by Cathy Zane
She held Lizzy tight to her body as she pushed the car door closed with her back and ran up under the awning. She reached the door of the cleaners just as a young man was turning the OPEN sign to CLOSED. She put Lizzy down and motioned to him to open the door. He pointed to the sign and turned away. Sarah shook her head and pounded on the door. “Please, open the door!” She had to get that dress. She couldn’t take no for an answer.
The store clerk turned around, noticeably frustrated, and opened the door slightly. “Lady, we’re closed.”
“I just have to get one dress,” she said, holding up her receipt. “I need it for tonight.”
He shook his head. “I can’t. I’ve already closed out the register.”
“I can pay cash and you can reconcile it tomorrow.”
He shook his head again. “Sorry.”
He’s not going to give it to you. Robert will not be happy. And it’s your fault. You never should have gone out with Maggie. How are you going to explain that to him? You know how he feels about your friendship with Maggie. He’ll be furious. You are such a fuckup!
She burst into tears and frantically pushed on the door. “You don’t understand. I have to have it. Please!”
Lizzy looked up at Sarah and grabbed for her hand. “Mommy, what’s wrong?”
Sarah pulled away from Lizzy, holding up the receipt as she pleaded with the employee. “Please! I really have to have this dress.”
He looked down at Lizzy and then back to Sarah. “What a day for the boss to leave early,” he said, shaking his head. He opened the door. “Okay. But we need to make it quick.”
Sarah rushed in. “Thank you. Thank you so much. This really means a lot to me. You’re a lifesaver!” Stop gushing. You sound like an idiot. What is wrong with you?
The clerk turned away. “Yeah, whatever.” He disappeared into the back to retrieve her dress.
He thinks you’re a total nutcase. He’s probably right. Something is seriously wrong with you. Sarah felt shaky. She took a deep breath and tried unsuccessfully to choke back her tears. She felt like a dam had burst open; she couldn’t stop crying.
Lizzy reached for Sarah’s hand. “It’s okay, Mommy. He’s getting your dress. Everything’s okay, right Mommy?”
Sarah looked down at her daughter and nodded, smiling weakly but unable to speak. She took a deep breath and told herself that everything was okay. It was going to work out. She just needed to let this be a lesson and not ever do it again. She took another deep breath and started to feel more composed. She wiped her face just as the clerk returned with her dress.
“It’ll be $9.50,” he said as he hung the dress on the rack next to the cash register. Sarah opened her wallet and gave him a $10.00 bill.
“I don’t have change,” he said, taking the bill. “Remember, I told you I already closed out the register.”
She waved her hand, avoiding eye contact. “Don’t worry about it.” She grabbed the dress from the rack and pushed Lizzy toward the door. “Thanks again for your help. I really appreciate it.” She rushed out of the store without looking back.
The rain had slowed to a drizzle by the time they reached home. Sarah turned into the driveway and pushed the remote for the garage door, ticking through a mental list of all the things she needed to do before Robert got home. She pulled forward into the garage and turned off the car.
Lizzy jumped out of the car, Barbies in hand, and pushed open the door to the kitchen. “Daddy, Daddy, we’re home!”
Sarah grabbed her purse, dry cleaning, book bag, and grocery bag and leaned her back into the car door to close it, struggling to not drop everything. “I don’t think Daddy’s home yet sweetie, but he will be soon.” She still felt a little shaky after her breakdown at the cleaners, and she was determined to be more composed. You need to get back in control. Stop being such a baby. You can’t let Robert see you like this. He hates it when you’re needy. You need to be strong. And you need to get Lizzy settled. You know he’ll be upset if she’s cranky when he gets home.
She maneuvered through the door into the kitchen and lifted her bags onto the counter. “Let me put all this away and then we’ll get you into the bathtub.”
Lizzy frowned. “I don’t want to take a bath yet. I want Daddy to see my new dress.”
