by Stewart, JM
****
As the door closed behind Angela, Alex let out a curse, picked up the nearest object off the table beside him and hurled it across the room with all the rage that stormed through his system. The stereo remote shattered against the wall over the couch with a satisfying crunch. The pieces tinkled to the ground. Her words rang in his head, cutting through him, slicing deep into his core.
She loved him. Despite everything, she loved him.
Some part of him rebelled against the thought of never holding her again. Her leaving felt like he was watching a piece of himself walk out the door. Everything inside of him screamed at him to go after her, to drop to his knees at her feet and beg for her forgiveness.
But he couldn’t.
She wanted something he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to give her. She was right, he didn’t know if he’d ever be able to say the words she needed to hear, and that wasn’t fair to her. Asking her to marry him had been a mistake, he could see that now. A selfish one at that. He’d been stupid to ever expect her to settle for less.
He moved to the couch and sank down onto it, dropped his head into his hands. The decision weighed on him like a wet blanket, heavy and oppressive.
He would be the father their babies needed, because he desperately wanted to be, but Angela deserved so much better than what he could give her.
So much better than him.
It was time he let her go so she could find someone who could actually give it to her.
Chapter Fifteen
Angela set the last clean cup into the dish drainer on the counter and heaved a sigh. Her brother ought to be here any moment now. He’d called ten minutes ago from his car to tell her he was on his way over. Mom had called him that morning; the dishwasher had quit working, and he was coming to fix it. Angela didn’t look forward to seeing him. It wasn’t fair to him, but every time she saw or spoke to her brother, the yearning to ask about Alex gripped her chest.
More than two weeks had passed with no word from Alex. Sixteen long, aching days. Oh, she knew she’d asked for this. She’d told him specifically not to call. But every time her phone rang, she’d found herself hoping anyway. That it was him, that he’d called to beg for her forgiveness. Anything that would tell her she’d been wrong.
But he hadn’t. Every time her cell rang the disappointment and pain she’d sworn to herself ten months ago—the day her divorce from David had become final—she would never feel again gripped her chest in a vise. She was left trying, for the second time in her life, to pick up the pieces of her shattered heart.
As she lifted the dishtowel off the counter, the doorbell sounded through the house. Positive she’d left the door open when she’d come home from the office an hour ago, she called out, “It’s open.”
Then she picked up the cup she’d just washed, steeling herself for the contact with her brother. Halfway through drying the dish, the buzzer came again. Obviously she’d locked the door. Her head had been in the clouds lately.
Setting the dish and towel onto the counter with a sigh, she turned and headed for the front entrance.
“What’d you do”—she asked, turning the deadbolt—“forget your…”
The rest of her words died on her lips as she pulled the door open. She barely had time to register Alex’s tall form on the front porch before he stepped across the threshold, took her face in his hands, and claimed her mouth.
HHe kissed her thoroughly, his lips plied hers, tender yet insistent. She braced her hands against his chest, but any thought of pushing him away fled as his mouth shifted, slanted across hers, hungry and possessive. His tongue swept in to slide against hers.
The powerful press of his body, his warmth against her, was too much to bear. His scent encompassed her, torturous and enticing. This was exactly where she wanted to be, where she’d dreamt of being every night these last weeks. A soft, relenting moan escaped her. Her traitorous body leaned into him.
When he finally released her, her hands clutched fistfuls of the blue polo shirt he wore. Her breath came in harsh, shallow pants. His heartbeat hammered in time with hers, twisting at the pain that gripped her chest.
He stroked her hair back from her face. Tormented eyes moved over her features before settling on hers. “I can’t do it, Ang.”
She furrowed her brow in confusion. “Do what?”
“Live without you.”
Pain squeezed her chest, tears filling her eyes. His sweet words weren’t the ones she needed to hear. She shook her head, his face blurring before her. “Please don’t do this, Alex. It’s not fair.”
But he continued anyway, seeming to ignore her plea.
“I tried, you know. To let you go. The first week, I thought for sure I was doing the right thing.” His gaze lowered, moving along with his fingers as they slid over her neck, across the tops of her shoulders, then back up before sinking into her hair, as if he simply couldn’t resist touching her. “Then the weekend came. I kept seeing the two of us in the living room, sitting together in the dark, watching old movies, lying with my head in your lap, feeling your fingers idly running through my hair. God, Ang, that’s bliss.”
She drew her brows together, shook her head. “Alex…”
He looked up then, put a finger to her lips. “Please. I need to get this out. It’s been eating at me for days.”
