And if I was being perfectly honest…I still hadn’t been able to free the chains around my heart, left there by someone I wished would stay in the past. That traumatic incident—having my heart ripped out and shredded to pieces—also played on a constant loop in my mind.
“Well, I better go,” I sighed, leaning closer against his chest. I was reluctant to leave, reluctant to face the shadows of my heart once again. I was afraid to see Braden Miller in what I perceived was a weakened mental state. I was terrified that seeing him again would only solidify all the things I knew in my heart I was missing.
“I love you, Elle,” Alex said, framing my face with his hands.
My words got caught in my throat, and I gaped at him, unable to utter the words back. This was the first time he’d said it, and it caught me completely off guard. It seemed too soon...too wrong. He didn’t seem to mind my silence. He lowered his lips to mine and kissed me tenderly.
Alex knew that I was guarding my heart, he knew why, and he was patiently waiting for the day I’d let him in. But he never pushed; he never made demands of me. He never fought—not with me, not with the ghosts of my past. Sometimes, I hated that. I wanted him to fight.
I kissed him back, responding physically in the ways I couldn’t emotionally. I arched my body against him, feeling his erection pressing against my pelvis. He groaned, pulling me closer to him. “Do you have to leave right now?” he murmured, his eyes roaming my face.
A soft sigh escaped my lips. Alex forever sought permission. He didn’t let himself get possessed with desire. He didn’t ever take me roughly, caught in the throes of passion. He was steady and calm, even with his love making. That wasn’t to say he was a bad lover—he was very attentive, but if I wanted spontaneous, I had to take the lead.
“Mom’s expecting me for lunch,” I responded, turning away from him to finish zipping up my suitcase. I willed him to grab me, to press himself against me and make his desire for me known, but Alex was respectful. He would never want to make me late for an engagement. But maybe it was for the best, I was still reeling from his confession.
“Okay,” he said, reaching around me to grab my suitcase and carry it out to my car. I popped the trunk open and he set it in before he walked back over to me. He kissed me briefly, giving me a slow smile. “Call me when you get there?”
“I will,” I told him, my lips brushing against his one final time before I climbed in behind the wheel. The moment I pulled away, I felt relief wash over me—and that relief made me feel guilty.
The drive from Barrie to Parry Sound took the usual hour and twenty minutes. An hour and twenty minutes that I tried to fill with music and excitement for my best friend, Tessa’s, upcoming wedding, and not the tormented thoughts of who would also be in attendance…
Braden Miller.
The truth was, ever since Tessa had announced her engagement to Braden’s older brother, I’d been thinking a lot about him.
Braden was my first love. I’d fallen for him in high school, at the beginning of grade ten. He’d been just a little dangerous and reckless, that cocky, self-assured grin daring me to give him a chance. I’d given him every piece of myself so completely and so willingly.
Our chemistry had always been explosive; he had never been able to keep his hands off my body. When Braden wanted me, he found a way to have me. He was intense, passionate, and temperamental, but he also loved me so completely, in a way that made everything else pale in comparison.
It took a while for him to let me in, but once he did…I truly thought I’d found my forever. It was an incredible, all-encompassing thing to be loved by Braden.
Everything changed when his mom got sick. Something in him broke. I tried to be there for him, but he wouldn’t let me. He pushed me away and he broke my heart in the process.
I’d spent years trying to understand, trying to forgive so that I could move on. I was almost there, too, but then Tessa announced her engagement and the dreams started. I would dream of Braden’s touch and wake up craving his hands on my skin. Nothing satisfied this primal need, and these dreams left me in a perpetual state of wanton frustration. I tried so hard to forget the dreams, but they started leaking into my conscious thoughts too.
Sometimes, I wondered if I threw myself into a relationship with Alex to escape those visions. Actually, that was a lie. I knew I did—I dove in because I was afraid of being alone. I wanted a dependable, functional relationship. I wanted to feel like I had finally moved on.
