“What?” says Jacob.
“You heard, you’re going for a shower. You won’t need any fresh clothes as you’ll be getting new ones, bring your wash bags with you.”
We all start to undress and leave our clothes on the bed. Gareth watches us all as we strip. I can’t stand this. I can’t stand him looking at me. It makes me want to run out. I know that if this were any other situation I’d get out of there but, somehow, I don’t think I’d get very far.
When we are finished, Gareth makes us line up in front of him and watches us for a few seconds.
“Now I don’t want to hear any arguments from you. You better do exactly what I say. Follow me to the shower block.”
He leads us out of the dorm, past the wood pile where Keith and his group are chopping wood. Keith’s inmates look at us open mouthed until he shouts at them to get on with the wood cutting.
It’s a minute walk away through the forest to the shower blocks. Something about this seems illicit and degrading. Gareth stops when we’re in sight of them and he has such a look in his eyes, extreme. I don’t know what it means.
He lets us lead in then he comes through and locks the doors behind him.
The walls of the wash house are coated in cracked grey porcelain tiles. Showers on one side and sinks on the other and four toilet stalls in their own surrounded area.
Gareth turns the knob that controls the showers and all of them come on. “While those are warming up we’ve got a couple of things to do. Take off your boxers and pass them to me.”
I look at Jacob and he looks back at me. Now for the first time I can see the slightest trace of fear in his eyes.
“Did I ask you to check with your neighbour? Take them off, now!” His voice has almost reached the point of shouting and echoes off the tiled walls. Noah takes his off without any further delay. Even out of the corner of my eye I can see him shaking.
I pull my boxers down as there seems little else to do. As soon as I do Jacob does so as well.
“Right you two,” Gareth nods at Jacob and me, “Turn around and face the showers.”
We do so.
Gareth deals with Noah first. “Empty out your wash bag onto the floor.”
I hear its contents clutter down onto the tiles. “Pass me the bag… that’s empty. Now raise your hands above your head. Turn around once. Put your legs apart a little. Now lift your balls up. Now turn around with your back to me and squat down. Now pull your cheeks apart. You’re done, pack up your wash bag and get into the shower. Malachi, you’re next, turn around.”
I turn as Noah refills his bag. He doesn’t look at me but runs into the shower.
“Okay," says Gareth, "empty your wash bag.”
I figure he’s was looking for drugs or some other type of contraband. I have nothing to hide so I don’t mind but standing naked in front of him makes my heart pound. I feel so out of control and exposed.
I give him my wash bag and then he throws it on the floor in front of me.
“Hands above your head.” He looks under my armpits. As if anyone would hide anything there. “Turn around with your arms up.” I do so. Then, when I’m facing him again he says, “Lift up your balls.” He squats down to get a good look. I feel his attention on my parts. “Turn around and squat down.” I follow his instructions. “Now pull your cheeks apart.”
I grab both cheeks and pull them apart so he can see my arsehole.
“Pack up and get in the shower.”
I get in as Jacob undergoes the same treatment but no amount of water is going to make me feel clean. We all face into the shower as we wash. All the way through I feel Gareth watching me. Why did it take so long for this to click – it’s not like I’m stupid. If he went through this himself then he’s gay too, so of course he’s going to be enjoying this. He can order us to do what ever he likes and get away with it. It feels as dangerous as it feels debased.
When I get out of the shower, Gareth passes me a towel and I see the erection tenting his joggers. As we’re drying off it’s clear that he’s looking at Noah.
After we dry, Gareth goes to a big blue cloth bag at the corner of the room and takes out some clothes and sandals. We’re given a pair of sandals each, thick orange track suit bottoms and our own orange Leviticus Ministries sweatshirt and are told to put them on. No socks and no boxers. I’m not sure why we weren’t given underwear or allowed to put our own on but I don’t ask. I don’t know what I can do, what I should do. It seems like there is a huge plan that none of us are being made aware of any time before these things happen. It's clear that Gareth is enjoying this and hasn’t been cured of his gayness at all. He might as well be drooling.
