a. I couldn’t find a sponge, so I used it to wash the car.
b. I have no idea what you are talking about. Didn’t know we even had a toilet mat.
c. Oh, the toilet mat. Yeah, I shit on that and tried to clean it up.
d. Is that a new dress? Damn, you look beautiful today.
e. Did you know the capital of Peru is Venezuela?
ANSWERS
a. -5 points. Lying to women about things that transpire in their household is just plain stupid. She might pretend to buy your excuse, but a few minutes later, she will go out and check for clues. If the car is not washed and the driveway is dry, expect another global shit storm. Later that night, when your defenses are down, she will break you. Like a preschooler, you will have to admit that you accidently shit on her fluffy toilet mat.
b. -5 points. Total ignorance can sometimes work. After all, women do not have that much faith in men’s intelligence. If you can’t remember her birthday, why in the hell would you notice a fluffy toilet mat, right? But be prepared for the topic of the wet, fluffy toilet mat to come up at social gatherings. Oh, Margaret, I forgot to tell you, the strangest thing happened the other day. I came home and our toilet mat was sitting on top of the dryer, sopping wet. Chances are, a husband of one of your wife’s friends will have shit on a toilet mat at some point in time, and then the cat will be out of the bag.
c. +8 points. This is the correct answer. In my particular case, I was watching TV when my wife came into the room. Without missing a beat, I told her I shit on the toilet mat and then tried to clean it up. She stood there for some time, waiting for further explanation, but I gave her none. I simply began channel-surfing. Of course it led her to say things like, “Forrest, you are a disgusting human being,” and “There is no fucking way I am going to take care of you when you get old,” but at least I was spared the monthlong inquisition.
d. +5 points. Telling your wife she looks beautiful is an excellent distraction. However, the cause of the soggy toilet mat will eventually pop back up. If you use this time to come up with a more clever excuse, give yourself the five points. If you use the time to drink beer and watch football, you get zilch.
FORTUNE COOKIE WISDOM
This gem of wisdom is designed for my female readers. You all know that men are inherently disgusting—and I mean disgusting. But it is even more important to realize that as men get older, they get even more disgusting. More ear hair, more nose hair. In fact, my stepfather actually combs his nose hair into his mustache. This is true. So, however gross your fella is now, know that when he’s retired, sitting on that porch and watching that sunset, he will be approximately ten times more disgusting than he is now. In my case, I keep a rag by the bed to spit luggies in. Do I jerk off and spit luggies into the same rag? Yes, I fucking do. Is that disgusting? It most certainly is. But just wait until I get old.
e. +5 points. If your wife is the argumentative kind, this might actually work because of course she will know that Venezuela is a separate country, not the capital of Peru. She will take at least ten minutes to berate you and tell you what an idiot you are. In the meantime, she will forget that she was supposed to be berating and yelling at you about the toilet mat. Excellent diversionary tactic. However, if your wife is not the argumentative kind, subtract 5 points, as it will only piss her off. If you wife is somewhat sane, you must stroke her ego or the tactic simply won’t work. For future reference, in addition to making a remark about her beauty, I will also accept:
1. You know (sigh), I was thinking about you while you were gone.
2. I just realized how much care and love you put into decorating the house.
3. I don’t know how you do it (dramatic pause). I simply don’t know how you do it.
8. What type of animal do you own?
a. Grizzly bear
b. Tiger
c. Dog
1. Standard-size mutt that weighs between fifteen and thirty pounds
2. Tiny rodent that weighs less than fifteen pounds
3. Big dog that weighs more than thirty pounds
d. Cat
e. Hamster
f. Horse
g. I do not own an animal.
ANSWERS
a. +8 points. We obviously can’t all have grizzly bears, but how awesome would that be? If you are one of the select few, you should write your own book on being manly . . . The downside to owning a grizzly bear as a pet is that oftentimes they will kill and eat you. It would be the same as a mouse owning a cat as a pet. Not a smart idea, but still ultramanly.
b. -5 points. You would think that having a tiger would be ultramanly, but it’s not. Unfortunately, there are a lot of feminine men who have already chosen tigers as pets, especially here in Las Vegas. If you think about it, what real man wants a big pussy? Sorry, buddy, should have picked a grizzly bear.
c. Dogs are pretty standard for guys to own, so we have to break this one down further do decide if you are manly or unmanly in your choice of pet.
1. 0 points. If you have an average-size dog, you are pretty much average in every way. Yes, I base your self-worth on the size of your dog.
