In fact, I was excited to finally tell my sister about him.
At first, I thought it was weird to talk to her unconscious body. Aside from just begging her to wake up, that is. It felt awkward even when the nurses insisted many patients woke up and could remember hearing the voices of loved ones. And after overhearing nearly every other patient in the ward get talked to like they were awake by close family members, I started doing it too.
I told her about the crazy shit the men at Meryl's said.
I told her about the gym, about the instructors I had.
I bitched about the news.
Anything really.
Just pretending like it was one of our coffee dates and we were just catching up.
So far, I hadn't told her about Edison. Not even about taking a class with him. I actually wasn't sure why I didn't. Maybe because it was such huge thing. It felt weird to tell her when her eyes couldn't go huge, when she couldn't reach across the table, slam her hand on my shoulder and demand Shut up!
I guess because this was such a big thing for me, I selfishly wanted to have her reaction.
But, at the same time, I was bursting with the need of someone to talk to, to tell about the situation.
So I was giddy inside as the elevator doors opened and I moved down the hall.
Where I froze.
Because my mother was standing in front of the nurse's station.
She was a shadow of her former self, plastic surgery somehow managing to make her age worse than if she just let nature take its course, making her skin too tight in some places, too saggy in others. Her hair was dyed almost white-blonde, making her tan skin look ridiculous.
Normally, I would just roll my eyes at her outfit choices, but seeing as we were in a hospital, her skintight pink dress and sky-high stilettos were especially absurd.
Ugh.
Way to kill a good mood.
Thankfully, she had avoided coming to visit often, only doing so right after Letha was brought in and then on her birthday.
I was pretty sure I couldn't handle more than that.
"Mother," I said, voice chilly as I sent a head-shake at the nurses.
"Lenore," she said, eyes dipping over my outfit distastefully.
"What are you doing here?"
Her chin lifted at that, her eyes steely.
"You were never going to make the decision."
No.
"I agreed to six months. It came and went."
Nononono.
My eyes went from her to the nurse, eyes pleading.
And her words came out, stealing the air from my lungs.
"Letha was taken off life support. She died at seven-twenty this morning."
And just like that, my entire world collapsed around me.
ELEVEN
Lenny
No.
Nonononononono.
I couldn't quite process any thought.
I couldn't fucking think at all.
I charged past my mother into my sister's room, ripping the privacy curtain to the side.
And finding an empty bed.
Oh, God.
This couldn't be happening.
This couldn't...
"You said six months. Six months passed."
"Three fucking days ago!" I screamed. Yes, screamed. Top of my lungs, likely startling everyone on the floor.
"You're being dramatic, Lenore. She was dead the day they brought her in. You just kept her alive because you wanted to."
"You selfish bitch!" I yelled, hand going to my chest that felt like a swirling black hole, sucking everything inside, creating a deeper void. The tears stung at the back of my eyes, horrifying even in my despair. "I didn't get to say good... I didn't get to say anything."
God.
I couldn't breathe.
I couldn't...
"Lenny, please," the nurse tried, putting a hand at my shoulder, trying to offer comfort.
I lurched away, not knowing what I was doing, where I was going, but flying out of there, then down the stairs, not wanting to be stuck in an elevator while I shattered into a million little pieces.
Letha was gone.
Gone.
I didn't get to tell her I loved her.
I didn't get to say goodbye.
I didn't get to hold her hand when she drifted away.
I didn't get to be there.
I don't know how I drove. I don't even remember how I got to my car. I wasn't sure how I was able to see when tears flooded my eyes so relentlessly that my shirt was damp, sticking to my skin, chilling me to the bone.
I don't even remember waiting for the gate to be opened for me - or who did it.
The next thing I was aware of was pulling my car right up to the front door, not even cutting the engine, throwing open my side door, then falling to my knees right beside my car.
"Oh shit," I heard hissed before I heard boots running, a door slamming.
God, it hurt.
I didn't even have words to describe the crumbling, empty feeling in my chest, the acute piercing, the burning in my lungs that refused to hold any air.
There was a door and boots again, several sets.
Hunched over, I couldn't see.
But I heard him.
The person I came to without even thinking of it.
"Lenny?" his voice called, sounding as horrified as I felt.
There was a dying animal noise that filled my ears, and it took me a long second to realize it came from me as I curled further forward, trying to hold myself together.
There was hardly even a pause before I felt arms slide under my legs, then my lower back, before I felt myself held against a strong chest, lifted, then carried.
I turned my face into his soft shirt, soaking his through as I had done my own. My hands curled into his shoulders, holding on too hard, I knew, but couldn't force my fingers to loosen their hold.
"What is everyone running—" Adler's voice called then stopped as he, I imagined, took in my sobbing, broken self. "Oh, fuck," he hissed as Edison led me away.
