by HB Heinzer
True to his word, Jon had made it known that everyone needed to keep an eye on Rain since she got the email from her dad. To the best of my knowledge, she didn't even realize what an intricate network was in place to keep her safe and sober.
"Thanks, man." I pulled on my pants, not worrying about covering my feet or bare chest. As I ran from the bus, I heard the shrill screeching of groupies on the other side of the cattle fence set up to keep them back. I raised a hand to acknowledge them but made no effort to interact with them.
I rounded the back of the bus to find Rain curled in a ball on the pavement bawling. I didn't want to ask her what was wrong because I had a feeling I knew. I prayed it wasn't as bad as my mind was making it out to be. Maybe her mom was just getting worse. "Hey, come here." I scooped her off the ground. She wrapped her arms around my neck, burying her face against me. "Shh, let's get you on the bus. It'll be okay, sweetie."
If graded on my ability to comfort her at that moment, I would have received an F. It seemed like every word I said to her made her sob even harder. Travis entered the pass code to unlock the bus and we rushed inside, pulling the interior privacy door closed.
"Baby, what's going on?" I tried to wipe away the makeup-tinted tears streaming down her face while Travis took off her boots. We sat quietly on the couch trying to figure out what was going on. He covered her with a blanket and I thanked him before he left us to ourselves. "Hey, talk to me."
"Gone... she's gone," she wailed. It was a soul-wrenching cry like one I had never heard before outside of the movies.
I stretched her out on the couch, placing her head on my lap. There were no words I could say to make it any better for her, so I let her cry while I rubbed her back. Her breathing evened out after nearly an hour, letting me know she had drifted off to sleep. I had no doubt it would not be a good sleep, so I opted to stay on the couch with her instead of moving to our room. She needed to sleep when her body let her.
Shortly after she fell asleep, Jon, Travis and the four techs staying on our bus quietly opened the door to join us. "How's she holding up?" Jon asked. I shook my head, not wanting to say anything and risk waking her.
"Damn, this sucks," Travis added. "I don't know who in the hell called her, but she was more pissed than anything. Sounded like they were giving her a hard time for not being there. Poor kid." He kissed his fingers before pressing them against her temple.
"So, how many shows are we going to have to cancel?" Jon asked. I looked at him, trying to figure out what he was saying. "We're not letting her deal with this shit on her own. She would be the first one there for any of us if we were in her place. Did she tell you what the arrangements are?"
I shook my head again. We sat there watching Rain sleep, drinking and trying to figure out what we could do help her through this. My fear that she'd fall back into old habits when she found out her mom had cancer was nothing compared to the anxiety I felt as I stroked her back when she started crying again in her sleep.
My body ached when I woke up, the combination of sleeping at an odd angle on the couch and not allowing myself to truly fall asleep so I could hear Rain if she woke up. As I worked the kinks out of my back and neck, I saw Rain leaning over the kitchenette counter waiting for coffee to brew.
"Hey, feel better after some sleep?" She looked up at me and I had to fight the urge to laugh. Her stage makeup from last night was dried onto her face and cracking. I squeezed her shoulder as I walked past to get her makeup remover and a washcloth. "Can you pour me a cup and meet me at the couch?"
I came out of the bathroom to see that she had curled up on the couch, gripping her coffee in both hands, staring out the window at the cornfields as we raced down the Interstate. I flipped open the cap on her cleanser and started gently working it into her skin with my fingertips. She flinched at first when my fingers touched her skin, but she quickly accepted my help, leaning her head against the back of the couch, allowing me to massage her face. Once the black smears down her cheeks started to break loose from the skin, she placed her hand over mine as I wiped her face clean.
"Thank you," she whispered. Her face and body were completely devoid of emotion. I knew it was because she was trying to process everything that had happened and would happen in the next week or so, but it was scary to sit there and watch.
