I just had to figure out the best way to tell him.
But I never got to tell him.
I closed my eyes as tears threatened to form. I’d been so excited to tell him only to be dumped. I’d been so naive back then, hanging onto his every word like the pathetic, love-craving teen I was. I was so desperate to feel love from someone that I missed all the signs that should’ve told me he wasn’t that into me. At the end of the day, he’d want the truth. He’d punished me again yesterday because I hadn’t told him what he’d wanted to know, which was my secret. I needed to be able to explain myself, but it was hard to do that when I hardly had a voice.
Slowly sitting up, I looked around the room. The lock clicked on the door and I froze. Luther stepped back into the room and gave me a weird look before he moved over to the closet to grab a bag. When he glanced my way again, I made a writing gesture with my hands to ask him for something to write with. He raised an eyebrow at me and frowned.
“Is there something you want to say?” he asked.
“Pen and paper,” I croaked, my throat hurting.
“Hmph,” he grunted. He went back to the closet and reached onto the top shelf, pulling out a notepad before grabbing a pen from the top of the nearby dresser. “I hope you’re planning to write a confession.”
I didn’t say anything as he grabbed the bag and walked back out of the room, locking the door behind him again. I looked down at the blank paper. There was so much that I wanted to say that I wasn’t even sure where to start. A part of me wanted to remind him what we used to be, but that no longer mattered to him anymore. That showed in his actions, the way he treated me and my friends, the way he got off on the fact that he’d destroyed me. But I had to include it. He had to know how he hurt me, how his role in this entire thing made his hands just as dirty as mine and my friends. He walked around as if he was some kind of avenger that was doing the right thing for his sister, but he was just as guilty as I was.
He needed to understand that he wasn’t as innocent as he thought he was.
I scribbled my thoughts onto the notepad, pouring out everything I’d kept sacred to me. Everything that Logan took to her grave. It was hard not to feel warm all over as I wrote about the memories I had of the old him. When he was kind. Considerate. Caring. I wondered if the man I remembered was tucked away underneath all the rage he now displayed. I wondered if he was lost forever, or if he’d come back after he’d tied up all the loose ends still walking around after his sisters death. I couldn’t be sure considering the man he was today, and considering his plans for me, I doubt I’d ever find out.
My hand mindlessly followed my mind, writing down everything I could think of before pausing as I prepared to finally reveal my secret to him. He probably won’t even believe me after all these years, I thought to myself. There was a high chance that he’d think I was lying just to try to save my life. One weakness that Luther had were children. He’d once said that because he used to do bad things to kids when he was a kid, he felt like he’d been burdened with caring too much for them as he grew up. Before I knew I was pregnant, I’d asked him if he’d wanted kids and the way his face lit up at the question, it nearly made my heart explode. A soft smile touched my lips as I thought of the conversation.
“So, since you like kids, does that mean you’ll want some of your own?” I’d asked him as I laid my head in his lap. We were stretched out across my couch, my parents gone for the week until who-knew-when. He grinned down at me.
“Hell yeah. Could you imagine the army of hellions I could create? I’d groom my kids to raise pure hell everywhere they went,” he said and chuckled. I sat up and slid closer to him, smirking.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” I said. “I wouldn’t allow my kids to act that way.”
“Are you saying you’re having kids with me or something?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.
I rolled my eyes. He always acted weird if I said anything that meant there’d be a future between us. After being with him for about a month, I was tired of sneaking around. I wasn’t one that liked to be hidden when I was exclusive to someone, and Luther had been seeming a bit off lately.
“I’m just saying in general, Luther. I wouldn’t allow any kids I have to act that way.”
“I don’t think you have a choice,” he said with a smirk.
Now I raised my eyebrow. “And why the hell not?”
“Because if I said that my kids would, that means yours would, too. Have you already forgotten?” He pulled me onto his lap and slid his hands between my legs, cupping my covered pussy. “This is mine and only my babies will come from here.”
