by Stewart, JM
Angela took another step into the kitchen, her subtle, floral scent filling the room, swirling around his head. Alex found the words tumbling from his mouth anyway. He needed her to hear them, to lay his wound at her feet and pray she’d accept him.
“The driver that struck them hit the car on the passenger side at a hundred miles an hour. His blood alcohol was four times the legal limit.” He couldn’t stop watching her face as he spoke, waiting for a reaction he wasn’t sure he wanted to see, yet taking strength in her presence. Half afraid if he took his gaze off hers, the pain would eat him alive. “Hailey had been spared. She was killed instantly. Karen lived for about three months in a coma, until one day her body just gave out. The day she died…happened to be my last birthday. I won’t be celebrating this year. Probably not next year either. It just feels wrong.”
As those exact memories flooded his mind, the pain washed over him. Alex lowered his gaze to the floor. All those nights of sitting in the hospital by Karen’s bedside, hoping beyond hope she’d wake up.
The pain of leaving every morning before dawn, knowing another night had passed and she hadn’t.
He couldn’t bring himself to share this particular wound with Angela. It didn’t seem fair, to set that on her.
She closed the distance between them, her sandaled feet with her pink painted toenails arriving in his line of sight. She stood there, silent, for a moment. The pull of her gaze called to him, too strong to deny. When he finally looked up, the understanding in her eyes, the echo of pain, knocked the breath from his lungs.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered. She hesitated, then stepped forward and slipped her arms around his waist, pressing her soft body against his, and laid her head on his shoulder.
Everything inside of him sighed with relief. He hadn’t realized how very much he’d needed to hold her, to be held, until her forehead pressed into the curve of his neck. His arms closed around her and tightened of their own accord. For a moment, Alex allowed himself to accept the comfort she offered.
How long they stood that way he had no idea. Time ceased to exist, to matter. All that did was her warmth, her scent, the strength of her hold on his waist. For that extended moment in time, he lost himself in the woman.
Eventually she pulled back to peer at him. Alex forced himself to release her enough to meet her gaze.
“You shouldn’t spend that weekend alone, Alex.” She laid a hand against chest. “You should fly out. Spend time out here, with us. I know your mother wouldn’t want you to spend it alone either.”
His heart twisted. She had no idea how tempting that was. It was one thing for Brock and Mel to offer. He’d expected it. The day Karen had died, they’d offered to come and stay with him. He couldn’t take them up on it then, and he couldn’t take them up on it now either. They meant well, but it would make him feel too much like the depressing third wheel that he was.
Angela, however….
The thought of losing himself in her instead of the damned memories was almost too good to refuse.
But he couldn’t do that.
He reached up, unable to resist touching her, and stroked his fingers over her chin. “You have no idea how tempting that is. I need you in a way that scares the hell out of me. But my head’s not going to be in a good place. To be honest, I don’t think that’s fair to you. You deserve better than someone who’s thinking of someone else, Ang.”
She deserved his undivided attention. He wouldn’t be able to give that to her.
“I don’t expect you to forget her, Alex. Or not talk about her. She was your wife. I’d find it more disturbing if you didn’t miss her.” Her voice softened. “Come back for your birthday. You don’t have to be alone in this.”
Alex shook his head. “I appreciate the gesture, Ang. More than I can tell you. But I need to do this one on my own. I can’t lay this on you. It wouldn’t feel right.” He took her hands in his, kissed the palms one by one, then gently extricated himself from her embrace.
Turning to the counter, he picked up the two beer bottles then made his way back outside with everyone else. It was better this way. He needed time to get his head on straight. They were having babies, yes, and he would be everything they needed him to be. He’d loved being a father. He also couldn’t deny he wanted Angela. But could he give her the love he knew she deserved? Was he ready to give her his heart? Karen would want him to move on, he knew that. She wouldn’t want him putting his life on hold forever. He’d said vows once, though, and meant them. Something deep inside kept insisting he wasn’t dead yet. This looming anniversary forced him to face the fact that despite knowing all of this, the thought of wanting to marry again still had him consumed with guilt.