And it worked, for a while at least. I enjoyed spending time with Alex, I loved that I had strong arms to hold me tight in the night…but then, my life changed and I became acutely aware that something was missing. Haunted with a perpetual loop of all of my life’s worst moments, I started to compare every word, every touch, every action. And I would hate myself for it. Alex was a good man, he cared about me and he’d never hurt me, and yet I was aching for the man that had destroyed my tender heart, a man I hadn’t seen in years—save for once at the announcement dinner.
All he did that night was stare at me. He gave no apologizes, no words were spoken.
I pushed Braden from my mind as I turned onto the old dusty driveway that led up to the small farmhouse I’d grown up in.
It hadn’t been a working farm in decades, not like the farm Tessa had grown up on down the lane. Like the Armstrong’s farm, our farm had been in my mom’s family for centuries. When my maternal grandparents passed away, they left the house and land to my mom. Mom knew her way around the farm and how to run it, but it was a lot of land to upkeep so she ended up renting out fields to Tessa’s dad.
We’d never had animals, except for a couple of cats and a dog when I was little, but this house held a lot of happy memories for me. It sucked that a lot of them included Braden, but I was going to need to get over that…somehow.
Mom came down the front porch steps as I pulled up. I’d barely killed the ignition before she was opening my door and pulling me out for a huge hug. “Elle,” she said into my hair. “Look at how skinny you are! Are you still eating that Mr. Noodles crap?”
“Not all the time,” I laughed. “I’ve just got a job that constantly keeps me on my feet and running.” As soon as the words fell out of my mouth, I regretted them. I still hadn’t been able to tell her.
“That you do,” Mom’s eyes narrowed at the reminder of my job.
She constantly worried about me and my chosen profession, even if she never verbalized her worries. Her method of coping was to redirect conversation away from it. It was exactly why I hadn’t been able to tell her about the struggles I’d faced lately. I didn’t want to justify her worries. I didn’t want her thinking any less of me for not being able to handle it.
“Well, come on in. I’ve got lunch set out. I take it that Tessa will be commandeering your attentions soon?”
“I’m surprised she isn’t here already,” I remarked, following Mom up the worn wooden steps. I purposely avoided looking at the old porch swing. Braden and I had spent many nights curled up on it, star gazing and kissing and talking about the future. “She’s been calling me every day in a panic.”
“Planning a wedding isn’t fun,” Mom chuckled, shaking her head.
My mother had been married once, a long time ago. Twenty-two years ago, to be exact, to the man who had fathered me. He’d left shortly after I was born, after realizing that the domestic family life just wasn’t his cup of tea. I hadn’t heard from him since, and neither had Mom. I really don’t know if she searched for him, after he left. We never spoke about it.
My mom was strong, vibrant, and independent…but I couldn’t help but wonder how deep her scars were, even if she insisted she was happy.
I bit my lip, holding back the questions I had. Now wasn’t the time to get into such a heavy discussion. Instead, I pulled my hair away from the nape of my neck. My skin was already sticky with sweat from the late June heat.
“I know. I have to help her meet with the florist and the baker
to make sure that everything is the way Tessa wants it to be,” I said.
She’d narrowed down her selections a lot during the last several months, but was still incredibly indecisive. Tessa was pretty lax, but this wedding stuff was driving her crazy and she couldn’t wait for it to be over. In hindsight, I couldn’t either…although I worried what would be next for me. Helping Tessa was a welcome distraction from dealing with the mess I’d made of my work and personal life.
“Plus the Parry Sound Stampede is coming up,” Mom reminded me with a wink.
“Oh shit,” I frowned.
“Language,” she warned me, arching a brow as she led the way into the kitchen.
“Sorry Mom,” I sighed, my eyes taking in everything around me. Nothing had changed. Everything was still in the same place it had always been. It was like stepping back in time.
I hoped that not everything in this town felt that way.
* * *
After finishing lunch with Mom, I headed upstairs to my old bedroom to unpack. I wasn’t expecting to be hit with such nostalgia. I’d been home since the break-up, of course. Mom and I still went to the Armstrongs’ for Christmas dinner, as we had for years, and my bedroom always felt like a time capsule but this time…it felt different. More torturous and forlorn.