A door slammed.
Edison lowered himself down onto the bed.
His one arm held me tight.
The other stroked places reassuringly - my hair, my back, my neck - as I sobbed - loudly, uncontrollably.
He didn't shush me.
He didn't tell me it was okay.
I guess maybe a part of him knew that it wasn't, that saying so would cheapen how I was feeling.
He was just - as he had once promised - there for me.
He let me purge it until the skin on my face felt burned raw from tears, until the shirt beneath my face was soaked, until my eyes were so swollen that I suddenly felt tired even though I was sure the last thing in the world I would ever be able to do again was sleep.
But later, and I wasn't sure how much later it was, it felt like years, that was exactly what happened.
And I didn't wake up until a long, long time later, and only then because Edison was shaking me, almost violently.
"No," I hissed, trying to curl away from his hold.
"You have to get up."
His voice was soft, sweet, almost pleading.
But I was just sharp edges protecting the nothing inside.
"Fuck off."
There was a small exhale as he sat down on the edge of the bed, hand sinking into my hip, dragging me back onto my back.
"It's been twelve hours, Lenny. You need to get up. Eat. Drink. Talk to me."
"I don't want to talk. And I'm not hungry or thirsty."
"I'm sorry about your sister."
Something inside snapped at that, shooting me upward in the bed, shock flooding my system as I impatiently shoved hair out of my face, looking at Edison through small, pained eyes, a headache jackhammering in my temples. "How..."
"Your phone kept ringing in your car. Cy brought it to me. I answered. It was the hospital asking about the arrangements." I shot forward at that, trying to grab my phone, des
perate to get back to them, to tell them not to release the body on my mother's word. To wait for me. I would not drop the ball again. I would not let her turn my amazing fucking sister's funeral into a dog and pony show. I wasn't going to let her cheapen her memory. Her, the woman who spent her life hating the amazing, beautiful, sweet, and wonderful person that had been Letha.
Had been.
God, the pain was enough to make me have to curl forward again.
"It's okay, I told them that you would call them back in the morning with a plan," he told me, his hand closing over mine on the phone. "She said that in light of what happened, they will make sure you are the one who handles the arrangements."
I owed them something.
Those nurses.
Someday when I wasn't pieces on the ground - if ever that stopped - I owed them a thank you for all that they had done.
"Lenny, what happened?"
I couldn't.
I couldn't do it.
I couldn't go into all the details.
I couldn't even stay upright.
I pulled back, lowering down on my side, facing away from him. "She took her off life support without letting me say goodbye."
I expected the tears to come again.
But my eyes remained stubbornly dry.
Empty, that was what I was.
Empty even of tears.
Just a hollow shell.
I wasn't aware of much, save for the wall I stared at. I assumed Edison came and went.
At some point, I went to sleep.
When I woke up again, Edison was in bed beside me, fast asleep.
I inched out of bed myself, feeling like a zombie as I moved through his room, then into the hall, and out to the common room where Cyrus and Cash were sitting, sharing a few beers.
"Honey, you need something?" Cash asked, voice telling me that he knew.
I would have been upset about that if I hadn't shown up absolutely losing my shit, and therefore making them ask questions that Edison had to answer.
"My keys," I said, my voice as hollow as I felt.
"I don't think—" Cyrus started to object.
"I'm not asking," I snapped.
"You heard her," Pagan said from behind me, making me jump as he moved past me to go behind the bar, and fish out my keys. "We aren't her captors. She can go if she needs to go."
He handed me the keys, and the nod I gave him was as close to thanks as I could manage.
I didn't say anything else, felt like there was a fist lodged in my throat, making it impossible, so I didn't even try.
I went outside, found my car, and did what I hadn't been able to stop thinking of since the second my eyes opened.
I needed to go home.
So I did.
And then I dug up all the hiding places, pulling out her ballerina box, and what was left of the tea set from her childhood, the exact cups that I had tattooed on my hip.
Letha, she had the teapot on her back.
I had jokingly said when we packed the damn set up to move her into her newest apartment that they were like us. She was so full that she poured over and filled up my empty.
That was when we decided to get the tattoos.
Now, well, mine felt oddly appropriate, didn't it?
I was just empty.
With nothing to ever fill me back up again.
I cradled that teacup to my chest, curling down on my side on the unyielding, ugly floor.
The cold had worked its way through my body, making me shiver hard when my door opened. Actually, maybe I had even left it open. I didn't know. All I did know is that I heard familiar boots, then saw knees as Edison knelt down beside me.
His hand moved out, touching the delicate children's teacup.
"I wanted to tell her about you," I told him, not sure where the words were coming from since my brain felt numb and empty. I guess, maybe, it was coming from somewhere else. My heart. My soul. "When I was going to see her today, I was excited to finally tell her. She would have loved that information, if she was awake. I just... I don't know. I like talking to her like she was. Liked," I clarified, feeling another stab.
