by Colin McAdam
And those were the days when Ghoul didn’t need to eat M&M’s when he made sentences.
Dave taught her to talk on the machine sometimes.
? Ghoul want nature.
Nature was a movie about trees.
? Ghoul want tickle.
Julie walked in calm and warm.
Then Dr. Duane came back one night and found Dave and Julie and Mr. Ghoul in the middle of games and talking on the floor with smokes. Dave and Dr. Duane shouted at each other and the Fool came in and took Mr. Ghoul to his bedroom.
He never saw Julie again, and then there was no picture of Julie on the machine.
Ghoul could only say
? Where.
? Why Ghoul make dirty.? Why Ghoul make dirty machine.
The picture for Why was this: ↔.
He knows the answer for When is Then and Where is There and What is That, and What is that, it’s a coin. But there is no answer for Why, neither in the World nor in the Hard nor in the dreams of young Ghoul or old. He never understood it.
Whenever Ghoul was asked Why, Ghoul did not know what to do, so Why, like Julie, disappeared.
The walls and floors and ceilings of the Hardest were white and he jumped up the walls sometimes in ¡harag! and Dave stopped saying Why.
twelve
The Wonder of Growing by Esther P. Edwards was a book which accompanied a range of toys, all designed for a child’s first few years of life. Judy had ordered the book and toys from the Sears catalogue when Looee was a baby. When she was a girl her parents did the same thing. She tried to enrich his childhood as much as she could.
Most of the toys came from the Christmas Wish Book or the general Sears catalogue when Judy ordered things for the house. The Big Toy Box, Twisting Turning Teddies.
When he was a toddler he bit everything in sight. When he grew up he could bite off a finger in minor irritation, bite off someone’s face or the scrotum of his tormentor. But Judy said no, Looee, we all have teeth but we don’t approve of biting.
Naturally she did not expect as much from his encounters with books as she would from another child, but he liked the talking books whose pictures made noises. What he loved from an early age was drawing or painting or colouring. He marvelled at a line emerging from a pen.
She bought a Little Learners two-sided wood easel, and she would stand and paint on one side while he sat up on a stool and painted on the other. He regularly came around to her side and made his noise for I like this. Sometimes she imagined she could see real shapes in his paintings. Maybe that was possible. When she looked at pictures or puzzles with him and said where’s the tree, where’s the cat, which one’s the front-end loader, he always got it right. He recognized representations, he just couldn’t create them. His hands were strong and capable, but not dexterous.
She bought him a flip-top desk because she realized he could never go to school. She watched him sit and draw. He banged on the desk in the way he did to say that this is mine.
He beat his hands on the living room floor, on the porch, on the lawn, to say that this is mine.
He sat more still now when they drew, groomed her with more love when they looked at pictures and she explained the dimensions of her world.
Looee was learning how to wash dishes in the sink when he was smaller and he slipped on the edge and fell in. Judy said sorry sorry sorry, hug hug hug, hugging herself before picking him up. And when she told Walt about it later, Looee overheard and hugged himself. It was one of those miracles of comprehension in tiny children that make all parents proud. He gets everything we say.
Sorry, hug became the gesture of regret, the one that was made whenever someone did something wrong. When Looee got too rough with Murphy and heard Murphy whine or Walt shout ENOUGH, Looee hugged himself before hugging Murphy’s head. Or when he tore the stuffing out of the cushions in the living room and Judy turned her back and walked away saying I’m not talking to you today, Looee walked after her upright, hugging himself repeatedly until she knew he was truly sorry.
It became a giveaway or sometimes a pre-emptive gesture. If Judy walked into the room and Looee was saying sorry, hug, she knew he had been up to something, that she would find a mess or something broken. Sometimes he would say sorry, hug before he did something wrong, knowing he would get in trouble but doing it anyway. On those occasions she was less convinced by his contrition.
The day after Mr. Wiley brought him home and Walt and Judy were mad at him, Looee sat in his room waiting for Judy to come and see him.