2. -5 points. Although Chuck Liddell and Mickey Rourke are two of the toughest people I know, they both own small dogs, which costs them points on my manliness scale. If you own a big dog and think that you are manlier than these two individuals, you are wrong. I once watched Chuck jump off a fifteen-foot balcony in a bar in Mexico, just to give a waitress a tip. And Mickey Rourke starred in 9½ Weeks—can’t get any manlier than that. Assuming, of course, you don’t watch the last fifteen minutes of the film, where he exposes his weaknesses and cries.
3. +5 points. Before you shoot your wad thinking that you just scored 5 points, there is a catch. If your big dog just sits around at the foot of your chair, farting and chewing on its own limbs, subtract 10 points (do not count the original 5 points I gave you for owning a big dog). In order to score points with a big dog, it has to be trained to help you out in some way. For example, fetch the paper, kill birds and other dogs, urinate on people you don’t like, or play poker.
d. -5 points. I want to make something very clear—I do not own cats; my wife does. I admit that I pet them from time to time, and if her copy of Cat Fancy is open on the table, I may read an article or two. But in no way does that mean I own a cat. Sure, I may bring the cats to Starbucks with me and spend exorbitant amounts of money on their vet bills, but I only do that to make my wife happy. I may have even personally picked out one of the cats from the shelter, but that was just to ensure that we got the manliest cat possible. So what I am saying is that if your wife owns a cat, that is totally cool. However, if you personally own a cat, subtract 5 points.
e. -150 points. If you are over the age of seven and own a hamster, you are a very, very disturbed human being. I have taken away so many points that it is impossible for you to pass this test, so you might as well quit and go watch Freckles run laps on his wheel.
Confession: While I may be an adult male with no bizarre sexual proclivities, I do in fact own a hamster (it’s name is Marzipan—I know, very nice). However, my hamster was a rescue. That’s right, in the Las Vegas valley, people foreclose on their homes all the time, and when they move back to Wisconsin or wherever the fuck they are from, they just leave their pets to fend for themselves. One day, my wife and I saw what looked liked a crazy rat running around my yard. Eventually, it came close enough for us to see, and my wife, being a Good Samaritan, began screaming at me to catch it. I ran upon it, but I didn’t realize how fast those little fuckers could move when terrified. After several minutes, I had it cornered up against the house, and I reached out to grab it. Not wanting to get taken, it swiped at my fingers with one of its harmless, microscopic paws, and I literally jumped back five feet, thinking it was going to kill me. Needless to say, it didn’t score me any manliness points with the old lady. Anyhow, I ended up catching the eight-ounce hamster, and we nursed it back to health. Now I keep it in my closet, li
terally and figuratively. Once in a while I set him loose around the house in his little ball to torture the cats. Yeah, I’m pretty much a hero.
f. +8 points. This is another one of those tricky answers. In order to score big points for owning a horse, you must ride it on a regular basis. And I’m not talking about riding up and down the block—you must ride to do manly shit, such as to get across your property to fix a fence or back and forth to work. What kinds of job allow you to commute to work on a horse? A fucking lot of them. You could be a bartender in an Old West saloon, gunfighter, or a border patrolman. All of these are ultramanly jobs. Another stipulation is that you have to wear the proper attire while riding a horse. No biker shorts allowed. You have to wear chaps, a cowboy hat, and boots at all times. However, if you do not wear pants under your chaps, subtract 10 points as this is way too Village People to be manly . . . Come to think of it, I want you to strike the chaps part. They are most definitely a no-go. A certain member of the Village People gave chaps various implications, making them unwearable by the majority of the population. From now on, chaps may only be worn in biker bars that cater to special clientele . . . and by “special clientele” I mean people who are into crazy sex and bondage stuff.
g. -4 points. If you do not own some kind of pet, you are not manly. After all, being a guy is about controlling shit. And since women hate being controlled, you must fulfill this requirement on creatures that don’t talk back. The more pets you control, the manlier you become. Unless, of course, you own cats. Please do not be that person who has fifteen cats. That is just kind of sad.
9. When you go to the gymnasium, what is it about you that stands out the most?
a. Your matching clothes.
b. Your body odor.
c. Your perfume or cologne.
d. Your jewelry.
e. Your makeup.
f. Absolutely nothing.