Sarah took a deep breath and blew it back out forcefully. She couldn’t deal with Lizzy’s obstinacy today. Why couldn’t she just behave? She quickly glanced into the dining room. Good, nothing to clean up in there. She glanced at the clock and felt a sense of dread. She’d never be ready in time. Why had she agreed to go out with Maggie? Stupid, Sarah. Really stupid. You’ll never learn, will you?
She turned her attention back to Lizzy. “He can see it later. You need to take your bath before Amy gets here. And you know better than to drop your Barbies on the floor. Now pick them up and let’s get going.”
Lizzy clenched her fists and stomped her feet on the hardwood floor. “No! I don’t wanna wait ‘til later. I want Daddy to see my dress now!” She turned and ran out of the room, heading for the den.
Sarah took a deep breath, trying to calm the urge to scream. She knew from past experience that yelling would only make Lizzy dig her heels in more. She forced herself to take a couple more breaths before picking up the dolls and following her into the den.
Lizzy had crawled up onto the sofa and was sitting with her arms crossed defiantly, an extremely exaggerated pout on her face. If Sarah hadn’t been so angry, it probably would have made her laugh.
“Lizzy, I have a lot to do before Daddy gets home and I need you to be good.” She handed the dolls to her daughter. “So, take these to your room and get ready for your bath.”
Lizzy took the dolls but glared at Sarah. “No!”
Sarah felt the anger building in her body. Why couldn’t she just cooperate? She silently repeated the mantra she’d learned at a parenting class. Focus. Stay calm. Don’t yell. Be firm.
“Lizzy, I need you to do as I say. Now go to your room right now and get undressed.”
“No! I’m staying right here until Daddy comes home.”
Something snapped inside Sarah. “The hell you are. You’re going to your room right now and getting undressed or I’ll do it for you!” Get a grip. What is with the swearing and yelling? You are such a terrible mother.
Lizzy started to cry. “No!” she screamed, her volume increasing. “You can’t make me! Daddy would want to see my dress.” She threw the Barbies at Sarah as she jumped up off the couch and ran out of the room.
“Fine! Be that way!” Sarah loudly stomped back to the kitchen. What is wrong with you? You’re as bad as she is. Sarah tried to breathe some more, remembering the parenting experts’ advice. Take a time out. Calm yourself before going back to Lizzy. Give her some space to calm down.
“Fuck the experts,” Sarah said aloud. “They don’t know Lizzy. They talk about the ‘terrible twos,’ but what about the terrible threes, fours, and fives? She throws a fit any time she doesn’t get her way. I’m so tired of it.” She stopped for a moment, leaning with both hands on the counter. She was on the verge of tears again.
She straightened up and put the food for Lizzy and the sitter in the refrigerator before carrying the rest of her things to her room. She put her book bag neatly beside her desk and hung her dress up in the large walk-in closet before steeling herself to go to Lizzy’s room. She could do this. Lizzy was a child and she was the adult. She needed to start acting like one. Just keep breathing and stay calm.
Lizzy was face-down on her bed, crying, when Sarah opened her door. Sarah sat down on the bed and tried to gently put her hand on her back, but she jerked away.
“I hate you,” she said, her voice muffled by the blanket underneath it. “You just don’t want Daddy to see my new dress.”
“That’s not true,” Sarah said, struggling to manage the irritation in her voice. “There just isn’t enough time. Amy will be here soon and Daddy and I need to leave for dinner.”
/> Lizzy curled up on her side and scooted even farther away from Sarah. The time-out clearly hadn’t done the trick. Robert would be home soon and she needed Lizzy to be calm. And she still had to get dressed. She knew the tough approach never worked. It was time to play nice. She hated giving in to Lizzy—she knew it only made things worse in the long run and it made her feel like a terrible mother—but she was at the end of her rope. She couldn’t do it anymore. She needed a break. And she needed to get Lizzy out of her dress and ready for the sitter.
“Hey, I have a great idea,” she said, hoping Lizzy would buy it. “You can put your dress back on tomorrow morning and surprise Daddy. You know how stressed he can be when he gets home from work. In the morning he’s always happier, right?”
Lizzy continued to lie silently on the bed. Sarah reached out slowly and gently touched Lizzy’s back. Lizzy didn’t pull away this time. Sarah took that as a good sign. She was making progress.