He then leads us back to our blocks where we find that all our things had been taken away from us. We drop off our wash bags and then we’re taken back to the main building where Lee is waiting for us, sitting on the floor. He tells us to join him in a circle.
“Today we’re going to be talking about sin, your sins. After these two weeks are out you’re going to be returning home pure again – new boys ready to serve God.” Lee’s words are so sure and certain as though he’s given this speech a hundred times before.
“Now one of the reasons you’re all having these feelings is because of the poor relationships you have with your fathers. It’s a common thing, person to person with boys who are having dirty and unnatural thoughts. So for the two weeks you’re with us, I’m going to be your father and your group leaders will be your brothers so you can feel what it is to have the brotherly and fatherly love of a man. You’re confused that you want sex, when what you need is that dominant male empowering love – a healthy spiritual and physical connection with someone you can look up to. We’re going to start this today as we have a father to son talk.
“So, Noah, you can go first. I want you to come over here, Sit between my legs and lean back on me.”
Noah scoots across and without hesitation leans back on Lee. Lee puts his arms around Noah’s stomach and Noah tenses up.
“Rest your head on me, that’s right. Now tell me about your relationship with your dad. Is it good?”
Noah wriggles, unable to find any comfort in this position and I don’t blame him. “He drinks a lot. He only ever shouts at me and the rest of my family. We’ve never talked about anything.”
Lee nods his head. “Yes. That’s normal for boys who are feeling the way you do. Does he ever hug you?”
Noah slumps. “No. He’s always been... I don’t know.”
Lee pats him on the shoulder. “So now I want you to think about all the times you’ve sinned and displeased God. You can think of this as a kind of confession. Tell me the sinful things you do that you know displease God.”
For a moment Noah says nothing.
“It’s all right,” says Lee, “whatever you say will be fine, and none of it will leave the room. We’re all agreed on that right, boys?”
Everyone says yes, including Gareth.
“I disobey my parents.” Noah looks to the floor as he speaks. “Sometimes I swear.”
“What about your problems with boys?” asks Lee.
“I look at certain boys and men and have sinful thoughts.”
“What kind of thoughts.” Lee’s voice is soft and reassuring.
“’I think of them naked, touching me.” Noah’s face is bright red.
“Do you touch yourself?”
“Yes.” Noah begins to cry.
“How often do you jerk off?” Lee’s hand moves to the back of Noah’s head and he gently strokes Noah’s hair.
“Three, up to five times a day.”
Five times a day? I can’t work out when Noah has time to do anything else.
“And you think of men when you do it?”
“Yes.”
“Do you ever think about girls, or women?”
“No. I’ve tried but they don’t do anything for me.”
“Do you want to stop thinking like this. Do you want to be normal? Do you w
ant to be a normal person?”
“Yes,” says Noah, “I’ve prayed to God to make me normal but he’s not listening.”
“No,” says Lee, “You’re not listening to him because you can’t listen to him if all you do is think about men and jerk off. There’s two reasons you feel like this. We’re not going to deal with the main one today but part of the reason is because someone has taught you this behaviour. Now I want you to tell me who and confess to Jesus what you did. Every part of it. Then Jesus will forgive you and you can start anew.” Lee moves his hand from Noah’s head to his thigh and strokes it up and down.
I can see from here than Noah has a hard on. He looks disgusted at himself but he tells Lee what he wants to hear. “I was twelve. I was round at a friend’s house and his parents were away. We went to his bedroom and a showed me a magazine that had naked men in it.
“I got hard and I saw him look. Then he leaned back on the bed so I could see he was hard too. He grabbed his bulge and asked if I wanted to touch it. I reached over and felt him through his shorts. After a few minutes of this he pulled them down. Then he told me what to do and I wanked him off.
“Then he pulled mine down and put his mouth on my penis. Then he wanked me off.”
