by Cathy Zane
Maggie felt elated—both to see Ryan and to have someone to talk to. “That actually sounds like just what the doctor ordered. I just had a big fight with Sarah and I could use a friendly ear.”
“At your service! See you there in a couple minutes?”
“Perfect.” Maggie grabbed her purse. “I’m walking out the door as we speak.”
“Sounds good. Last one there treats?”
“You’re on!” She hung up her phone and broke into a run. She would easily get there first. He would need to drive and find a parking space, and she could be there in a minute or two at the most. She smiled as she thought about how much she was enjoying dating Ryan. For a sometimes-serious lawyer, he could be fun and goofy and spontaneous. Definitely another mark in the plus column for this relationship.
She ran the block to the pub, pulled open the door, and headed for the bar—only to see that Ryan was already there and paying for two freshly poured beers.
“Hey!” she said, breathing heavily. “That wasn’t fair.”
“Oh, but look how quickly it got you here. I wanted to have every minute that I could with you. Besides, I did already pay for the beers.” Ryan winked at her.
Maggie chuckled. “Yeah, well maybe I’ll forgive you this time. Just don’t let it happen again.”
“Wouldn’t think of it,” Ryan said as he picked up the two beers and motioned her toward a booth near the back.
Maggie slid into the booth as Ryan put the beers down on the table. Once he was seated across from her, he held his glass up to Maggie. “To spontaneity.”
“Yes,” Maggie said, smiling broadly as she lifted her mug to his. “To spontaneity.”
“So,” he said, taking a sip of beer. “What was this big fight about?”
“Well, it’s a little complicated to explain.” She paused briefly, thinking about what to say. “I think I should give you a little background first. I haven’t really talked to you about Robert at all. There’s stuff you need to know to be able to understand the fight.”
“Fire away,” Ryan said, “I’m all ears.”
Maggie described Sarah’s relationship with Robert, detailing her initial impressions of their marriage as well as more recent events and Kate’s observations, which had given her a very different picture. Ryan listened attentively as he sipped his beer.
“I totally get why you would draw that comparison,” he said when Maggie was done recounting the fight. “It does seem rather obvious from the outside. But is sounds like Sarah wasn’t ready to hear it.”
Maggie sighed. “Clearly. My timing was really off, wasn’t it?”
Ryan smiled and shrugged one shoulder. “Maybe a little.”
Maggie put her face in her hands. “Oh, I’m so lame. Why I can’t learn to keep my mouth shut? I just blurt out the first thing that comes into my mind without really thinking about it first.”
Ryan reached out and took her hand. “That’s not always a bad thing,” he said, looking into her eyes. “It’s one of the things I really appreciate about you. You’re authentic and real. No PC BS with you!”
“That’s for sure. I think I was out to lunch when they handed out the political correctness handbook!”
“Lucky for me!” Ryan said. “I get so much of that at work. You’re a wonderful breath of fresh air!”
“Yeah, sure. In a total Bridget Jones–esque, verbal diarrhea sort of way.”
“Well, Bridget does have her charms. But I was thinking more Lauren Bacall in To Have and Have Not.”
Maggie thought back to the old Bogie-Bacall film they’d watched the previous weekend, one of the many in Ryan’s extensive collection. “Well,” she said, “two lines come to mind. One is my personal favorite, but I think you’re referring to another one.”
Ryan raised his eyebrows. “Do tell.”
“‘What are you trying to do, guess her weight?’” she said, giving her best sultry impression. “And, ‘If you want me, just whistle. You know how to whistle, don’t you, Steve?’”
“Both work,” Ryan said, smiling broadly. “Strong, confident, no-nonsense. And not afraid to tell it like it is.”
“Well, I guess it’s lucky for me that you see it that way! I’m not sure Sarah would say the same thing right now.”
“Give her time. You spoke a truth that may be hard for her to swallow. But from what I’ve heard, your friendship is strong. I know it can handle it.”
“I hope you’re right.” Maggie shook her head and took another sip of beer.
