FORREST FACTOID
Don’t be afraid to go crazy with your proclamations about your new faith. After the earthquake that claimed two hundred thousand lives in Haiti, Pat Roberts claimed that the Haitian people brought the death and mayhem upon themselves by worshipping the devil. If you can say something as fucked up as that and still have people follow your advice, you can say pretty much anything.
HOW DAVID KORESH DID IT (CREATING YOUR GODLIKE PERSONA)
Getting your belief system set up is a good start, but it’s not enough on its own. Now that you have a set of “values” in place, you need to make sure you have the presence to match. I know you’ve never been one to care much about your appearance, especially after the apocalypse (okay, let’s be honest: things weren’t great for you before the apocalypse either), but you might want to think about trying a few things to appear your holiest at all times.
Wildman Crazy Hair Doesn’t Inspire Confidence (i.e., Nick Nolte)
Anytime you introduce a set of beliefs and ask people to follow them, you must become the focal point of excitement for those whom you wish to entice with those beliefs. Essentially, you must become the life of the party. Although I have never seen you personally, I imagine you have let yourself go a little, especially now that the apocalypse has hit. You have greasy skin, your drawers smell like a battlefield, and you always have goop caked in the corners of your eyes. Clean yourself up! You don’t have to look overly proper, but you do have to look presentable.
My suggestion is to start with your hair. If you have hair, part it on the side so that you have that big wave traversing your forehead. A good head of hair works really well for telling your flock that you have what it takes to lead them to the promised land. However, if you are looking a little more like Matt Lindland these days, do not try to hide the fact that you are balding by growing more hair around the sides and back. This is a clear-cut sign of weakness. Instead, shave your head bald. Even if you have a bulbous-shaped head, you will look wise and a trifle spooky. Spooky is good, trust me.
FORTUNE COOKIE WISDOM
If you truly want to be remembered as a legend, you will want to die as a martyr at the apex of your life. It will leave people with an iconic image of you—young, strong, and virile. If you hang around too long, you will undoubtedly be remembered as that fat, bloated, old guy hustling on the Vegas Strip for a couple of dollars so you can pay your child support. With this in mind, I still have to admit that martyrdom just isn’t for me. Seventy-two virgins sounds well and good, but I cannot be responsible for teaching that many girls how to get it on. Personally, I need a girl with a little experience. Not a Vegas prostitute, but not an amateur either. Now if they offered an endless supply of coffee . . .
You Need to Sound Smarter
Another thing you can work on is your accent. When you have a foreign accent, it creates an illusion of superiority and knowledge. The goal is to choose an accent that best represents your belief system. If you are trying to create a religious community that has Hindu or Buddhist roots, you may want to speak like a Vedic Indian or wise Asian. If you base your belief system on a military concept, Texan, German, and Russian accents will help create an effect of power and militaristic credibility. The only accents you do not want to use are Canadian, Swedish, and of course French. Choosing one of these accents will get you stoned to death or burned at the cross. If you are not sure what accent to take on, just switch it up every few years like Madonna.
Whatever you do, do not use your regular voice. Employing an accent creates the “faraway effect,” which is where people perceive anything remote from their lives to be more valuable than the things that are around them every day. This is the reason why everyone thought Pride was so good, because that organization was far away in Japan. But when those fighters came over here, and some of them didn’t do that well, it shattered the illusion.
Another helpful hint is to speak using only cryptic phrases. Let me give you an example:
Disciple: Forrest, I am hungry. Can I have a piece of meat?
Forrest: My son, we can only know these things in the end.
Crazy Eyes (aka Forrest Whittaker)
Another critical characteristic you need to develop are crazy eyes. Every religious or political leader that has attained the loyalty and blind allegiance of a group or a country has had them. Just think about David Koresh. He wore glasses to accentuate his crazy eyes, and people actually burned to death for him.
Practice in the mirror by staring at yourself for a really, really long time. As a matter of fact, stare at yourself until you are no longer comfortable doing so, and then stare some more. Eventually, you will automatically begin to make strange faces and your eyes will begin to take on the necessary look of intense commitment that your beliefs require. Although your crazy eyes will dissuade nonbelievers from getting near you, they will have the opposite effect on those who are searching for spiritual guidance. To them, the crazier your eyes get, the more they will believe that you have “seen the light.”
NOTE TO READER: In no way are we condoning the actions of David Koresh, Jim Jones, or those guys who started that Heaven’s Gate shit. We are simply pointing out that a couple of the techniques they used worked quite well, actually. We want you to use those techniques for good. That is what I will be doing.
Not Shaving for Five Years Finally Pays Off: Your Facial Hair
Another thing you may want to incorporate into your leadership getup is facial hair. Most wise men of religious or political movements have either had distinct mustaches or beards. If you are like me and cannot grow an adult beard, that is even better. The scruffier your beard or mustache, the more wisdom people
will think you possess. The two looks I would recommend choosing from are the Fu Manchu beard of the Eastern master or the long beard of the mountain philosopher.