“You’re awfully possessive for someone who doesn’t want to be exclusive,” I reminded him.
“Exclusive or not, it doesn’t dictate whether or not you’re mine. I’m sure you’re very aware of who you belong to,” he murmured and distracted me with a kiss.
I almost wanted to laugh. I wished that my only problems right now were whether or not we were exclusive instead of waiting in agony to see how he’d eventually end my life. Tears splashed onto the paper as I continued writing. I’d tried blocking all of this from my mind the moment Luther broke up with me, cursing his name every chance I got as my anger built. I thought he was just like the others, using me for free trips or just a warm body to sleep with whenever they felt like it and never when I needed them. I’d made so many mistakes back then and took my anger out on the wrong people. In the end, none of it matter. It didn’t change the emptiness I felt. It didn’t make me feel better. All it did was give me a load of guilt that I couldn’t resolve and a death sentence from someone who wanted rightful justice for his sister.
Life was funny sometimes. I’d spent multiple times trying to take my own life over the past seven years, thinking the depression was too much. The anxiety and paranoia was crippling. It wasn’t until you knew were you going to die before you realized how much you wanted to live. While I knew what I was doing to Logan was wrong, I didn’t think of the consequences of it until I’d gotten my last picture from her. It was the last message she’d ever sent, a picture of her slit wrists in a bathtub full of bloody water. I hope you’re happy now.
That was the last thing she’d said to anyone. That image and message stayed with me for years. Even though I immediately called her parents when I got it, it wasn’t enough to save her. I always told myself that I would’ve gotten over it a little better had I not seen the picture, but maybe that was my punishment for helping to destroy the most innocent girl I’d ever known. I continued writing the letter until it was complete, looking over it with a sigh. I wasn’t sure what this letter would do. I didn’t know if it would make him angry, whether or not he’d care about my personal, raw feelings I included, or if he’d just use it as another reason to hurt me somehow. I’d prepare myself for whatever happened. I wouldn’t beg him not to kill me; it wasn’t like he was doing something I didn’t already deserve. Now that I’d gotten out everything I’d wanted to say, I could at least die knowing that my truth was told.
I folded the letter and placed it on top of the pad at the foot of the bed. I’d just gotten comfortable when the lock clicked in the door. My heart pounded in my chest as I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to appear as if I were sleeping. Even though I’d made the leap and written the letter, I couldn’t bear to watch him read it. The suspense killed me as I heard him moving around the bedroom. The silence deafening when he finally stopped moving, the sound of manipulating paper making my heart beat so fast that I swore he’d be able to hear it.
I listened hard as a chair in the corner adjacent from me creaked under his weight. Oh my god, he’s reading it, I thought.
“I’m sure you know that I know you aren’t asleep,” his voice suddenly said, startling me. I still didn’t move, just in case he was testing me. “Get up, Sevyn.”
The warning in his tone didn’t go unnoticed and I definitely didn’t want to agitate him again. I forced myself to sit up, resting against th
e railing of the headboard. I couldn’t bring myself to watch him, but he did have the letter opened in his lap.
“And drink that,” he added. I looked up at him to see him pointing at the nightstand next to me. A steaming mug sat there with what I assumed to be tea. I wasted no time retrieving the mug, glad to have something to occupy me while I waited for him to finish. The room was silent aside from my occasional blowing of my drink before taking a sip. My heart wanted to flutter that he’d been thoughtful enough to get me something to soothe my throat, but the logical part of my mind reminded me that he probably only wanted to heal me before destroying me all over again. He seemed to be spurred on by my screams; what good was I if I couldn’t scream the way he wanted me to?
“Bull-fucking-shit,” he suddenly said, glaring at me.
I swallowed the tea in my mouth as my heart sped up. I watched him shake his head, staring at one sheet of paper with a mixture of emotions on his face. I braced myself for his anger, his rage, whatever negative emotion that my truth had created. I put the mug back on the nightstand with trembling hands. The last thing I wanted was scalding hot liquid to spill on me if he decided to attack me.
