We sat like that throughout the entire tractor pull. Sometimes, I could feel Braden’s eyes on me, staring at us. I knew he was watching to see how I acted with Alex. I knew that he was reading every single gesture, every single movement I made and it pissed me off.
When the tractor pull ended, I grabbed Alex’s hand after saying a quick general goodbye and led him down the stands, searching for my mom. “Don’t you want to stay and go on some rides or something?” Alex asked once we’d stepped off the stands.
I turned and stepped into him, looking him in the eyes. “Rides aren’t really my thing—at least not carnival rides. I figured we could go back to my mom’s and hang out…maybe watch a movie, or something?”
The concern that showed in Alex’s eyes ebbed and he smiled. “Sure, that sounds fun too.” He angled his head down to kiss me, his lips brushing softly against mine. I stupidly chose that moment to look up, my eyes locking with Braden’s.
At first, he looked hurt. But a moment after our eyes locked, when Alex kissed me, Braden broke into a knowing smile. It was as if he was saying “gotcha”.
* * *
The next morning, I awoke to the smell of bacon and eggs. Voices floated up the stairs and through my bedroom door, which I’d left open a crack last night when I went to bed. Part of me had hoped that Alex would break my mother’s “no males upstairs” rule and sneak up to see me, but he didn’t. Alex was forever respectful. He wasn’t a risk taker.
Unlike Braden. When Braden had spent the night on the couch, he’d always snuck upstairs after my mom passed out—he had been very practiced in avoiding the creaky parts on the stairs.
Stop comparing, I scolded myself. I ran my hand through my tangled hair, kicked off my blankets and made my way downstairs.
Scrambled eggs, bacon, English muffins, and orange juice were all laid out on the table when I walked into the kitchen. “Good morning,” Alex grinned, approaching me with a cup of coffee fixed just the way I liked it. I accepted it with a small smile, and he kissed me on the cheek before gesturing to the table. “Are you hungry?”
I nodded tiredly and sat down—after all, the call of bacon was too hard to resist. “How long have you guys been up for?”
“Two hours or so,” Mom shrugged. She was always an early riser—me, not so much. I’d choose sleep over waking up early any day. I spooned some eggs onto my plate and loaded up on the bacon, reaching for a slice of buttered toast. Alex and Mom started eating too, the only sounds in the kitchen the occasional scraping of forks and knives against plates. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Mom and Alex exchanging looks with one another.
“Okay seriously, what’s going on?” I demanded, halfway through my breakfast and more than annoyed at the strange atmosphere. They looked at each other again, something passing between the two of them.
“I was just telling Alex about the events at the fairgrounds today,” Mom finally answered, taking a sip of her coffee, meeting my eyes with a challenge. “Tessa’s jumping competition, for one. It starts in a couple of hours and I know she’d love to see you both there. Plus, there’s the concert tonight.”
“I still can’t believe that you know Travis Channing. And the smash-up derby, how come you didn’t mention that earlier?” Alex added with a grin, shaking his head ruefully.
Because I didn’t want you to go, the little voice in my head answered. I took a sip of my coffee, buying myself some time while my heart hammered loudly in my chest. I knew that Braden was going to be in it—he always was. “I don’t know, it’s kind of lame.”
“Your mom said it was one of your favourite events,” Alex remarked.
I sent a dirty look to my mom. She was traitor if I ever did see one. “Fine, we can go if you really want to. But honestly, it was more exciting when I was in high school.”
“I’ll be the judge of that,” Alex said with a wicked grin.
“Go on and get ready Elle, I’ll keep him company,” Mom said.
With an exasperated huff, I padded upstairs to the bathroom and turned on the shower. As I washed my hair, I thought about the night before and Braden’s face when he’d told Alex that I didn’t like surprises. It was true; I didn’t. At least not that kind of surprise.
