by Ines Saint
“You need to go on that show, the one with the chatty females,” Filip advised him over smooth, warming Scotch Manhattans at Filip’s house on Christmas Eve. Jake was set to attend a stiff annual Christmas dinner with his mother’s self-important, dwindling old-money side of the family while Filip was heading out to be with his warm, loud, welcoming family.
Meeting for the sweet drink had become a tradition, but it was the first time Jake had ever wondered what it would be like to be Filip: older, wiser, and the patriarch of a family who loved him and supported him.
“I think the hippie one likes you. She seems very perceptive,” Filip continued before Jake’s thoughts could take him further down that trail.
“You watch that show?” Jake shook his head, his manhood betrayed. “Those women want to skewer me, Filip, not interview me. Especially the hippie — I’m sure she’s already got an eye on a nice long, splintery stick with my name on it.”
“I think they just want to get to know you, Jake,” Filip laughed and shook his head at him. “And they’ve got a way about them. They even managed to make Mike Summers and his wife squirm when they kept innocently questioning them over trivial daily things that pertained to their perfect marriage.”
Jake remained silent … too offended by Filip’s idea to dignify it with a response. He took a last swig of his drink, swished it around his mouth, and got up to leave.
“Just promise me you’ll think about it. You should trust your wise elders more often, you know,” Filip said before getting up and engulfing Jake in a fatherly hug. Though Jake couldn’t fathom putting himself so out there, the way people tended to do on the popular talk show, he was caught in a wave of affection for Filip and said, “You know I trust the people I love, Filip. I’ll think about it.”
“At some point, you have to learn to put faith in others, Jake.” Filip seemed sad as he stepped back.
“I do put faith in others,” Jake shrugged.
“Not enough. People are right to question your commitment to the city when you can’t even commit to one woman.”
“They’re wrong. One has nothing to do with the other. That kind of commitment is messy, it involves another person and everything that person carries inside. If you’re asking me if I can give one person that much power over me, I can’t. But if you’re asking me if I can commit to the city, I know I can deliver, because progress is measurable and quantifiable. People aren’t.” Jake explained with more emotion than he had intended.
Filip squeezed his arm and Jake cleared his throat and looked down, so he wouldn’t have to see his friend’s concern.
Filip walked away then, and watching him go with such a heavy stride pained Jake. “You look tired,” he observed, after studying his old friend.
“I am tired,” Filip sighed, turning one last time. “You know, there are times I feel there’s still so much I need to witness in my life, and there are others when I just really miss my wife. Her thoughts and feeling were known to me, and I miss them. Tonight, I just really miss the woman I came home to for forty-five years.”
• • •
On Christmas Eve, after an early family dinner, Tania, Mia, and Keila were helping Graciela clean the house and prepare for the large family gathering the next day.
As thunder rolled and rain patted the windows outside, inside Graciela and Mia worked downstairs while Tania and Keila made up songs to make the chore livelier upstairs.
When they came up with a tune they liked for their lyrics, cleaning took a back seat. Keila took her violin out and plucked while Tania sang.
“It’s a rainy day and I feel it again, these thoughts of you they drag me down into hell. You messed with my mind and you messed with my heart, if I see you again, I’ll shoot your male parts. You just — ”
An ahem caught their attention and they turned to see Graciela, in full disapproving stance, at the door. “You have a visitor,” she said to Keila in her polite “we’ve got company” voice. Keila looked up and promptly did a double take.
Julia Hamilton, dressed as if she were going to a prep school prom, was standing right behind her mother.
Tania smiled her tight smile and followed Graciela out the door. Keila stood and motioned Julia in. Whatever Julia’s relationship with Jake was, she had always treated Keila with respect, so she would do the same.
Graciela could be heard saying, “So you two were making up awful songs upstairs while Mia and I worked our butts off downstairs?” Tania answered, “Yep, we’re starting a band, we’re calling ourselves ‘Twisted Ball-Busters,’” before the sound of their voices died away.
