After we’ve eaten they take us through to a day room area which is down the corridor by Noah’s bed, next to the toilets and showers. We sit in a large square of chairs all facing one another.
I go to sit back on one of the chairs and Catherine stops me. “Don’t lean back. Not for a few days. I don’t want you tearing your wounds open.”
There is a man waiting there for us in a business suit. He’s so tall his head would almost touch the top of the door frame and he has a long black ponytail. Sam introduces him. He’s Thom, our lawyer.
Between Sam and Thom they fill us in on what’s been happening.
The police found the camp deserted by the leaders and guards. There was only a female representative of Leviticus Ministries there waiting for the police to arrive. They tracked Gareth by the wound he’d received but he’d been checked out against medical advice from a local hospital. They were checking flight details and passport records but as far as they could tell, all of them could already have left the country.
“I’m in touch with colleagues of mine in the States,” says Thom. “They’re looking into Leviticus Ministries for me but I have to say I’m not hopeful we’ll be able to do anything quickly or maybe at all but rest assured, I’m going to pursue it.
“Jacob, Warren tells me you’ll be moving in with him and I think that’s what you should do if you choose it. There’s a chance your parents may try to take it to court to get you back but trust me, they don’t stand a chance.”
“Thanks,” says Jacob, “but what about Noah and Malachi? I’m more worried about them.”
“I won’t lie to you,” says Thom, “it’s bad news I’m afraid. There’s nothing that would allow a court to take you away from your parents custody. It’s not like they’ve done anything to you. We can try and get a social worker involved but I’m not convinced it will help.”
“But they sent us to that place!” says Jacob.
The colour goes out of Noah’s face. Catherine pulls him to her and holds him. Sam smashes the arm of the chair with his fist and looks down at the ground. He is red faced.
“You have to see it from the point of view of a case. Yes, your parents sent you there but they’re all going to claim, whether they knew it or not, that they didn’t know this was going to happen. To be honest at this moment I have no idea what they did or didn’t know.”
“Were the other kids there hurt? I mean, after we left?” I need to know, it was my last worry about the camp when I left – would us leaving have repercussions for the others?
“No,” says Catherine, “they’re all in hospital at the moment the same as you. I spoke to the head of the unit that’s looking after them to tell them what to be on the lookout for and they have the same kinds of injuries.”
“The police have contacted all the parents,” says Thom. “They’re holding a meeting in Exeter as we speak to tell them the exact details of what has happened. I expect your parents will be there.”
“Your mum is there,” Warren tells Jacob. “I spoke to her this morning. I told her she should go and hear why it is you’re moving away from her.” He looks pissed off. Jacob touches his face.
“I can keep you here for at least few days, maybe a week,” says Catherine, “and I will do that no matter what.” She strokes Noah’s hair who is dead on her lap.
“My parents are away for another two weeks,” I say. “They’re in Sri Lanka.”
“I’m sure when they hear they’ll come back.” says Thom.
“No they won’t.”
“I said something stupid, didn’t I?” Thom reaches over and taps me on the shoulder.
I pull away. “It doesn’t matter.”
As soon as we’re done with our meeting we’re sent back to our beds. A new nurse comes in to check my wounds, though before she changes my dressings, Catherine bathes me. It doesn’t feel wrong at all and doesn’t upset me. It makes me feel closer to her. She takes it slow and is so gentle. If I could remember my past would I remember my mum bathing me?
Then they go to check Jacob and Noah but spend a lot less time with them. As they finish with Noah, another doctor comes and talks to me. She’s wearing a smart suit which looks brand new and she seems quite old, at least in her fifties. Her long black hair is flecked with grey.
She picks up the chart at the foot of my bed. “You’re Malachi Russell. I’m Dr Ziegler, the head of psychiatry here.”
“Hi.” A psychiatrist – something about that makes me nervous.
She puts the chart back and sits next to me. “You can call me Tanya. How are you feeling?”
“It hurts still. They’re giving me pain killers though which helps.”
“That’s good. And how are you feeling in yourself?”
I know what she wants to hear. If I’m happy or sad. “I don’t know. I guess I’m relieved its all over.”
Tanya nods as if she had been expecting that answer. “Any negative thoughts or things you’re worried about?”
“I’m worried about going home to my parents. I’m worried about Noah having to go home as well and that I might have HIV.”
“I’m sure. I know you’re beginning to deal with all this so I’m going to come and see you again soon. If you want to talk about anything, or you have any more worries, ask me.”
All of that seemed pointless.
After lunch, two policewomen come in, one of them carrying a large holdall. Catherine shows them through to the day room and when Noah and Jacob have been seen by the nurse. Warren leaves and we’re all taken through.
They have set up two video cameras and the setting seems quite formal. Jacob sits in the middle of me and Noah. Sam sits next to me and Catherine next to Noah and we all hold hands.
Over the next hour we tell our story and everything that happened. One of the policewomen asks us questions and the other one writes everything down.
