This is obviously something I had to research, and I really wish I had done it sooner. If I had known how easy it was to hot-wire a car, I never would have fought my ass off with Stephan Bonnar to win that crappy Scion. If you are working at Taco Bell or cleaning the diapers of the elderly in order to purchase the vehicle of your dreams, quit your job right now. To have the vehicle of your dreams, all you need is a flat-head screwdriver, a pair of pliers that can strip electrical wires, and a box of Kleenex. The first two tools are to steal the car itself, and the Kleenex is to wipe the jizz off the dashboard when you realize how much easier your life just got.
Before you pre-cum in your shorts thinking about your neighbor’s Mercedes and how good you will look sitting behind its wheel, it is important to mention that not all cars can be hot-wired. Many of the cars that came off the conveyer belt in the past half a decade are armed with kill switches. You poke, prod, or talk dirty to them, and they shut down completely, much like most of the women I have met. Unless you are a professional car thief, stick with older models. This shouldn’t be a problem because the only time you should consider stealing a car is when you need transportation in a postapocalyptic world. (Please ignore what I said above about quitting your job and stealing a car . . . That was bad advice, and I really don’t want to get sued over this book as I did with the last one. Remember stealing = bad until martial law is declared.)
1. STEP 1: Check all doors to see if the car is locked. If the doors are locked, smash one of the back windows. Despite what you see in the movies, do not smash one of the front windows. This will deposit shards of broken glass all over the front seats that will surely end up in your ass cheeks. Unless, of course, you like the thought of shards of glass slowly embedding themselves in your colon.
2. STEP 1A: Check driver’s-side visor to see if the owner of the car has left their keys there. I’ve never quite figured out who is a big enough moron to actually do this, but it seems to happen with such frequency in the movies that it must be true, though the people who do it are probably the people whose e-mail passwords are 12345. (Fuck, now I have to change my email password . . . and my PIN.)
3. STEP 2: Locate the hole where you stick in the keys. This device is referred to as the ignition tumbler, but with these words being too intricate for either you or me, I will just call it the vagina of the steering wheel. Once located, pry off the plastic covers surrounding the vagina.
4. STEP 3: Remove the flat-head screwdriver from your utility belt and jam it into the vagina. If your screwdriver is short, you will most likely need to slide it in all the way up to the hilt. Personally, I do not have this problem because I carry a large screwdriver.
Once you have penetrated the vagina, grip the screwdriver’s handle with both hands and twist like a mother. (In case some of you forgot we were talking about hot-wiring a car, do not attempt to perform this procedure on your girlfriend; it will not win you any brownie points . . . but who am I kidding, we all know you do not have a girlfriend! . . . Oh, yeah, that’s right, that Australian girl you are seeing, the one you met while on vacation with your parents last May. The one none of your friends will ever get to meet because she lives so far away. I read ya.) Anyway, if you have a strong grip and are lucky, the ignition switch will turn and the car will start. This is the best-case scenario because you won’t need to fuck around with wires and risk getting electrocuted. From that point on, starting the car will be as simple as turning the screwdriver.
5. STEP 4: If you are attempting to hot-wire a car at this moment and are currently reading step four, you are a loser. You rolled the dice and shit the bed. Although God has completely given up on you, do not give up on yourself.
Release your grip on the screwdriver, reach underneath the ignition tumbler, and locate the panel that has five to eight wires attached to it. This is where things get a little tricky—you want to locate the positive and negative wires that go up into the steering column. Different cars use different colored wires, but most of the time they are both red. Once located, pull them from the steering column, strip about an inch of the plastic coating off the ends, and then twist them together. It is important to mention that these wires are hot, which might lead to a small shock. (Translation: Ignore the fact that all your muscles have tightened up, urine is dripping down your leg, and spit is flying from between your clenched teeth.) Completing this step supplies electricity for your ignition components so the engine is able to start.
6. STEP 5: Return to the assortment of wires and locate the ignition wire, which in many cars is brown. Again, strip approximately an inch of the plastic coating off the tip.
7. STEP 6: Lightly touch the ignition wire to the two red wires you already twisted together. In most cases, the car should start. Note: This is the part of the process where it is quite possible to receive a rather strong electrical shock. To avoid this, do not hold the metal tip of the brown wire. Hold farther up, where the plastic is still intact. After you have gotten the car started, separate the brown wires from the red wires so they are no longer touching.
8. STEP 7: If you still can’t get the car running, throw a tantrum and vent your frustration about your incompetence.
9. STEP 8: Your tantrum alerted a motorcycle gang to your presence. Run!
(INSERT MILDLY AMUSING BLOWJOB JOKE) OR HOW TO SIPHON GAS
Unlike the Vehicle of Death I told you to build, most cars you find on the street will not have an extra gas tank built into the back. As a result, you won’t get very far unless you learn how to siphon gas. Luckily, I offer step-by-step instructions below. When I am finished, you will be able to siphon better than an underage runaway on Hollywood Boulevard pulling for his next fix of China White. While this knowledge might be able to save you from getting stranded in the middle of a desert, it can also get you in trouble. There are several objects on which you do NOT want to practice your siphoning techniques. Below is a brief list of do’s and don’ts.
