It takes a bit to settle into the idea of the fact that we’re having a baby boy. To say that I’m feeling excited would be the understatement of a lifetime. On the way home, Aiden and I stop into a Whole Foods and pick up five quarts of ice cream. We debated whether we should get one large gallon, but couldn’t decide on the flavors. So, we finally split the difference and just got five different types. Rocky Road. Chocolate. Raspberry Dark Chocolate. Coffee. And strawberry vanilla swirl.
Though the day wasn’t particularly stressful or eventful, by the time we get home, I’m fully drained of energy. These days I seem to have very little energy altogether. Usually, I wake up tired and if I do anything at all, then my energy resources are depleted. Going to the doctor today and getting the news has left me completely exhausted.
“All I want to do is take a hot shower and then eat the entire quart of rocky road ice cream,” I say, walking to the elevator of the hotel.
“Oh, but I thought that you didn’t eat ice cream when it’s cold out?” Aiden jokes.
I roll my eyes at him. “That’s why I’m going to take a hot shower first. So, I’m warm before I have something so cold.”
Though it’s early afternoon, I have the whole day planned out. Nothing but my pajamas, Netflix, and ice cream. If I feel sick to my stomach, I may have a salad. Maybe.
Unfortunately, life has other plans. As soon as we get back to the suite, Thurston shows up, the attorney who got me out on bail. He’s acting like my main counsel until we figure everything out a little more.
“So, what’s going on?” Aiden asks.
“Well, I talked to the DA. Things are a bit up in the air,” he says in his monotone voice. There is no expression on his face so I have no idea if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
Probably sensing my confusion, he explains further.
“Things could be better,” he says. “They have your online journal where you say that you want to kill Blake. That’s what is making the DA’s office think that maybe this wasn’t self-defense.”
“But it was—“ I start to say. He cuts me off.
“I know. I think the best thing we can do is to have a little sit-down with him. He knows that you have representation. And typically the best thing to do is to not talk to the DA. But I really want to prevent this from going to trial, if at all possible.”
“Is that possible?” Aiden asks.
Thurston nods. “I think so. Ellie…is as close to a perfect client as you can get. You are law abiding, you went to an Ivy League school. You pay your taxes. Yes, you write fiction, sometimes it’s a bit erotic. But this is America. Nothing illegal about that.”
“So, you don’t think the jury would take it the wrong way? Would think I’m a terrible person because of that?” I ask.
“I don’t know what the jury would think. My goal is to prevent that from happening,” Thurston says. “That’s why I want you to meet with the DA. I need him to see you as a full person. I really cannot let this go to trial.”
“Just curious,” I say. “What if it does?”
“Well, it’s not good. The problem with trials is that they are completely unpredictable. You just never know when you’re going to have that one jury member who decides to sway the rest in one direction, or holds out on everyone. And the thing is that district attorneys rarely take things to trial unless they are certain of a guilty verdict. So, it’s my job to do everything in my power to prevent that from happening.”
My throat clenches up from fear. A million what-if questions start to ruminate around my head. What if the DA cannot be swayed? What if he hates me the way Bill Whitney did, for no reason whatsoever? What if this does go to trial? What if they convict me?
Sensing my turmoil, Thurston puts his hand on mine. “Please don’t worry. Everything is going to be okay. I’m going to schedule a sit-down with the DA and we’re going to get all of this worked out.”
Chapter 35 - Ellie
When we break the rules…
I shouldn’t go see her. I am not allowed to leave the state of Massachusetts. But the problem is that I am not so sure if I will ever leave this state. Nothing is figured out yet with the lawyers. We’re still waiting to see when I can get a meeting with the Assistant District Attorney and the main detective in charge. Thurston is trying to shield me from the truth, but I know that if they decide to take this to trial, who the hell knows what will happen. Thurston is trying to stay positive. Everything is going to be okay, he keeps saying. But I’m not so sure. And the closer it gets to the meeting, and possibly the trial, the worse it will be to go.
It’s not going to take long. Just a short trip there and back. It’s only to Connecticut. But I don’t have a car. And I can’t really rent one in my name if I don’t want anyone to find out about it. Yes, I mean anyone.
I don’t want Aiden to know. I don’t know what his reaction will be. But as that saying goes, it’s better to ask forgiveness than to ask permission. I have a feeling that he will not want me to go. I have a feeling that he will try to dissuade me. Convince me to stay. Tell me that I can go see her later. But neither of us know if this is actually the case. What if the meeting doesn’t go well? What if they take the case to trial? What if I’m convicted? Then I will never be able to stand by her gravesite and talk to her ever again.
Aiden has meetings all day. He is going to New York and then coming back late this evening. This is my opportunity.
“Are you sure you’re going to be okay here?” he asks.
“Yes, of course. I’ve got a bunch of shows lined up on Netflix and the fridge is full. My day is all set,” I lie. I feel a little bad about lying, but I’m just trying to protect him.
“Order some room service if you want a real meal,” he instructs.
“I will. I will,” I say. “Okay, go. Don’t you have to be at the airport soon?”
“You realize that it’s my plane, right?” he says, putting on his coat. “They’ll wait for me because I’m the only one going on it.”