“But we should hang it up now so it doesn’t get wrinkled. And if you take your bath quickly, you can have a special treat. How about a Tootsie Pop and a video until Daddy gets home?”
Sarah pushed away the voice that started to criticize her for bribing Lizzy. She had to stay focused on not upsetting Robert. That was the most important thing right now. And that meant getting Lizzy in a good mood.
Lizzy sat up slowly, still pouting. “Okay.”
Sarah breathed a sigh of relief. Her body relaxed slightly and she put her arm around Lizzy.
“Good girl. Now you get undressed and I’ll go start the bath.”
With Lizzy bathed and settled in to watch a video, Sarah began straightening the den and cleaning up the kitchen. Tidiness wasn’t her strong suit. She was comfortable with clutter. It made a house feel lived in to her. But not so with Robert. He liked everything in its place, and Sarah had learned that nothing triggered Robert more quickly than having the house out of order. Although he never offered to help. He’d wanted to hire a live-in maid and nanny when Lizzy was born, but Sarah had been uncomfortable with the idea, so he had reluctantly compromised on a weekly cleaning service. But he had been clear that any additional cleaning needs—and childcare needs, for that matter—were her responsibility.
She heard the front door open and quickly tossed the plastic take-out bag in the trash just as Robert walked in. Her body immediately tensed. She’d perfected the skill of sensing his moods within a few seconds, and she could tell that today was not a good day.
He dumped his briefcase and keys on the counter and began to take off his overcoat. “I need a drink.” He tossed his coat over the back of a chair.
Sarah caught her breath. She knew she needed to tread lightly. Be good. Be supportive. Not say anything to upset him more.
“Rough day?” she asked, trying to calm the quiver in her voice as he walked around the center island and opened a cupboard.
“Something like that,” he said as he grabbed a glass. He continued to fix his drink, getting ice from the refrigerator and vodka from the liquor cabinet, without looking at Sarah.
“Want to talk about it?”
“Nope.” Robert poured the vodka over the ice.
Sarah searched for something to say. Being supportive wasn’t working. Maybe a distraction would help. “Lizzy’s been asking for you. She wanted to see you when you got home.”
“I need some downtime and a shower.” He picked up his drink and kissed Sarah quickly on the forehead as he passed. “Be a dear and put a video on for her. I’ll see her in the morning.” He strode out of the room, drink in hand.
Sarah slumped back against the counter and slid to the floor, cradling her head in her hands and fighting back the tears. She felt so alone. Again. She knew it was probably stupid to keep expecting something to change, but she was really tired of feeling like a single parent. She tried to do everything she could think of to make him happy, but it never seemed to work. He was so distracted and irritated all the time. Where was the fun, charismatic man she had married? She wanted to try to talk to him, but that always seemed to backfire. It always turned into her fault somehow. How was it possible to be married and feel so lonely?
The doorbell startled her and she jumped up from the floor and headed for the door. Amy was early. Maybe that was a good thing. Lizzy wouldn’t be so focused on seeing Robert before they left. She opened the door, welcomed Amy, and distractedly went through the motions of showing her the food in the refrigerator and letting her know where they were going and how late they would be. As she started up the stairs she heard Lizzy’s squeal of excitement. She was glad Lizzy liked Amy. That hadn’t always been the case with Lizzy and babysitters. The fact that she really clicked with Amy made everything so much easier.
Robert was still in the shower when Sarah walked into their large master suite. She quickly went into the walk-in closet. She wanted to put her dress on to surprise Robert when he came out of the shower; maybe it would help shift his mood. She took the plastic off the dress and slipped it over her head, tugging slightly to get it over her body. It was tighter than she remembered. Could it have shrunk? Had she gained weight? You haven’t been good about weighing yourself every day. You should be more careful. She tugged the zipper up and heard the fabric rip just as the shower stopped running.
