by HB Heinzer
Once I was alone, I eased myself up, using the wall for support. I sat there for a minute once I was fully vertical with my cheek pressed against the cold tile walls. Finally feeling confident that I could make my way to the dressing room without incident, I pushed off the wall and started down the hallway. Two hours. Just hold it together for two hours and then you can die.
I didn't make it to the other end of the hall before I heard the click-click-click of a woman in heels walking up behind me.
"Colton, you don't look so good." I flinched when Tanya placed her hand on my forehead. "Are you coming down with something?" Her voice was saccharine sweet, the voice of a woman who isn't as interested in an honest answer as she is about putting on a good show. "Can I get you anything?"
I shook my head. "I'll be fine. Rain's grabbing my stuff. I have to get ready." I started again on what felt like an epic journey. If I couldn't walk from the bathroom to the dressing room, how in the hell was I supposed to go out on stage and play?
"Are you sure? I have something that will help in my purse." She started rummaging around in her designer bag. She pulled out a baggie with various pills in it and tried to hand me two of something. If they had been in a bottle, I'm not sure I would have accepted anything from her, but I sure as hell wasn't going to take anything that came in a zip-top sandwich bag.
"I said I'll be fine," I growled. I hated people hovering over me when I didn't feel well and I imagined Tanya's bedside manner would be similar to that of Hannibal Lecter. "Don't you have something you need to be doing?" I waved her away, hoping she would take the hint.
She curled her fingers around the back of my neck. "My job is to make sure you four have everything you need and that you are ready to go. So no, I think I'm doing exactly what I need to be doing." I swallowed hard, hating the feel of her cold, bony fingers on my skin.
"I'm pretty sure he told you he doesn't need anything from you, Tanya," Rain sneered. Those two women had never been friends, and I imagined tonight's little wardrobe discussion had done nothing to endear Tanya to Rain.
"This doesn't concern you," Tanya spat. "I'm doing whatever I can to make sure you can perform tonight. It's. My. Job." The way she forced out the last three words made me remind myself that she was a woman and I couldn't slap her into tomorrow. Yes, it was her job, but that didn't mean she needed to talk down to Rain as if she was a petulant child unable of understanding the simple concept. Rain had a point; I had dismissed Tanya and she was unwilling to let me be.
"Tanya, just go," I said, trying to sound authoritative but falling short. "Rain already gave me what I needed and now she has my clothes, so I need to get cleaned up and ready."
"Are you—"
Rain cut her off mid-sentence. "Tanya, I'm not sure if you don't understand English or if you're just dense, but he told you he doesn't need you. Go find someone else to bother. We've got this." I pursed my lips to keep from laughing at the way Rain effectively shut her down as Tanya sat there like a fish trying to breathe on the sand for a minute before stomping away.
Another wave of nausea hit, this time over the fact that I had ever been so desperate for a lay that I had given in to this woman's advances. I was certain her current proximity to Rain and the fact that Rain was the only person I allowed to coddle me when I was sick had a role in my self-loathing as well.
"Thank you," I mouthed to Rain as she draped my arm over her shoulder to help me down the hallway. She simply nodded and steered me to the dressing room.
"If you hurry, you can probably rest for a few minutes." While I changed clothes and tried to clean up as best I could, I heard her on the other side of the shoji screen going through her vocal warm-ups.
I leaned back on the couch for a minute, watching her, before attempting to put on my boots. "Hey, do you have your throat spray?"
She looked down at her outfit, giving herself a quick pat down before laughing. "And which body cavity do you think I'd put that in?" She kneeled in front of me grabbing my boots. Normally, such a gesture would have pissed me off but I was thankful for her help tonight. The sight of her kneeling on the floor for any reason upset me more than it should have.