“Did you do it more than once?” Lee sounds almost breathless.
“No,” said Noah, “he wouldn’t speak to me after that.”
“That’s because he had Satan in him. He wanted you to learn how to do that so you could go out and do it to others. Did you do it to others?”
“I … yes.”
“Well you’ve done well to tell me and God. Now go and sit back down.”
Noah crawls over to where he was sitting before, not letting anyone see what’s apparent to all of us. He looks down and doesn’t stop crying.
“Now Jacob let me ask you. Come over and lean back on me”
Jacob gets the same treatment. Lee goes through the same questions and gets the same kind of answers. The only difference is that Jacob’s dad left when he was three years old and his mum never remarried. His experiences were all with his older boyfriend. It seems obvious to me that Jacob was bullshitting when he said he didn’t want to be gay any more but Lee buys it.
Then Lee gets to me. “Come over and sit between my legs.”
“I can’t,” I say, “I don’t like people touching me.”
“This is part of the therapy.” He beckons me over with his hand.
“Do it,” says Gareth, “or I’ll drag you over there.”
I go over and sit between his legs and at once can feel his erection pressing into my back. He places his arms around me and it feels so uncomfortable, like worms and spiders are crawling all over my body and making nests under my hair. I squirm and pull away but he pulls me back
When he talks it smells of stale tobacco. “Sit back and relax.”
I do my best. I’m starting to feel sick.
“So tell me about your relationship with your dad?” He keeps his arms tight around my stomach.
“He doesn’t hug me or anything but we talk.” My body is tight.
“Does he show you any kind of physical affection?” Every time he speaks I get another waft of this dirty smell.
“No. Not that I remember.”
“Do you have thoughts about boys.”
“Yes,” I say.
“How often do you jerk off?”
“I don’t.” I look around at everyone’s faces – none of them believe me.
“You’ve never jerked off and you’re telling me the truth?” He loosens his grip and puts a hand on my shoulder.
“Not that I know of. It’s a bit embarrassing.”
“What do you mean?”
“I can’t... It doesn’t... I can’t get…”
“Oh,” says Lee, “I get it. You’ve never been able to get a hard on. Is that right?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why don’t you know?”
“I lost my memory four years ago. Everything. I had meningitis.” Right now I figure I should tell the truth. “I have an erection in the morning most days but it goes as soon as I wake up. So I know it’s nothing physiological.”
“But your dad said on your admission form that he found you looking at gay pornography and playing with yourself.”
Is a holiday brochure pornography now? I know it’s bad idea to argue. “That’s true. I do it to see if I can get it to work but it doesn’t.”
“So who taught you?”
“Nobody.”
“You never did anything with an older boy?”
“No. How could I? Unless it happened before I got sick.”
“Well,” says Lee, “It seems to me the answer is obvious. God is protecting you from your thoughts. He wiped your memory clean to give you a fresh start.”
What an idiot this guy is. Now his hand is rubbing up and down my thigh, almost clutching. It makes me feel sick. At times he gets close to my crotch – I want this to be over.
“But I’m glad you haven’t acted on your feelings. I’m proud of you for telling me the truth. Now stand up and wait there.”
I get up off him. Then he gets up and fetches a chair from the side of the room and sits down on it.
“Now all of you have confessed to the things that you have done and I am so proud of you for telling me and telling God but you all should rightly feel ashamed you ever did those things, to yourself or to other people. You must admit to your shame now and be punished so that god and I can forgive you.”
He looks at me. “Do you feel ashamed of the dirty things you have done?”
I don’t. Of course I don’t but what can I say? I hang my head. “Yes, I’m ashamed.”
Lee pulls my track suit bottoms down and I’m exposed to everyone. “Now get over my lap.”
I do what I’m told. I do what I can’t do for my dad because I think I’m in serious danger if I don’t. Now I do feel ashamed, though it’s not like I haven’t had a spanking before. This man I hardly know has me half naked lying over him. This man whose erection I felt pressing into my back and is now digging into my stomach.