On a typical day, our bus was alive and loud if people were up. Today, it seemed that everyone was going out of his way to remain subdued for Rain's sake. Each person woke up, grabbed a cup of coffee and sat in the living area, not saying a word. For a while, it was serene; then, it got slightly unnerving.
Jon was the first to break the silence. "Rain, have you talked to your family today? When we get to Des Moines, we can get you on a plane, okay?"
Her eyes grew wide, as if she was just now starting to realize that she had to go home and face her family. "No, not yet. There's nothing for me to do there. I'm better off here." She looked up to me for reassurance that I couldn't give her. I didn't know the right answers and it was starting to piss me off. For five years, we had been friends and I had become her person. The person she turned to when she was sick, the person who knew her secrets, and in one of the worst times of her life, I didn't know what in the hell I was supposed to do or say.
"Rain, look at me," Jon commanded. The way both of them narrowed their eyes slightly, I knew we were preparing to witness the two most stubborn people in our little road family go head to head in a battle of wills. Jon reached out for Rain, lifting her chin slightly. "You need to be with your family. Even if you can't do anything, you need to be there. They need you there."
Rain sat up on the bench, leaning even closer to Jon. "No, you listen to me. They don't need me there. They probably don't even want me there. So, I'm going to stay here, do the show tonight, and then we'll talk about what happens."
She braced herself before continuing. "She's dead, don't you get that? If I get home in the next hour or the next week, it's not going to change the fact that my mom is dead and I wasn't there. I never got to tell her how much it hurt me when she turned me away. I never got to tell her that I wish she could have accepted me for who I was. And I never got to..." Her voice trailed off as the strength she had tapped into faded. "She's just gone..."
Travis tried to add his opinion to the conversation but I shook him off. Knowing Rain, we needed to bide our time and not push too hard. We could keep working on her after she had some more time to herself.
"Come here, sweetie." Having Rain sitting in my lap was becoming a frequent occurrence but I wasn't about to complain. I wished like hell it meant the same thing to her that it did to me, but I took comfort in the fact that she trusted me enough to allow me to comfort her as a friend. "Do you want me to call Mark and find out what's going on?"
Rain's brother Mark was the only member of her family I had met. While she'd never said as much, I had a feeling he was part of the reason she wound up in Portland. They didn't talk often because he was busy with his own life, but he had moved to Oregon at some point to live with his partner, Dale; the partner their family didn't know existed because he had hidden his sexuality from them. To hear them tell it, the Neumann family wasn't the most accepting of those who didn't fall in line with their ideals, which left half of the Neumann children locking parts of themselves away.
"Would you?" Her eyes grew wide as if she didn't believe I would help her out.
"Of course I will," I whispered. "Whatever you need from me, I want to help you out. Okay?"
She nodded, handing me her phone. "Hey, when we get to Des Moines, can you take me to the mall? I need to go shopping before I head home."
I squeezed both of her arms, turning her to face me. "I told you, I'll do whatever you need me to. I mean it. Anything." Without thinking, I leaned in to kiss her forehead. Had it not been for the long seconds I left my lips pressed to her head, it could have been seen as a platonic show of affection. Instead, it was like I was trying to make her feel the emotions I held inside f
or so long, hoping that she would accept them.
"Thank you. I'm going to get changed." Once she was back in the bedroom, I scrolled through her contacts to find Mark's contact card after looking to see who had called last night to give her the news. Matt, her oldest brother. I didn't know much about him, but given how badly he upset Rain, I didn't much care for the guy.
The phone rang four times before dumping me into Mark's voice mail. "Hey, I'm either busy or just don't want to talk to you. The only way to know for sure is to leave a message and see if I call you back."
"Mark, it's Colton. I'm trying to find out what the arrangements are for your mom's funeral so we can get Maddie home in time. Give me a call or text me on my phone. 503-555-0127. Thanks, bud. And sorry about everything." I hit the end button and debated finding Mr. Neumann's email address in Rain's phone but it felt like an invasion of her privacy. I told her I would call Mark, so that's all I did.