Sarah glanced at the clock. Two more hours before the final bell. Her skin was crawling. She felt more anxious than she had all week. And that was saying a lot, given the stressful events of the past seven days. She hadn’t talked to Maggie since their fight on Monday, she’d been dealing with daily intense meltdowns with Lizzy about Robert missing her birthday, and she still hadn’t been able to talk to Robert about what happened. They’d traded phone messages, but neither of them had mentioned the woman on the phone. She knew he was counting on her to ignore it. To not bring it up. That was their dance. Just pretend it didn’t happen. He would play his part by doing something nice to pull her back in and then life would just go on as it had before. But she couldn’t do that. Not this time.
She was struggling to focus and hold it together. She knew her students found it odd when she gave them a free period to work on homework, but it was the best she could do today. On a Friday afternoon, she knew she wouldn’t get any complaints. What kid doesn’t want to get their homework done before the weekend?
She busied herself straightening and organizing. Normally this kind of activity would distract her and steady her nerves, but today it wasn’t working very well. The minute hand on the clock dragged mercilessly and her anxiety was barely containable. She played out different scenarios in her mind. What kind of mood would Robert be in? What if he brought her something nice and acted as if it never happened? Would she be able to confront him? And what about Lizzy? She didn’t want her to hear them fighting. But maybe they wouldn’t have a fight. Maybe Kate was right. She shouldn’t make assumptions. She just needed to ask him calmly and he would explain. There was probably a perfectly reasonable explanation. She was worrying over nothing. She could get herself so worked up sometimes. Better to focus on everything being okay. She imagined telling Robert about the baby, showing him the ultrasound picture, telling him the story of Lizzy and Cody, and then the two of them telling Lizzy together.
She was smiling when the final bell rang, jolting her back to reality. She felt momentarily self-conscious—then realized her students were oblivious. They were singularly focused on getting out of school. And she’d already packed up everything she was taking home, so all she needed to do was close up the room and she would be on her way to get Lizzy.
Sarah was pulling in a big pane window to latch it when she heard a familiar voice behind her.
“Are you talking to me yet?” Maggie asked.
Sarah glanced around. “Yes, of course,” she said as she continued closing windows. She didn’t want to talk to Maggie, but she wasn’t about to tell her that. She would just keep it short and try to get out quickly.
“I wouldn’t have known. You’ve been avoiding me all week.”
“Oh, I’ve just been really busy,” Sarah said, avoiding eye contact. “Lizzy’s been a challenge and I’ve had things to do after work every day.”
“We could have had lunch.”
Sarah knew Maggie wouldn’t believe her excuses. But she didn’t care. She was still angry with her. “I’ve been working through lunch,” she said, pointing to a stack of student essays next to her desk. “I’ve had a lot of grading to do with these term papers.”
Maggie wasn’t buying Sarah’s explanation, but she knew pushing her more wouldn’t be a good idea. She decided to try another tack. “Well, I’ve been thinking about you,” she said. “I was wondering how you were doing after all the Robert stuff.”
Sarah shrugged. “I’m fine. I
made too big a deal out of it. I’m sure there’s probably a simple explanation.”
“Oh, come on,” Maggie blurted before she could stop herself. Sarah looked up at her and Maggie quickly tried to backpedal. “I mean. . . I guess that’s possible.”
“Of course, it is,” Sarah said. “In fact, I’m surer of it all the time.”
Maggie didn’t know what to say. She thought Sarah was full of shit, but telling her that wasn’t going to help. She decided to keep it simple. “Well good,” she said and left it at that. “So, he’s coming home today, right?”
“Yes,” Sarah said, glancing at the clock. “In just a few hours. So I better get going.” She turned her back to Maggie and gathered her things to leave. “Why don’t we have lunch on Monday?” she said. “We can get caught up then.”
“Sure,” Maggie said. “Do you need any help with anything?”
“Nope. I’m all set.” Sarah reached out to give Maggie a quick hug. “I’ll see you on Monday.”