I sat down on the faded pink quilt on my bed, hugging a pillow to my chest, and inhaled deeply.
The sound of voices drifted up the stairwell, along with the hollow steps of someone climbing the old stairs. Tessa appeared in my doorway a moment later, peering in at me. Her long, honey blonde hair hung down her back in waves, and she was wearing her signature cowboy boots and a cute little sundress. She looked like warmth and light. She radiated it, in fact.
“Do you have some kind of tracking device installed in me that I should know about?” I joked, raising an eyebrow and suppressing a smile. Just being in her presence again had me feeling more at peace than I’d felt in months.
Tessa grinned, propelling her body forward and diving beside me on my bed. She threw her arms around me and squeezed me tightly. “I’m sorry; I couldn’t wait to see you! I missed you!”
“I missed you too,” I told her, laughing. It hadn’t really been all that long since the last time Tessa and I had seen each other. Just two weeks ago, we’d gone shopping for bridesmaid dresses and had lunch. Before she moved away, we hadn’t gone more than a day without seeing each other since we were very small. We liked to joke that we were sisters from another mister.
“I’m so glad you’re here,” she sighed, her blonde hair fanning out on my pillow as she leaned back. “There’s so much to do still.” She sounded almost hopeless, as if she thought she would never accomplish everything.
“Relax, we’ll get it done,” I assured her, stretching. I was suddenly overcome with exhaustion.
Tessa rolled over to face me, her amber eyes carefully assessing me. “How’s Alex?”
“He’s fine,” I shrugged.
“He’s not at all worried that you’re in town for the next month?” she prodded, arching a brow, her eyes never leaving my face. “By the way, how’d you swing that?”
“Why would he be?” I shot back, giving her a hard look and avoiding her second question. I still hadn’t told Tessa the real reason why I was back home on ‘vacation’, and frankly…I wasn’t ready to talk about it.
“Because…Braden’s back in town. You’ll be spending a lot of time with him over the next few weeks. He is the best man—you guys will be walking down the aisle together and stuff.” Tessa’s eyes had a strange glint to them, and it made me nervous and more than a little cranky. The prospect of touching him again did strange things to me. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to take his arm without popping him in the nose first.
“Alex has nothing to worry about. There’s nothing between Braden and me, and there will continue to be nothing between us. I’m only tolerating his existence because of your wedding.” I frowned.
“Well, hopefully you can tolerate his existence tonight. We’re going out for some beers with the girls—and knowing the guys, they'll probably show up at some point.”
“What, why?!” I demanded, trying to keep the panic out of my voice without much success.
“Why not?” Tessa inquired innocently. She bent her legs and crossed one over the other, her right foot bouncing up and down. “There’s only a month until the wedding. I know you’ve been super busy with work and Alex but the bachelorette party…”
“Relax, Tessa,” I rolled my eyes dramatically and sat up. “Do you think I haven’t been planning for that? Because I have. It’s planned.”
“I know,” Tessa said gently. “But you haven’t really had a chance to talk to any of the other bridesmaids. The girls are kind of in the dark.”
I felt a surge of guilt. She was right, I hadn’t really been in contact with the others, not since we’d all gone dress shopping. I found it difficult to speak to Becky. When I was with Braden, I was a part of the Millers’ lives, of Becky and Aiden’s life. They’d welcomed me in with open arms and we’d became close. When Braden broke up with me, I felt like I had lost them too. I was no longer Braden’s girlfriend, but Braden’s ex-girlfriend. It made things incredibly awkward between Becky and me.
As for Krista, well. I hadn’t really had much to say to her in the last several years either. I’d found out months afterwards that Joanna had been the backstabbing bitch to make out with my boyfriend, Braden, and Krista hadn’t even had the decency to tell me and she had been there. No, I’d had to beg and plead with Tessa to tell me. I told her I needed to know, because I had needed to know. I had hoped that hearing the truth would finally break the hold that Braden had on me.