Once again, he didn’t wait for her acknowledgement, but simply continued anyway. “You filled my house with life, Ang. Life it hasn’t had in fifteen long damn months. But after you left, it went back to being empty. Empty and cold. There’s no life there anymore. No laughter. Just…the hollow sound of my own feet on the floor.” He shook his head, misery rising in his eyes. “Life has no meaning without you. No joy. I don’t want to go back to living like that.”
When he finished, his gaze searched hers. Obviously, he waited for her response, but his sweet words only further crushed her. The hardest thing she’d ever done was walk away from him. Didn’t he understand that?
“I’m sorry. I know it’s selfish.” She pushed against his chest, extricated herself from his embrace, from the power of his touch. “But I want all of you, Alex. Not bits and parts.”
She took a step back, needed to put some sort of distance between them or she’d cave. The tears she couldn’t hold back dripped down her cheeks, likely taking her makeup with it, but she couldn’t bring herself to care. In front of her stood the one man capable of bringing her the greatest joy…and the greatest pain.
She hoped he wouldn’t push, that somehow he understood, prayed he’d let her go, but Alex did the exact opposite. He stepped with her, so close his belly touched hers. His scent invaded her nostrils, spicy and masculine and all Alex, tormenting her as he threaded his fingers through hers.
“You’ve got all of me, Ang,” he whispered. “You always have. The only person who didn’t know it was me.”
Completely at his mercy now, her voice trembled as she pleaded with him one last time. “Please, Alex.”
Once again, he didn’t seem to be listening. He lifted his hands, skimming them over her skin, sliding them up her neck and into the hair at the back of her head. He pressed his nose to hers. “I love you.”
Stunned to her toes, Angela could only stare at him. Did she dare believe her ears? Was he toying with her?
One corner of his mouth quirked up. “Yeah, that’s about how I felt when I finally figured it out. For months after Karen died, I’d wake up in the morning hoping I’d roll over and find her in bed beside me. That I’d wake up to discover it had all been some horrible dream. I didn’t think I’d ever get over that. Then you walked into my life. Every morning since you left, I’ve rolled over searching the bed for you. Every morning my chest aches when you’re not there.”
He released a pent up breath, his gaze following as his thumb dragged across her lower lip, before it shifted back to hers. His voice lowered to a harsh whisper, vibrated with unchecked emotion. “You brought life back into my world, Ang.
Back into me. I’m not sure I know how to go back to living without you. Four days ago I decided I didn’t want to.”
He paused then, his speech apparently finished, and watched her with careful, worried eyes. Angela didn’t know what to say. Her heart filled with emotion, with love, awe, and overwhelming need. A lump formed in her throat and stuck there, tears welling up and overflowing before she could stop them. She’d dreamt of this moment every day for the last two weeks, but never once did she allow herself to think it would happen.
When she didn’t say anything, he drew his brows together in a tortured frown and stroked a hand down her cheek. “Baby you’re killing me. Please say something.”
Her lower lip quivered. All she could manage to choke out was, “Say it again.”
A smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. “I love you.”
Overwhelmed by the emotion flooding her system, she threw her arms around his neck and hugged him so tightly that she was sure she had to be cutting off his circulation. Her senses filled with everything she’d been sure only yesterday she’d have to learn to live without—the clean scent of his skin, the subtle spicy aroma of his aftershave, the warmth of his body against hers.
The safety of his strong embrace.
She could do nothing more than cling to him, grateful for the feel of him in her arms again.
Alex seemed to suffer from the same affliction, for he let out a relieved groan. His arms tightened around her. “God it feels so good to hold you.”
It didn’t escape her notice, either, that she wasn’t the only one trembling. “You’re shaking,” she murmured at his throat.
He pulled back. If she didn’t know better, she’d almost say he looked worried. “I wasn’t sure you’d forgive me.”
She stroked a hand down his stubbled cheek. “I have to admit I didn’t think I’d ever hear you say that to me.”
He gave a slow, sad shake of his head. “I didn’t think I’d ever say it again. Didn’t think I’d ever feel it. When Karen died, I knew I’d eventually move on with my life, but I was positive I’d had my forever. That I wouldn’t be getting another chance. I sure as hell didn’t think I’d ever fall in love again. Then you walked out of my life, and I realized how wrong that felt. I realized you were my second chance at forever, and how stupid I’d be if I just let you go.”
She pressed herself into him, her breath hitching when his arms tightened around her. “I missed you,” she whispered.