I felt like I was two different people. The Elle that Braden knew—the Elle that I was underneath it all—and the Elle that Alex knew…the Elle that I thought I was supposed to be. They both understood me in different ways—Alex knew the demands of the job we both shared, and he knew how it affected me emotionally. He also understood my reservations about love and trust. But Braden…Braden knew how I ticked. He knew how I was built. He knew how I loved and how I fought and how I rebelled at the thought of what I was supposed to do. Even when I was angry with him, even when I was avoiding him…I felt more like myself when I was around Braden than I did when I was around Alex.
When the hot water disappeared, I finally turned off the shower and stepped out. I took a long time getting ready; mainly because I just wanted to be by myself for a while. I dressed in a pair of my favourite jean shorts, a white tank top, and a plaid blouse. I paired it with my cowboy boots and blew out my hair.
“Are you just about ready, Elle?” Mom hollered from the front foyer. “I swear, that girl takes forever to get ready for anything. She’d be late for her own funeral,” I heard her add to Alex. He laughed in fond agreement, and I rolled my eyes. “This time, you two can drive yourselves,” Mom told me when I finally walked down the stairs.
“Why?” I asked, crossing my arms in front of my chest defiantly. “Got a hot date after?” Mom blushed a little and my jaw dropped open. “Oh my God, you do have a hot date! Details, now.”
“If by hot date you mean a trip to the grocery store and an afternoon of chili making, then yes Elle…I have a hot date,” Mom replied.
“Are you going to want some help?” I asked, practically hopping at the change to avoid the smash-up derby.
“Don’t think I’ve forgotten about your disastrous use of salt,” Mom responded, shaking her head with a smile. “Cooking really isn’t Elle’s strong suit,” she added to Alex. “Keep her distracted and out of the house for me, and that’ll be more than enough help.”
“Come on,” Alex said to me, shaking his head with a smile.
* * *
“Does she compete every year?” Alex asked as we sat in the stands again, this time for the horse jumping competition—and this time without the Miller’s.
“Yep,” I answered, taking a bite of the pretzel he’d bought me. “She usually wins, too.”
“Cool. Did you ever compete in any of these events?” Alex looked at me, a grin on his lips. His hazel eyes assessed me with reverence.
“Nope,” I said, my lips popping to accent the word. “My mom wanted me to try out for Miss North.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a beauty pageant,” Mom cut in, leaning forward to see Alex. She’d met up with us at the stadium to watch Tessa jump. “It’s just a fun little thing we do around here.”
“Unfortunately, I didn’t fit the requirements. You must be ‘of good moral character and personality’.” I said dryly.
“And what, you don’t have good moral character and personality?” Alex grinned, entertained.
“Elle was a trouble maker, and she was quite loud about it,” Mom said. I shrugged my shoulders, not disputing the fact. “I was Miss North two years running—until Tessa’s mom won it and broke my record.” Mom added with a chuckle.
“So you and Tessa’s mom were beauty pageant rivals then?” Alex asked, his eyebrows drawing together.
“No, the opposite. They were the best of friends. Inseparable,” I explained patiently, a subtle smile on my lips. I still felt weird about having Alex in town, but I was content to fill the voids of silence with conversation—so long as that conversation wasn’t pertaining to my complicated feelings that I’d yet to make sense of.
“Sounds a lot like you and Tessa,” he remarked, pulli
ng me closer to him.
“They are definitely inseparable,” Mom laughed, shaking her head. “When they were growing up, you’d rarely see one without the other.”
“Let’s give a warm welcome to contestant twenty-five; Tessa Armstrong!” the announcer’s voice blasted over the speakers. Mom and I stood up to cheer for Tessa, our hoots and hollers loud and proud. I could see Tessa’s dad standing by the entry gate, a proud grin on his face. Alex stood up too, clapping along with us.
Once she’d trotted into the ring on Spirit, we sat down and watched the show. Tessa eased through the jumps in record time. She placed second, bested only by a younger horse’s two-second lead in speed.
After the show jumping competition ended, Alex and I went over the barns to see Tessa as she got Spirit prepped for the trailer while Mom took off to do her grocery shopping. “Hey,” Tessa said, smiling when she caught sight of us. “Glad you guys came today!”
“Wouldn’t have missed it,” I responded, stepping up to the beautiful palomino. I stroked his velvety nose and he whinnied at me. “You did good, old boy,” I told him. “And you were alright too, I guess.” I added, grinning at Tessa.
