Blessed Fate (Blessed Tragedy)

by HB Heinzer

  "Are they on their way? I'm not sure when Mark and Dale are coming back, and I really don't need them butting in." I pulled out my phone to send Mark a quick message. If she only knew how hard he was working to help us get things right... no, she would be pissed as hell at him if she knew, but I had no doubt he would stay away as long as we needed.

  "Yeah, they'll be here soon. I'm going to get something to eat; you hungry?" My stomach was still a ball of nerves, but I hadn't eaten in over thirty hours and could feel my blood sugar dropping to a cranky level. After ordering two burgers and beers, I returned to Rain's side, grabbing her hips. "You're too damn skinny. Need to start eating again."

  The five of us sat around the dining table once the guys got there. It was probably the most official looking gathering we had ever had, Jon sitting at the head of the table, Rain and I on one side with Travis and Jared across from us. For a while, it seemed like everything was going well.

  Then Jon brought us back to the original issue. "Look, I stand by my statement that you need to get healthy," Jon said, leaning in towards Rain. "You've been through a world of shit this year, and you've been trying to get through it alone from the word go. That shit stops. Now."

  This was the wrong thing to say, and I knew it. I went to interrupt him to explain what he was failing to get across, but he clamped his hand together, motioning for me to keep my mouth shut. "I don't care what it takes. I want you back. We need you back, but we need you healthy, physically and emotionally. If that means we stay in town a few months, I'm willing to do it."

  I saw Travis sit up straighter in his chair, and I knew what he was thinking. We had already signed contracts for shows through Thanksgiving. Staying in town wasn't really an option, but we would have to cross that bridge when we got to it. "Jon, we already committed to dates this fall," Travis pointed out. Seriously, I wished the guys had left talking to her to me, but that wasn't what Rain wanted. Maybe I should have brought duct tape for them so she could talk, and they could do nothing but listen.

  "No. We'll deal with it. I don't want to do this without her, and I'm not going to go back on the road wondering how much more she can take before she cracks," Jon shot back. It was evident that his focus had shifted to Rain. I hoped she saw that and appreciated it since he had once said no one in a band was irreplaceable. "She needs this, we stay home."

  "Jon, I can't—"

  Rain flinched when Jon cut her off. We had all listened to her telling us why she couldn't do this or that for far too long. It was time for her to be an adult, and even more, to understand that all four of us cared about her and wouldn't let her go through anything alone ever again.

  "Dammit, woman! What's it going to take for you to hear me? I know we all fucked up, and you're pissed. But now, it's time to pick up and get things right." The two of them got into a staring contest that frightened me just a bit. I seriously thought the laser focus in their eyes could cut a sheet of steel if placed between them.

  "Okay, I hear you. But I can't ask you to cancel dates when I'm still not sure what's going to happen." She looked at me, and I nodded for her to continue. I wanted to hear what she had to say since it sounded like she was finally receptive to talking to a therapist. "I'm going to find someone. I'm going to, as you say, get myself healthy emotionally. But what happens if I still can't go on the road after all that? There's a whole lot of poison that's been dumped into our little group over the past few months. I can't guarantee an outcome."

  "Well, I guess that's a chance we have to take," Jon stated. "Plain and simple, I want you to do what you need to do. I'm hoping like hell that at the end of whatever happens, you getting your ass in the studio is part of what you decide is best. It's what you were made to do, and I don't think you'll be truly happy until you're living your dreams again. Without the bullshit this time."

  I thought about ushering Travis and Jared out of the room since Jon and Rain were the ones doing the talking, and they obviously weren't seeking input from any of us. When I started to stand, Rain grabbed my arm, pulling me back into my chair.

  "Okay, here's my compromise. I won't make a decision before the end of the year. If I decide I'm ready to play, you let me play. But I won't make any rash decisions one way or the other. In the meantime, the show goes on. Jared doesn't have many vocals right now, shift shit around. Give him a few leads. Colton can handle the rest with some rearranging. I'm not going to let my fucked up head take money out of the pockets of the crew going into the holidays. Deal?"

  Watching Rain sit there and go head to head with Jon, not backing down and coming up with a very good compromise was hot as hell. If the band ever did break up for good, I could see her staying in the business, managing other bands with as good as she was at fighting when she wanted to. I gently squeezed her thigh and winked when she looked at me.

  "Deal." Jon went to Rain's side, pulling her out of her chair into his arms. "Now, give me a fucking hug." He whispered something into her ear and then looked at the rest of us. "We all are. Now, can you try to give that pussy another chance? I think he's trying to take your spot as the biggest girl in the group."

  I punched Jon in the shoulder, slightly irritated but knowing that we all felt like we could breathe again.

  "Rain, you coming?" I don't know why I asked this every day when I got ready to head over to Jon's. It had been almost two months since she started therapy, and she still hadn't made a decision about the band. I knew that if we could get her in the studio, show her how much she missed it, she would eventually be grateful for the push.

  "No, you go on without me," she shouted from the balcony.

  I snatched the bike keys off my kitchen counter and stormed out the front door, slamming it in hopes that she would realize how frustrating her stubborn streak was at times. Yes, we had all screwed up, and yes, she needed to get her life in order, but it seemed like she should be feeling well enough to decide whether she was in or out.