“Your secret was that you were pregnant?” he asked, his tone carrying an air of disbelief. I nodded, keeping my gaze to my lap. The chair creaked as he moved and I winced, prepared to feel him grab me, but he didn’t. He only walked out of the bedroom, slamming and locking the door behind him. I stared at the door in confusion.
What the hell just happened?
LUTHER
“So, what exactly do you want us to do?” Tony asked once the body was outside.
“The obvious. How are you going to feed the gators if you don’t cut up the body?” I asked.
Paul groaned. “Fucking hell. You know, cutting up bodies was all fun and games until this Florida sun decided to come out,” he complained. “I’m really not down for all that work again.”
“So, what, is someone going to stand on the pier to make sure the body is properly ripped apart then? Because then you’d be standing in the sun waiting on the gators to finally make an appearance.”
“Ugh. He has a point,” Ryan said with a huff. “I mean do we not still have a chainsaw? I’m not in the mood to fuck around with an axe today.”
“There are only three chainsaws,” I reminded them.
“Victor shrugged. “Then three of us will do it then.”
“Paul, you can choose one or two people to do it with you or you can do it yourself,” I said.
“Tony and Jake,” he quickly said.
“Fine.” I turned to Ryan, Curtis, and Victor. “I guess you guys can run and get food. It’s almost that time anyway.”
“Sounds like a plan,” he said, just as the sky darkened and thunder rumbled in the distance. “Anything in particular?
“Hibachi,” Jake said.
“That actually sounds pretty good. Haven’t had that in a while,” I said, nodding in agreement.
Ryan type everyone’s orders into his phone before he and the other guys headed off.
“If we’re gonna use chainsaws, then we need to hurry up in case it actually starts storming,” Paul said as he looked up at the sky as thunder sounded again. I nodded as the guys headed to the shed to grab the chainsaws as I went back into the house to keep an eye on the girls.
“Oh Luther, can you grab the bag with the protective bio-hazard gear in it? I think I put it in your bedroom closet last time,” Paul said. I nodded and continued toward the house, heading straight for the bedroom. Sevyn froze when I entered, her eyes wide as she looked at me. I watched her for a moment. I wasn’t sure what the hell she was up to, but she was bound to make me regret my decision to keep her in here instead of taking her into the basement. After I retrieved the bag from the closet, I cut my eyes back to Sevyn to see her gesturing something with her hands.
“Is there something you want to say?” I asked her.
She winced as she swallowed. “Pen and paper,” she croaked, her face contorting in pain.
I scoffed. If she was asking for pen and paper, she better be fucking writing down shit I wanted to actually know. “I hope you’re planning to write a confession,” I said to her as I put a pad and pen on the bed, leaving her in the room again and locking the door behind me.
By the time I’d reached the foyer, Paul was coming into the house. “Oh, I just wanted to make sure you found it. Thanks,” he said as he took the bag from me and headed back outside. I strolled into the kitchen and grabbed a beer from the fridge, popping off the top and taking a long pull from it as I leaned against the counter. I had no idea how the fuck I was supposed to “be nice” to a woman that I wanted to strangle every time I laid eyes on her. She hadn’t thought to “be nice” to my sister all those years ago. She could’ve always stopped what they were doing; she just chose not to. Now my guys are saying that I had to calm down with her a little if I wanted to know her reason, but I wasn’t completely sure I was patient for that.
Once upon a time, I probably did love her. But we were young back then. The only thing I had on my mind was having sex with as many local girls as I could before going back to school. There was something about Sevyn that was addictive. In all honesty, the sex we had in Bali was supposed to be a one-time thing. But then it turned into another time and another, to the point to where I was sneaking into her home to have her or she convinced Logan to let her spend the night just so she could sneak into my bed when Logan was asleep. I had to admit that it was fun, but her being my actual girlfriend was never on my mind. Maybe that made me an asshole for playing with her emotions, especially since she’d divulged in so many personal things with me. But regardless of what I’d done or what happened between us, it wasn’t bad enough for her to be able to justify going after Logan.