"Sorry, stupid question. You don't have to—"
"Shut up. You look ready to pass out. I'd rather you save yourself for the fans." She tapped my left leg and I slid my foot into the boot. "When we get on stage, my spray is on your side of Jon's kit. Put it back or I might have to hurt you." When she had been sick last winter, an herbalist friend had given Rain an echinacea and licorice spray to lubricate her vocal cords. We picked on her mercilessly for her addiction to the stuff and for insisting on having it on stage from that day forward, but if it worked the way she swore it did, I would never bring it up again.
"How did I get so lucky to have you in my life?" My head lolled to the side, every bit of energy having left my body back in the bathroom.
"Short straw is my guess." She tapped my other leg and repeated the process of putting on and lacing my boot.
Rain had come a long way since I met her but she still had self-deprecation down to an art form. It didn't matter how many times we fought over her tendency to see only the worst in herself, she still found ways to cut herself down. If I had an ounce of energy left, I would have gotten into it with her. Instead, I wrapped my arm around her shoulder pulling her into my chest.
"Thank God for short straws then." I kissed the top of her head before she stood. "Come and get me when it's time to go?"
"You got it, buddy." She called me that often, almost as if she was trying to remind me that I was so firmly set in the friend-zone that I would never be able to find my way out of it.
When I felt her fingers caressing my cheek, I thought I was dreaming. Well, I knew I was dreaming but I thought the feel of her skin against mine was part of that dream.
"Hey, time to go, rock star," she whispered into my ear. The feel of her breath across my neck made my cock stir in a dangerous way. I hated the fact that no matter how many times I reminded myself of her feelings on the subject, my body couldn't help but feel like we belonged together.
She laughed when I mumbled and rolled over. "Hey, I can't do this without you. I need my right-hand out there." She pulled on my arm. She knew better than to think her size six frame could pull me off the couch but she gave it a good try. "Colton!" Her voice took on an almost scary tone. "Either you get up right now so we can go do a show or I'm getting a bucket of cold water." I opened my eyes and pulled myself up, certain it wasn't an idle threat.
To say my debut on a national tour was less than I dreamed of is a huge understatement. I muddled my way through the set, and being new to the scene, it was unlikely the fans noticed, but it was one of those moments I would never get back. I felt like I was walking through clay, my fingers felt like I had been playing guitar for weeks instead of years and my voice cracked more than once.
Although I was certain Jon and Travis realized how bad off I was, they didn't say anything when we came off stage. We had been friends since junior year of high school and they knew better than to bring it up. Rain handed me the bottle of ginger ale she had tucked under the stairs as we walked down the dark hallway.
"Let's get you back to the bus." Jon and Trav had already ducked into the green room to hang with the rest of the bands on the tour but Rain stayed back with me. "You need to get some rest or you won't be able to go on tomorrow night. Keep going; I'll catch up. I'm going to let the guys know we'll be out there so they aren't looking for us."
"Rain, I'm a big boy. You go enjoy the night." It was bad enough that I would forever have the memory of wanting to pass out the first night we'd made it anywhere close to the big leagues; I didn't want hers to be of taking care of my pathetic ass.
She shook her head. "No. I'm not really the party type of girl and I'd rather not have to deck anyone for grabbing me tonight."
"Does that mean I can't grab your ass?" I could be on my deathbed and still flirt with her. It had become alm
ost as natural as breathing.
"You're lucky you're sick. No, you can't grab me." She sauntered down the hall and I had no doubt she put extra sway in her step for my benefit. I enjoyed the view until she entered the room and then started walking down the corridor.
By the time she made it to the bus, she found me undressed and nearly passed out in the back bedroom, the room that was technically hers. We had told her she could have it because she was the only female on the bus and deserved some privacy. I hoped she didn't mind because, once I went to sleep, I didn't want a bunch of drunk assholes waking me up when they got back.
"By all means, help yourself," she said sarcastically when she opened the door. "I suppose you expect me to take your bunk tonight?" She didn't turn on the lights as she tried to find her comfy clothes.