Lee brings his hand down with a hard slap on my left buttock, then my right. It stings more than anything. Then another hit on each, harder this time and pain sets in. Then he hits harder still, one on each of the back of my legs and I start to cry. Then they calm down and are only aimed at my arse – slap after slap, about twenty in all – the pain building to a crescendo. He stops and helps me to my feet. I pull up my joggers and my arse aches.
Lee opens his arms and I don’t want to but I hug him.
“What do you say when your dad does something for your benefit?”
“Thank you.” I feel like I’ve been branded.
“You can go and stand in your place. You’re forgiven now.”
Next it’s Jacobs turn. I can’t look as he’s humiliated and pushed over Lee’s knee. I can’t look as he’s beaten. Slap after slap, which goes on for at least a minute. Each one getting harder. They have to echo around the room before Jacob starts crying and Lee still carries on for at least another minute after. Jacob too has to hug Lee and say thank you.
When it’s Noah’s turn he darts for the door but Gareth is too fast for him and drags him back.
“Do you want me to make it worse for you?” asks Lee.
Noah is already in tears. He shakes his head. Gareth lets go of him but stands by Lee at the ready.
“Are you not ashamed of what you’ve done?” asks Lee.
“I am,” Noah cries. He's shaking.
“Yes you are and so you should be. What you’ve done is disgusting. It offends god and it offends me. You’re the worst boy here. If it wasn’t for us being here to help you you’d be going to hell. Do you want to go to hell?”
“No, sir.”
"Do you want to burn in eternal fire?"
“No, sir.”
"I don't believe you! Gareth, hold out his hand."
Gareth takes hold of Noah's
left wrist and holds his hand out.
Lee pulls out a Zippo and lights it. He holds it a few inches below Noah's palm.
Noah struggles but Gareth has him held tight. He starts to scream.
Lee shouts. "That's not even a millionth of how bad the pain will be in hell." He brings the lighter closer to Noah's hand.
I can feel myself shaking. I don't know what to do. I look at Jacob and he looks ready to kill. The noise Noah is making is terrifying like an animal fighting for its life.
Lee pulls the lighter away. “Do you deserved to be punished?”
Noah rips his hand out of Gareth's grip and holds it to himself, still howling. In between breaths he manages to mumble. “Yes, Sir.”
I look away as Lee pulls Noah’s trousers down. It’s as long a spanking as he gave Jacob and I suspect much harder. I give in a couple of times and look up to see Lee’s smile – his look of utter elation. In the end Noah is screaming and every blow I hear makes me want to throw up.
Chapter Nine
Almost everyone I’ve ever met who had an opinion on atheism seemed to think that atheists claim that god doesn’t exist, when that isn’t the case at all; most atheists seem to be aware that you can’t analytically prove a universal existential negative.
When what atheism is, in actual fact, is the lack of belief in any god or gods. Or, the answer no, to the question: do you believe in god? Atheism, like theism, is not a religion. They're both positions on god belief.
It’s such a small and trivial thing that tells you nothing else about the person other than their position on belief in gods but, here is the key point, it is the way we come to this position that is the important element of atheism.
Atheism is a null hypothesis. The belief in god is the alternative hypothesis. We, as humans, are the jury and we must decide the verdict for ourselves.
The believer makes the assertion that their god exists and so if they are to be believed they must present the evidence for their god – the burden of proof is theirs. For us to accept their alternative hypothesis over the null hypothesis they will need to present evidence of their god to an acceptable standard. We need to see the solid gold carp.
This is all atheism is – the position that no religion has presented an argument that would require us to drop the null hypothesis (no god) in favour of an alternative hypothesis (their god). We hold to the null hypothesis and assume non-existence over the existence of a god because it would only take one strong piece of evidence to make us change our minds. So long as we remain open to new evidence, ours is the most rational position.
The Crucifixion and Resurrection of Malachi the Queer Page 9