Julia let out something that sounded like a laugh and quietly asked, “Can I join your band?”
Keila finally smiled, asking, “That depends, are you twisted?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe,” Julia nodded, her eyes wide.
“Are you a ball-buster?” Keila asked, doubtfully.
“I wish I was.”
“Good enough. You’re in,” Keila declared.
They were quiet again and Keila looked around Tania’s old room, where the only place to sit was the bed. She sat and signaled Julia to do the same.
Finally, Julia cleared her throat. “This is hard for me. I’ve been wanting to talk to you for so long and today, of all days, I was on my way to a party and I just … I just decided to come here, first,” she confessed as she fiddled with her hands.
Though Julia was the older of the two, she was so delicate and shy that she seemed years younger. Keila decided to just get it over with and plunged in with her suspicions. “Is this about Jake Kelly?” she guessed. And when Julia nodded, Keila immediately said, “There’s nothing between us — ” just as Julia quickly breathed out. “I’m the one who sent those pictures to the media.”
Keila shook her head, completely baffled. “What pictures? The pictures of you and Jake in Kankakee?”
“No,” Julia swallowed hard and stared at her hands. “The pictures of you and Jake dancing at the Chicago SummerDance Festival.”
Stunned, Keila just stared. Julia wiped her hands on Tania’s patchwork quilt and cleared her throat yet again. In a shaky voice, she continued. “Jake’s been my best friend since, well, since before either of us could walk, probably, and there’s never been anything remotely romantic between the two of us. He’s like a brother to me, one of the few people I can just let go and be myself around,” Julia finally looked up, an earnest expression on her face.
Still too confused to speak, Keila reached out and grabbed Julia’s hand, encouraging her to continue.
Julia breathed a sigh of relief and seemed more composed. “That evening in July, after our auditions for Second City, I’d asked Jake to meet me at Grant Park because I love watching people dance and I really needed a friend. I was sure I’d lost the permanent position to you. You performed with so much heart while I concentrated too hard on technique.
“But when I arrived, I saw him dancing with you and I saw the way he was looking at you, and … I just, I’d never seen him that way. I mean, he was dancing salsa, of all things, and he seemed, I don’t know, like he was free,” Julia paused.
“And you seemed entranced. You know how you feel when you play a deeply moving piece?” she asked Keila, who nodded again. “That’s kind of how I felt watching you two; like I was watching something deeper than words. I decided to take pictures, to show Jake later on, but he was so busy after that night, and I just never really knew how to bring the subject up.”
“But, why did you decide to send the pictures to the media?” Keila asked when she found her voice.
Julia squeezed Keila’s hand, as if looking for more encouragement before answering. “It was after he came to tell me that he wouldn’t need my assistance with the music program. He knew I didn’t really want the position, but he still felt the need to explain why he’d gone with someone else and when he mentioned your name … I couldn’t believe he was trying to come off so aloof, acting as if he’d just met yo
u, even though I could clearly tell he was agitated. And Jake doesn’t do agitated. So I decided to send the pictures, just to give him a shock; a jolt. I just thought it would be good for the two of you. Especially after I’d gotten the position and I had to watch you sit on the sidelines, when I felt you deserved a permanent position. It was stupid, but I thought I could at least help you find love.”
Keila took a moment to let the full meaning of everything Julia had said sink in. But she just couldn’t wrap her head around it. Jake and Julia really were just friends, and Julia wanted them to be together. And Julia had sent those pictures. Julia!
“Let me get this straight. You took those pictures of us that night and you made them public because you thought that would somehow bring us together? You, um, thought you’d be doing me a favor?”
“I’m sorry,” Julia exhaled. “Patty and I thought it would force Jake to acknowledge there was something there. I — I realize now we didn’t stop to think the attention could hurt you. I guess we’re more used to it, and it never crossed our minds.”
“Patty? Patty Kelly? Jake’s mom? She was in on it?”