I bitterly took another swallow of my beer before I released a deep sigh. I didn’t know what would happen when I went into this bedroom, but I knew I wouldn’t be any closer to an answer if I avoided her. Finishing the rest of my beer, I tossed the bottle into the trash and quickly prepared her a mug of chamomile tea with honey before stalking back to the bedroom to try this “be nice” bullshit.
When I entered the bedroom, her eyes were squeezed shut a bit too tightly for her to actually be asleep. I rolled my eyes as I continued over to the other side of the bed, putting the mug on the nightstand. My gaze settled on the folded-up papers at the foot of the bed, my name written across a folded edge. I picked it up and slowly unfolding it, seeing pages her of neat handwriting in a letter addressed to me.
I moved over to the chair in the corner and sat down, propping my feet up on the ottoman. “I’m sure you know that I know you aren’t asleep,” I finally said. But she didn’t move. I almost had to fight the urge to laugh if she really thought that I’d believe she was sleeping. “Get up, Sevyn.” She slowly sat up and propped herself up against the headboard, though she didn’t look at me. “And drink that.” I pointed to the tea on the nightstand before focusing my attention to the letter and began reading. Considering how long it was, I was prepared for her nonchalant bullshit to taint every single page before getting to the petty reason for what she did. A smirk pulled at my lips. While I figured this letter would be bullshit that wouldn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know, I decided to humor myself and read it again.
Luther,
I felt it was better to write this instead of trying to tell you so that I’d be able to thoroughly explain why things happened the way they did. I don’t blame you for feeling like you needed to avenge your sister, but you need to remember that all pain has an origin and you’re in this story, too. This letter isn’t to beg you for forgiveness or to try to get you to change your mind about killing me. As I already told you, I won’t beg for something I don’t think I deserve. If anything, I at least want this off my chest before my time’s up, just in case I can’t verbally tell you this when the time comes.
You remember how we got into this beautiful mess? You g
ave me the best birthday to remember and I’ve cherished that every single day of my life, even now. We were both young. I should’ve been careful with you, especially since we were supposed to be a secret. I’ll admit I tried to rush a relationship, which made you become distant and a bit uncomfortable. I could blame it on just wanting to be loved by someone, but that wasn’t your responsibility. Maybe I didn’t love myself the way I should have. I relied so much on the love from other people that I neglected myself in the process. I put my self worth in others and became devastated when things didn’t work out. We’d had so many good memories that I hold dear to my heart, even when the new you threatens to destroy the old Luther I knew. The old Luther I loved. I know we aren’t teens anymore and so much has changed. I mean I don’t blame you. I understand the loss you feel. I’ve also experienced loss, but it may not be in the exact way you think.
I want you to know that I’m truly sorry for everything that happened. I always say that Logan didn’t deserve any of that, but it’s way too late for that now. It doesn’t bring her back or take the pain away from you and your family. If you think getting rid of everyone responsible is the only way you’ll heal, then do what you must. I’ve long accepted my fate. I’ve carried around guilt for the past seven years, attempting suicide and failing all because I didn’t think I deserved to be here. Why was I here when the purest girl to ever walk this earth wasn’t anymore? How did I deserve to be here when she was gone because of decisions I’d made? The number one question I’m sure you and your family had was why did I do something like that? The question has so many potential answers, but it all stemmed from what had happened with us. It wasn’t just the breakup, just in case you’re ready to blow a gasket. I’ll explain why.
The day we’d met up at the park for the last time, I’d planned to share something that I’d only shared with Logan: my secret. I’d gathered the courage to tell you but before I could even open my mouth, you were breaking up with me. A part of me wanted to scream the news at you, but I didn’t want you to think I was just saying anything to keep you. So, the secret you wanted to know so badly?
The Destruction of Sevyn (The Vengeance of Luther Book 1) Page 25
