by Stewart, JM
“What’s your email address?”
After he gave it to her, the sound of a chair rolling across a hard floor drifted over the line, followed by the ticking of keys. “All right. Check your email.”
“Hang on.” He pushed off the sofa and moved through the house, winding his way through the rooms into his home office. There he sank into the chair behind his desk and opened his email program. Angela’s name popped into his inbox. He clicked the link attached. A black and white ultrasound picture popped up onto his screen moments later.
A herd of wild elephants stampeded through his chest as his mind processed the image in front of him. Two distinct gestational sacs, two distinct babies.
Alex squinted at the monitor. Blinked in disbelief. “Is that what I think it is?”
“Twins,” she offered softly.
“Twins.” He sank back into the chair, staring at the shapes on the screen. Emotion swamped him. Dual waves of fear and guilt, regret and awe, all washing over him, twisting at the wound in his chest and slowly drowning him.
Another black and white image flitted through his mind, a similar snapshot from long ago. He shifted his gaze to the dark wooden picture frame on the corner of his desk. She stood in front of the monkey exhibit at the Central Park Zoo, a stuffed monkey under one arm, beaming at him. Her chestnut curls bounced around her chin, her smile lighting up her entire face. She’d wrapped him around her little finger, and he’d gladly let her.
He shifted his gaze back to the computer, to the ultrasound picture, to the two tiny babies on the screen, the wound in his chest aching all over again. This wasn’t the way he’d planned his life. The same overwhelming guilt he’d struggled with for over a year now rose again within him—how could he move forward when his wife and daughter lay cold in the ground?
Yet at the same time the thought of those babies filled him with a profound sense of awe and wonder that grabbed a hold of him and refused to let go. Looking at them was like getting a glimpse into the future, all bright and promising. If only he could find it in himself to reach out and take what they represented.
“Are you disappointed?”
The soft uncertainty in Angela’s voice as it drifted over the line cut through the fog that held him bound. This wasn’t only about him. “Why on earth would I be?”
She was silent for a moment, but he could hear the wheels of her mind turning, could almost hear her struggling with her words. “You don’t sound overly thrilled.”
His gut wrenched.
“I’m sorry. It’s a bit…difficult to process.” He turned to stare at the framed picture again. What made him say it, he wasn’t sure. The words left his mouth on not only a need to say them, but to share them with her. “There’s a picture of Hailey on my desk, beside my computer. I still have her ultrasound pictures in a box in the bedroom closet. I remember the day Karen had the procedure done.”
“I have to admit,” she said softly, “all things considered, I wasn’t sure if you’d even want them. This must be very difficult for you.”
Her soft words, the uncertain catch in her voice, twisted at his gut. “I’m not going to leave you to raise them by yourself, Ang. What the hell kind of man were you married to?” It bugged the crap out of him that she kept expecting him to turn around and walk away from her. It also made him long, more than anything, to take her in his arms and soothe the doubt. To reassure her.
“David didn’t want children,” she whispered.
“Well, I’m not David. I meant what I said, I’ll be right here. Through all of it. I want to share as much as I can.” His voice lowered, softened with the need that swelled within him. “I wish I could have been there with you.”
Somehow he knew he meant that, though the thought sat like acid on his tongue.
“The distance…” He let out a heavy breath. “I don’t know. We’ll figure it out. I have to admit I haven’t thought that far yet.”
That wasn’t entirely the truth. Amongst the millions of thoughts flying through his head this week, he’d been toying with the idea of moving back to Vegas. He’d even thought about doing the right thing and asking Angela to marry him. She deserved that much. Except he knew his heart wouldn’t be in it. He was old fashioned. Marriage ought to be about love. He couldn’t give her that. Though he hoped love might find him again one day, he had no idea if he’d ever get there. Angela deserved better than that.
That was neither here nor there. The fact was, neither one of them was ready to take that step. She’d said as much.
“Are they healthy?” he asked, before he risked their already precarious relationship by telling her all the thoughts running rampant through his mind.
“Doctor said everything looked good.”
A knot somewhere inside of him eased.
“Good. So.” He settled back in the chair. “Do you want boys or girls?”
She was silent a moment. “Honestly? Girls. I’ve always wanted a girl. Someone to dress up in frilly pink dresses, do her hair every day.”
The memories rose, filling his chest with warmth. “Girls are very sweet.”
“How old was she?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.
Her question surprised him. For a moment he debated what to tell her. Then he closed his eyes and found himself back in the safety of Angela’s embrace. The words fell from his mouth, pulled out of him by the softness of her voice.
“Four,” he said. “She would’ve started kindergarten this fall.”
“Tell me about her?”
He glanced again at the picture beside the computer. “She was just like her mother. Stubborn and opinionated, but lord she was strong willed. She had a definite mind of her own and wasn’t afraid to share it with the likes of me.”
Memories filled his mind. He found himself sharing them with Angela. Of all the times Hailey had woken him up by crawling in bed between him and Karen. Of her standing in the middle of the kitchen, hands on her hips, wagging a finger at him when she’d caught him doing something he shouldn’t have. Like drinking from the milk carton. Or swearing. Or forgetting to wash his hands before dinner.