He stared at the wall across from his bed. He didn’t want to be in trouble; he wanted to play chase with Murphy and go to the Wileys’ fridge. He wanted to be nice to Judy so she would be nice to him. When he heard footsteps near the door he hooted and hugged himself several times to say sorry, sorry, sorry, but no one opened the door. A long time passed and he played with things in his room. He drank the two beers he had hidden under his bed and felt relaxed.
When Judy finally came in, feeling she had punished him enough, Looee was asleep next to the empty cans of beer.
I’m not sure what he’s growing into she said to Walt later.
thirteen
Visitors came to the window and Ghoul put urulek in his hand and threw it at the window, and the Fool came in. The Visitors were never Julie and now whenever he heard that sound
Visitor.
whenever he saw that picture light up
he tried to hold the urulek-heat inside in case the Fool came in with his stick. He refused to work till he burned and burned.
And one day he heard Visitor, and no one was at the window.
He looked at Dave, and Dave looked nice today.
Visitor.
Ghoul got up on his chair and said
? Where
And looked for the picture of Julie on the machine.
Dave said
Visitor behind-the-room.
It was the day that Ghoul met Podo.
Sitting on a chair behind-the-room with a long black string hanging from his neck was young Podo, not yet known to Ghoul as Podo and not much bigger than Ghoul himself when he ate too much popcorn. He was sitting behind Dave with his back to the wall and the Fool was there also with his stick.
Podo was staring at Ghoul and Ghoul could not look him in the eyes. He was wondering what the Visitor was doing, why he was behind-the-room with Dave, when Ghoul was not allowed to be.
Ghoul looked around at the machine and the desk in front of him and picked up his orange ball. He got down from his chair, threw the ball at the wall for a while, and got back up on his chair. He looked at the machine and said
? Who that.
Mr. Ghoul has a handful of pebbles. He is sitting on the branch above Fifi while she eats her peach. He makes sure Podo isn’t looking, and he drops a pebble on Fifi’s back.
When Ghoul looked again at the Visitor he was eating an apple. Ghoul wondered how the Visitor got the apple.
Dave give apple Ghoul.
The drawer under the machine slid open and delivered a piece of apple.
When Ghoul worked with Dave he only got pieces of apple: one good sentence meant a piece of apple. But the Visitor was eating a whole apple.
Dave give apple Ghoul.
Another piece came out.
Please Dave give apple Ghoul.
Dave said
Apple in hand.
Ghoul pressed the picture for more-than.
Nothing happened.
Please Dave give more-than apple.
The Visitor got down from his chair, walked towards Dave, got something that Ghoul couldn’t see and returned to his chair. He had a whole can of Coke.
Please Dave give more-than Coke.
It took Dave a while to understand that more-than meant everything.
Dave said
? Ghoul go behind-the-room.
And Ghoul wanted to go behind-the-room to see Dave and get whole apples and Cokes, but the Visitor was there. Again Ghoul said
? Who
that.
Dave walked over to Podo and was saying things that Ghoul couldn’t hear. Dave took the string off Podo’s neck. Podo looked at Dave and looked at the window where Dave pointed, at poogly Ghoul who would not look him in the eyes.
Dave came back to the window and said again
? Ghoul go behind-the-room.
Ghoul looked at the Visitor and said
No.
Dave walked over to Podo and started tickling him under his arms.
Ghoul watched and felt the heat he felt when Dave and Julie kissed.
Dirty.
Then he said
Dave tickle Ghoul.
Dave looked at the machine and the window and was smiling.
Podo was making gestures with his hands for more tickling.
Ghoul started screaming.
Dave came into Ghoul’s room and the Fool stayed behind-the-room with Podo.
Ghoul ran to the corner away from Dave because he would never let Dave tickle him again, unless Dave tickled him.
Dave came closer and Ghoul complained but Dave came close anyway, and Ghoul knew that Dave still liked him so he tackled Dave and they rumbled.