"Well, either that or you're sleeping with me. I feel like shit, so it's not like I could try anything even if I wanted to." Okay, so I wanted to try something more than I should, but that was a line I would never think of crossing and I wouldn't have the energy to make a pass at her anyway.
Rain sat on the bed next to me, gently pushing me to the other side. "Any funny business and I'll tear off your balls, got it?" She turned on a small reading light and pulled out her e-reader.
I turned on my side to watch her. Without the heavy stage makeup and her contacts, she looked young and incredibly sweet propped against the pillows with her hair in a loose bun, wearing a tank top and flannel lounge pants.
"Of all the things you could be doing tonight, you're going to sit there reading?"
She looked over at me, brushing a stray hair out of my face. When I had mentioned cutting my dark blond hair shorter before hitting the road, Rain had been the one nixing that idea. She said it was part of my look and I needed to keep it long. If it meant having her push it out of the way like that, I'd let it grow to my ass if she told me to.
"Yes, I'd rather make sure my best friend doesn't choke on his own vomit than watch other people get drunk and stupid while I sip on water dressed up to look like a cocktail. Besides, I can't read when everyone's out there making noise all damn night."
She turned on her side so we were facing one another and I wished more than ever before that I could pull her close to me. Ours had grown to be an easy friendship once she learned to trust me, other than the times I pissed her off. I couldn't explain why since I knew her feelings on the subject, but it felt like something shifted that night as she rubbed my arm until I fell asleep.
"So, you mean to tell me you've been sleeping back there for over a month and you still haven't gotten laid?" Jon eyed me over his coffee cup suspiciously.
No one understood the dynamic of my friendship with Rain, least of all Jon. He was the one who knew exactly how I felt about her and how long those feelings had been festering. I was growing more and more frustrated every day, but I didn't want to screw up the quiet time I had with her by pushing the issue.
"No, I haven't gotten laid. Thank you very much, asshole, for pointing that one out to me." I poured myself a cup of coffee and slid onto the bench across from him. "How many times did she turn me down when I asked her out to dinner? You really think asking her to fuck would go any better? Not going to go there..."
"You really are dense, aren't you?" Sometimes, Jon acted more like a half-rate shrink than a drummer. "She could have kicked your ass back into the stack once you were feeling better, but she didn't. That means she obviously feels something for you, too. I say you go for it. Take her for a ride on the bike, go to dinner and see where it goes. Oh, but you might want to refrain from 'asking her to fuck.'" He made air quotes around the last part.
I shook my head and stared out the window. "I don't see it happening. Just drop it before she hears you. Please." I didn't care if it made me seem like some sort of weak pansy. Rain had always been one of the most stubborn people I knew, which meant that I had to play by her rules, no matter how long it took. Until then, I would take the little she had to offer and resort to dates with my right hand every chance I got. "But I do think you're onto something with the bike ride. We haven't done that since we got out here."
"That's my boy," Jon laughed, thumping my back as he passed me to refill his mug.
"Not like that. God, is sex all you think about?" With his light blue eyes and long, curly black hair that most women would die for, Jon had no problems in that department. Well, unless you counted trying to decide which bimbo to take into a dark room or closet each night. Seeing the way Rain rolled her eyes as he surveyed "the buffet," as she called it, was the only thing keeping me from following his lead.
"Well, not the only thing, but yeah, it's pretty high up there. Seriously, you're young, you're single and the girls love you. You need to either shit or get off the pot with that one." He pointed over his shoulder to the bedroom and I prayed she was still sleeping. "At least you hooked up from time to time when we were still in Portland. Maybe you need to fly one of your booty calls out because you've been getting pissy lately and Doctor Jon says getting some is the cure."
If he only knew how close my former booty call was at any given time...
Jon's words were running on a constant loop in my mind. I felt like a fucking pussy pining after a girl who obviously didn't want me. Maybe he was right. Maybe I needed a fast, hard fuck to clear my head. It wouldn't be hard to send a text to Tanya asking for her hotel information. I could be in her room, naked, within thirty minutes of our arrival in Shreveport and back to the arena in less than two hours.