Julia gulped. “Don’t be mad at her, please. I promise it made sense at the time.”
Keila was shocked, not mad.
“Um, I have to go. I’m late as it is and it isn’t a good day to interrupt you for so long. Will you be okay, Keila? I’ve always felt like you were someone I could be friends with. I really didn’t mean to cause trouble for you, and … and I still think … never mind.” Julia shook her head and stood up.
Keila stood up, too. “I’m just trying to process all of this. I think it’ll take a while. But,” she exhaled. “I’d like to be friends, too,” she tried to smile before walking Julia downstairs.
Just as Julia was about to leave, Keila pulled her into a quick hug knowing that though her actions had been misguided, she hadn’t meant harm, and it had been brave of her to confess. She was rewarded with a teary smile from Julia.
“One more thing,” Julia turned back. “The night of your first performance with Second City? Jake convinced my parents to dump their original guest and take him instead; I’d never seen him so insistent and unreasonable,” she smiled. “And I know it wasn’t to see me play, because he’s sick of hearing me play.”
Keila didn’t know what to say to that; wasn’t even sure she believed it. What would it mean if she believed it?
• • •
“What was that about?” Keila’s mom sat on the sofa and patted the seat next to her.
“Nothing,” Keila sat down next to her mom, feeling as messy inside as ever.
“Why won’t you talk to me, hija?” Graciela sighed. “I’m not blind, I know my own daughter and I see what’s going on but every time I ask, you shut me out.”
Keila closed her eyes. She didn’t want to talk to her mother because Graciela was a hopeless romantic, and Keila didn’t want to be sucked into her dream. “I just … I love you, mami, but I’m not sure I want to hear what you have to say.”
“How do you know for sure what I’ll say?” Graciela grabbed her hand. “I know you’re not me, Keila. I don’t expect my daughters to feel as I do or think as I do. But I do hope they never make decisions out of fear. Try to base your decisions on love and not fear, that’s all I’ll say.”
“You think I’m afraid?”
“I know you are. And I’m afraid for you,” her mother admitted, her eyes shining with myriad emotions. “Things haven’t worked out in this family the way we expected them to. But in the end, I wouldn’t change the decisions I made out of love, Keila, and as much as your sister talks, I know she wouldn’t either. You, Tania, and Mia, you are all the product of decisions made out of love.”
Keila let her mom fold her into a hug and she found so much comfort in that embrace, she began to feel the tight rein she held over her thoughts and feelings give way.
“I don’t know what it is he does to me, but from the moment I laid eyes on him, I’ve been asking myself ‘what if’? What if that guy over there and I danced, what if I let him hold me in his arms? How would that feel? Next thing I knew we were dancing and being held by him felt so amazing, it was scary.”
“It certainly looked amazing,” Graciela chuckled softly, smoothing her daughter’s hair.
“And then after that night I’d catch myself wondering, what if I hadn’t walked away? What if I would’ve stayed dancing him with there, in the rain? And it was fun to imagine us dancing close and reveling in those feelings because I didn’t think I’d ever see him again.
“But then I did see him again, and I got really stupid and wondered things like what if I got to know him, and what if he kissed me, and then I’d tamp it all down because I knew it would be too incredible, you know?”
Graciela sighed, “Oh, I know.”
“And, well, now I’m so lost, I don’t know what to do.”
“Well, maybe you should allow yourself one more what if. What if you let go of your fears over what might happen and you let yourself live in the moment? You can’t control the future, hija, and you can’t control other people or their feelings, but you can control your fears, and you can control your own reactions to whatever the future brings. You are not me, Keila. And you are not your sister.”
• • •
Jake arrived at his aunt’s palatial, lake front residence on the North Shore in the midst of a thunderstorm, and braced himself for the trying evening ahead. Thankfully, he was first received by Melissa; a luscious blonde beauty and the discreet daughter of an old family friend. Her suggestive glances and light touches always had the ability to hold him captive with the promise of a good time after family affairs.