Jesus Was a Snazzy Dresser
Your attire will put the finishing touches upon your new persona, but it is important to make the right choice. Instead of picking something you look good in, ask yourself what you are trying to achieve. A long robe lets your fledgling converts know that you are a man of deep thought. Clothing yourself in animal skins lets them know you are a man of nature. Wearing a turban lets them think that you are without vices, and wearing a militaristic uniform gives off an aura of invincibility and power. It is totally up to you, but just make sure whatever dress you chose to adopt is readily available, as you will most likely want to outfit all members of your group in similar clothing. This strips away their individuality and creates greater cohesion in the community. Remember, you want your group as a whole to have identity, not the individuals in the group. Dressing everyone the same also makes it easy to identify outsiders and kill them.
FORTUNE COOKIE WISDOM
It can also be beneficial to worship some type of crazy idol. I was going to suggest a dead dude on a cross, but apparently that has already been used. Just go crazy with it to see how far people will go. Personally, my religion is going to worship wind chimes. The reason for this is obvious—wind chimes are moved by God’s life breath. Fortunately, I will be the only one who can hear God’s voice when the wind chimes speak. I will interpret what he is saying and then share that knowledge with my people. The downside to this, of course, is that a community filled with seven thousand wind chimes will probably get pretty fucking annoying. Man, I hate the sound of those things. Reminds me of old people, for some reason . . . So, on second thought, my religion will most likely worship trees. They have been around longer than humans, and they don’t even bother trying to communicate with us, which means they are super wise. The downside to this is that trees will be sacred, which means everyone will have to live in mud huts or some shit. However, I will be able to live in a giant hollowed-out tree because that is how I divine with the gods. Yeah, that’s a lot better than listening to wind chimes all day.
Putting Everything Together
Below are few examples of how you can put everything
together.
FORTUNE COOKIE WISDOM
As the head of your new religion, you’ll quickly find that there are real benefits to human sacrifice, as it’s a great way to get rid of people trying to usurp power. Ancient Mayans routinely practiced human sacrifice to appease their various gods and to commemorate the coronations of their leaders. In one such sacrificial ritual, they would paint a victim blue, cut under their breastbone with a flint knife, reach into the gaping hole they created, and extract the still-beating heart Indiana Jones style. After the event, the victim would be flayed and his skin turned into a cape, which the priest would wear while performing a ritual dance.
MATING POSTAPOCALYPSE
If you are planning to start a new society, there is going to have to be some funny business happening at the back of the cave when the sun goes down.
Today’s mating rituals are confusing and involve many factors, most of which I do not understand. Postapocalyptic mating rituals will be much more primal and focus on immediate survival. Personal hygiene will play a much smaller role in mating, which is good news for most of my readers. In addition, bow-staff skills will have a much greater relevance attached to them. But that doesn’t mean that all those Napoleon Dynamite losers will be able to get mates all of a sudden. Females will look for a big, strong, tough animal with good genetics that she can control enough to provide her and her young with food and shelter. Women will be attracted to a protector and a provider, plain and simple.
However, there will still be some similarities between pre-apocalyptic and postapocalyptic customs. For example, today women want a man with a nice house, and postapocalypse they will want a man with a nice shelter that doesn’t leak and is not too exposed to the wind and temperature changes. Today they want a man with a good job, and postapocalypse they will want a good hunter . . . Wow, now that I think about it, all those socially inept weirdos that never get women because the only women tough enough to stay with them are lesbians will be the most-prized bachelors. (You hear that, Erich? There is a chance for you.)
What will men be looking for postapocalypse? Well, in my opinion men should be looking for tough, strong women who are clean and healthy enough to avoid sickness and such. Women that have a little fat (ample ass and tits—okay, that sounds a little harsh when I actually see it on paper, but this doesn’t make it any less true) so they can survive during childbirth and the lean winter months. After all, when calories become scarce, it will be great to be fat—not to the point where you can’t move, but fat in the sense that you can’t see your abs. On second thought, men should probably simply look for any woman that doesn’t run from them. Oh, and doesn’t have a dirty baby maker.
THE ORIGINAL POWER GEL BY ANTHONY
Female patients often ask me if it is safe for them to swallow their husband’s ejaculate during oral sex. The answer is YES! In addition to being completely safe and great tasting (not based upon personal experience, but rather on thousands of hours of research conducted with loose women around the world), it is great for your health. Human male ejaculate is only 10 percent sperm. Among other things, it contains vitamin C (which boosts your immune system), calcium (which makes you grow strong bones), protein (helps you build muscles), zinc (helps prevent a number of health problems), and fructose sugar (a nice energy boost to start your day). If you are still skeptical, I understand completely, but at the very least it can serve as an excellent exfoliant. Ancient Egyptian women routinely allowed their men to blow on their face, and they were renowned for having nice skin.