I hold nothing back but as I start to describe the attack of the four leaders I start to get breathless and my body shakes and goes out of control. Catherine intervenes and tells the policewomen to get out. She strokes my hair and I begin to calm down but I don’t know what is happening to me. Am I going insane? I’m here and safe again and there’s no reason to worry or get upset now. I know that. Something in my mind is trying to take over my body.
A wave of queasiness hits me. “I think I’m going to be sick.”
Sam grabs a carrier bag that’s sitting on one of the tables and opens it in front of me.
Catherine goes to rub my back but I pull away and stand up. She stays seated. “Take big deep breaths. It will pass.”
I do as she says and start to calm down.
“You’re doing well,” says Sam, “all of you. Should we take a little break?”
It’s agreed we should.
We come back twenty minutes later and carry on. I tell them as much as I can. I tell them about being raped. I tell them about seeing Gareth above me but I don’t remember anything more than that. In truth, I wouldn’t want to remember it.
After it’s done, the policewomen stay behind to write up statements which we'll have to sign.
Warren comes back in with a box of chocolates for each of us, including Sam and Catherine and while we wait to sign, Catherine sits with Noah and keeps him talking. Jacob and Warren talk quietly.
Sam sits with me and plays chess. He is good, better then me. We play five games: he wins the first two, I win the third when he misses my sacrifice as a mistake and we draw the last two. I relish the games. They take me right away from this place and I feel parts of my mind being exercised which have been lying dormant all the time I was away.
The signing only takes a few minutes then the policewomen leave. Sam and Catherine go out when we we’re served dinner of roast beef and when they come back in they look grave.
“Your sister is here.” Sam does not look happy. “Do you want to talk to her?”
I don’t know if I do or don’t. What would I say? If she was at the meeting she
would know everything that had happened so there would be nothing to tell her.
“Did she say something to you?” He looks so upset and I know that annoying people is Isla’s speciality."Did she say something to you?"ou?"
grey. such a relief.m just sweating from the pain. 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000
Then there is shouting outside and I shudder as if one of the camp leaders is going to come in and get me. A man in a dirty leather jacket pushes into the room. He is short and squat but looks rough and dangerous.
He pushes Sam. “Who are you to stop me seeing my son?” It's the same accent as Noah's but gruff and not as well spoken.
Sam stumbles backwards but stays on his feet. He puffs out his chest and moves towards the man but Catherine gets in his way.
“Sam,” she says, “no!”
“Get out of my way.” The angry man then seems to no longer recognise they are there. He walks through Catherine, banging right into her shoulder and stomps over to Noah.
From what Noah has said and from the attitude of this man I don’t expect he’s going to hug Noah and tell him everything will be alright but I at least expect he’ll give him some kind of sympathy or support.
That’s not what happens at all.
As soon as he entered the room I noticed Noah quivering, like he did on the first few days at the camp. He seems terrified of the man in front of him.
Noah's dad looks over to Catherine and says, “He doesn’t look that bad at all.
“What have you been doing? You know your mum is crying her eyes out in the car? We had to sit through and listen to everything you’ve done. Do you know the shame you’ve brought on the family? I can only pray that it doesn’t get back to the church. We sent you to that camp to straighten out and you seduce one of the teachers and then run away!”
Noah's head is slumped. He doesn't once look at his dad.
“Look at me when I’m talking to you! What have you got to say for yourself? We paid two thousand pounds for that camp – money we can barely afford!” He turns to Catherine. “Are you his doctor?”
“One of them.” She’s angry but staying professional.
“Is he ready to go home or not?”
“Not.”
“So you’re telling me I’ve got to come all the way from Crewe again to get him? When will he be ready?”
“When I say he is.”
He turns back to Noah. “You think about what you’ve done.”
Jacob shouts at him. “That’s your son. He’s been brutalised at a camp you sent him to. You should be fucking ashamed of yourself.”
I can’t keep my anger in. “Why don’t you just fuck off you big stupid cunt?”
He turns to me, redder, angrier and I think he’s going to come over and punch me.
Before he can make a move, Warren gets up from his seat and runs in front of him. It’s only now I realise how fit and toned he looks. He’s got a good half foot on Noah’s dad. “Easy, sweetheart, eh?”
Noah’s dad sizes him up, estimating his chances. He turns and walks out, as he passes Catherine he shouts without looking at her, “Send him home when his arse stops bleeding.”
There are no tears from Noah or anything like that. He curls up on his bed and Catherine runs over to him.
“Yes,” I say, “I’ll see my sister. Will you stay with me?” I don’t want to see her. I’m sure Noah didn’t want to see his dad but solidarity is all I can think of. I know how stupid that sounds and this may not be the camp but it's an extension of it.
“Of course,” says Sam. “I’ll go and get her.”
I beckon Warren over and give him a kiss on the cheek.
He pulls me to him and hugs me lightly. “No one is ever going to hurt you three again. They’ll have to deal with me first.”
Sam comes back in with Isla. She is wearing jeans and the sort of flower blue blouse she reserves for missionary work. As soon as Warren sees her he goes back and sits beside Jacob.
“What happened to your face?” She might have been asking my what my favourite colour was.
“A belt.” I too am unemphatic.
