by HB Heinzer
Drama wasn't something Rain normally did, but she was obsessed with "the transformation," as she called it, from Rain Maxwell into Maddie Neumann. I knew she wasn't going to look the same as we were used to seeing her, but I was confident she would still be the same person on the inside, if just a bit more subdued.
I thought she was going to cry as she took the piercings out of her lip and eyebrow. "We're going to see Tony as soon as we get home."
Tony was a friend of mine who had done all of her piercings since she joined the band. "We can jump on the bike as soon as the bus comes to a stop," I assured her. Hell, if I had to, I would fly Tony to Wichita so she wouldn't have to wait that long. Whatever it took to make her smile again.
"How do I look?" My jaw dropped as she applied a thin sheen of pink lip-gloss to her pouty lips.
"Wow..." I was nearly speechless. If she could see under the table, she would know exactly how I thought she looked. I didn't love "Maddie" more than I loved "Rain"; it was just... different. "I don't think you have to worry about anyone recognizing you." I couldn't resist the urge to flip her ponytail of curls around my hand. "That's really cute. I can imagine that bouncing around while you do your little cheerleader routine."
What Rain needed wasn't me asking how she was doing; her mom just died so it was obvious she was doing for shit. What she needed was normalcy, and someone to stoke the fire inside of her. I was just that person.
"Shut it," she snapped. "I swear I'll kneecap your ass if you say another word."
That was all I needed to know she was going to be just fine. Well, as fine as she could be, given the circumstances.
"You'll be fine. If you need anything, call me. The only time I won't have my phone with me is when I'm on stage. If you call then, I'll call the minute I'm somewhere quiet." Not that you'll be calling me when I'm onstage anyway...
When Sean pulled the bus to a stop, I stood to help her off the bus. Her dad brought his car to a truck stop parking lot just off the highway so she didn't have to wait. "I mean it, Maddie, call me." It was one of the few times I had ever called her Maddie to her face but it felt right in that moment.
I blew her a kiss over my shoulder as I walked back to the bus. More than anything, I wanted to stay with her. I wanted to hold her hand as she walked through that door. I wanted to tell her the truth so she would know it wasn't a problem if I didn't stay on the bus with Jon and Travis, but I knew I couldn't.
I fell back into one of the captain's chairs near the front of the bus and watched her watching us pull away. I swore I saw her slump over the steering wheel as we turned onto the entrance ramp to head west.
It took less than an hour before my phone was chirping with a new text message from Rain.
Rain: Wish me luck, I'm going in. Kick ass tonight!
I laughed, picturing her sitting in the driveway looking at her parents' house, avoiding the inevitable.
Me: No luck needed. You got this. Remember we're here for you if you need us. When do we not kick ass?
There was no doubt in my mind it was going to be a crazy, emotional day for Rain. She was strong and I knew that. After she had time to hear everything they were going to tell her, she would be in a better place than she had been before. At least I hoped that was the effect their bombshells would have on her. There was always a chance she would freak out...
Rain: We'll see. I know you are. And remember, I'm not there tonight. Have you thought about the fact that I might be why you kick ass? Really, I'm going now.
And that's why we'll kick ass tonight. See you soon, my little storm cloud.
Within hours, she would know that not only did her family not hate her, but that they supported her from a distance. Why they couldn't have had this talk before it was too late, I'll never know.
When I was talking to Mark, he told me the reason they hadn't called her sooner was because her mom thought she had more time. She knew she didn't have much time left, but she knew we would be driving by today and had asked them to call last night. One night too late. Not only that, but her mom was the one who insisted that her funeral be planned around our shows, if at all possible. That is why the Neumann family would be loading into a vehicle shortly after noon to bring Rain to Denver so she wouldn't miss our show. It was thirty different types of screwed up, but it was the way their family functioned…or not.
Every little thing had me on edge as we rolled down the road. With every additional mile that separated me from Rain, I was less sure I had done the right thing by allowing her to tell me to stay on the bus. She was about to be hit upside the head with a two-by-four and I wouldn't be there to catch her.
Should've pulled the bike off the truck.
"Hey, what did that cabinet do to you?" Jon asked after the fifth door slammed. I couldn't help it; there was no part of this situation that was anywhere close to okay with me.
"I should be there with her today. I shouldn't have let her get in that car alone." I pinched the bridge of my nose, hoping that if I closed my eyes tight enough, I wouldn't see her slumped over the steering wheel, crying. That image had replayed in my mind all morning.
Jon patted me on the back. "Look, I know how much she means to you, but you have to remember that you're doing what she wanted. What we want doesn't really matter right now."
"Yeah, but it's not like it would have hurt anything. We're still doing the show, with her, tonight. I could have put her on the back of the bike, we could have gone to see her family and then hit the road again."
"Ah, but she doesn't know that yet, does she? So, to get what you wanted, you would have had to do one of two things. Either tell her what Mark said or let her think we weren't playing tonight. The first would have left her with more questions than you could have answered and the second would have been lying to her." He stopped long enough to guzzle half his cup of coffee. "Tell me, oh wise pansy, which would have been the better option? Seems to me that either way she'd have been pissed off at you and that would be one more brick keeping you from her."