“Shit!” she said under her breath as she quickly pulled the dress off and stuffed it and the plastic cover into a drawer. You idiot! How could you be so careless? Robert’s already stressed out. You don’t need this tonight. She quickly grabbed another dress and pulled it over her head just as Robert came out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. He was using a second towel to dry his full head of hair. He was still toned and fit despite the beginning of some recent greying at his temples. Sarah tentatively came out of the closet and turned to have him zip up her dress.
Robert frowned. “I told you I wanted you to wear your black dress.”
“I know. I rushed to get to the cleaners after I picked Lizzy up, but the traffic was awful because of the rain.” A white lie. Really not that bad, she told herself, if it kept the peace.
“Too bad. I love that dress on you.” Robert moved into the closet to begin dressing. “I closed another deal today.” His voice was distant and distracted, as if he was talking to no one in particular. “I need to go back to LA on Sunday. I’ll be there for a few weeks to oversee the installation.”
“But you just got home.” Sarah heard the whine come out of her mouth before she could stop it. She plopped down onto the bed, pouting. “Sometimes I think we should just move to LA.”
Robert frowned as he came out of the closet. “Don’t be ridiculous. This is our home. Your job and your friends are here. My family is here. And right now, I’m here too.” He walked over to Sarah, reached out, and gently pulled her up from the bed to look into her eyes. “And you look beautiful and it’s your special day. So, let’s forget it for now and take you out for a wonderful dinner, okay?”
Sarah nodded and smiled meekly, her body relaxing.
“Good girl,” he said. He kissed her forehead and went back into the closet to finish dressing.
Sarah sat down to freshen her makeup and put up her hair, glad that Robert seemed to be in a better mood. She shouldn’t be mad when he was being so sweet. Maybe it would be a good night after all. As long as you can keep your stupid mouth shut.
Chapter 3
Sarah was quiet on the drive to the restaurant. She was aware of some lingering frustration and disappointment and knew she needed to keep herself in check. She didn’t want to do anything that might upset Robert. He was lost in his own thoughts, as he often was, and that was where she wanted him to stay. Silence was always better than the alternative. She’d been worried when he came home that it might be one of their bad nights, so she was grateful that his mood had improved. Maybe all the work she’d done tidying and making sure Lizzy was distracted when he got home had helped.
The vodka likely had something to do with it too.
/> But he was still going back to LA and she was upset about that. Being alone with Lizzy all the time was wearing her thin. She needed him home more. She wished there was some way to make him understand. But trying to find the right thing to say and the right time to say it was always tricky with him.
Robert pulled up in front of the restaurant and handed the keys to the valet before walking around the car to open Sarah’s door. Sarah stifled a snicker. He never opened her car door. Except when they came here. Such a performance!
Stop it, she quickly cautioned herself. Thoughts like that might make her say something she’d regret. She needed to be positive. He was being nice right now. She should enjoy it. She tugged at the hem of her mini-dress, attempting to adjust it inconspicuously as she stepped out of the car. Robert took her arm and led her into the restaurant.
Sarah knew the routine and the part she was expected to play. She smiled sweetly as they were greeted immediately by the maître d’.
“Good evening Mr. Jenkins. Mrs. Jenkins. You both look wonderful, as always.”
“Thank you, Joseph.” Robert smiled warmly and turned toward Sarah. “We are celebrating Mrs. Jenkins’s birthday today.”
The maître d’ nodded politely. “Happy birthday, Mrs. Jenkins.”
Sarah smiled demurely. “Thank you.” She felt self-conscious and uncomfortable whenever they came here. It represented Robert’s world of old money and prestige. A world she knew she didn’t belong in. And Robert’s mother, she reminded herself, would be the first to agree. She hadn’t approved of Sarah from the start, and she still related to her more as hired help than family.
The maître d’ turned back to Robert. “I have your regular table reserved as you requested, Mr. Jenkins.” He motioned for them to follow and seated them at a private booth. Robert discreetly slipped him a tip as they sat down. The maître d’ nodded and handed them their menus and the wine list as a waiter approached.
As the waiter placed their napkins in their laps and poured water in their glasses, Robert handed the wine list back to the maître d’. “We’ll just have our usual cabernet.”
