by Liwen Ho
“Hi guys, it’s good to meet you.” Ashlynn smiled. “I’ve heard a lot about you both.”
Darren chuckled. “Good things only, I hope.”
Seth reached out to shake Ashlynn’s hand. “It’s nice to finally meet the new girl in Jeremy’s life.”
The server came over to take their order and soon returned with their drinks. The guys started in on their beers while Ashlynn sipped an iced tea.
“So, this is your last night in Boston, huh?” Seth directed his question at Ashlynn. “Did Jeremy take you to Bogie’s? I hope he did because their prime rib is out of this world. They dry age it for thirty days. When you age it that long, the juices really get absorbed into the meat and it comes out really tender and flavorful.” He licked his lips as he savored an imaginary piece of steak in his mind.
Jeremy noticed Ashlynn’s amused expression. “Seth here is our food expert. Even though we share some of the same genes, he definitely got the ones for good taste buds.”
“I see that. I can almost taste the prime rib just by the way you described it.” Ashlynn grinned at Seth. “Unfortunately, we didn’t make it over there, but I’ll definitely put it on my list of places to go next time.”
“Yeah, well, I like to say that Jeremy got the good looks in the family, but I got the brains and talents. Eating and cooking are two of those talents.” Seth chuckled and patted his prominent stomach.
“Mine’s drinking.” Darren laughed as he crushed an empty beer can in his hand.
“I see some things haven’t changed,” Jeremy said with a frown. “You might want to slow down and leave room for the main course.”
“Don’t you remember that back in college, this was the main course?” Seth joked as he clinked his beer with Darren’s newly opened can. “Man, those were the days. All I needed to be happy was a cold one in my right hand-”
“And a hot one in your left,” Darren interjected with innuendo. “Hey, speaking of … we’re going to hit a new club after dinner.” He raised an eyebrow in Jeremy’s direction. “You guys wanna join us? It’s about time you were our wingman.” He turned to Ashlynn with a smirk. “Back in college, Jeremy always knew how to get the ladies. No girls would pay attention to us when he was around.”
Seth chimed in, “We were lucky if we got any of his leftovers.”
Ashlynn looked questioningly at Jeremy. “I see.”
“I think you guys have had a little too much to drink.” Jeremy eyed his old roommate and cousin sternly. He had a bad feeling about where the conversation was headed. These guys knew more information about him than he liked. And worse, alcohol had already started to cloud their judgment. “Thanks, but we won’t be joining you guys later. I’m sure you two will be fine on your own.”
“Suit yourself.” Seth took a gulp of his beer and grinned. “Looks like Ashlynn here’s been able to tame you.”
Ashlynn looked at Jeremy who gave her a wary smile. Maybe she did know a thing or two about taming lions after all. “I guess I do have that effect on him.”
Darren snickered. “I don’t know how you did it. There was a time when he had a different girl over every night. I camped out at Seth’s apartment so often, he made an extra key for me. But what’s a little sacrifice to help a brother out.” He raised his beer towards Ashlynn. “I gotta hand it to you, Ashlynn. Getting Jeremy to settle down is not an easy feat. You deserve a toast.”
Ashlynn swallowed hard in disbelief. There must be some mistake. A different girl every night? Were these guys playing some kind of joke on her? She didn’t know how to react but to smile politely and clink her glass with Darren’s can.
Jeremy exhaled in relief when the server delivered their meal. He suddenly felt his hunger being replaced with dread. He had seen the shock in Ashlynn’s eyes when Darren made his last comment. If only he had taken the opportunity to talk to her before.
They dug into the pizzas and ate in silence for a few minutes. After a while, Jeremy directed the conversation to the latest video games the guys were playing. Ashlynn chewed her slice slowly while also digesting the information the guys had shared about Jeremy. She wasn’t sure what to believe. She would definitely be asking him to clear things up as soon as she got the chance … and the courage.