Podo watched from the other room. The Fool was close.
Dave went back behind-the-room without closing the door and Ghoul watched him give the Visitor a whole banana, for doing nothing but being a Visitor.
Ghoul went back to the machine and thought. He summoned the pictures of what might happen, but there were no pictures.
Please give Ghoul more-than banana.
Dave came to the door and said come, and withdrew behind-the-room.
Ghoul got down from his chair and walked carefully. He looked through the open doorway and the Visitor was eating and making noises. Dave was sitting on his chair and Ghoul looked at all the chomp that went into the machine and wondered whether to eat or run or jump on Dave or hide in his bedroom with a doll. Dave said Ghoul be good in his normal Dave voice and he got down on the floor and they sat. Podo got off his chair and Ghoul was scared and wanted to go back to the machine to ask what the Visitor was doing.
But the Fool had shut the door.
Podo came near and his hair was raised.
Ghoul turned his back to Podo and looked at Dave.
Dave was smiling and saying with his hands and mouth
That Podo.
Ghoul felt a wind that wasn’t there on his back and his cock stood up with fearjoy. Podo might do anything.
Dave was still smiling and Ghoul wished he could ask questions. He couldn’t remember what dirty Mary had taught him to do with his hands to ask questions.
The wind that wasn’t there grew stronger on his back.
Dave was smiling and looking at the Fool over their shoulders.
Dave and the Fool saw Podo and Ghoul sitting on the floor with their backs both turned to each other.
Ghoul heard Podo make noises and Podo heard Ghoul do the same. Podo made one noise and Ghoul made that same noise and Podo wriggled backwards a little. Ghoul looked at Dave.
Dave got up and walked behind Ghoul, and as Ghoul started to turn to see where Dave was going, his back touched Podo’s and they both jumped up and screamed.
Podo jumped on the goon of Ghoul and Ghoul found it funny to bury his face in Podo’s belly and he flipped Podo over and Podo put his foot in Ghoul’s mouth and Ghoul nibbled. Podo laughed from the tickle and Ghoul laughed for the laughing and they rolled and rolled in black animalalia while Dave and the Fool were pinned against the wall.
Ghoul had a friend named Podo.
Yesterday Jonathan tried to push into Mama and Podo bit his arm and drove him to the ground, with fists more than fists like hail is more than water.
Jonathan was chased to the edge of society and lurched like liquid meat. No one would go to him and Podo went to Fifi, and they shared the question and answer of race, if that was everything there will be more.
There is a great blue wall around the World. Sometimes they think of it and sometimes they don’t.
And Fifi is still pink today, but it is different. A new flower is red one day and red the next but the next it isn’t new.
She is the first to step out after eating cheese and two fists of bananas, and her lips and feet carry peaches out to the morning heat. Mr. Ghoul is last to the food.
It hurts when Podo breathes this morning and he needs to be alone but doesn’t. He needs some hands on his back, and chomp in his mouth, and will not abide demands. He claps and a skrupulus forms. Fifi and Mama and the new one gather around him. Podo reaches over his shoulder and taps on his back, and Mama goes to him. She tries to see pictures of Podo and the secrets in his chest and she touches his back while her mouth makes sounds of loyalty and care. He coughs his complaints and she hears his breath, and she thinks of rain and the loss of her cat and wants to keep the new one close.
Fifi rests on Podo’s lap but it irks him. He flicks her off and she arphles and fleps and goes elsewhere to eat her peaches.
Mr. Ghoul sees his opportunity.
Fifi feels the pebble on her back, looks up and sees Mr. Ghoul in the tree. He drops another pebble which lands on her shoulder. She understands.
Fifi feels the twitch behind her legs like her hips want to eat their own peach. She puts the peach on the ground and makes soft noises to Mr. Ghoul who feels rich involutions from his throat down to his tightening balls of all that is unknown and good. He almost jumps down, but remembers the need for discretion.
He tosses another pebble at Fifi.
She wonders why.