I hated it when he woke up making sense. "Yeah, but now she's by herself —"
"No, she has Mark. He seems like a good shit; he'll keep an eye on her until they get to Denver. Then, I highly suggest the two of you sit down and talk. Seriously, you're starting to make me wonder if you have a vagina with all the whining and pining you do over her. Either that, or you've had a piece you're not telling me about, and she has some sort of magical powers with hers."
Fucker. "Yeah, that'd be great timing. 'Hey, I know your mom just died, but how about you and me jump in the sack.' Somehow, I'm not thinking that's going to work any better than anything else I've tried. Maybe you were right before and I'm chasing after something I'll never have."
There weren't many people I could trust on the level I trusted Jon. For as much as he gave me a hard time about being a pansy or a chick, I knew it was just that, giving me crap, nothing more. I think he understood that this wasn't some immature infatuation or carnal attraction. My feelings for her ran deep from the day we met. There was something in her eyes that made me want to know more. As she grew to trust me, my need for her only intensified.
The bed felt cavernous without Rain next to me as I tried to take her advice and nap while we were still on the road. I tossed and turned in the dark, trying not to think about how things were going in Lexington.
When that didn't work, I went to the closet and found Rain's purple brocade corset. It was a bit more modest than most of the tops Tanya shoved her into and sexy as all hell on her. As much as I loved seeing her gentle curves hugged by leather, I figured denim would be more comfortable and less likely to freak out her family.
Shoes and boots of every style littered the bottom of the closet. Had Jon come back while I held pair after pair against the outfit I planned to put in her dressing room, he really would have ammunition when he called me a pansy. Satisfied that she would look smokin' hot and her dad wouldn't have a coronary at the sight of her, I carefully placed Ra
in's outfit, makeup and all of her hair crap into my duffel bag.
Shortly after the bus pulled into the back lot in Denver, my phone started blowing up.
Mark: Hey man, we got her on the road. Everything good on that side?
Me: Yep, how's she taking it?
Mark: Well, we might have failed to mention where we're headed.
Me: WHAT? Please tell me this isn't going to blow up. You guys have to quit doing this shit to her.
"Motherfuckers!" I shouted, throwing my phone onto the couch. I would have thought they had learned their lesson about keeping shit from her. Now, just about the time she started to cope with her mom being gone, they threw her in a car to bring her to a show she thought she wasn't doing and it was obvious they hadn't discussed anything.
Jon poked his head out of the bathroom door. "What's going on out here?" How Travis was still sleeping between my outburst and Jon yelling directly across from him was beyond me.
"Those assholes still haven't clued her in to the fact that everything she thought she knew about her mom was wrong." I reached for the bottle of beer I told myself I wasn't going to drink today. "They have her in the car, but she has no clue they're coming to Denver." My phone pinged again.
Rain: On the road, no one will tell me where they're taking me. If you don't hear back, assume they've left me in a ditch somewhere.
Me: I'm sure they're not going to kill you, but always good to know who you're with, just in case. I'll call you in about 30, k?
I needed some time to figure out how to handle this clusterfuck. If she asked me how much I knew, I wasn't about to lie to her. She'd had enough of that in her life; I couldn't add to it.
"What now?" Jon flopped onto the couch resting his ankle on the opposite knee.
"Oh, she's texting me now telling me they're going somewhere, but they won't tell her where. I'm not lying to her, Jon. They'd better get their heads out of their asses before they pull up."
"Settle, buddy. They'll have to tell her when they get close, otherwise she'll freak. Just let them do what they have to do." Jon reached into the dorm-size fridge grabbing himself a beer. "Sometimes, I don't think you give her enough credit, you know that? Your feelings for her make you forget that she's tough as nails. It'll be fine."
My attention drifted back to my phone, trying to clear the messages I had been ignoring all morning.
Tanya: Probably a bad time, but you need to know I miss you. I'm sorry about the shit I said before. Can we talk?
Fat chance, bitch.
Mark: Matt sat down with her this morning, let her know what I told you about Mom watching her career but not knowing how to reach out to her. She was a basket case for a while but she's getting better. The only thing she doesn't know is that we're coming to Denver.
Me: Okay, that makes me feel better.
Mark: Hey, Dad wants to know if you guys are coming back to Lex with us.
Me: Maddie said she didn't want us there, so probably not.
Mark: Well, Dad wants you there. I think he realizes how much you guys are family to her.
Me: IDK, man. She was pretty adamant. I mean, I'd love to, but not if it's gonna cause issues back here. KWIM?
Mark: You and Dad can talk when we get there.
Me: How long?
Mark: Less than 2 hours. She's asleep right now.
Me: Good, she didn't sleep for shit last night.
Mark: TTYS.
"How ugly is it gonna be?" Jon didn't look up as he played some golf video game he was addicted to.
"I think it might be okay. She does know most of the story."
That got Jon's attention. "And she's not losing it?"
"Not that I know and not that Mark knows, so I assume she's good."
My plan to meet Rain and the Neumann men as soon as they arrived dissolved when Jared coming to tell me that one of my guitars hadn't been properly stored and wouldn't stay in tune. Whoever was responsible for this was going to get the ass chewing of a lifetime because not only did they possibly destroy one of my best instruments, but it left Rain, once again, to deal with shit without me.