He didn’t answer, but brushed his mouth over hers, this kiss slower, softer, so full of tender need Angela melted into him. His hands slid over her, up her back, down her sides, over the slope of her behind, leaving a trail of shivery fire everywhere his warm palms skimmed her curves. His mouth, however, refused to be rushed. He took his time, sipping and tasting, as if savoring the moment. Angela had no desire to hurry him.
How long they stood on her mother’s porch making up for too much lost time, she didn’t know or care, but somewhere in the distance a car door slammed.
When booted feet marched across the weathered porch, she pulled her mouth from Alex’s to find Brock behind him.
Arms folded across his chest, her brother cocked a blond brow at her.
Heat flooded up her neck into her face. It had to have been at least fifteen years since her brother had last caught her making out on the porch.
Brock seemed to take it in stride, for a grin split across his face. He looked like the cat who had happily and greedily eaten the canary. “’Bout time the two of you finally made up. I wasn’t sure who was more miserable, you or him.”
Alex dropped an arm, keeping one around Angela’s back and her body tucked against his side as he turned to Brock. He jerked his head in her direction. “You have any objections to me marrying your sister?”
Brock shook his head. “Not a one. You should ask her first, though.”
Then he pushed past them into the house.
“You should take that inside too,” Brock called out as he made his way into the kitchen. “You’re giving the neighbors a show. Mrs. Sampson across the street doesn’t look very happy about it.”
Remembering the last time she and Alex had gotten intimate on this porch, Angela’s cheeks heated.
Alex turned back to her. “I put the condo up for sale as of yesterday morning. I gave the D.A. a month, though. I need to distribute my cases among the other attorneys, make sure the files are all complete and everybody’s up to date. I don’t want to burn any bridges, but…” He shoved a hand into his right pocket and pulled out a set of keys, held them up to show her. “In about a month, I’m all yours.”
Angela stared at the keys in disbelief. “What are those?”
“I bought a house. It’s a couple of miles from here. Big house, nice fenced-in back yard.”
She couldn’t stop her brows from rising. “You bought a house?”
His smile widened. “I probably should have consulted you, but yeah. I bought a house. Mom took a look at it for me. It’s what took me four days to come back. I wanted to have things settled before I came to see you.”
She laid a hand against his chest. “Won’t you miss New York?”
“Honestly? Yeah. But there’s nothing there for me anymore. Everything I need is here. I want to go to sleep every night wrapped around your body and wake up to these beautiful eyes every morning.”
The thought settled in her bones, warm, cozy and just plain…right.
Tears once again pricked behind her eyelids, her love for this man expanding in her chest. She didn’t think she’d ever feel this way again either, didn’t think she’d ever want to, or that he could ever love her, yet here he stood.
She was his, and he was hers. It was as simple and uncomplicated as that. Everything else, the whys, hows, and whens, didn’t seem to matter much anymore.
She touched his cheek. “You thought this all out, didn’t you?”
“I wanted you to know I was serious when I came out here. Look, we can take this as slow as you want, honey, but I have to be honest. I’m an old-fashioned kind of guy.” He slid a hand over her stomach, warm and protective. “I’d like to be married before these guys are born.”
It sounded like heaven to her. She opened her mouth, to tell him so, but Alex continued before she had the chance.
“I’ll wait if I have to, but you should also know I’m fully prepared to spend the rest of my life convincing you to marry me.” He closed his arms tightly around her, pulling her flush against him, so close his breath mingled with hers.
Every inch of him pressed lightly into every inch of her, from the firmness of his chest down to the thick swell of his arousal against her belly.
“I’m a damn good attorney.” The cocky, self-assured man she’d met that first night at the club rose in his dark eyes as he rocked his hips against hers. “I can be very persuasive when I want to be.”
Apparently he wasn’t above playing dirty.
Angela wound her arms around his neck and met his challenge head on. “Do I look like I’m saying no?”
Alex’s mouth curled into a grin, his eyes lighting up as he leaned in and nipped at her bottom lip, the playful moment melting into something softer, needier.
“I don’t want to live without you either,” she whispered. “I love you, Alex.”
He leaned his forehead against hers. “I love you too.”
A word about the author...
J.M. writes what she likes to call sweet and spicy contemporary romance. She's a stay-at-home mom by trade, married to her very own hero. They live in the Great Northwest with their two boys and two very spoiled puppies. J.M. has been devouring romances for as long as she can remember. Writing them has become her passion.
To learn more about J.M., visit her on her website: http://jmstewart.webs.com/
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