"You're pretty deep in thought there, Colton." Rain finally woke up shortly after noon. Part of me wished she had stayed in bed longer so I wouldn't feel the guilt that washed over me when I thought about trying to screw someone else to get her out of my head.
"Not really, just spacing out," I lied.
Without any clue what she was doing to me, Rain sat next to me on the couch and nestled into the crook of my arm. I shifted in my seat, hoping she wouldn't notice the bulge starting to appear behind my zipper. She smelled like lemon pie today.
The one girly vice she seemed to hold onto was her love of fancy body washes and lotions. When I was helping her pack, I told her it was a good thing this wasn't an international tour because she'd never get her collection of fruity scented toiletries past the TSA. Every day was a different delicious combination of scents that left me wondering if they tasted as good as they smelled.
"You sure you're okay?" She frowned as I worked to get comfortable.
"I'll be fine." I propped her up against the arm of the couch and walked to the back of the bus. We still had four months to go before we went home. I needed to take Jon's advice because I was about to explode. I picked up my phone, cursing myself with each word that appeared as I wrote a message to Tanya.
Tanya: Holiday Inn, on I20. Room 217. I'll give you credit, you lasted four stops past Mobile.
I almost reconsidered, given the high and mighty attitude in those few words. When the bus stopped, I told Jon I needed to run some errands before sound check and raced to pull my Harley out of the bed of the Silverado that one of the crew drove behind us so we would have a vehicle at our disposal.
I stared at the numbers next to room 217 for over a minute, trying to decide if I could go through with this. Having already ditched my band and facing the real possibility that Rain would find out where I was and who I was doing, I knocked on the door. No sense wasting a good time if I was already potentially facing the consequences.
She opened the door looking like something out of a low-budget porn. Barely held together by the sash, her short, black satin robe draped off her shoulders. In Tanya's twisted mind, it was sexy and seductive. In mine, it was cheap and desperate. Then again, I was the one knocking on her door at three in the afternoon for a fuck-n-run, so who was the desperate one?
"Hey Sweetie, I knew you'd call," she purred, wrapping her fire engine red claws around the lapel of my leather jacket. "We'd better hurry before someone starts asking questions.
" I knew exactly what she was insinuating and the thought of Rain interrogating me made me sick.
Idiot, she doesn't want you. Tanya does want you. Let go, have some fun.
I shrugged off my jacket, tossing it onto the spare bed in her room, quickly followed by my plain black t-shirt and jeans. The last time I'd been with Tanya was the night I told her we had to end things. Again. The disgusted look on Rain's face when she smelled Tanya's perfume on my clothes still seared in my memory, so I stripped hoping to avoid a repeat humiliation.
"Let's get this over with," I said as I adjusted the pillows under my head. Until Tanya, I had always considered myself a compassionate lover, interested first in making sure my partner had a good time. With Tanya, I had a hard time seeing her as anything more than a tight passage to help me achieve climax and get the hell out.
Tanya wasted no time crawling up from the foot of the bed until she was on her knees between my thighs. She leaned in for a kiss and I turned my head. "Not tonight, let's just do what we're here to do so I can go."
"But baby, it's been so long," she whined. God, I hated whiny women. "Didn't you miss me?"
"Tanya, don't try to make this something it's not. We both know we're nothing more than friends with benefits, minus the friends part." I slid my hands behind her head, guiding her to my still flaccid cock. That in itself should have been a big red flag that I shouldn't be there, but I chose to ignore it.
The one thing Tanya had going for her was a very talented mouth. She wrapped her fingers around my penis, stroking a few times to get a reaction out of me before wrapping her lips around the head and sucking me deep into her mouth. I stared at the ceiling, trying to imagine it was Rain's pouty pink lips with that cute little Cupid's bow enveloping me.
"See, I knew you missed me," she cooed. "Baby always knows where to come when he wants a real woman."