- - -
After dinner, Ashlynn and Jeremy drove back to Jill’s house in silence. She turned to look at him, noting how uncharacteristically quiet he had been since they left the restaurant. She watched him drum his thumbs on the steering wheel. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” Jeremy’s voice came out flat.
Ashlynn took a deep breath. It was now or never. “Do they usually talk about you so much?”
He turned to her with a tight smile on his face. “Seth and Darren? Yeah, they’re always on my case. Probably because they don’t have much of their own stuff to talk about.”
She nodded slowly. “Jeremy, they were joking, right? Like the comment that Darren made, the one about you having a different girl over every night in college? That wasn’t true, was it?”
Jeremy blew out a breath. At that moment he pulled up in front of his sister’s house and parked the car. He placed the engine in idle in order to keep the heater on, then turned to face Ashlynn. A street lamp overhead shone in through the windshield and illuminated the creases on his forehead. “I need to tell you something. I’ve been wanting to tell you for a while now, but I could never find the right time.”
Ashlynn saw his shoulders stiffen. Her stomach knotted at the seriousness of his tone. “What? What is it?”
Jeremy looked into Ashlynn’s eyes, hoping desperately she would accept what he had to say. “When I left for college, I wanted so much to start over. I was finally away from my family and the mess that had gone on between my parents. I didn’t have to be the man of the house anymore. So, I decided it was my time to have fun.”
Ashlynn stayed quiet, but she nodded her head for him to continue.
“I joined a fraternity as soon as I got on campus. I partied with the guys whenever I could, and I started drinking. A lot. I did a lot of things I wish I hadn’t.” Jeremy shook his head and his eyes clouded with regret. He paused before he said the next words, which he was sure had the power to make or break their relationship. Ashlynn would likely never think of him the same way again. But it was time to be honest. About everything. He steeled himself for her reaction. “What the guys said tonight was true. I had some casual… relationships.”
Ashlynn inhaled quickly, her head spinning. “Wh-what? What are you saying?”
“There were always girls at the frat house looking to have some fun. When you added alcohol to the mix, things got out of hand really fast.”
“What do mean by casual? Did you know these girls?”
He paused for a moment and cleared his throat. “Some of them I met through the other guys. Some, I didn’t.”
Ashlynn felt as if she had been punched in the stomach. She had a hard time believing the words coming out of Jeremy’s mouth. Sleeping around with girls he didn’t even know? Who was this man sitting next to her?
Jeremy plunged ahead with more details in an effort to explain himself. “At the end of my sophomore year, I got tired of partying. I was also failing my classes and got placed on academic probation. Around that time was when I met Sara. I knew I needed to get my act together. It took a while, but I got my grades back up. Then I moved out of the frat house.”
“With Sara?”
“Yes, with Sara. Things were good for a while, but I still couldn’t forget everything I had done.” Jeremy pushed up the sleeves of his sweater. He mindlessly ran his thumb across the scars on his right forearm as he talked. “I knew I had messed up, badly. I had taken advantage of those girls and I hated myself for treating them that way.”
Ashlynn looked up at him and then down at his arms. “Jeremy, how did you really get those?” She pointed to the long scars that had been on her mind ever since she heard a lecture about self-injury the previous week
. She cringed at the possibility that Jeremy would have used a knife on himself. “It wasn’t because of a cat, was it?”
Jeremy sighed as he thought about the dark days he had gone through. The concern in Ashlynn’s voice also saddened him. He wished he didn’t have to unload so much on her. “I cut myself. It was a way for me to cope with the anger and guilt I had. When Sara found out about it, she got really scared. She didn’t know how to help me and she threatened to leave if I didn’t stop. That’s when I decided something had to change. It had been a long time since I had even thought about God, but I had nowhere else to turn. I started going to church again. I found some guys who supported me and prayed for me. Over time I started to believe that God could and did forgive me for what I had done. But it took an even longer time before I could forgive myself.”
