by Dee, Bonnie
His jaw tightened slightly, and he inhaled, nostrils flaring. “Love you, too.” He paused then added, “I guess, if I hadn’t kept you in the dark, made you doubt—”
“No. Don’t! It was completely my mistake. I was stupid, selfish and weak.”
Tom managed a faint smile. “Okay. You can have the blame. I’m not going to arm wrestle you for it.”
Denny smiled back, so relieved not to have lost Tom forever that he was shaky. His legs felt like they were about to buckle. “What now?”
Tom hesitated only a moment before opening his arms again. “Come on.”
Denny stepped into his embrace, hugging him hard enough to make his ribs creak. They remained that way for a long time, huddled together like shipwreck survivors.
“I love you. I’m so sorry,” he muttered against Tom’s shoulder.
“I know.” Tom stepped back and took his hand. “Right now, I’m too damn worn out to be as mad at you as I should be. But when I’m feeling better…watch out. This ain’t over.”
Denny nodded, realizing he was only half teasing.
Tom squeezed his hand tighter and together they walked to their bedroom.
Home. Home at last. Denny’s heart sang the words over and over like a refrain. As he dimmed the light and climbed into bed, he felt like he’d finally reached the finish line after running a marathon that lasted months. He was bone weary and wanted nothing more than to lie here with Tom forever.
But there was still more work before him, back out on the road. He’d have to take the brief moments they had together and make the most of them.
Scene Thirteen: Opportunity
The spotlight illuminated her and Elena opened her mouth and sang. She was hot tonight, all cylinders firing, every beat, every note perfect. She was Kathleen, the character resonating in the timbre of her voice, her actions and facial expressions. The performance was effortless, and she knew this was one of those nights she’d remember forever. Turning to Michael, she felt Kathleen’s pain and understood how badly she needed to hear Aaron say, “I love you. Please don’t go.” She sang “Don’t Hurt Me”, knowing Kathleen wouldn’t hear those words—at least not until almost the end of the play.
When the show was over, she received a standing ovation at curtain call. The show as a whole often did, but this particular swell of applause and the audience surging to its feet was for Elena alone. Her smile widened as she accepted the praise, and inside she glowed warmly.
“Damn fine job tonight,” Michael said after the curtain closed. He was usually spare with his praise, so it was high tribute.
“Thanks. You weren’t too shabby, either.”
“I know.”
She grinned and shook her head at his cockiness. “Do you ever think about what happens next?”
“I thought maybe some Chinese food and drinks.”
“Funny.” Elena smacked his shoulder. “I mean after the tour. What are your plans? We barely talk about the future.”
Michael took her arm and guided her out of the way of a stagehand moving one of the walls of the set. “Planning isn’t my long suit. I tend to take things as they come.”
She didn’t really buy his breezy attitude anymore. Michael cared about many things deeply, much more than he admitted.
“This show was an amazing opportunity for both of us,” she said. “But you know the business. People forget you immediately if you don’t follow up with something. I’m talking about career planning.”
“Oh, Jesus. Career planning? I sure as hell don’t want to worry about that tonight.” He turned her toward him, tilted her chin up and kissed her. “So how about that Chinese?”
She sighed. “Sure.”
It wasn’t until the next day on the bus to Fargo that Elena’s words seemed prophetic. Stuart Machnik, her agent, called from New York to tell her a Hollywood director had seen her in the previous evening’s show and wanted her to screen test for a part in his new movie. Elena took the call in the only private place she could find on the tour bus, the bathroom. She was lucky to hear her manager at all through the broken signal.
“It’s huge, Elena.” Machnik was so excited his words tumbled out even faster than his usual staccato delivery. “Don Rawlings wants you to screen test for the second female lead in Ragged Quality. It’s a drama about these sisters who… Oh, never mind the plot. The important thing is Don Rawlings wants you! But there’s more. Here’s the kicker. Rawlings has Mark Grayson attached—the hottest actor in Hollywood today. Signed and sealed. Kaching! The indie film becomes a box office hit. You shine in your supporting role. There’s talk of Golden Globes and Oscars. Pretty soon the phone is ringing off the hook with offers!” Her agent was about to hyperventilate or come in his pants.
“But… I… He wants me to screen test? When?”
“Soon. I know that’s a problem, but we can’t pass on this opportunity. You can’t. Find a way to get time off. Fly to L.A. for the screen test. If you get the part, you’ll just have to break your contract with the show, because Rawlings plans to start production within the month.”
Leave Transitions in the middle of the run? It went totally against Elena’s work ethic. She could hear her mother’s voice scolding her. But images of her name on a movie screen and a future full of excellent scripts danced in her head. She couldn’t refuse.
“All right. Tell me where and when. I’ll find a way to be there.”
When she returned to her seat, she must have been grinning like a Cheshire cat because Michael quirked an eyebrow at her. “What’s up?”
Elena hesitated, tugging on her skirt and shifting in her seat while she decided how much she wanted to confide. “My agent has a lead on something interesting for me. I don’t know all the details yet.”
“Really? What is it?”