No, as much as he wanted to be with her, he refused to subject Angela to that.
****
Several hours later, Angela stood in the back door, watching the scene outside. Having helped Brock clean up the kitchen, she’d been headed out onto the back deck when the commotion in the yard caught her attention. Alex was down in the grass with the three kids. It had been an all out water war since dinner ended an hour ago. All three kids were soaked to the skin, their clothing and hair plastered to their bodies. The two oldest, Katie and Braden, had ganged up on the youngest, four-year-old Seth, soaking him relentlessly with huge, brightly colored plastic guns. Judging by the look of Alex’s dry clothing, he hadn’t been there long.
As she watched, Alex knelt down behind Seth. Arms around him, he helped the small boy aim a water gun almost as big as he was and return fire. Braden and Katie squealed and ran, both giggling, behind the tall oak tree several feet away.
Just as Seth and Alex gave each other triumphant high fives, Brock came to stand beside her in the doorway.
“He’s good with them,” she said, without looking at her brother.
“He’s a good father.”
The hint in her brother’s voice was all too obvious. Angela wondered what Alex had told him.
She darted a glance at Brock, her stomach flipping, unsure quite how her brother would take the news. “He asked me to marry him.”
Brock didn’t so much as flinch.
“I’m not surprised. Alex is a straight up kind of guy.” She felt rather than saw Brock turn his attention to her. “What’d you say?”
“No.” She bit her lip. The decision had weighed heavily on her. She knew Alex’s proposal had come from a good place, an honest place. She had to admit, if only to herself, maybe he’d been right. They were good together.
But did she want to get married again? Take that risk all over again, knowing it could end the exact same way? Knowing he might never love her?
Except watching him now, playing with the kids, she saw a side of Alex she hadn’t expected. He was good with them. More to the point, watching him told her he’d be a good father to their babies as well.
She lowered her gaze, rubbed a hand over the soft swell of her stomach, guilt settling like an ache in her chest. Had she made the right decision? By holding out for love was she being selfish? Shouldn’t she be thinking of them and not herself? Being married to Alex wouldn’t exactly be a hardship.
She lifted her gaze, turned back to the scene unfolding out in the yard. It was three against one now; the kids had all turned on Alex. He stood with his back to the tree, wielding two small water guns, one in each hand, his face lit up with joy.
So different from the man who’d stood in the kitchen two hours ago. As she watched him, her mind replayed the look on his face. Her heart ached all over again.
“He shouldn’t spend his birthday alone, Brock.” She glanced sideways at her brother. “We have to do something for him.”
Brock heaved a sigh and folded his arms across his chest. “I tried. I invited him out. Mel told him exactly the same thing. I’m pretty sure even his mother prodded him. But he refused us the same way he did you. The man just wants to be alone. Short of kidnapping him, I’m not sure there’s much we can do.”
; As her brother pushed from the doorway and loped across the backyard toward Alex and the kids, the beginnings of an idea stirred in Angela’s mind. She bit her lower lip. It was a simple idea, but could she pull it off? Should she?
****
Several hours later, Angela sat in her room, staring at the glowing face of her computer screen. The house around her was silent, her mother having gone to bed an hour before. Only the light from the desk lamp filled the small space. She sucked her bottom lip into her mouth and bit down, her stomach twisting with confliction. Her right hand hovered over the mouse, her index finger twitching over the button. All she had to do was hit confirm to seal the deal.
Was it the right thing to do?
She jerked her hand back, shoved away from the computer, and surged to her feet as the implications of what she was about to do hit her full force. Nerves twisted in her stomach and wound through her body as she paced to the window that looked out over the front porch. The night beyond was black, a stark contrast to the white gauzy curtains covering the window.
She hadn’t meant for it to go this far. She’d only meant to check things out, to ponder the possibility. Then she’d found herself checking her work schedule and looking up flights to New York. She had vacation time due.