“But don’t you have to be there by eleven for your meeting with the shareholders?” I ask.
“Yes, I do.” He hangs his head. “But maybe I can just postpone it? Don’t you need me here?”
He’s looking for an excuse to stay, but I can’t give him one. Instead, I give him a brief kiss on the cheek and shuffle him out the door.
As soon as I’m alone, I check my phone. Once again, I debate the pros and cons of renting a car. It would be much faster, of course, but the problem is that I have to give my name and credit card. There would be proof that would be too easy for someone to find. Now, if I take a bus or a train, then it would be much harder to spot me. I use cash to pay for my ticket and, though they could find me on the surveillance footage at the terminal, there will be tons of people there so it’s pretty unlikely. The train ride is about $200, but it’s three hours shorter than the bus would be. So, train it is. The next train leaves in half an hour. If I hurry, I can make it.
I find a seat in the back of the train car, next to the window. I would love to spend the day lying around in bed watching Netflix and doing absolutely nothing useful, but this is the only day that Aiden is going away. The last thing I want is for him to get involved with this. I’m breaking the rules of my bail and, if I get caught…No, I can’t even think like that. Getting caught means that I would have to spend the rest of the time waiting for trial in jail. My heart sinks. What the hell am I doing? If you get caught then you’ll lose everything.
For a second, I debate whether I should just get off at the next stop. Maybe this is stupid. But then my thoughts drift back to Caroline. She may not be here anymore, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t go see her. I’ve never visited anyone at a gravesite before, but I just know that I will feel her presence at hers. I close my eyes and drift off.
The next thing I know, I’m in Greenwich. I hail a cab and give him the address of the cemetery. Then I ask him to wait at the entrance with the meter running. He seems only
too happy to do that.
I remember exactly where she is buried and I head there directly. It’s starting to drizzle and I regret not bringing an umbrella.
“How could you come here without an umbrella?” I hear Caroline ask.
“How was I supposed to know it was going to rain?” I ask out loud.
“Um, you could’ve checked the weather. Duh,” she says.
“Hey, listen, I’m not the type to always carry an umbrella. Mainly, because I know that I won’t melt into the ground if I get a little wet.”
No matter where she went, no matter the time of year, Caroline always carried a little umbrella in her purse. Her hair was of absolute importance. She absolutely hated getting wet and refused to buy one of those little cheap umbrellas that vendors sold on the streets once it started to rain.
Finally, I get to her grave. It’s a simple gravestone with her name, Caroline Elizabeth Kennedy Spruce, and her birthdate. Underneath it says, Beloved Daughter.
She was so much more than just a daughter. I’m sure that her parents loved her and she loved them, but they were not very close. And yet, in death, that is all she seems to be. I guess you can’t put ‘best friend and a girl who loved nothing more than to have a good time’ on a slab of rock.
Chapter 36 - Ellie
When I go to see her…
I stare at the gravesite, watching raindrops collide with it. What I would give for an umbrella right now, so I could shield her headstone.
“Hi, Caroline,” I say quietly. “I know what you would say right now. What the hell am I doing here in the middle of a rainstorm? Well, you see it’s either now or never. I don’t really know what’s going to happen with my arrest. I might be going away for a long time. A very long time.”
Just saying those words out loud sends shivers through my body. I shudder and wrap my hands stronger around my shoulders.
“The thing is that I wanted to come here and tell you something,” I continue. “You were my best friend. No, you are my best friend. There’s no one else like you. So, as soon as I heard, I knew that I had to tell you.”
I take a deep breath.
“Caroline, I’m having a baby. A little boy.”
The words hang in the air above us as I choke up over my tears.
“I know you weren’t much into kids, at least that’s what you always said. And that’s what I said as well. But it’s really different now that I’m the one who is pregnant. And I know deep in my heart that if you were here right now, you would feel different about kids, too, knowing that your best friend was having one.”
I take a deep breath and wipe some of the tears. But more quickly take their place.
“I want you to be the godmother of my baby. I know that you are not particularly religious and neither am I. But to me, having a godmother means that there’s always someone out there that loves my child as much as I do. And I want you to be his godmother…even if you are not around anymore.”
My nose is running along with my eyes and it’s all mixing with the raindrops thundering on me from the sky.
“Will you be his godmother, Caroline?” I ask. I wait for her to respond even though I know that it’s stupid and futile. And then, much to my surprise, a loud roar of thunder rolls in.
Yes, yes, the thunder says. And the sun peeks out slightly from behind the far away clouds.
“Thank you,” I whisper. “Now I know that my baby boy has someone to watch over him. You will be there for him no matter what.”
Another roar of thunder rolls through.
I wipe my tears and kneel down next to the headstone. I put my hand over her name.
Why did you leave me that note, Caroline? I ask, only this time, I don’t say it out loud. Why did you want me to know that it wasn’t an accidental overdose? Was that supposed to make me feel better about this whole thing? Like, it’s something you wanted? Well, I know you, Caroline. I know that this was not something you wanted. This was the last thing you wanted. That decision, it was just a spur of the moment thing. Something stupid. You didn’t really mean it. Did you?