She laughed nervously. “I don’t want to talk about it and jinx it. I’ll tell you after I see if it pans out, okay?” She stared at the back of the seat in front of her, but from the corner of her eye she could see him watching her.
He was silent a moment. “Okay. Well, good luck. Let me know what happens.”
Elena felt like she’d lied to him, even though everything she’d said was true. Machnik’s lead on a movie career for her might dry up and blow away as so many other opportunities had. It was the nature of show business. One moment a director had to have you and only you for his project, the next, someone else caught his attention.
There was no reason to worry about the future or her relationship with Michael unless she had a solid offer. For now, she’d practice Michael’s Zen attitude and let things unfold as they would.
Elena rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes. But the monotonous drone of the bus engine couldn’t lull her to sleep. She drifted into an elaborate fantasy that ended with her on the Academy Award podium accepting the coveted little gold statue.
Everything fell into place with incredible ease. Machnik put her in touch with Rawlings. He told her he’d been struck by her performance and wanted her for his movie. His assistant called soon after to set up a time for her screen test.
Denny was back from his visit home and Peters didn’t hesitate to give Elena leave since she hadn’t taken so much as a sick day since the beginning of the run. The hardest part was figuring out what to tell Michael. She didn’t want to lie, but wasn’t ready to share everything about her opportunity.
He made it easy for her, not asking where she was going or what she planned for the day, knowing she had a secret but not pushing her. She admired that quality in him. If he’d been the one with a secret, she would’ve hounded him until he spilled everything.
The morning of her flight to L.A., Elena was dressed and applying make-up in front of the mirror when Michael emerged damp from the shower and wrapped only in a towel. His damp, sandy hair stuck out in all directions. Mm, he looked good in just a towel and bare skin.
Coming up behind her, he pulled her back against his warm, moist body, pushed her hair asid
e and kissed her neck. Their gazes met in the mirror. Elena smiled at his reflection, and reached over her shoulder to tousle his wild hair before trailing her hand down the side of his face. She could get used to spending mornings with him like this. Getting ready for the day after rising from a warm cuddle in bed. She blessed Logan for crashing somewhere else and giving them the room for the entire night.
Michael captured her finger in his mouth and sucked it a moment before letting it go. Cupping her breast, he kneaded lightly and tickled her nipple through her bra and shirt, making it stand to attention. Her breasts tingled and her sex tensed eagerly, but there was no time for going back to bed this morning.
She turned away from the mirror and pulled him down for a kiss, sucking his lips greedily. When she pulled away, there was a smear of coral on his lips. She reached up to rub the lipstick away with her thumb.
His eyes caught the morning sunlight pouring into the room and shone bluer than ever. Looking into those amazing eyes, she almost told him everything: her big opportunity and her fear of losing him if she took it.
He continued to gaze at her, waiting. Elena knew he sensed she had something to say, but he would wait for her to offer it.
When she simply smiled, he said, “Well, have fun today,” kissed her lightly and stepped away.
“I will,” she answered automatically, but she was almost sick with nerves and the desire to unburden herself to Michael.
The flight to L.A. was uneventful, as was the taxi ride to the studio. Elena kept waiting for something to derail this perfectly running train, but everything went smoothly, from her face-to-face meeting with Rawlings to her screen test. The director left after a brief meeting, having other obligations. He would watch the footage later, consult with the casting director and make his final decision.
Elena had performed onstage for years, but had acted in front of a camera only once for a cat food commercial. Rawlings’ PA had sent her the script so she wasn’t facing this audition cold. She’d memorized and practiced the lines alone, but it was strange being fed lines by an off-camera partner, and totally unnerving having a camera on her.
She took a deep breath and reminded herself to act more subtly than she would onstage. Every expression and quietest whisper would be caught on film. All she had to do was ooze sincerity. She plunged in and emoted her heart out, bringing up tears to rival Michael’s nightly display.
Another couple of takes from different scenes and they were finished with her. “Good. Thank you.” The casting director shook her hand, then left for another appointment.
Just that quickly it was over. Elena thought she’d done well, but couldn’t judge herself in this isolated setting with no audience feedback. It had felt good, but what the camera picked up was impossible to tell.
Before the flight back to Fargo, she called Machnik and left a message on his machine. There was no one else she could talk to about it, which was really hard when she was bubbling over with the need to share. In New York after an audition, she’d discuss how it went with her friends, most of whom were struggling actors, too, but this time Elena had to hold her huge secret inside as she waited to find out if she’d been cast.
Several times over the next few days, she caught Michael’s curious glance and almost told him, but ended up saying something inane instead. Every time her phone rang, her stomach jumped. Her mother, several friends from New York and Machnik checked in, but the call she was waiting for didn’t come.
By the evening of the third day, Elena was twitchy and irritable. She used the tension to her advantage, injecting more verve than usual into Kathleen’s anger.
After the performance was over and they exited the stage, Michael took her hand. “Walk with me. Don’t get changed first.”
He led her to the exit and they walked out into the cold night air. Wishing she’d stopped to put on a jacket, Elena shivered and hugged her arms around her body. Or maybe it was Michael’s serious expression making her tremble inside.