Ashlynn’s heart was aching, in part for the pain she knew Jeremy had gone through, and in part for the shock she felt at finding out his history. She stared out the passenger window until she found her voice. “Why didn’t you tell me this before? Were you going to tell me at all?”
“I have been wanting to tell you. It’s been my intention from the start to be honest with you about my past. I’m sorry it came out like this. This was not the way I wanted you to find out.” He paused and took a deep breath. “I know you must have a lot of questions. You can ask me anything you want.”
“I don’t know where to start.” So many questions relating to this revelation swirled around in her head, demanding to be addressed.
“It’s okay, take your time.”
Ashlynn closed her eyes for a moment as she gathered her thoughts. She cleared her throat before speaking her questions to life. “Do you have any kids?”
Jeremy’s eyes widened in surprise. “I’m pretty sure I don’t.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I was careful, if you know what I mean.”
She inhaled quickly as another thought crossed her mind. “Have you gotten tested for STD’s?”
“Yes, I’m clean.” Thank God he had been spared in this area. “I haven’t been with anyone for a few years now. I saw the doctor again after we started going out just to be sure. I have the papers if you want to see them.”
Ashlynn shook her head in disbelief. “A few years? You’ve been with other girls since college?”
Jeremy’s pained eyes met hers. “A couple.”
“More… casual relationships?”
“More like short term ones. Not that it made it any better. I dated those girls for the worst reason possible; I was lonely. But as you can imagine, loneliness is the worst foundation for a relationship.”
Memories of their lunch at the sandwich shop and a woman in red heels suddenly crossed her mind. “Was Nicole one of those girls?”
“No, this was all before I moved here to California. Part of the reason I decided to come back was to have a new start. I needed to get away from the crowd I used to hang out with. I didn’t want to mess around anymore, getting into relationships with the wrong women and for the wrong reasons.”
Ashlynn blinked quickly. Was he done playing the field? What did he really understand about commitment anyway?
Seeing the doubt in her eyes, Jeremy emphasized his previous statement. “I’m ready to settle down. For good.”
There was no settling the uneasiness in the pit of her stomach as one final question burned in her mind. She paused for a moment knowing she was about to open Pandora’s box with it. “How many were there?”
“How many what?” Jeremy asked in confusion.
“How many girls were there?”
There was a moment of silence as Jeremy thought about how to answer. Some things were better left unsaid, especially mistakes of the past. But he understood Ashlynn’s curiosity; he would be equally as curious if the tables were turned. “Are you sure you want to know?”
“Actually, I’m not sure.” Ashlynn suddenly felt uncertain about a lot of things. Her heart flip-flopped in her chest. “But I know it will keep bugging me until I find out.”
Jeremy sighed. He longed to reach out and hold Ashlynn and tell her that none of this mattered. She was so much more important to him than any girl he had ever been with. “I’ll tell you. But please know, Ashlynn, this was long before we were together.”
“I know.” Ashlynn’s voice wavered even as she tried to hold her head up. She held her breath as she waited for Jeremy’s answer.
He cleared his throat. “Twelve. Including Sara, there were twelve.”
Twelve?! Was she meant to be unlucky number thirteen? Ashlynn remained silent while tears began to fall down her cheeks.
“Ashlynn, I’m sorry.” His voice broke with emotion. He hated to be the cause of Ashlynn’s sorrow. “What happened in college and the years after … I’m not proud of my history. But it’s part of who I am. I’m at peace with God now and with my past, too.” His voice softened. “I hope you can accept it. But if it’s too much for you, I understand.” He didn’t know what else he could say to ease the situation. He clenched his hands in frustration and looked expectantly at her, trying to read her expression. Her silence was killing him. “Ashlynn? Please say something.”
Jeremy’s words barely registered in her ears. She wasn’t sure what was worse - knowing or not knowing. But now that she knew, there was no going back. Ashlynn felt her throat tighten. This news was too much for her to handle. She couldn’t believe Jeremy had slept with a dozen girls, used them for their bodies, and tossed them aside without a thought. She thought she knew who he was, but she was wrong. So wrong. And now that she had a clearer picture of him, she saw his words and actions in a new light. “What happened with us last night … did you think you could take advantage of me like you did those girls? Like I’m some inexperienced girl you could sweet talk into doing what you wanted? You told me you love me. Did you say that so I would become another one of your conquests?”