ANSWERS
a. -5 points. Unless you are in the military, do not color coordinate your gymnasium attire. It causes me to laugh and distracts me from my workout.
b. -5 points. I know what you are thinking: “But Forrest, it has been scientifically proven that women like the musky order that emanates from a guy’s ripe armpit or crotch.” While this might be a hundred percent true, the gym is not a place to pick up women. Real men pick up women at truck stops and on street corners, not gymnasiums (by the way, real men do not train at health centers, fitness clubs, or even gyms. Real men only train at gymnasiums). When working out, I do not want to catch a whiff of your mating scent. PLEASE WEAR CLEAN CLOTHES TO THE GYMNASIUM. I am not opposed to bathing, either.
c. -8 points. I cannot count the number of times I have gagged while doing cardio due to some floozy’s perfume or some douche bag’s cologne. You’re at the gymnasium, not Club Pure.
d. -6 points. This is just hazardous to your health. Not only does it increase your chances of losing an ear or finger in one of the weight machines, but it will also increase your chances of getting mugged in the parking lot . . . By the way, what gymnasium do you work out in? Is the parking lot well lit, and generally what time will I find you there alone?
e. -5 points. Do I really need to explain this one . . . oh, and before I forget, if you can talk on the phone or read a book while doing cardio, you aren’t really doing cardio.
f. +8 points. Good, you’re a normal human being like the rest of us.
10. You are getting ready to head into the desert again, but this time you get to bring one person of faith with you. Which religious background would you choose?
a. Muslim
b. Scientologist
c. Buddhist
d. Christian
e. Southern Baptist
f. Mormon
g. Hindu
h. Atheist
i. Jewish
j. PENCIL IN YOUR OWN ANSWER HERE. (This choice is reserved for risk takers, as you will either lose or gain major points, depending upon your answer. However, with most people not being nearly as smart as they think they are, I must reserve this option for those who have taken an IQ test and scored over a hundred. If you have taken an IQ test and scored under a hundred [as I did] or never taken an IQ test, you are restricted to picking from one of the choices above.)
FORTUNE COOKIE WISDOM
As far as the standard IQ test goes, scoring a 100 means you are about average, scoring under 80 means you are mildly retarded, scoring over 120 means you are intelligent, and scoring over 130 means you are a genius and can join MENSA. If you are wondering what MENSA is, it is a group of socially awkward individuals that are very intelligent, but haven’t yet figured out how to use their intelligence in any practical way. Do I say this because I am jealous? Perhaps a little. As I mentioned in my last book, I took a legitimate, sit-down, two-hour IQ test my freshman year in collage, and I was dismayed to learn that my IQ was 84, just five points above being mildly mentally retarded. Remember, this was back in ’98 before all this politically correct bullshit, so the sheet of paper that deciphered the scores actually said the word “retarded.” Now it says “disabled” or some shit, which probably would have made me feel a little bit better. I remember the people who gave the test tried to give me a pep talk, telling me that it really wasn’t that bad, but I was mortally depressed for two days. I mean, I actually tried really hard on the test. So take it from me, never, ever take an IQ test, especially if you are concerned that you might be dumb. Trust me, you are. But as long as you don’t take the test, you can always pretend (and just for the record, an IQ test is not that dumb test you download off the internet. A real IQ test takes approximately four hours).
ANSWERS
a. +4 points. Muslim: These guys are headquartered in the desert, so they probably have a good idea on how to survive there. However, if they are fundamentalist Muslims, do your best not to piss them off. For example, do not joke about their faith or use their religion in any type of multiple-choice quiz.
b. -4 points. Scientologist: From what I gather, most Scientologists live in Hollywood, so they probably know nothing about surviving in the desert. Unless they can call that spaceship down to rescue your ass or you enjoy a good yarn of science fiction, they are terrible traveling companions.
c. +2 points. Buddhist: There is only one reason to bring a Buddhist—if you want to die a cheery death.
d. -4 points. Christian: I don’t know any Christians that come from the desert, and they always think they are right. They will undoubtedly lead you on a mission to civilize a group of savage squirrels. With that said, I think I might be Christian. I know for a fact my wife is.
e. -8 points. Southern Baptist: They hate everyone and love guns. You would think this would be ideal, but if are unlike me and actually have melanin in your skin, you will most likely get a decent tan while wandering across the desert, causing the Southern Baptist to lynch you.
f. -4 points. Mormon: Having a Mormon traveling mate is good because they come from the desert, but it can be very difficult to ride a ten-speed on sand and you will be forced to give 10 percent of your animal skins to the church.
g. +4 points. Hindu: Not only are they familiar with living on harsh terrain, but they are also used to fasting. Chances are, they will eat very little. Good choice! Just do not murder cows—it tends to really piss them off.
h. -8 points. Atheist: All the atheists I have ever met have been super negative. In addition to this, they also tend to be super lazy. I mean, if they are too fucking lazy to find themselves a belief system, what makes you think they are going to collect firewood. Terrible choice.
i. +4 points. Jewish: It is said that Jewish people wandered the desert for forty years, but once they got out, they all went straight to Hollywood. There is a chance that some of that desert survival knowledge got passed on through their genes, but I doubt it. The reason I awarded you with positive points is that they will undoubtedly teach you how to maintain your beard.
Be Ready When the Sh*t Goes Down( A Survival Guide to the Apocalypse) Page 3