Within minutes, I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket. "Talk to me."
"Colton, it's Mark." He sounded beat. "How's she doing?"
"Not good, bud. But you know Maddie; she'll never let on how bad she's taking it. She almost cracked earlier but pulled back. So, what's the deal?" Jon sat down across from me and started asking the very questions I was still trying to get answered. I waved him off. If he didn't shut up, I was going to get the duct tape for his mouth.
"We're just figuring out all of that. I know it won't be for a few days yet. Some of Mom's family has to make arrangements to fly in and Dad wants to make sure Maddie has time to get here. What's your schedule like?"
"Show tonight in Des Moines, tomorrow night in Denver. Then a few days off before Wichita. But if we have to, we'll pull out of Denver to be there for her, for all of you, but I'm not sure how much that'll mean to the rest of the family." As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I wished I could take back the last part. "So, did Dale come with you?" I knew the answer but asked anyway.
"No, he stayed home." I wondered how screwed up this family was that Mark couldn't introduce them to the man who made his face light up. The sadness in his voice told how much it pained him to be coping with his mother's death without his rock.
"Okay. Well, I'm going to go check on Maddie. As soon as we have a plan, I'll let you know. You do the same, okay?" It was almost too much to hope for that they would be able to push things back until our break, but I hoped they would consider it. Bands canceled shows all the time when emergencies came up, but Rain would throw a fit if she found out we were thinking of doing the same.
"You got it, and hey, give her a hug for me, okay? You're a good guy. Maybe someday she'll see that." Coming from Mark, the statement made me laugh.
"Yeah, you know Dale's a good guy too. Maybe someday you'll pull him out of the closet." The lack of sleep had done wicked things to the filter between my brain and my mouth.
"Point taken. Guess you'd have to know what it's like on our side of things. Maybe I'll explain it over a glass of wine when you guys come off the road. Look, I have to get going; Matt's being typical Matt right now. Total asshole. We'll talk soon."
Once I was off the phone, I relayed the little bit of information I'd gotten to Jon and he started tapping away at his iPad. "Do you think we should cancel Denver? Will she be up to singing tonight?"
"Not sure about Denver yet. I say we still plan on it. We can drop her off as we drive past and someone can pick her up. We can do a show without her." I didn't want to think about not having her on stage next to me. I would much rather park the bus, have everyone get off and find a hotel room for a few days.
"Okay and what about tonight? We can work on some of our older stuff that won't have to be overhauled to work without her."
Even though it was only nine in the morning, I grabbed a beer from the fridge. It was going to be a long few days and I needed something to take off the edge. "Not a chance in hell. I think she'll have your balls in a vice if you try to tell her to take it easy. Singing is her escape from the shit in her life and she needs that right now."
The bus slowed as we made our way into Des Moines. I told Jon I was taking off as soon as the bus stopped, not thinking about what that used to mean to him.
"What. The. Fuck. She's back there falling apart and you think it's a good time for a piece of ass? I thought you said you were going to stay away from Tanya?" His clenched teeth were almost as tight as the fists at his sides.
"No! I've barely even talked to that crazy bitch since you and I talked. I'm taking Rain to the mall. She needs to get some 'family appropriate' clothes for going home. We should probably all go since I'm pretty sure you don't have anything suitable either."
The bedroom door slammed as I spoke. "Colton, there's no need for that. You guys aren't going."
Jon's head snapped to the side just as fast as mine, not sure we heard her right. "Um, yeah, we are." I said bluntly. "You don't get along with most of your family. It's a shit time for you, so we're going to be there for you. Not for anyone else, just for you." I pulled her close to my body, refusing to let her pull away. "Someday, you have to realize we're not going to leave you."
She jerked away from me and started pacing like a caged animal. "I get that, but you're still not going. It's going to suck without you there, but it'd suck even more with you there. I'm telling you, those people have no problem voicing their disapproval and I'm sure there will be plenty of it when I'm around."