Okay to Siphon
• Cars
• Boats
• Lawn mowers
• Generators
Not Okay to Siphon
• Curdled milk
• Kerosene lamps
• Drano
• Toilets
• Spittoons
• Animals (especially not raccoons and cheetahs)
• Bottles of glue
• The curious penis dangling through the hole in your bathroom stall at the freeway rest stop.
Step-by-Step for Siphoning Gas
STEP 1: Obtain some type of rubber hose that is smaller in diameter than a garden hose and larger than a catheter. DO NOT use a catheter.
STEP 2: Slide the hose deep into the gas tank’s shaft.
STEP 3: Position a receptacle below the car’s gas tank.
STEP 4: Stroke the rubber tube with one hand, place your opposite hand on the base of the tube, wrap your lips around the tip, and begin sucking. The goal is to feel the fluid rising in the tube, and then quickly remove your lips before it blows. (If you get a mouthful, do not swallow. You’re not trying to impress anyone here.)
STEP 5: Move out of the way and allow the tube to spit its precious fluid into the opening of the receptacle you placed on the ground.
STEP 6: Allow gravity to pull gas from the tank into the receptacle.
STEP 7: Clean yourself up with Kleenex.
STEP 8: Never tell anyone what you have done. Not ever.
BRONCO BUSTIN’ FOR DUMMIES
Horses will be an excellent source of postapocalypse transportation because they can go where vehicles cannot. They can climb mountains, move gracefully through dense forests, traverse deserts, and swim across rivers. They also run off grass rather than gasoline, which, unless there is a nuclear winter, will be much more readily available. The most difficult part will be finding a horse. All the domesticated horses will probably get eaten pretty quickly, so you will have to locate and catch a wild horse. Before I give you step-by-step instructions on how to acco
mplish this, I must mention that breaking a horse is actually quite cruel. Although old westerns make it seem like a very natural process, anytime you steal an animal from its natural habitat, shatter its will, and then make it serve you, it’s a pretty dick move. But hey, if you need to get around, you need to get around.
Step-by-Step for Breaking a Horse
STEP 1: Find a wild horse: Thanks to the white man, wild horses are pretty scarce. The best place to find one is at wild-horse refuges, which are scattered around the United States. The problem is that these refuges are the same places where we have corralled all the Injuns, so you must be careful not to get scalped!
STEP 2: Move toward the horse: When you spot a wild horse, you do not want to spook it. Running toward it waving your arms and shouting is a bad idea. You want to move toward the animal slowly and speak softly to it. It doesn’t matter what you say, so long as you speak softly. For example, you can say, “Nice girl. You’re a nice girl, aren’t you? I am your friend, that’s right. I want to be your friend and take care of you.” Or you can say, “Hey shit stick, I am going to steal your freedom and make you my slave. If you disobey me, I will stab you with my spurs. Don’t worry, I will still let you eat grass—not the fresh grass you have now, but rather shitty, dried cubes of hay that taste more like cubes of shit. But be grateful that I will feed you at all. You are a dumb animal and I can kill and eat you anytime.” Both are just as effective so long as you talk softly.
STEP 3: Obtain control of the horse: Pull up beside the horse and begin rubbing its neck. Do not pat the horse as you would a dumb child—stroke it nicely, as you would a cat or some other creature you care about. While stroking, slowly place a rope around its neck. If the horse finds this arousing, like David Carradine, quickly move on to another horse.
STEP 4: Shatter the horse’s horseliness by treating it like a pimply-faced junior high school student; this can be achieved by sliding headgear onto its face. Such gear is often referred to as a halter, but it looks nothing like the sexy little tops women wear. Next, grip the bottom portion of this headgear and begin to walk. The goal here is to teach the animal to move when and where you want. To break its will, feel free to write insulting things about it on the stalls of the boys’ locker room; however, do not attempt to stuff the horse in a trash can or flush its head in a toilet as you would a junior high weakling that you are tormenting for sport. You want to be demeaning, but not totally abusive.
STEP 5: Continue to be mean and annoying: Jab your finger in the horse’s side until it moves away from your prodding. Repeat on all sides of the horse until it submits to your every command.
STEP 6: Continue to dress the horse as if it were a child you hated: But instead of forcing it to wear a pair of footed pajamas, put a saddle onto its back. Remember, horses are against God, which is why they are always naked. You must help them find the Lord.
STEP 7: The Bridle: The bridle is much like a ball gag, but instead of putting it on your spouse, you use it on a horse. It consists of a headset, a bit that goes into the horse’s food hole, and reins that you can use to steer the animal into places it does not wish to go. Just like getting the ball gag into your partner’s (or sometimes repulsive prostitute’s) mouth, it can be difficult to place the bit into a horse’s mouth. If it refuses to open its chops, slide your finger into the various corners of the animal’s hay cave. The horse will find this very annoying and eventually open wide. Once you’ve accomplished this, slide in the bit and strap it in place.