“You were awesome,” Alex said. “I wouldn’t even know what to do on a horse,” he chuckled. He was keeping his distance, standing several feet back.
“Thanks,” Tessa smiled. “You can pet him if you want, just hold your hand out and let him sniff you first. It’s the polite thing to do, after all.”
Alex stepped forward, holding his hand out for Spirit to sniff. Then he gave the side of Spirit’s face a tentative stroke. “He’s soft,” he remarked, as if surprised.
“Seriously, this is your first time around a horse?” I asked him, a small smile lifting the corners of my lips up.
“Yeah, well. Barrie’s more city-like than Parry Sound, not many people have horses. I played sports.” He shrugged, almost embarrassed.
“It’s alright,” Tessa told him. “Elle only knows how to handle them because she practically grew up on the farm with me and I always made her help me with my chores.” I stuck my tongue out at her jokingly and she gave me the finger. “Are you two going to actually stick around today, or will you be bailing again?”
“We’re sticking around,” Alex answered on behalf of the both of us. “I really want to see the smash-up derby and eat some disgusting carnival food.”
* * *
Tessa and Brock were perfect buffers to have hanging around. They lightened the mood and distracted me from my heavy, complicated thoughts. We had a great time wandering the fair and checking out all the different craft booths. Tessa even got me to go on a few rides.
I used to love carnival rides. Braden and I would ride every single one of them over and over again until I was so dizzy and disoriented that I couldn’t stand. There were so many memories with him and me at this fair that it hurt to be here with someone who wasn’t him.
Then it was time for the smash-up derby and the four of us made our way to the stadium. Brock caught sight of Braden and called out to him. He was standing near the stadium entrance, waiting with the other drivers while the judges inspected the cars. He was dressed in his regular uniform of torn jeans and a black t-shirt that amplified his broader chest and the muscles in his arms. The scruff along his jaw was every bit as enticing as the call of his eyes as they landed on me. His gaze dropped to my hand in Alex’s and his jaw clenched. He turned around to say something to Ezra Johnson.
“Oh my God, Ezra! I haven’t seen you in forever!” I squealed, tugging my hand free and practically flying at him. He walked a few steps towards me before his arms wrapped around me in a hug. Picking me up, he spun around twice before releasing me. Ezra may have been Braden’s best friend first, but he and I grew close when I started dating Braden. He was lovable and loyal, and for a while…I’d tried to push him towards Tessa.
“I know!” he exclaimed, grinning at me. “Maybe if you came home more often…” he was joking, but his words still made me feel guilty. He was right, after all.
“Yeah well, you know how it is. I got busy with college and then working,” I shrugged, keeping my smile in place. “This is Alex, my boyfriend.”
“Nice to meet you,” Ezra said politely, shaking Alex’s hand.
“What have you been up to lately?!” I added, trying to ignore the fact that Braden’s eyes remained glued to me.
“Working as well. I scored a union job,” Ezra answered proudly.
“So basically, he works twice a week,” Braden joked from just behind us. His eyes landed on me again, and his amused smile faded slightly.
“You won’t be cracking jokes when I kick your ass in the derby, Braden.” Ezra arched a brow.
“You wish,” Braden smirked, shaking his head.
The announcer’s voice poured from the speakers, telling the crowd that the smash-up derby was about to begin and asking the drivers to enter the ring.
We wished them luck and made our way to the stands to find a seat. I tried to keep my eyes on Braden’s Honda, but the sickening sound of metal crunching against metal had my heart pounding frantically in my chest. I inhaled sharply, trying to keep my breathing steady even though it felt as if my airway was closing.
I squeezed my eyelids shut, and all I could see was every car accident I’d been called out to as a paramedic—only in place of those victims, I saw Braden’s face. Bloodied and bruised, his eyes lifeless as he looked up at me. Soon, I was gasping for air, my heart pounding frantically in my chest. Alex placed his hands on either side of my face and told me to breathe. “It’s okay, Elle. Just breathe,” he said. I opened my eyes, fixing them on his face, and tried to focus on his gentle touch. He brushed away the tears with his thumbs. My body was trembling out of control, and despite Alex’s calm voice—I just couldn’t get my breathing under control.