She hadn’t been able to stop thinking about Alex all day, couldn’t stop seeing the haunted shadow in his eyes as he stood in Mel’s kitchen. The dejection he’d tried to hide behind an impassive façade. It had hovered over him all night. Every single time she remembered it, the familiar ache settled in her chest.
Clamping her teeth down on her bottom lip, she moved back to her computer and sank into the chair, stared at the screen. Was she ready to do this? Ready to take that first, uncertain step into the future?
That’s what this was about. By going to him, she was moving beyond admitting she wanted to be with him to actually taking action to make it happen. To spend time with him beyond their connection to their children.
She’d be jumping off the cliff into an unknown future with a man who’d given her everything but his heart.
That cynical side of her told her she was a fool. Told her she’d be settling for less than what she wanted, less than what she deserved. Shouldn’t she want to hold out for all of him?
She closed her eyes, listening to the silence of the house echoing around her. An image popped into her mind. She saw him as he’d been, standing in the parking lot of her obstetrician’s office, heard again his heart felt plea.
This is all I’ve got. Just me. Kind of broken, a little uncertain and probably doing everything wrong, but what I’ve got…is all yours.
Butterflies twisted and tumbled in her stomach. Tears burned behind her eyelids. She opened her eyes, blinking away the wetness, and sighed. Okay, so she had to admit it. Those words and that reaction was a large part of why she’d sat down at this computer when she’d gotten home from the birthday party, why she was so tempted to go to him.
Why she was so tempted to follow her heart, even if she had no idea where it would lead her—because not one man in her life had ever done that for her before, had ever laid himself out there for her that way.
Not even David when he’d asked her to marry him.
Mind made up, she tapped her finger on the mouse button before she lost the nerve. Then she paced away. God she hoped she was doing the right thing.
She turned back in time to watch the screen change. A moment later, the confirmation popped into her email inbox. The deal was done. If Alex wouldn’t come to them, she’d go to him.
Chapter Twelve
“Hello, Angela.”
Seated on the bed in her hotel room, Angela’s heart stuttered at the sound of Alex’s voice over the phone line. She squeezed her eyes shut. From the moment the plane had landed in New York’s La Guardia airport an hour and a half ago, her stomach had twisted into a nervous knot. Had she made the right choice? She was not this impulsive person. She simply did not do these sorts of things.
Yet here she was. The sound of Alex’s voice now only sent her heart tripping off on another marathon run. It wasn’t the way he always knew it was her before she’d even said hello that made her ache. No, it was the way he said her name, low and husky, with a slight catch that made it sound like he was actually glad to hear from her.
Which made her wonder if he was.
Which then made her wonder if he’d still be happy when she showed up on his doorstep this evening.
She opened her eyes and focused on the reason she was here in the first place. This wasn’t about her. Drawing up the plan she’d made when she’d left the house that morning, she set her mind and plunged onward.
“Hello, Alex,” she said, summoning her most cheerful, how’s the weather voice. “Can I ask you an unusual question?”
She glanced at the digital clock on the nightstand beside her; it was five minutes past six p.m. She’d taken a chance coming out. Wanting to catch Alex by surprise, she’d planned her trip according to his work schedule. The idea being that she’d arrive after he came home for the night so she’d know he’d be there when she showed up.
In reality, the whole trip had been a crap shoot. Brock had warned her Alex could be a workaholic and would often work late into the evenings. She was lucky he was even there this time of night.
“You can ask me anything, sweetheart.” The term of endearment had the butterflies in her stomach in an uproar again.
“Where are you?” She crossed her mental fingers, prayed he couldn’t hear the way her voice trembled.
“At home, why?” he asked, his tone suspicious.
She swallowed past the lump in her throat. Well, she’d come all the way out here….
“Good. Stay there.” Then she hung up on him.