  I knew I was being a little bitch about it, but with nine days left before we hit the road once again, time was running out. I had spent every single day since her court hearing trying to prove to her how much she meant to me. When her brother and his partner went home, I insisted that she move into my secure building and live with me rent-free while she was making her decision. I was just starting to feel like I had her back in my life, and now I was going to be getting on a bus and leaving her behind.

  As much as it irritated the hell out of me that we couldn't get her to come back to the band yet, I was proud as hell of my girl. Twice a week, she was talking to a therapist, something she swore she would never do. For as long as I had known her, she had always seemed moody and had an air of sadness surrounding her, no doubt because of the issues with her family. Now, for the first time, she seemed truly happy. Not the perky, bubbly, want to smack the shit out of someone for being that way early in the morning happy, just content. It made coming home after practice my favorite part of the day. Now, if only that journey was with her arms wrapped around my waist on the bike, life would be about perfect.

  Jon looked up from some guitar tabs he was tweaking when I walked into his basement. Seeing I was alone, once again, he went back to what he was working on. The mood between us was strained because we didn't agree on the Rain situation. He was perfectly content to head out on our seventeen day, ten-stop jaunt if it meant she was in a better place mentally. I thought that leaving her alone while we hit the road was a good way to make her feel abandoned.

  "You guys have plans for Thanksgiving?" I asked as we sat around not doing much of anything. Sure, we had written some new songs and tweaked others to fit our new sound since adding Jared to the group, but there wasn't much we could do until we knew what our lineup was going to look like.

  "Not me," Travis said, grabbing a round of beers out of the fridge.

  "Jared, you heading home?"

  "Nope. Not really time to fly out, spend time and fly back."

  I knew better than to expect a respon
se out of Jon. For nearly a decade, we had spent our holidays together. The only time he spent it with family was when I got together with mine and brought him with me. He and his old man didn't exactly get along, and his mom died when he was eleven.

  "Okay, well I'm going to have dinner catered to the condo, and you asshats had better be there." In order for this to go the way I wanted, I needed them to be there.

  "Dude, you really are growing a vag, aren't you?" Jon chuckled from behind the piano. If it was anyone other than my best bud, that would have gotten old a long time ago. From him, it was almost reassuring, as strained as things had been between us. "Martha-fucking-Stewart going to come and decorate too?" He threw a wadded piece of paper at me.

  "Shut up, dickweed." I threw the paper back at him. "No, I'm going to invite Rain's family in for the week and thought it'd be nice to have a family dinner. You know, with her two families. And since their ma's gone, I figured they could stand to be together this year."

  "I'm down," Travis hollered from inside the sound room. "You just better hope someone can do it on short notice, bud. A lot of those companies would have booked up months ago."

  Little did he know that I had been planning this since shortly after Rain and I got together. I hadn't intended it to be strained between us, and my original plan was shot to hell thanks to my own stupidity, but she did need this. Maybe it would show her that life went on, and it was time for her to join the living. No way was I going to hit the road again without her. Once was already one more time than I wanted to deal with.

  "Jon, mind if I use the office for a bit?" I couldn't do any of the final planning from my home office. There was too much of a chance Rain would walk in or get on my computer and see what I had been up to.

  "Yeah, just no animal porn this time, 'kay?"

  "Hey man, quit sending it to me if you don't want me looking. You should be ashamed of yourself," I laughed, flipping him off as I closed the door. It seemed like as long as we avoided the topic of Rain's future with the band, the balance in life was slowly being restored.

  Rain said she was going to be fine the morning we loaded up the bus to hit the road. I'd gone so far as to pack a bag for her in hopes she'd change her mind at the last second and come with us, but she hadn't. I tried to hide the disappointment I felt that she couldn't see how strong she was, that she had made a ton of progress and this was a short trip. She swore she would be fine and keep herself so busy she wouldn't even know we were gone. Apparently, she was able to keep herself occupied for just over two hours. Then my cell phone started pinging non-stop with text messages.

  Rain: I miss you. Kick ass out there tomorrow.

  Me: We always do. Miss you.

  Rain: Miss you too. And you kick ass naturally when I'm there. Now you have to work for it.

  Me: IDK, the kid's getting pretty good. If he could fill out those corsets you used to wear, I think we could make them believe he's you.

  Rain: Don't pick on him. He'll tell me, and I'll kick your ass.

  Me: Promise?

  Rain: You wish. Miss you.

  Me: Love you, Maddie.

  Rain: I know.

  I hoped the day would come when she could say she loved me in return, but I was glad she wasn't saying it if she wasn't ready. That didn't make it hurt less, but I had hope we were getting closer.

  With Rain back in Portland, there was no reason for me to monopolize the bedroom on the bus. Unfortunately, that meant Jon used it as often as possible, bringing back random women in each city. He really was a fucking pig when it came to women. Then again, I hadn't been a saint myself, and I might have been right there with him if I hadn't spent so many years hung up on Rain.

  "Dude, you making up for lost time or some shit?" I asked after Jon ushered his latest conquest to the door. It really was disgusting, the way he would invite them in, bang them and send them packing.