Tessa was suddenly kneeling before me, concern lining her features. “What can I do?” I heard her ask Alex, but she sounded far away to my ears. I could scarcely hear over the roar of my blood.
“I’m just going to get her out of here. I think the derby is triggering her panic attack,” I heard Alex answer. He tugged me up and carefully led me away from the stands. My eyes were pulled over to the stadium again—the first round had ended and Braden was getting out of his car, his eyes locked on me.
Braden
I’d made it through the first round, but struggled to keep my focus for the second round. I couldn’t get Elle’s tear streaked face out of my mind. I had no idea why she was crying, no idea where that Alex asshole had taken her, and I was desperate to find out.
Needless to say, I wasn’t all that disappointed that I didn’t make it through the second round. My thoughts were occupied with Elle, and I immediately started searching for Brock and Tessa. I found them waiting near the stadium entrance, as if they’d known I’d go looking for them and wanted to make it easy. “Where’d she go?” I demanded, my eyes narrowed with anger. “What happened?”
Tessa exchanged a look with Brock. “She had a panic attack,” she finally answered, returning her gaze to me. Her eyes were sad and worried.
“A panic attack?” I repeated, the words sounding unfamiliar in my mouth. I’d never known Elle to have a panic attack in all the years I’d known her. “Why?”
“It’s not my place to tell you why,” Tessa said, giving me a sharp look. “It’s up to Elle if she wants to tell you why.”
“Where is she?” I almost growled, aggravated. My fists clenched and unclenched, itching to punch her boyfriend in his overly squared jaw. Of course I blamed him—Elle had never had panic attacks when she was with me. He had to have done something to cause it.
Tessa looked hopelessly towards Brock for help. “Braden, relax,” my brother said, stepping forward and placing his heavy hand on my shoulder, grounding me. “She’s safe with Alex.”
“The hell she is. She’s safer with me,” I blurted out, angry. I was pissed that I wasn’t the one comforting her right now,
pissed off that Alex was even in the goddamn picture. I knew I’d all but pushed her into his arms and only had myself to blame.
Without another word, I spun away and started off in the opposite direction, my eyes searching the crowd for Elle’s dark hair. I found her over near the food trucks, sitting on one of the picnic table benches with her head buried in her hands. There was no sign of Alex—and thank God for that, I was so pissed off I’d likely throw fists first and ask questions later.
I sat down beside her. “What happened?” I asked, emotion clogging my words.
Elle stiffened upon hearing my voice. She lifted her head up, her eyes red-rimmed from crying and her brow furrowed with confusion. “What are you doing here?”
“I saw you leaving the stands,” I answered. “Why were you crying?”
She was silent, her cheeks tinged pink with embarrassment. She opened and closed her mouth several times, searching for something to say. “I had a panic attack,” she muttered, closing her eyes as if she was embarrassed to see my reaction.
“What brought it on?” I angled my body towards hers, letting our knees touch. I brought my hand up and brushed her dark hair out of her face. Her eyes flew open, locking with mine.
“Post-traumatic stress disorder,” she whispered after a pause, biting her lip. “I guess I’m not cut out for the life of a paramedic after all.” Her jaw trembled, and she shook her head slightly. “I haven’t even been on the job for two years, Braden. I’ve only seen a handful of truly horrific accidents, and I’m already unravelling.”
She sounded so broken, so lost, so not the girl I knew and it tore me up in the worst possible way. All I wanted was to take her in my arms and hold her, kiss her tears away and somehow make it better—make it right.
My hand moved from her face to the back of her head, as I guided her to me. She rested her head on my chest and my arms wrapped around her. I tried not to think about how incredible it felt to have her in my arms again but damn, it was amazing. It was the best thing I’d felt in a long time—since I’d last held her. This was where I was supposed to be.
Rebel Heart: (Rebel Series Book 2) ((Rebel Series)) Page 12