Maggie returned the hug. “It’s a date.”
“Great.” Sarah pulled away and headed out the door.
Maggie followed, closing the door behind her. As she watched Sarah disappear around the corner, she realized that she felt worried, though she wasn’t sure why. Just a nagging feeling that something was really off.
Sarah rushed down the hall and out the front door toward the parking lot. Her heart was racing again and her stomach felt tight. Damn Maggie. Why couldn’t she ever leave well enough alone?
She got in her car and drove several blocks before pulling the car over to the side of the road. She leaned her head on the steering wheel and broke down crying. What was going on with her? She felt overwhelmed but wasn’t sure why. She’d been feeling good until Maggie came in. What had she said? Sarah couldn’t remember. Something about Robert. That she was sure there was a simple explanation. Sarah heard her own voice as if it were someone else’s: What a crock! You don’t believe that for a second. Yeah. Maybe it is a possibility. But that’s not what your gut is telling you.
Sarah took a deep breath, trying to calm herself. She needed to talk to Robert. To find out who that woman was. But she was scared to ask. What if it was something serious? Maybe she didn’t want to know. It might be better to just pretend it hadn’t happened. But she knew she could never do that. She did want to know. She coached herself to be strong. Don’t chicken out. You can’t be like your mother. You’re not your mother. You need to figure out how to ask him. But do it right. Don’t screw it up.
She thought of Lizzy. She couldn’t talk to Robert with her there. She needed to be gone. Things would go more smoothly if it was just the two of them. A plan formed in her mind, and as it did she felt calmer. She grabbed her cell phone and dialed Kate.
Kate answered on the first ring. “Hey Sarah.”
“Hi Kate. I was wondering if you could do me a huge favor.” Sarah struggled to steady her voice.
“Yeah. Sure. Are you okay?”
Sarah tried to take a deep breath. “Yeah. I’m just having an emotional day. I think the pregnancy hormones are surging. And Robert’s due home in a few hours. I feel nervous about talking to him. It might be better if Lizzy wasn’t there.”
“Say no more. I’ll pick her up when I get Emma and just keep her overnight. They’ll love it.”
“Thanks so much,” Sarah said, relieved. “I owe you.”
“Don’t worry about it. Just go home and take care of yourself. And good luck with Robert. Call me later if you need to talk.”
“Will do,” Sarah said, knowing she wouldn’t.
Chapter 14
Sarah pulled into her driveway and realized that she didn’t remember driving home. She’d been on autopilot again. Not a good sign. It frightened her to lose time like that. Robert called it “checking out.” “Earth to Sarah,” he would say.
You need to get a grip. You can’t be checking out now. You only have a few hours before Robert gets home. Think about your plan. Make sure the house is clean. Cook some food for him. Make yourself presentable. Don’t do anything to set him off. Do you think you can do that without screwing up this time?
Sarah rushed into the house and started checking off items on her mental list. She scanned the foyer, living room, dining room, and kitchen. The house was already relatively clean. That was a good start. She would just do a quick run-through of the rest of the rooms for any last-minute things that might be out of place. And she had leftover lasagna from last night. That would be perfect. She would just throw a salad together and make some garlic bread to go with it.
She glanced at the clock. She needed to get some laundry started and then she would tidy the rest of the rooms before taking her shower. She hoped Lizzy’s room wasn’t a mess—that would throw her timing off. She soothed herself with the thought that she could always just throw everything in the closet. As long as the room looked clean from the hall, Robert would never know the difference.
She walked out into the garage, turned the washer on, and began adding the dirty clothes. She thought about what to wear. She needed something that looked nice but not too sexy. She didn’t want to go there until she was able to talk to Robert and get some answers. She hoped he hadn’t been drinking. That would definitely complicate things.
