sleeved jacket in the same bright blue. She was visibly shivering with cold and, Elizabeth realized, fear. Another woman had taken the time to don a wide-brimmed, veiled black hat, though she was wearing thin nightclothes under a pink chenille bathrobe. A bald man in pajamas and overcoat had forgotten his eyeglasses and was complaining that he couldn’t see well. His lack of clear vision seemed to be adding to his barely restrained panic as he wandered from group to group, asking querulously if anyone had yet spoken to the captain about this “annoying delay.”
In spite of the tangible anxiety in the gymnasium, as Nola led the way to a warm corner, Elizabeth picked up bits and fragments of conversation meant to reassure.
“…only take a few minutes to fix it. Then we’ll be on our way again. Hardly lose any time at all. The ship’s been breaking speed records, anyway, so we won’t be more than a little late into New York.”
“…might put us off on the lifeboats, but it’ll only be till they’ve seen to the problem. A nuisance, no one’s arguing that, but apparently it’s necessary. Something about weight, I gather. We’ll be back on board before breakfast.”
“…not leaving the ship to get into some flimsy old lifeboat, I can tell you. Damn cold out t
here, catch our death, die of pneumonia before we get to New York.”
“…sue the White Star Line, that’s what I say. I paid a pretty penny for my first-class ticket, and I have a right to better service than this. Speaking to my attorneys, I am, the minute we get back to civilization. They’ll have something to say about all of this nonsense.”
Elizabeth wished she could believe that it was all “nonsense.” But she didn’t, not for a second. Although no one had come right out and said the ship was sinking, she could feel that something was very wrong. They wouldn’t be holding a drill this late at night, not when it was so unbearably cold outside. Captain Smith wouldn’t be that inconsiderate. She still held out hope that the first person she had overheard was correct, that if they left the ship at all, it would only be briefly. Then they’d get back on and continue with their trip.
Still, in spite of the reassuring statements, the air of anxiety in the room continued unabated.
A crewman passed through the crowd then, shouting an inquiry as to who still needed a life vest. No one did. “This is only a precaution,” he added, still in a shout as he left the gymnasium. “You will all be returning to your staterooms before long.” Before anyone could press him for details, he was gone.
Elizabeth couldn’t have said why she didn’t believe him. She wanted to. He was a crew member, after all, and should know better than they what was taking place. But there was something in his voice…
She didn’t believe him. She didn’t think anyone else did, either. She could almost smell the fear in the room.