Angela let out a quiet laugh, soft, throaty and breathy, reminding him too much of the first time he’d heard it at the club. “See, you do like feisty women.”
The tone of her voice said she’d meant the words as a tease, but once out, the air charged. Silence rang over the line, burned between them with wants and needs. Images rose up around him. Of her. Of them. That night. Of their bodies wrapped around each other.
Even though he knew he ought to end their conversation, that it went against his better judgment, he still found himself telling her, “I’m getting no sleep because of you, you know that? Haven’t slept in a damn week. My concentration was shot to hell, because all I could think about was this damn phone call. Of getting to hear your voice.”
He dragged a frustrated hand through his hair. The woman had him wound in knots. He wasn’t good for her, but they were having a baby, two of them, yet all he could think about was getting his hands on her. He wanted to watch her face, to know he’d been the one to make her moan and tremble, wanted to lose himself in those chaotic eyes all over again. All the while knowing he shouldn’t want any of it. Like that night, he found himself drawn to her, pulled in by something he couldn’t comprehend, but wasn’t strong enough to deny.
“Hell, Ang, do you know what I’m doing right now? Trying to picture you and wondering what on earth you’re wearing.”
****
Angela’s entire body trembled. The low tenor of Alex’s voice, the need etched in those words, settled deep in her core. The low burning coals in her belly ignited into a full blaze.
God how she wanted to admit how much she’d thought about their night together. She couldn’t stop seeing the tender heat in his eyes, the looks that had made her feel like the only woman in the world.
She bit her lower lip and glanced down at herself, sighed, uncertain whether she meant to pu
t him off…or encourage him, but the words left her mouth unbidden. “I’m afraid I’m not wearing anything worthy of Candy. I’m not her, Alex, anywhere except at the club. I’m just…me.”
Silence rang across the line. Nerves clenched at her stomach. Despite knowing he wanted her, all those old insecurities rose all over again. The night they’d spent together she’d filled a role, but here, now? She was just Angela. Would he be disappointed in how plain she was? David had been. David had left her.
“I happen to like Angela.” Spoken soft and rough, but intimately honest. “I think if you wore a potato sack it would still arouse me.”
Angela’s heart thudded in her chest, an odd mixture of giddy, happy butterflies and desire rolling through her body. The air between them filled with the quiet whispers of needs unspoken.
“Are you aroused?” She bit her lip. Oh she should not have asked him that, but the very thought made her blood pulse, made her ache, to know she’d done that to him. Just her. Just Angela. It made her feel so…powerful. That power was a luscious heady sensation that went to her head in a dizzying rush and made her yearn for more.
He let out a low growl, a sound of defeat and agony. “Immensely.”
A beat of silence passed over the line, electrified with all the things neither one of them were saying out loud, then very quietly he asked, “Where are you?”
As her mind quickly followed his, a delicious shiver rocketed down her spine. She ought to end this phone call, make up some excuse, but instead she found herself telling him, “In my room.”
“Are you alone?”
“Yes.” The word left her mouth breathy and way too honest. His provocative tone pulled all rational thought from her brain.
She should end this now.
“Are you on the bed?”
Desire slid through her, settling between her thighs, making her achy and needy in the span of a single, thundering heartbeat. She drew in a shuddering breath. “Should I be?”
“Do you want to be?”
His question was silent and unspoken, but there all the same. Did she want him the way he wanted her?
She gripped the arm of the chair with her free hand, sank back into the seat and closed her eyes. She should tell him no and remove the unbearable temptation rising between them, but it was a lie. The words refused to leave her mouth.
“I want you here.” She wanted to feel the warmth of his skin against hers, his hands on her. He hadn’t even touched her, couldn’t touch her, but she burned for him. Only Alex could put out the flames he’d stoked within her.
He made a sound at the back of his throat, of pleasure, of torment. “Me too. You have no idea. Close your eyes. I’m right beside you.”
****
Angela lay on her bed twenty minutes later, naked and panting, trying to catch her breath as she listened to Alex’s harsh, ragged breathing on the other end of the line. She stared at the textured ceiling in disbelief. She had not just done that.
What in the world had gotten into her? She didn’t do those sorts of things. Geeky Angela Lewis did not have phone sex. God help her it had been an experience she wouldn’t soon forget. The energy between them had been intense. They’d fed on each other, the way a gentle breeze stokes a flame. It had made for an explosive experience that had taken her breath away. Literally.
“Is it always like that, Alex?” she whispered.
“I wouldn’t know, sweetheart,” he said, every bit as breathless as she was.
That caught her attention. He’d always seemed so…experienced. “You’ve never done that before either?”
He let out a quiet laugh. “No. You’re a first for me in quite a lot of ways, Ang.”
That was the terrifying part. Their experience had also been the most intimate of her life, because she wasn’t playing Candy. She’d just been Angela, had shared pieces of herself with him she never had with anyone else before. Certainly not David.
She’d felt so safe with Alex. Lost in the intensity rocking between them, she’d come back to the room forgetting for a moment he wasn’t there with her. That sense of safety had settled around her. Warm and reassuring, it had allowed her to relax.