He looks towards Podo who is lying on his side with his back against Mama. Mr. Ghoul climbs down to the ground and touches Fifi on the neck and leads her into the first grove of trees. It is cool in the grove and they move fast and shaky. Fifi bends forward and manoeuvres in the way she must for bent Mr. Ghoul. She looks over her shoulder and his hair and nails catch fire.
In the grove of trees are a million sugared hummingbirds screaming more is never enough, and before Fifi can blink there is a burst from the needles on the trees and ground that says, in fact, that’s enough.
Mr. Ghoul feels the oa.
Podo is asleep.
Fifi leaves the grove.
Mr. Ghoul stays behind.
There is no beginning and end to the trees, the ground, Mr. Ghoul and the wall.
He feels the oa.
He stays behind and thinks nothing.
He smells something and thinks of Fifi.
He would like to do that again.
fourteen
Daily, monthly, the force of Looee’s moods increased, and whether he was happy, depressed, mischievous or malignant, he was growing and making more noise. Almost everything he did had an accompanying noise, and some grew so loud that when Judy was tired or uneasy she would shush him and say the neighbours are going to think we’re running a zoo.
Their house was indeed becoming infamous. They had no idea how many acquaintances and strangers drove by and said that blue one there’s the monkey house. People would knock on a Saturday afternoon with children wondering if they could see the circus. Looee was friendly at first, just as curious as they were, and Walt didn’t mind showing him off sometimes.
Looee was very excited around kids. He took the hands of those who were his size, or smaller, and showed them his toys and the kitchen. Their parents were worried and amazed. Judy didn’t so much like the look on some people’s faces—she saw judgment or arrogance or hints of dark questions she had not yet found the answers to.
Walt was not exposed to Looee’s moods as much as Judy was, but he sure knew it when Looee wasn’t happy.
Can’t you just tell us what the trouble is, you’re not a baby anymore.
Looee woke them up one night with screams that came from the hollows of everything manmade. They ran to his room and found him sitting up with his bedside light on, shrieking at something on the wall that none of them could see. He wouldn’t stop.
What is it Loo
ee said Judy.
When they settled him and went back to bed they were less awake than they thought they were.
I’m wondering if you stop feeling blue just because you can say I’m feeling blue said Walt.
I feel better when I say it said Judy.
Their bodies were united by Looee’s screams and Judy thought there are no words for what you do not know.
Are you blue, Walter.
I think it’s just winter he said.
Looee reached his sixth or seventh year. He was more or less the size of an eight-year-old boy. He was big for his age because of Judy’s good food. Sometimes he looked small because he walked on his knuckles, and he still liked to be carried when he was tired.
They couldn’t take him out in public as much anymore. Walt took him to his office sometimes and had shown Looee how to use the phone. He would call Judy (Walt would dial) and she would tell him stories about the boy with the hairy face. He kissed the mouthpiece and heard very little.
He ate forty cobs of corn with Larry one summer and was proud. Judy dyed her hair more blond and Walt said I didn’t think you could look any younger. Looee was scared at first because he thought she was Barbie. Earlier that summer, Barbie had given him strange feelings and he sat on her, naked, on and off, for a few afternoons.
He stayed up at night in his room thinking of ways to get out and visit Mr. Wiley and his fridge. For a few nights he heard small scratching noises coming from somewhere in his bedroom. He walked from his bed to the wall and put his ear to the wainscot. He tore the wood off the wall and discovered the tickles of feeding termites.
If he had grown up in Sierra Leone he might have developed a taste for termites, but he was full of chicken Kiev and wanted to play or make friends. He tore the rest of the wainscot off the wall and covered it with pillows and cushions to keep it quiet.
Judy discovered the torn-up wall in the morning. She told Walt who said goddamnit when he saw it. The wall would have to be replastered.
Later that week Looee threw the radio through the living room window because something in the song American Pie made him think that Judy was going to be attacked. He hugged himself but was heavily scolded.