Instead, I’d lost two friends and became even more bitter and jaded.
But I was going to have to deal with all of that. I couldn’t put it off any longer, Tessa was right—her wedding was approaching quickly and we still had a lot of planning to do. The bachelorette party was scheduled for a Saturday night. We were headed to Toronto to hit up three of the best clubs, capping the night off at a male strip club. I’d already booked the hotel room and the limo.
“Alright, where are we going?” I sighed, feeling guilty for having put this off for so long.
“Just to O’Riley’s,” Tessa responded. “But first, I need to go to Walmart and see if they have any mason jars. Want to come?”
“Why do you need mason jars?” I asked, confused.
“For the centerpieces, remember?” Tessa looked hurt. “I sent you the Pinterest board…”
“Crap, right sorry. I was half asleep when I looked at it,” I apologized, feeling like the world’s worst maid of honor. I’d really dropped the ball in recent months. I pasted a smile on my face, offering my hand out to her. “Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s go!”
* * *
Four and a half hours later, we were sitting at a booth in O’Riley’s, sipping beer and sharing a plate of nachos while Tessa went over her ideas for the centerpieces. She had a mason jar in front of her and some pamphlets from the florist. Krista, Becky, and Katie sat across from us, pouring over the pamphlets and cooing over Tessa’s choices.
“We’ll get together the night before the wedding to set up the centerpieces,” she was saying, looking at each of us in turn to make sure we were paying attention. “The guys will set up the linens and chairs.”
Tessa had chosen to have an outdoor wedding at her family’s farm. She’d rented a large tent for the dinner and reception, and the ceremony would take place in one of the fields near the woods. Tessa had stayed true to her word and had only invited fifty guests. She’d wanted to keep the details of her wedding hush-hush, because Travis Channing was a part of her wedding party. He was a headlining country star and he was going to sing the first dance song for Brock and Tessa. The last thing anybody wanted was that detail leaking.
“Your wedding is going to be so amazing, Tessa,” Krista said, her eyes shining with approval. I exhaled, n
odding in agreement. It was going to be beautiful, no doubt about that.
“Thanks!” Tessa grinned, her entire face shining with excitement. “I can’t wait. I’m so thankful you guys are helping me. Balancing work stuff with wedding planning is insane…sometimes I think we should have just eloped.”
“Your dad would have never gone for that,” I scoffed. “You’re the only daughter, he has to walk you down the aisle. Besides, at least you're getting it out of the way before vet school. Imagine trying to balance all that studying with wedding planning!”
“I know.” Tessa exhaled with relief. She grabbed my hand and laced her fingers with mine. She squeezed gently and smiled at me. “But still, it’s a headache and I'm glad you're here.”
“Where are you and Brock going to live once you get hitched?” Krista asked before grabbing a nacho off the plate and dipping it in salsa.
“We'll spend the rest of the summer at the cabin, then we're moving into an apartment in Guelph,” Tessa answered, turning her attention back to Krista. “Brock is still working in Alberta, so he’s gone for a month at a time anyway.”
“So glamorous,” Krista’s eyes were bright with longing. “I wish I could get out of this stinking town. Living in the city will be so fun! You'll have to invite us out for a monthly girls night!”
Tessa gave her a small smile, the discomfort evident on her face. I knew how much she was worried about this move. Country ran in Tessa's blood, and she'd had a difficult time adjusting to Barrie—and Barrie was a far stretch from living in Guelph. But it was one of the best vet schools in Ontario, and Tessa was determined to finish her schooling. I knew without a doubt that Tessa and Brock would return to Parry Sound and make it their home. “Well, I have to pee, I’ll be right back!” she said. I stood up, standing aside so that she could slide out of the booth.
Katie, Becky, Krista and I watched as she disappeared. For a Monday night, O’Riley’s was pretty jammed. But more people meant more voices and more privacy.
Rebel Heart: (Rebel Series Book 2) ((Rebel Series)) Page 6