She finished putting the laundry in the washer and closed the lid. As she put the empty basket on the workbench, she noticed the box labeled “COLLEGE” still sitting where she had left it the previous weekend. She pulled open the lid and rummaged through the top layer. She found a magazine folded open to her short story “The Window Garden” and skimmed through it, remembering how proud she’d felt when it was published. She put it down on the counter and continued looking through the box until she found Matt’s letter. She picked up the magazine and carried it and the letter back into the house.
She glanced at the clock as she walked through the kitchen and realized she’d lost time rummaging through the box. Stay focused. You don’t have time to be taking trips down memory lane right now. You need to concentrate on Robert. Check the house, shower, and get ready. This needs to go well. You really can’t afford to screw this up.
She quickly tidied the den and went upstairs to check Lizzy’s room before going into the master bedroom. She resisted the urge to read the letter, and instead laid it and the magazine on her bedside table. She picked up some dirty clothes she’d left on the floor, made the bed, and quickly wiped down the bathroom surfaces. Then she got in the shower.
Sarah looked at her outfit—a pair of slacks and a sweater—in the mirror. She looked nice but not overtly sexy. Robert had complimented her the last time she’d worn this, saying she looked sophisticated. She thought it would be a good choice for tonight. She put her hair up and put on some light makeup. She didn’t want to look like she was trying too hard. She glanced at the clock and her body relaxed. She was ready for Robert, and with time to spare.
She picked up Matt’s letter off the bedside table and sat down on the bed. The familiarity of his handwriting triggered a barrage of memories. She saw images of things they’d done when they were together, and it felt as if it was all happening now. They were hiking together on Mt. Rainier on a beautiful, rare sunny day, stopping for a loving kiss and embrace. Then the scene shifted and he surprised her with a kite that they took to fly on Kite Hill. And then they were sharing an ice cream sundae and Matt playfully dabbed whip cream on her nose. She felt relaxed and loved. Everything was comfortable and easy. And fun. She had so much fun with him.
She jumped when she heard Robert’s voice call from downstairs. “Sarah. Lizzy. I’m home.”
“Shit!” she said aloud. She’d been so lost in her thoughts that she hadn’t even heard the front door. What are you doing? You’re going to screw this up. You need to focus. Now! Sarah quickly put the unopened letter and the magazine in the drawer of her bedside table and got up to go downstairs. Don’t mess this up. You know what you need to do. Stay calm. Be nice. Don’t upset him. And
don’t fight.
Sarah found Robert in the den, already surfing through stations on the TV. He glanced up when she came in.
“Hey there. Why is your car in the driveway?”
Damn. She hadn’t thought of that. Cars in the driveway were another one of his pet peeves. “The battery died in my opener and I didn’t have any replacement here.”
“Well, be sure to get one tomorrow,” he said turning back to the TV. “Where’s Lizzy?”
“She’s sleeping over at Kate’s tonight.”
“Well that was poor planning on your part, Sarah,” he said looking back at her with a scowl. “You know I like to see her when I come home.”
Since when? Sarah thought but bit her tongue. Don’t aggravate him. He must feel caught off guard; he had probably been counting on Lizzy as a buffer. She could use that to her advantage.
“I know,” she said levelly. “But tonight, I thought it would be important for us to be alone to talk.”
“That’s ridiculous,” he said, continuing to scowl at her. “We can’t talk with Lizzy here?”
So, he was going to pretend as if nothing happened. Sarah was prepared for that. Part of her even wanted to go along with it. But she braced herself. She couldn’t act as if nothing had happened. She needed to be strong and tell him how she felt. And she needed to get some answers.
“Well, it’s been a hard week for me. I’ve been really upset and I wanted to have some alone time to think before you got here.”
“And did you?”
“Did I what?”
“Have time to think? Since it is such a hard thing for you to do with our daughter in the house.” He turned back to the TV.
Sarah felt momentarily deflated. She was no match for Robert. How could she be so foolish as to think she could have a reasonable conversation with him? She considered that it would be easier to just let it go. But a voice crept in and told her to be strong, to ignore his jabs, to not let him get to her. If she got angry, things would get bad, and she didn’t want to go there. She needed to stay calm.