All of which had warning bells blaring red alert in her head. He was the first man since David who made her feel…vulnerable. No man had ever made her yearn for his touch the way Alex did.
The thought of getting involved again scared her to death. Getting involved with a man whose heart was, by his own admission, unavailable, was unwise at best. She knew better.
All of which left her floundering. Part of her wanted to run straight into his arms. A larger part screamed at her to run in the opposite direction. Angela found herself caught somewhere in the middle.
She squeezed her eyes shut as panic rose up around her, lodging in her throat. She should not have allowed that to go so far.
“I have to go,” she said, the words tumbling from her mouth on a voice she couldn’t seem to keep from trembling.
“Okay. Are you all right?” A mixture of concern and confusion etched his voice.
“I…I don’t know. Oh God I don’t know.” She rocked her head from side to side, the words leaving her mouth on a bare whisper. “I don’t know what I’m doing here, Alex.” She paused, then quietly admitted, “You scare the hell out of me.”
“You’re the first, you know,” he whispered. “The first woman I’ve been with since…”
Her stomach twisted. Somehow, his admission only made it worse. The man made her long for things she shouldn’t, like curling up against his body as they slept. She missed having someone beside her at night, falling asleep warm and safe. That Alex wasn’t there after what they’d shared felt wrong. The emotion stuck in her chest, left her caught in the middle of things she knew better than to want.
“I’d never hurt you, Ang. You know that, don’t you?”
She wanted to deny it, to tell him she didn't, in fact, know that, except the words refused to leave her mouth. She couldn’t lie to him. It wasn’t in her to hurt him just because she was scared.
“Yes,” she whispered. He wouldn’t, she knew that. At least not intentionally. That was what made Alex so dangerous. She wrapped her free arm around herself. “I have to go.”
“All right.” He hesitated, as if he had more he wanted to say, then released a heavy breath. “Good night, Angela.”
The quiet tenderness in his voice had her closing eyes. She could almost hear him whispering to her in the dark as she drifted to sleep in his arms…
“’Night.” She punched the END button, set her cell phone down beside her, and released a pent up breath. She was in trouble. She was in very big trouble.
Chapter Nine
Alex sank onto the porch step with a sigh. It was a quarter after one in the morning. The high heat that had ruled the day when he’d stepped off the plane this evening had melded into cool night. Except for the soft breeze blowing through the trees, the neighborhood around him was still and quiet, so different from the constant hum of Manhattan traffic that he found it vaguely unsettling. Only the chirping of the night bugs filled the air.
He had no idea what the hell he was doing here. He’d flown out on to Vegas on a whim, a need—to see Angela. Three days had passed since he’d last spoken to her. Three long days for him to mull over the conversation and wonder if he ought to regret it, because he couldn’t stop hearing the panic in her voice. The abrupt way she’d ended the phone call.
He hadn’t intended for the conversation to go quite that far, but the fact that it had only left him hungrier than he’d already been. For her. She soothed the ever present ache in his chest. When he was with her, when he talked to her, hell, sometimes when he simply thought about her, the pain became bearable.
Being with her reminded him he’d been living in a shell. Hollow and empty.
Oh, he was doing okay in the grand scheme of things. He went on about his life. Got up every morning. Had breakfast. Went to work. His life moved along as i
t should, simple and uncomplicated.
But neither did it have any joy. The sun didn’t shine for him. It hadn’t for a long time. Life for Alex had become a testament to shades of gray. Angela…was like watching the sun rise for the first time. She made him want. Want more than this bleak existence. She’d brought life back into his world. He wasn’t sure he was ready to dive into a relationship with both eyes closed. Wasn’t sure he should even be here. Angela deserved a future he didn’t know if he could give. She deserved someone who could love her in return. What if he wasn’t that man?
All he did know was that he needed to see her like he needed to draw his next breath. He could think of a million reasons why he shouldn’t be here, but none of them seemed to matter.
Except Angela was avoiding him. She had yet to return his calls. Not hearing from her drove him crazy. While a part of him knew he ought to give her time, a larger part needed to know.
So here he was. Sitting on her front step at one in the morning, because he couldn’t sleep until he spoke to her. The question was, would she be happy to see him?
****
Angela froze at the end of the walkway as she spotted the figure on the front porch. With the light against his back, the darkness of the night hid his face in shadows, but she’d know that figure anywhere. She’d spent an entire night familiarizing herself with every inch of him. She was fairly certain she could recognize him with her eyes closed.
Alex. He sat on the top step of the front porch, elbows braced on his knees, like he’d been there a while.
Her stomach tumbled, a mix of happy butterflies and nerves. God, did he know how often she’d thought about him? How she yearned to see him, to look into those eyes and see the passion, all for her? How it tormented her to know she couldn’t deny how she felt about him?
Steeling herself for the contact, she closed the distance between them. He rose to his feet and met her at the bottom of the stairs. For a long moment, neither said anything. She couldn’t see his eyes in the dark, but his gaze called to her like a song. The memory of the last time they’d spoken, the intimacy they’d shared, hung in the air between them.