And then it hits me.
“You wanted me to know how badly he had hurt you,” I say. “Didn’t you?”
A bolt of lightning flashes through the sky.
“You wanted me to know that it wasn’t an accident,” I say and another bolt strikes through the clouds above my head.
“The DA will be pressing charges against Tom,” I say. “He reached out to me. He will be pressing charges against him for what he did to you and I will testify on your behalf. I will tell them what happened that night, if it’s the last thing I do. I will testify even I have to do it from jail.”
Another bolt of lightning strikes and I bury my head in my hands and crouch further down, almost entirely onto the wet soggy ground. My shoes and the bottom of my pants sink further into the mud.
I don’t say anything else after that and I do not hear any more thunder or see any more lightning. As I walk back to the cab, I wonder if I am just a silly girl who talked to herself at that cemetery and all that ruckus that I heard was nothing but weather. Perhaps. Probably. At least that’s what my head says. But deep within my heart, I know the truth.
When I get to the cab, I tell the driver to take me back to the train station.
“Do you have a family member there?” he asks. I shrug and nod.
“Yep,” I say. It’s not a lie at all. Caroline is like family to me.
“I’m sorry about that. Did they die young?”
“Yes, very young. She was my age.”
“That’s horrible,” the cab driver says. We sit in silence for a while. There’s something about the topic of death that makes it impossible to take the conversation further. If I don’t explain who died and why, it’s too uncomfortable for the other person to continue pressing the issue.
The rain clears up a bit on the short drive back. I look at my phone. A missed text from Aiden. He’s going to be back at the hotel a bit later than he thought. Good. That gives me a bit more time to get back.
A loud screeching of tires breaks my concentration. A strong forward momentum slams me into the plexiglass separation between the front seat and the back seat. Everything turns to black.
Chapter 37 - Ellie
When I realize what happened…
When I open my eyes, I find myself in a daze. There are red blinking lights everywhere around me. People are gathering and staring into the back seat. Someone opens my door and helps me out. My first thought is no, no, no. I shouldn’t be here. And all of these people should not know that I’m here.
“Are you okay, miss?” someone asks me. When I look up, I see that it’s the cab driver. I’ve only seen him from behind the wheel, so it’s kind of a surprise to see him in front of me. He is much taller than he seemed before.
“Miss, are you okay?” he asks again. I just realize that I haven’t responded to anyone for a while.
“Yes, I think so,” I manage. He takes his hand and helps me up to my feet. I look around. The back of the car in front of us is all smashed in.
“What happened?” I ask.
“He got into my lane without using a turn signal and then stopped short!” my cab driver starts to rant. I immediately regret the fact that I even asked.
The other driver responds with a completely different story and they start to bicker. Okay, Ellie. Think. You are still in Connecticut. You need to get to your train. It’s a long ride back.
“Well, the cops will be here soon.” I hear my cab driver say. My heart sinks. The cops! No. I can’t have the cops taking down my name or anything else.
“Listen, I have to go. I have a train to catch,” I say.
“No, you can't go.”
“Yes, I can. The train station isn’t far from here.”
“I need you as an alibi. You have to give your testimony.”
That’s the last thing I intend to do.
“I didn’t see anything,” I say. “Honest. I was l
ooking through my phone and just felt the impact.”
“Well, you don’t have to say that,” he says with a wink.
“Oh, no, no, no. You are not going to coerce her into lying,” the other driver butts in and they start to yell at each other again. I use this opportunity to quietly walk away from the scene. I walk across two lanes of traffic and take the next exit off the highway.
Unfortunately, I am still quite far away from the train station. It didn’t look that far on my phone, but then I realize that was the driving time. It’s definitely too far to walk.
Okay, what to do. I look around the quiet suburban street. Nothing but SUVs and two-car garages everywhere. This isn’t New York. There’s no way that I’m going to be hailing a cab around here any time soon. And this is not exactly the type of neighborhood where there’s a bus stop anywhere nearby. No, my only option for getting to the train station on time is to get a ride share. Uber or Lyft. I turn on my phone and click on the app. I know that it’s possible for them to track me here, but I’m not really sure if it makes sense to keep all of this a secret anymore. Still, it’s best if I’m the one who comes forward with this. The last thing I need is to get caught across state lines without a particularly good explanation.
The rest of the trip is pretty uneventful. I manage to take the train that’s only half an hour later than the one I planned to take and I will be back at the hotel way ahead of Aiden. Grabbing a seat by the window, I start to obsess about my options. One option is that I don’t tell anyone about my visit. No one has to know, right? Well, that would’ve been the way to go before the accident. I bought my train ticket with cash. I took a cab. Again, paying in cash. All of these things ensured very little possibility of tracking. But now that I was in an accident, everything is different. I had to take a ride share to get to the train station. That means there’s a record of me paying for an Uber using my phone in Connecticut. The app doesn’t accept cash and everyone’s names are visible and recorded. Of course, just because this information exists, it doesn’t mean that the DA in Boston or in New York has to find out about it. But it does mean that I won’t have a good explanation for any of it if by some crazy chance they do.
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