Ten minutes later, the cab driver dropped her off in front of a gray, concrete building, the tip top rising into the clouds. She stood on the sidewalk for a moment, staring up the length of the enormous building, her stomach tripping over itself. Then she pulled the door open and stepped inside.
Her nerves got the better of her as she rode the elevator up to the second floor. A sense of jittery edginess with a mixture of arousal and excitement all coursed through her. Left her fidgeting like a small child as she punched the bell and waited the aching seconds for him to answer the door.
A shadow crossed the peephole, then the deadbolts slid open. Once again she wondered—what on earth was she doing? The man was taking her to places she’d never been before. Six months ago, she would have sworn she’d never do something as crazy as this, but here she stood, on his doorstep with her heart in her hands.
She clasped her shaking hands together. What if he didn’t want to see her?
The door opened a moment later to reveal Alex. Surprise lit in his eyes, as if he couldn’t believe she stood in front of him. “Angela.”
She couldn’t stop herself from soaking in the sight of him. He wore black slacks and a white button down shirt, open two buttons at the top. A dark blue tie hung around his neck. He obviously hadn’t been home for long. The sight, the hint at his life, settled deep in her core. Seeing him dressed this way made her long to know more about him, to see more of his world.
It made her yearn, in a way she found suddenly terrifying, to be a small part of it.
He drew his brows together and shook his head. “What on earth are you doing here?”
She mustered Candy’s confidence, flashing him a—albeit half terrified—grin as she held her arms out from her sides. “Surprise!”
An answering smile spread across his mouth, amusement lighting his eyes. A breath later, his features went carefully impassive. He slid his hands into his pockets, leaned a shoulder against the doorframe. “Brock warned me you had something up your sleeve. Didn’t figure you’d actually show up on my doorstep, though.”
She dropped her arms to her sides and rolled her eyes, her shoulders slumping. She’d have to remember to kill her brother. “I should have known Brock cou
ldn’t keep his mouth shut. That’s twice now he’s ruined it for me.”
His gaze shifted then, flicked over her, taking in her the very same way she’d taken in him. Her pulse kicked up a notch. Every inch of her tingled with awareness.
“Why are you here, Ang?” he asked, meeting her gaze again.
She took a tentative step toward him and laid a hand against his chest. “Nobody should spend their birthday alone, Alex.”
Everything else between them aside, she couldn’t let him spend the day alone. She just couldn’t.
He stiffened at that and straightened, shook his head and dropped his gaze to the floor. After a moment, he lifted his head again. The look on his face took her breath away. Pain shadowed his eyes, his brows drawing together in cross between torment and confusion. Like maybe he’d given up any pretense of a happy façade and was, for the moment, simply laying himself bare before her.
“I’m not good company, Ang.”
She shook her head. “I don’t expect you to be. I just expect you to be you. Brock says you don’t cook. Let me make you dinner.” She straightened her shoulders and flashed him a flirtatious smile worthy of Candy, hoping somehow it would lighten his load. “Then you can show me around the city.”
She was being overly flirty, not like herself at all, but it had the desired effect. The unbearable emotion in his eyes lightened, a tiny spark illuminating the depths.
“It’s my birthday,” he said, cocking an amused brow, “but I get to show you around?”
Triumph surged through her. She winked at him. “You got it, babe.”
His grin finally broke across his face. He looked down at the floor and shook his head. “You are something else,” he murmured. Just as suddenly as he’d look down, he looked up again and stepped back, pulling the door open wider. “Come on in.”
****
Mixed emotions wound Alex’s stomach in a knot as Angela slid past him through the doorway. She wandered down the long hallway into the living room, her head moving from side to side as she took in her surroundings. Alex followed slowly behind, soaking in the sight of her. She looked…incredible. She wore a simple pair of khaki shorts, and a gauzy lavender tank top that covered the gentle swell of her stomach. The material was soft, flowing, and feminine. She’d pulled her hair off her neck into a ponytail, no doubt due to the high humidity the East coast was famous for. He longed to pull out the band just to watch the silky strands flow around her shoulders.