“I just got back from that meeting, you know. I had to go in place of Mum and Dad. They’re not going to be happy when they find out what you’ve done.” She takes her handbag off her shoulder and puts in on the spare chair.
“Did they tell you? Did they tell you what happened to us?” Now I’m getting angry. Sam waits by the door and is listening.
“They said a lot of things.” She reaches into the box and takes one of my chocolates. “They said you’d been doing all sort of things, were out of control. Something about chopping someone’s hand off with an axe and seducing the ministers. You know you’re lucky Leviticus Ministries is not going to press charges.”
“They were there?” asks Sam, “They were at the meeting?”
The room is dead silent apart from Isla. Everyone is listening to what she has to say.
“Yes, a very nice woman called Mrs Clarke. She said some of the group workers may have been seduced by the boys. All the parents told the police they didn’t want to pursue anything. They didn’t want any fuss to be made. I agreed.”
I feel my heart rising into my throat. “You can’t even ask me if I’m all right?”
“What about me? I know you’ve always been a little bit weird, Malachi but I thought better of you than this. My little brother the pervert? I was in Brighton with my mates and I had to leave almost a week early to hear about what you’d been up to.”
I feel like I’m being pushed down into the ground. I see Gareth in front of me. I stand up and rip off my hospital gown and stand naked in front of him so he can see my wounds. “This is what you did to me. This is what you did to me! You beat me and burned me with electricity.”
I punch Gareth in the face as hard as I can. I punch him again and he falls to the floor. I try to kick him but Sam has hold of me and he wrestles me onto the bed and holds me down. There is screaming, most of it mine. Noah and Jacob are shouting. People come in. Everything is a haze. Then Sam is looking into my eyes telling me to calm down. I know I’m fighting him but I can’t help it. He lets go of me. I can hardly breathe.
“Big deep breaths,” says Catherine. She takes hold of my hand. Sam takes the other. I see Gareth above me, pulling down my bottoms and his head between my legs. There is a sharp pain in my thigh. Then there is something else. Gareth is sitting over me and forcing himself into my mouth. I curl up into a ball and try and think of nothing. After a couple of minutes my mind becomes slow and cold.
Chapter Seventeen
There is darkness and I am floating in a pool of cool water. It feels placid and numb. In the distance Sam and Catherine are talking.
“Yes, I told you already. This is something we have to do.” Catherine’s voice is soft and sure.
“I’m just checking,” says Sam. “I’ve always said that philosophy without a practical application is an empty, useless philosophy. I don’t want you to think…”
“He’s smart. I can see that. And Noah. There’s something so warm inside him. Mostly buried at the moment.” Her voice is tinged with sadness.
“It’s not just that we’re involved.”
“I know. You don’t have to keep justifying yourself, Sam. We’re right. You’re right. This is right.”
“They need us. Both of them.”
“Jacob too.” I can’t tell if Catherine is asking a question or making a statement.
“Yes, whatever he needs. Those boys have been through hell.”
I drift off into the deep blue of blackness.
“Malachi. Malachi.”
I open my eyes. Everything is hazy. I’m in a room by myself now. The nurse puts down a plate of pasta and a cup of orange juice in front of me. I’ve been cleaned up and am in a new gown. I’m hungry and thirsty. I gobble down the food and neck the drink. Then I have to take more pills.
I sleep and wake and sleep and wake and eat. They’ve g
iven me something. I’m not sure what but it makes staying awake for more than an hour an impossibility. I sleep.
I wake up in the ward again and Noah is sitting beside me. “I was worried about you.” He leans in, closer to my face.
It’s night time and the lights are dimmed. Jacob is purring in his sleep and there is no nurse at the station.
“What happened?” I’m still on the strange pillow but it’s not comfortable. I try to adjust myself. I’m still sore and not having moved seems to have made the pain of doing so sharper.
“They took you away for observation two days ago. They wouldn’t tell us much more.” He sighs.
“I’ve been asleep. I don’t know what they were observing. How's my sister?”
Noah’s eyebrows raise.
“You can tell me.” I take his hand in my lap.
“She’ll have a black eye by now.” He laughs.
“I feel terrible. I really do.”
“I heard everything she said.” He gets out of his chair and sits up on the end of my bed. “It’s like she didn’t care. I don’t like that. I don’t like people treating you badly or hurting you. I’ll never like that.”
I think about how I felt when his dad was haranguing him and I don’t blame him.
“I love you.” He puts his hand on my shin and movies it up a little. “I’ve been wanting to tell you for days.”
I feel myself get hard and I wish we were anywhere but here. This is so confusing. I love him and want him so much. I wish he would reach up and grab it. It would feel right if he did it, I’m sure of it. Then I’m worried, what if it doesn’t? Will I get over this? I don’t want to think about sex but my body wants it, wants Noah.
But there is no sex or anything like that. Noah doesn’t even make a move. I know he won’t and I’m sure he knows I won’t. It’s not that thinking about it seems wrong. It’s that it seems wrong at the moment.
It’s so wonderful having him close to me. “I’ll always love you. I wish we could...”
“I know.” He leans over and kisses my leg.
The Crucifixion and Resurrection of Malachi the Queer Page 17