She was going to become a past tense.
That was never going to stop hurting.
"But when I got there, my mom had already pulled her life support. She had no right," I added, feeling a bit of the rage bubble up. "I was the one there for her, protecting her from our mother all her life, making sure she got given back to Jake to protect her from the jackass my mom was married to who felt me up in my sleep."
A hand that had landed on my thigh reassuringly suddenly tightened hard.
"He what?"
"That wasn't the point," I brushed it off. "I was the one at her bedside every week, calling in experts."
I didn't want to believe the first doctor's opinion, that she was dead already, that I should just pull the plug. I had called in for a second opinion where I was told that the first doctor was, essentially, a moron. You had to give the brain a chance to heal. He said that in his opinion, everyone should be given six months to let the swelling go down so all the tests could be more conclusive.
That was why I had been counting down the six months, hoping for slow improvement.
Unfortunately, it got clearer and clearer that Letha was not going to be one of the lucky ones.
But that was my choice to make.
Me.
Who was there at her side.
Who had painted her nails, only to take it back off each time because the nurses needed to keep an eye in case anything went blue. I brushed her hair. I talked to her. I made sure the TV was on Animal Planet or HGTV because that was what she liked.
I did all that.
It was me who should have been with her when she went.
For her, because I had always been there for her, because she would have wanted me there for her in the end.
And for me.
Because I needed that closure.
I needed to be able to let go, to say goodbye.
Maybe it was selfish to keep her suspended like I did.
Naive even.
I just wanted to make sure.
I couldn't think of a worse thing in the world than unplugging her just before she was going to make a turn for the better.
"This was hers?" he asked, touching the cup, too delicate and girly against his wide hand.
"Yeah. She loved tea parties."
"And took ballet?" he asked gesturing toward the music box.
"She was really good too," I told him. "She taught classes on the weekends just for fun."
"Is this her diary?"
"Don't," I snapped grabbing it out of his hand, pulling it to my chest.
"I wasn't going to read it, love," he said, shaking his head as he moved to sit beside the mess of me on the floor.
"She usually told me everything," I heard myself say.
"Usually?"
"She told me about him," I agreed, needing to tell it, needing to share it. It had been threatening to break me for half a year. "She was so excited because he was mature and settled, not some fuckboy like the rest of the guys her age." His hand moved to my hip, gently stroking up and down my thigh. "She told me about where he took her, what his family was like, how much Jake - her dad - liked him. She didn't tell me about all the other shit."
"What other shit?"
"The shit that she knew would make me drive over to his place, and cut off his balls with a very dull butter knife."
Thin as she was, he called her fat, he demanded she lose weight, or he would leave her.
He made her approve her outings with her friends and - apparently - me.
He criticized her housework, her career path, her clothing, her makeup, her hair, her style in bed.
And that was just in the first three months.
The diary entries took a turn toward the dark around then as well, though whenever she saw me, all I saw was my usual Letha. If there was even a hint of the self-loathing
that was inside her diary, I would have known, I would have demanded to know what was going on. And once I did, I would have handled it.
Nothing I do pleases him. It seems like the more I try, the angrier he gets.
He jumped off of me, grabbed me by my hair - hard enough that I found a chunk of it on the floor after - and forced me down on my knees, telling me that if I couldn't fuck him right, then he was just going to fuck my mouth instead. I'd never had a man do what he did to me before. He yanked back my head, then thrust into my mouth, his cock gagging me until spit and cum were coming out my nose, until my throat was raw and swollen from the assault, until tears were streaming down my cheeks. Only then was it over. Then he stroked my cheek and told me how good I was, how much he loved that I loved his cock in my mouth.
He slapped me today. He swore it would never happen again. It happened again, but I shrank his favorite football jersey.
The blame just kept getting more and more intense as her self-worth dropped.
"She actually claimed that she thought she deserved it when he split her lip because she had been talking too much."
"Fucking asshole," Edison growled, sounding somehow as angry about it as I felt when I learned it.
Nothing I ever do is good enough. I guess I will never be good enough. Why do I even keep trying?
"That was her last entry. A suicide note of sorts."
A 'swan dive' sounds so peaceful, doesn't it?
"That's why she was in a coma," Edison concluded. "She jumped."
My stomach dropped at the memory of that call, the words that made absolutely no sense.
I had seen her three days before.
She had forced me to take a selfie with her, smiling as big as ever, knowing how much I hated selfies.
My sister would never have wanted to kill herself.
Except she did.
She did, and I didn't know.
You never usually do.
That was what the shrink at the hospital tried to tell me.
People, women especially, are really good at hiding their depression. They don't want to burden anyone else.
She didn't want to burden me.
Edison Page 16