  "Livin' the life, buddy. With any luck, this is the only stag trip we'll have." He grabbed a beer and flopped onto the sofa, smelling like sex and cheap perfume. "Gotta enjoy it while I can."

  "So, you can't have sex when Rain's on the bus?" The thought was beyond ridiculous to me.

  "Well, I could, but she doesn't need to see that shit. Gotta keep her thinking I'm the good guy, especially with you being an ass half the time."

  "Uh, Jon..." Jared looked up from his sketchpad. "I don't think anyone thinks you're the good guy when it comes to sex and women. Hell, you should see the scoreboard the crew has on the other bus keeping track of what you do. Swear to god, you're a role model to half those delinquents."

  I was really starting to like Jared. At first, he seemed too quiet, clean cut and young to fit in, but once he realized he was one of us, he started to come out of his shell.

  "What the fuck are you looking at?" Jon asked, snatching away my iPad. I really didn't need him seeing that I was looking at rings. Yes, it was too soon, but the time would come when I asked Rain to marry me, and I wanted to be ready for it. "Man, she won't even let you sleep in the same room as her, and you're looking at diamonds? You really are a chick, you know that?" He tossed the tablet back to me.

  "Fuck off. Just because you're content screwing randoms for the rest of your life doesn't mean some of us don't want to eventually settle down and have a family." I felt my cheeks flush in a combination of irritation at Jon for being a prick and embarrassment that he had a point. There was no guarantee that she would say yes when the time came. If she decided we would never be together again, I was wasting a big chunk of money.

  After searching for hours trying to find the perfect diamond ring for Rain, I realized my mistake. Diamonds are typical, traditional and expected, none of which are words I would use to describe Rain. Within five minutes of figuring out where I had gone wrong, I was the proud owner of the perfect ring to show her how I felt about her.

  The bus rolled back into town at the ass-crack of dawn, two days before Thanksgiving. It wasn't ideal, but we had to head home and get some sleep for a local show before having five days off and hitting it hard for the end of the year.

  "Hey, I have to go meet Rain's family at the diner. You guys get my bag and meet me down there?" After they had their fair share of good-natured ribbing about me turning into a chick with my elaborate plans to not only get back together with Rain but to get her to agree to spending the rest of her life with my sorry ass, my band mates had all asked what they could do to help.

  They were going to head over to the venue to get things in place there while I met with Rain's dad. For everything to turn out the way I needed it to, we needed to get her back on stage for this show. She needed to be on the bus with us Sunday night.

  "Good luck, buddy. If her brothers kill you before we can get there, I'll take good care of your bike," Travis said, thumping me on the back. I had worried about telling him what I was planning to do. Out of the four of us, I knew he was actually the most protective over Rain, even when it didn't seem like it. He was the first person to know what all she had been through. He had promised his friend that he would keep an eye on her and keep her clean. He wound up being the most supportive, even though he's taking bets that I'll get my ass kicked at some point in the process.

  "It'll be good. They love me right now," I laughed, praying to everything holy I could think of that I was right. My palms were so sweaty, I could feel them slipping inside my gloves as I gripped the handlebars. Every muscle in my body felt twitchy, like there was an electrical current coursing through my veins. This was like pre-show jitters times a thousand.

  Seeing Tom, Matt and Mike Neumann sitting around a square table at the rear of the diner made my stomach churn. I had planned to talk to her dad, and I suppose I knew her brothers would be there since they were staying at my place and we were meeting as soon as their plane landed, but they seemed bigger, more threatening with every step I took towards them.

  "Mister Neumann," I greeted him as I reached the table. He looked much healthier than the last time I h
ad seen him. I was glad Rain had taken that time away to spend with him and convince her brothers to make sure he saw a doctor. "Matt. Mike." I extended my hand to each of them, their grips strong and certain. I could almost imagine their large hands around my neck, strangling the life out of me if I hurt their little sister again.

  "Please, call me Tom." I sat across from Tom, between the brothers, and felt all eyes on me. "So, care to explain what this is really about, son?"

  I fought hard to avoid flinching at hearing him call me 'son'. It had nothing to do with my feelings towards the man or his daughter and everything to do with my own father. 'Son' was what he called me when he was about to tell me something I didn't want to hear as a child. Once we reconnected after his long absence, he used it every chance he got, as if to remind one of us that he was a parent.

  Matt and Mike both turned to look at me, knowing as well as their father that I wouldn't have asked them here so early, before they even saw Rain, if it wasn't imperative. Well..." I cleared my throat. This was harder than I thought it would be. "I want you to know how much I love Maddie." I knew better than to call her Rain in their presence. Not only that, but it seemed like Rain was becoming more of a stage presence while Maddie was the woman I loved. "I'm hoping to spend the rest of my life with her, sir."

  Mike's eyes grew wide as he stared at me. "Um, does she know this?" He let out a quick laugh. "Last I knew, you'd screwed up. Again. And my sister wasn't sure she was going to give you another shot."

  I suddenly wished I had waited until I could talk to Tom alone. I should have known that since she was going to therapy, she would be talking to her family more now.