STEP 8: Mount the horse: Mounting a horse is nothing like mounting a woman. Although both are oftentimes unenthusiastic about being mounted, horses are much larger animals than women. They also have hooves that can annihilate a healthy pair of testicles. With only one remaining testicle, I am very careful to avoid hooves and high heels. As a result, I attempt to mount both of these magnificent creatures very rarely.
To reduce your risk of injury, mount the horse very slowly and then just sit there. Do not stand up on the horse or lie back to get a suntan. Once it is comfortable with your presence, force it to move forward by pressing your legs into its sides. For some reason, horses understand this as the “move forward” command.
STEP 9: Turning. Moving in only straight lines sucks because eventually you will run into something. As a result, the next step is to teach your slave horse to turn. If you want to turn left, press your left leg into his side and pull on the left rein. To get it to move to the right, press your right leg into its side and pull on the right rein. To get it to stop, pull back on the reins. In addition to this, you must learn all the proper terminology, such as “whoa” and “Easy, boy” and “ ’smatterchew.” This will make you sound like a real cowboy.
STEP 10: Throw a tantrum because you can’t get the horse to do what you want.
STEP 11: Your tantrum alerted Injuns to your presence. Run!
THE FLAT ORIGAMI: HOW TO READ A MAP, AND MAYBE EVEN FOLD THEM
First off, let me start by telling you that the wilderness sucks. There are no showers, stores, washing machines, or shitters. All the wilderness offers is dirt, trees, animals, and insects.
In order to spend as little time as is humanly possible under these terrible conditions, it is important to know where you are going. This can be tough because there are also no street signs in the wilderness. Occasionally there is a ribbon tied around a tree or an X etched into a rock, but following these will either confuse you more or lead you into the mouth of a grizzly bear den. Unlike when you were a child and hid under the kitchen sink, no one will come looking for you if you get lost.18 You are totally and completely alone, and to avoid certain death, you must learn how to read a map. And I am not talking about Hollywood Star maps that show you how to get to the houses of various celebrities, though those are super cool, especially if you are a stalker. I’m talking about topographic maps, like the one shown above. Trust me, there is no need to go all Christopher Columbus and attempt to discover Australia for a second time.
How to Do Lines
Topographic maps are filled with a bunch of wavy lines. While at first glance it might appear as though the mapmaker left the map in the backseat of his car where his idiot son had at it with a Magic Marker, these lines are actually there for a reason. The most important lines to familiarize yourself with are the brown ones, as they represent contours, which is a fancy way of saying “points with the same elevation.” What is nice about these lines is that they allow you to visualize a three-dimensional image from a two-dimensional drawing. On the next page, there are blank boxes where you can test your hand at conjuring up these three-dimensional images as well as actual topographic maps for you to study. Obviously, this is an important skill to have because it tells you what stands in front of you and the easiest way to get around obstacles. If Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid had been in the possession of a topographic map, they never would have had to jump off that cliff.
Draw image here
If your three-dimensional drawing came out looking like rolling hills, you can now consider yourself an adequate map reader. If it ended up looking like a pair of breasts, you are more of a pervert than a mapster.
Draw image here
If your three-dimensional image looks like an outcropping of granite coming off two small hills, congratulations! You can now consider yourself an expert map reader. If it came out looking like morning wood, you have dicks-on-the-brain, and that is totally your business, my friend; I don’t judge.
Legend (Not Just a Great Movie)
In addition to learning how to read contour lines, you must also familiarize yourself with the legend at the bottom of the map. In this area, the map will show the symbols used to describe certain information on the map. At left, I list some of the more common ones.
Sample Map
HOW MUCH I HATE THE OUTDOORS
As you are probably guessing by now, I don’t much like the outdoors. Well, when I was thirteen, my mother decided we were going to have a bonding experience
. Instead of taking me to Disneyland or somewhere cool, she decided to take me white-water rafting. There were seven or eight of us on the oversized inner tube, and being a large kid, I was put in charge of the left side of the boat by the guide. He told me my job was to make sure we didn’t get stuck on any rocks, and I was more than excited to take on this task, as it made me feel like I was wearing my big boy pants.
About ten minutes into our adventure, sure enough, we get stuck on a rock. I had wedged my paddle down between the side of the raft, so I tried to push us off the rock using my hands. Of course, my hands slipped off, and my entire torso dunked into the water. Immediately the current swept my head and life vest underneath the boat and pinned me there. I felt no need to panic—to free myself from this predicament, all I needed to do was slide the lower half of my body into the water, push myself away from the boat, and climb back in. However, as I attempted to put this game plan into effect, my mother, who was sitting on the opposite side of the boat, began to panic and grab a hold of my legs. She was trying to pull me back into the boat with all her might, but she was fighting against the strength of Mother Nature and losing terribly. This presented a problem because I couldn’t go out of the boat and I couldn’t go back into the boat. I was simply stuck with my head and chest pinned under this shitty blowup raft.
Be Ready When the Sh*t Goes Down( A Survival Guide to the Apocalypse) Page 17