After working with Jared in one of the back rooms for over an hour, fixing the guitar and making sure it wasn't as bad as we had feared, I heard Rain's voice coming from the stage. She wasn't warming up or belting out one of our tunes, she was playing her favorite Art of Dying song. They weren't a huge band, but they had talent and I think she secretly lusted after their guitarist. I sat down next to her at the center of the massive stage, singing harmony as she played the melody on the acoustic guitar I bought her about a year after we met.
"Should we add that in tonight?" When she didn't answer, I pulled her onto my lap, gently brushing the hair out of her eyes. "Hey, we don't have to. I just thought you might want to. You know, kind of a tribute to your mom."
"That'd be awesome. Will Jon and Trav be up for it?"
"For you, I think they'd do just about anything. When are you going to realize how many people love you?" The fact that she seemed to feel as if they would have an issue with something that meant so much to her pissed me off. Her family not telling her how they really felt cut her deep and I didn't know if those wounds would ever heal.
Watching Rain go through the motions of getting ready for the show, I realized she really was badass. Other than one brief moment in her dressing room, she hadn't shown any emotion. Then again, being that tough could be a bad thing if she kept holding onto all of the pain.
As the crew finished flipping the stage preparing for our set, I found Rain, staring into the distance just off stage.
"Hey, you gonna make it?"
"I'm fine." She didn't look at me, but I could see her face was rigid, trying to hide the emotion bubbling closer to the surface.
"Bullshit. Look at me. You're going to be fine. It's just another show, right?"
"I said I'm fine," she snapped. It was rare to see Rain distracted before a show. Even though I knew why she was having problems getting herself psyched up for the show, I needed to do something to get her head in the game. I sucked in a breath, preparing to do the one thing I knew would be guaranteed to piss her off enough to draw her out of her thoughts.
"Whatever you say, Moo."
"What did you just call me?" If looks could kill, I would have been dead on the spot.
"Just doin' my job, Rain," I smirked. I flinched when her fist connected with my shoulder. For such a petite girl, she packed one hell of a punch.
"Who else fucking knows?" I knew using her childhood nickname—the one she didn't know I knew—would upset her, but it almost worked too well. She seemed about ready to go into the audience hunting for a pound of flesh from one of her brothers.
I wrapped my arms around her so that her back pressed firmly against my chest. "No one but me. And I've known it for a long time. Mark's lips get loose when he's been drinking. Don't worry, your secret has always been safe with me," I whispered into her ear. A sick part of me prayed I hadn't imagined the shiver I felt as my breath crossed her skin.
She didn't pull away from me as we waited for the lights to go down. I tightened my embrace, desperate for her to realize that I would be there for her no matter what. As the lights went down, Rain asked me where her family was sitting. I let her know where they were, assuring her I had arranged it so they weren't in the general admission area; they were in the gutter area where fans weren't allowed.
Seeing Rain illuminated by a single blue spotlight was one of my favorite parts of our show every night. She had a peace to her in those moments before she started singing It's Never Been You that was rare for her, even on the best of days. My eyes never strayed from her as she started belting out the haunting melody. Not once did her voice crack during her a cappella verse. In fact, it was one of the best performances she had given since we had been on the road. I was proud of her.
About half way through the set, Jon jumped out from behind his drum kit and I knew it was time. He took Rain's mic so he could addre
ss the crowd. When the crowd went wild, he raised a hand to silence them.
"I need to tell you guys something, and I'm hoping Rain won't embed one of those heels in the middle of my back when we walk off stage later."
Jon looked to her to see how she was holding up. She nodded, giving him permission to say whatever he had in mind.
"For those who didn't know, our girl Rain is one of the toughest bitches in the business. Most people in her position right now, I don't give a shit if it's man or woman, would be a wreck. A few nights ago, right after we got done with our show in Memphis, Rain got a phone call no one wants to get..."
He continued giving a brief explanation of what happened but I didn't hear a word he said. The only person I could see at that moment was Rain, who was about to go down if she didn't stop locking her knees. I passed my guitar to Travis so I could hang onto her. "Relax your knees, I've got you," I whispered as Jon finished his speech.
"...If you have a drink, lift it high over your head. Tonight, we're celebrating Rain's mom. She did a damn fine job raising her and then turned her over to us. From here on out, the Blessed Tragedy family has an amazing angel up there."
Jared brought a bottle of Jameson on stage and we each took a long pull off the bottle before I handed the bottle to Jon. I pressed my forehead to hers, "You still want to do this? We don't have to if you're not up to it." When she nodded, I motioned for Jon and Travis to take a break.
A well-written song can take on different meaning to every person hearing it. As Rain sang the first verse of I Will Be There, I could almost see her mind replaying images of time spent with her family before everything fell apart. I watched her until the chorus, when I joined in. I made no attempt to mask the emotion on my face as I sang directly to her, trying to sear the knowledge that I would always be there for her deep in her soul. She looked over at me and, for the first time, I could swear I saw a glimmer of passion in her eyes.