"We're big boys, we can—"
"No! It's not open for debate. I'll go home, do what I have to do and meet up with you guys after. You. Are. Not. Going." She glared at me, daring me to disagree. "Now, are you taking me shopping or do I need to get Angie and the Silverado?"
I tried to ignore the distasteful glances we received as we walked through the mall. The heart of the Midwest didn't have a reputation for openly embracing those who walked along the fray of what they considered normal. The sales clerk in the first store Rain walked into looked as if she had tasted something rancid as she greeted us. I gently pulled Rain out of the store, leading her to another shop that would have what she was looking for.
Mark called while Rain was in the dressing room to let me know his dad had planned the visitation and funeral so they would be on our off days. When I asked whose idea that was, he surprised me by saying Mr. Neumann had made the decision on his own after looking up our schedule online. My heart lightened a bit, hoping that meant the homecoming wouldn't be as tense as she expected. I let her know the details as we crammed her purchases into the saddlebags on my bike.
I watched Rain in total awe that night as she commanded the audience. It may have been one of the best performances of the tour, with the exception of If You Only Knew. We debated pulling it from the set list for the night but Rain shot us down. It was a new song that had been receiving airtime on radio stations around the country and we had several stops where we performed an acoustic version live as part of a radio tour.
So many things I wish I could say,
So many things I wish you knew...
When her voice faltered at the end of the second line in the song, I moved so I was beside her, brushing my thigh against her leg. I leaned into her microphone, singing the words I had written for her, knowing she had no clue how fitting the song was on so many levels that night.
We pulled out of Des Moines as soon as we were able to break away from the VIP Lounge we had committed to hosting backstage. We would have left sooner, as Jon had wanted, if not for the fact that I was trying to keep things as normal for Rain as possible.
"Come on, Rain. We all know you're one of the toughest bitches out here, but we want to be there for you." It was likely a losing battle, but I was determined to keep fighting a little at a time.
"Absolutely not," she snapped. The look in her eyes told me I was pressing too hard. I didn't care; time was running out with every mile that passed. "Trust me when I say it's the last place you guys want to be. Think I'm kidding? Take a look at me when I walk off
this bus."
She was talking about the fact that she wouldn't resemble the woman I knew and loved when she was at home but I didn't care. Rain Maxwell could be wearing a potato sack covered in cow manure and it wouldn't change the way I felt about her.
"You shouldn't have to do this alone. You don't have to do this alone," I whispered as I wrapped my arms around her. "When was the last time you were home?" I hadn't told her much about what Mark and I had talked about. He shared some vital information after making me promise I would let the family be the ones to tell her.
Rain broke down, telling us about the last time she had been face to face with her family. It sounded pretty brutal. I couldn't help but wonder if it was as bad as she made it out to be or if it was a case of her taking things the wrong way. Given what I knew now, I had to think it was the latter. I was furious with Mark for not telling her how her mother felt sooner, for not pushing them to reconcile.
I felt Rain shift in the bed next to me as the alarm on her phone started going off under her pillow. She lifted my arm, thinking I was still asleep and I let her. It was going to be a rough morning for her and I still wasn't sure whether it would be best to leave her alone or get up and sit with her.
I could hear her talking to Sean, our bus driver, when she left the bedroom. She sounded hollow. When she came back to the bedroom to get dressed, I couldn't stand it anymore. "Hey, you taking off soon?"
"Yeah, about forty minutes now. Go back to sleep. You'll be worthless tonight if you get up this early." Even if it wasn't for my racing mind, I wouldn't have gone to sleep. I hated the fact that I was keeping secrets from her, even if there was a good reason.
"I'll come out with you. I can sleep the rest of the way to Denver." I pulled a pair of jeans out of the closet and pulled them on. With two cups of coffee in hand, I sat across from her at the dining table.