Out of habit, Jake smiled back and leaned in to whisper some innuendo in her ear before realizing he had nothing to say; nothing to promise. Certain moments of his unearthly weekend with Keila invaded his thoughts and, just like that, the woman before him held no magic. This astounded him.
Looking back, he realized he hadn’t even glanced at another woman since Keila had stepped into his campaign headquarters and back into his life. Every lustful thought from that moment on had involved Keila.
Keila, who’d thought so little of him, she’d accused him of using her to get votes.
Disappointed in him and determined to regain his sense of self, Jake forced himself to come up with some decadent allusion. Melissa smiled and whispered back. Satisfied, he turned away from her, for the time being anyway, and was promptly met with his mother’s disapproving glance.
“What are you up to?” She came up to him a second later in a cloud of expensive perfume, perfectly coifed hair, and suspicion.
“Nothing. I’m here to make nice and leave as soon as possible.”
“Don’t do anything that has even the slightest chance of ruining your future, Jake Kelly,” his mother warned; her voice as stern as he’d never heard it.
“My candidacy is in the crapper. Don’t worry about it.”
“That’s not the future I’m talking about,” she said. “If I were talking about your candidacy, which I’m not, I’d tell you it was at its best when people thought you were with Keila, the fact that you had fallen for someone as real as Keila said good things about you, Jake, and it made people feel like they could get to know you.”
Jake ran his hand through his hair and down his face, his patience hanging by a thread. “It was rumor, not fact — I haven’t fallen for anyone. People have chosen to judge me based on all the wrong issues; Keila never had anything to do with it. So please don’t mention her to me again.”
“Fine, I won’t mention her, I’ll only say that if you want to throw it all away over a pair of tits, that’s your prerogative.”
Stunned into silence, Jake looked around to make sure no one had heard his mother.
“That’s right, I said tits, and I don’t care. I’ve been prim and proper my whole life and what did that get me? A whole lot of heartache and an emotionally warped son who does
n’t care if he never gives his mother grandchildren and the redemptive golden years that will come with them!” His mother stormed off after hissing and ranting at him.
It occurred to him that this was the second time that day that someone had told him that people just wanted to get to know him. What was it they wanted to know? His whole plan was out there, transparent and in the open.
• • •
Christmas Day arrived with a big, loud, happy mess of family and Mexican, Puerto Rican, and American traditions at the Diaz home. Her mom, still celebrating that Keila was back home and finding success, had both sides of the family over for dinner. Over banter, music, and food, it was hard not to get caught up in the high, festive spirit.
Even Chris, Mia’s dad, had come. Apparently he ditched his daughter when invited, but showed up when he wasn’t expected. At the moment he was horsing and playing around with Mia as if he were father of the year. Mia’s gleeful, animated squeals made everyone smile, even Tania, who always found strength to welcome Chris and behave civilly in Mia’s presence.
But at a certain point, when everyone had eaten and the noise and party atmosphere began to wind down, thoughts could no longer be avoided.
Somewhere in Keila’s heart, she was feeling guilty, angry, and hurt all at once. The last couple of weeks had been brutal to Jake and, after every appearance, explanation and press release regarding his scandal; he was still down in opinion polls.
Keila was still struggling between feeling like Jake had played her for a fool or thinking that maybe Jake was the one who was being played and misunderstood by the world, especially by her.
After Julia’s visit, she couldn’t help and remember, on a basic level, moments that seemed to show Jake cared for her. But she was torn between the Jake in some of her memories, and the Jake who appeared in television, newspapers, and other memories; the handsome but aloof stranger.
As Keila watched Chris saying goodbye to Mia, she caught him shooting a long, unhappy, regretful glance at Tania. It was obvious Chris loved her sister as much as he was capable of. Different people were capable of varying sums of love. It was just in Graciela and Tania’s nature to love deeply and hurt deeply. And Keila wasn’t sure she wanted to find out how deeply she could love or how deeply she could hurt.