“Ashlynn, it’s not like that at all. I said I love you because I do. It’s the truth. I have never felt this way about anyone.”
“Don’t try to tell me you’ve never used that line before on other girls.”
“I-I didn’t mean it those times-”
“I bet it worked on those girls, too, didn’t it?”
His silence confirmed more than she wanted to know.
“I thought you were different, Jeremy. I really hoped you were.” Her last words came out in a whisper.
“Let me show you I’ve changed. I will do whatever it takes to prove it. I can be the man you want.” Jeremy reached for her hand, only to have her pull it away.
The evidence was too clear for Ashlynn to ignore; the man she wanted would never have the kind of baggage Jeremy did. Nothing he could do would change that fact. The tears burning her throat threatened to burst forth like water from an open dam. “I need some time alone. Please, can we go in?” She stepped out of the car before he could answer and slammed the door shut. She ran up the steps to the front porch and waited for Jeremy to open the door.
He cut the engine and ran after Ashlynn. As soon as the door opened, she ran in and up the stairs to the guest room.
“Ashlynn, please…” Jeremy found himself standing alone on the bottom step.
- - -
Jeremy stared at the clock on the bedside table and watched the numbers change. It was close to two in the morning and he still couldn’t sleep. His conversation with Ashlynn kept replaying in his mind. He knew it would take some time for her to come to terms with his past. If she ever could.
Lord, I could really use Your help, he prayed. How do I prove to her that I’ve changed?
What a loaded question. What proof did he have that he was no longer ruled by selfish and impulsive desires? How could he show Ashlynn his heart belonged to her and her alone?
He tossed and turned in bed as he thought. After a while, the answer came to him suddenly, causing him to sit up. In that very moment he also heard a wail coming from the next room, Ashlynn’s room. He jumped out of bed, ra
n down the hall and opened her door without hesitation. In the darkness of the room, he made out a figure on the bed in the corner. He rushed over to find Ashlynn curled up in a fetal position, her body wracked by deep sobs. He turned on the lamp sitting on the nightstand. “Ash!” When she didn’t respond, he gently shook her. “Ash, wake up. You’re dreaming. Wake up.”
Her eyes opened with a start. She shook her head, struggling to catch her breath. “What happened?”
“You were having a bad dream.” Jeremy couldn’t stand to see her face contorted in such pain. He sat down on the bed and took her in his arms. He felt her heart pounding against his chest. “I heard you crying and came over.”
She wiped away the tears on her face and hid in his chest, breathing in his clean, soapy scent. “Th-thanks for coming.”
“You’re safe now.”
Ashlynn nodded and took a deep breath, grateful to have Jeremy by her side even though she was still reeling from his disclosure that evening. His strong arms offered her the safe haven she desperately needed right then.
“Do you remember what you were dreaming about?”
Her body shivered as the horrible scenes flashed through her mind again. “It’s the same dream …”
“You’ve had it before?”
“Every night for two months after my parents died. And every year around their anniversary.”
“What happens in the dream?” he gently nudged.
“I really don’t want to talk about it.” As Ashlynn’s heart calmed down, her thoughts suddenly turned to the present. She noticed Jeremy’s warm breath skimming over her bare shoulders and began to feel very vulnerable and exposed in her nightgown. She quickly withdrew from his arms and pulled the covers up to her chin. “You should go back to bed.”
“Tell me about the dream, Ash. I want to know.”
She shook her head. “I’ve never told anyone about it, not even Ben.”
“It’s time you told someone. I’m listening.”
She squeezed her eyes shut and exhaled slowly. “I see my parents’ car on the highway … “
“Go on. What happens next?”