He folded his arms over his chest, and Elena felt he was putting a barrier between them, withdrawing into his own space. “What’s up? Are you pissed at me about something?”
“No. ‘Just acting’, remember?”
“I’m not talking about onstage tonight, but over the last week or so.” Michael’s frowned either in concern or anger, Elena couldn’t tell which. “I’ve tried to wait it out. I know women have their emotional spells, but you’re starting to worry me.”
“Emotional spells?” She laughed. “You’re such a chauvinist sometimes.”
“Well, something’s on your mind.”
“It is.” A weight lifted as she admitted it. “And I want to tell you, but I’m waiting until I know more.”
“A job offer.” His eyes scanned hers, searching for an answer. “What else couldn’t you share until you ‘know more’? You went to an audition the other day, didn’t you?”
There was no point in trying to hide it now. “Yes. A screen test for a role in Don Rawlings’ latest movie.”
“No shit! How did that happen?” Michael leaned against the brick wall, his posture as well as his tone relaxing.
Relieved to finally be able to tell, Elena told the story in a few short sentences. “So now I’m just waiting to hear back.”
“Wow! When would shooting start?” He didn’t reach out to hug her. His arms remained at his sides.
“If I get the role, I’d have to break my contract with the show because the shoot begins next month. It’s a big decision to make.”
“And a huge opportunity. Why didn’t you tell me about it before?”
“If nothing came of the screen test, there wasn’t any need, and if I got the job, I figured we’d worry about it then.”
He nodded.
“I wanted to put off discussing what my leaving means to us until it was necessary.” She smiled weakly. “Not easy for me. You know I love to have things out in the open and dissect them.”
He returned her smile. “Yeah, I know.”
“But I guess we’re there now. It’s time to talk about the job, and about our relationship.”
“Where would you film?”
“Toronto. The shoot shouldn’t last much longer than the run of the play, though, so we’d both be back in New York about the same time. We wouldn’t be apart that long.”
“Except, if you’re thinking of a movie career, you’ll probably need to move to L.A.” Michael glanced down the alley.
“Not necessarily.”
He stared at the ground. ”Long distance relationships don’t usually work.”
“Not if you don’t make an effort.” This was hardly the heartfelt declaration of love or even half-assed commitment she’d hoped for. She gripped her sides tighter, wanting to reach for him, but needing him to declare something to her first.
“I’m just being practical. It’s a fact that cross-country relationships are hard to sustain.”
Her insides shriveled at his cool assertion. This was exactly why she’d postponed talking to him, because she’d been afraid he would take it too easily. Once more she felt as if a wall had gone up between them. Michael’s Teflon surface was back in place.
“So, you don’t want to even bother? Are you suggesting we break up before we even know if I’m going anywhere?” Her temper and her voice rose.
“I didn’t say that.”
“You might as well have.” Elena swallowed back tears. He seemed ready to let whatever it was they had slip away without any effort to save it or even name it. “Do you care about me at all? Do you want me to stay?”
“Of course I’d like you to stay, but you have to take this opportunity if it’s offered. I wouldn’t hold you back from it.” His calm, rational tone made her more upset.
“That’s great.” She meant it to sound sincere, but her emotions percolated through the words, turning them into sarcasm.
“What?” He frowned and irritation heated his next words. “Did you want me to beg you to stay
or promise we’d be together forever? That’s a little unrealistic, don’t you think?”
“Of course. It would be unreasonable of me to expect any kind of commitment, any expression of…” She swallowed the word.
“Elena, you know I like you.” Michael pushed away from the wall and took a step toward her. “If things don’t work out with this audition, of course I want to keep seeing you, but if you go…it changes things. You know it does.”
“No, Michael. I don’t know that. But I do know you’ve made it clear you don’t care enough about me or our relationship to make any effort whatsoever to maintain it.” She drew a deep breath, while her inner voice asked her if she might not want to reconsider what she was about to say in the heat of the moment. But then the words came out anyway.
“Even if I don’t get the job, even if I stay with Transitions until the end of the tour, I think we’re finished.”
He froze. “What?”
“You heard me. The sex has been great, but I want more out of a relationship than that, and you clearly aren’t able to give it.”
Perhaps it was residual Kathleen fury coursing through her that hurled the words like stones from her mouth. God, where was conciliatory Kathleen from the last scene, the one with the beautiful song and the smile on her face? Did Michael even understand what she meant? She wasn’t asking for a lifetime commitment, just a token to show that he cared as much as she was beginning to care.
“Elena!”
She turned away from him and walked to the door, hoping to feel his hand on her arm pulling her back. Her inner voice still demanded to know what had just happened.
But Michael didn’t follow her or call after her. He didn’t try to stop her or ask her to listen to him. It proved what she’d already assumed, that he didn’t care enough. He liked her, but didn’t love her.
The thought burned in her mind and weighed her body down. Hiding behind a stack of flats, she collapsed against the wall and let them roll over her.
All the shared moments of laughter and lovemaking and teasing banter amounted to this: He didn’t love her. They’d had a good time, but he didn’t love her.