If you shy away from swallowing because you think it tastes icky, just have your man drink pineapple juice and eat fresh fruit a few days prior to your journey south. This won’t make his jizz taste like a lollipop, but it should calm your gag reflex. Seriously, swallowing a mouth load of jizz is a very healthy, natural thing to do, and all women should get accustomed to doing it. It really isn’t that bad—just ask Bigger John.
Bigger John Gets a Taste of His Own Medicine
by Bigger JOHN
Back when I was twenty-seven, I was seeing a former dancer from the Athens area, and she was giving me a blowjob in her parent’s house. She asked me to give her some kind of signal or sign to let her know when I was about to blow, but there was no way in hell I was going to do that. Well, I guess she felt the tide rising, and just as the volcano blew, she removed her lips from my pole. I of course let out a tremendous sigh of pleasure, and the next thing I know I have a mouthful of my own cum.
Now, the only reason I am telling this story is because I am sure it has happened to many men. And it is kinda manly knowing that I can blow a load that far—there ain’t no dribble dick here, son. But despite being impressed with my distance, I was totally grossed out. I ran to the bathroom, threw up several times, and then grabbed a random toothbrush on the counter and brushed my teeth. It was a pretty rough experience. But truth be told, it was the idea of it that grossed me out more than the actual taste.
POCKET PUSSY
Not one for political correctness, I am going to talk about a controversial topic—the pocket pussy. All men have tried to build one at some point in their life, and all men have experienced horrible repercussions due to their botched experiment (some men may have tried to build a pocket anus. I am not judging, but you are extremely homosexual). Men will be a lot more desperate postapocalypse due to the loss of the Internet, and to prevent them from attempting to construct makeshift devices out of old car parts and rusty nails, I have included a proven pocket pussy blueprint below. Trust me when I tell you this contraption was not designed in haste or developed in some pervert’s basement. It was masterminded by Alexander the Great himself, and passed down through the ages by the Freemasons. How did I come across this knowledge? . . . What travels in the moonlight by way of the eastern pass . . . enough said.
Supplies
• One latex glove.
• Three pieces of string, approximately twelve inches long.
• Lubricant: whatever is available. (Note: motor oil is precious and should not be used on your dick.)
• Towel.
• Water.
STEP 1 (TOWEL AND GLOVE SETUP): Fold your towel in half and then lay it on the ground. Make sure that the height of the towel is not shorter than your johnson. Next, place the glove at one end of the towel with the cuff approximately three to four inches outside of the towel.
HINT: Before rolling up the towel, you may want to wet it to make it feel more humanlike. Up to you.
STEP 2 (ROLLING THE TOWEL): Roll up the towel. When done properly, the cuff of the glove should protrude three or four inches from the end.
STEP 3 (FOLDING THE GLOVE): Fold the cuff of the glove over the towel. This is when the contraption will begin to resemble a vagina.
STEP 4 (TYING THE TOWEL): Place three strings approximately two to three inches apart across the towel. Next, tie the first string to the desired tightness or looseness.
STEP 5 (ADDING LUBRICANT): Tie the second two strings. Now that your pocket pussy is complete, add the desired amount of lubricant. Have fun!
NOTE: Make sure to remember to change gloves between uses. This pocket pussy is a onetime deal!
How to Make a Pocket Anus
See instructions above, just add shit.
DICK IN A BOX BY BIGGER JOHN
The sad truth is that when the apocalypse comes, there won’t be all that many women left, and so you’ll have to get comfortable sharing. Personally, I will not have a problem with this because I am the king of group sex. Unfortunately, it is not “the good kind.” In other words, it always ends up being me and two or three other dudes on one girl.
In 2006, I had ten different group sex situations go down, and for whatever reason, each time there was another man in the room. Now I need to make it very clear that I did not set it up this way—that’s just how the cookie crumbled. It got so bad there for a while that Adam Singer accused me of not being able to get hard unless there was another man watching.
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My whole deal is that I am a horny son of a bitch and want to get laid, and if there happens to be another guy around at the time, I am not going to let him get in the way. Luckily, all these little experiences I’ve had are going to help me when shit hits the fan. During the apocalypse, every sex situation will most likely be a group situation due the minimal number of women left on the planet, and I will be the first to jump into the mix. If you’re nervous about having this type of encounter, I can offer you some advice to make it a little easier.
First off, instead of seeing the other guys in the room as invading your turf, view them as teammates. Anytime you’re with a chick, you get nervous about something, such as if you are going to cum too fast or be able to get a stiff enough erection. But when there are other guys present, and you see them as your brothers, your friends, your teammates, they can offer moral support if anything should go wrong. They can provide you with the confidence you need to correct any problem you may be having and get back into the game.
When you acquire this mind-set, you don’t see a massive cock as a threat. You simply see it as more cock to get the job done. For example, when playing a game of football, you want the biggest linebackers possible. As long as you have the team mentality, the same thing goes with group sex.
Be Ready When the Sh*t Goes Down( A Survival Guide to the Apocalypse) Page 23
