by Martha Long
‘Like how?’ I said, wondering what he was talking about, feeling my heart sink.
‘Jesus! Sure, Teddy’s been missin for years. Right after Harry died. He disappeared soon after the funeral. Sure, ever since Harry died, they all went fuckin mad. Teddy was bad then wit the drink. But he really hit the bottle, then disappeared over te England. He hasn’t been seen since. I don’t even know if he’s dead or alive. No one knows, Martha,’ he said, looking at me with a pained look in his eyes. Then he went quiet, getting lost in his thoughts.
I stared at him, thinking. Yeah, he was bad on the drink, right enough. I saw that at Harry’s funeral. Fuck! I felt myself sinking. The weight of years of the ma and Jackser, then the kids getting into trouble, was washing itself all over me. It suddenly felt like I had never left.
‘What about the rest of them, Charlie?’ I said, feeling afraid to ask.
He puffed out his breath slowly, keeping his eyes on the floor. Then shook his head.
‘Agnes is the same. Gone, vanished. Oh, the ma really hated her. Couldn’t stand the sight of her from the day she was born! When she was little and would try to sit on the ma’s lap, tha aul one would push her away. Yeah. “Ger away from me an stop annoyin me!” she would say. Poor kid. Tha aul one couldn’t even stand te look at Agnes. She would turn her head away in disgust. Like the kid had some terrible disease. She used te kill tha child. Funny enough, the aul fella used te go for the ma, shoutin at her te leave the child alone. He was the only one took any notice of Agnes.’
‘Did he?’
‘Yeah!’ Charlie smiled, seeing me look shocked at the idea of Jackser showing a bit of heart.
‘Jesus! So he minded her?’
‘Oh, yeah! He had te protect her from the aul one!’
Hmm, I wonder why, I thought. Maybe poor Agnes was too desperate. Usually the babies learned very fast not to put out their arms for her. She never showed any feeling towards them, so no one looked for it. It sounds like Agnes was having none of it; she was very soft and highly intelligent. She must have been determined to get her ration of some feeling out of the ma, even if that meant getting it dragged screaming out of her! Never mind if it was only a box landed on the ear – that was better than stone indifference, I thought. At least Agnes could be assured then she really did exist.
‘Ahh! But little Agnes was gorgeous!’ I said, smiling as I got the picture of her. ‘She was like a little doll and she talked like a blue-arse fly, and that was all before she could barely walk!’ I keened, letting me voice cry and my face ache with the delight and pain of her.
‘Yeah, I know,’ he smiled. ‘She was, wasn’t she?! She was really smart, too. Funny enough, she reminded me a lot of you,’ he said, pointing his finger at me and lifting himself up to straighten in the chair. ‘Yeah! Just like you.’
‘Eh! How?’
‘Well, there was nothin she wouldn’t do te try te please the ma. If tha aul one wanted somethin, she would ask Agnes te get it fer her. So, Agnes would rob the shops blind te make the ma happy. Just like you! She never got caught either! But it was never enough; the ma always wanted more. The poor kid was desperate te get the ma te like her. But ye know wha tha aul one is like. Once she got wha she wanted, she would turn her nose up at it then start complainin it was somethin else she had wanted. It’s funny, the pair of you. You were both smart, yet ye fell for the ma’s greed; the two of youse always wantin te make her happy. I knew ye fuckin couldn’t! She didn’t like me, nor ever did. So I couldn’t give a fuck. I did nothin for either a the pair of them! I saw how they treated you. Tha was enough for me. I fucked off the first time he threw me outa the house. I was only about nine or ten. Remember? Tha time when you came back lookin for a bed.’
‘Did I? When?’
‘After ye got outa the convent an lost the job ye had.’
‘Oh, yeah!’
But no chance. I know. I was desperate! But someone had … driven me there. I’m not saying who or why. I’m not wanting to be dragging up old memories, I thought.
‘No!’ I said. ‘I took one look at the place. Fucking Jesus! It was a hellhole. No, Charlie! I hadn’t the slightest idea of staying there. I was really looking for you, I suppose. I just went in to see the ma because I had been dropped outside the bleedin door. Anyway, just as well – I had no hope of getting a bed outa her for the night.
‘Gawd, Charlie! That was a century ago! I was what? Sixteen – you were eleven then.’
‘Yeah! I had been living rough, mostly sleeping in the fields for a long while by then, Martha. They never fuckin wanted us, you or me anyway, Martha. Lucky for you them courts sent ye away te tha aul convent!’
‘Yeah! I suppose so,’ I sighed, wondering which was worse – the loneliness of the convent or … what?
‘So, what happened to Agnes?’ I said, seeing him light up another cigarette. ‘Think I’ll have a smoke meself,’ I said, opening my tobacco and rolling a smoke.
‘She ran away,’ he said, taking the smoke deep into his lungs. I watched as he let it out slowly, saying, ‘when she was around twelve.’
‘Did she?’
‘Yeah,’ he grinned. ‘She got herself into a homeless hostel for girls. Then, you wouldn’t believe it, she got herself adopted!’
‘Adopted, Charlie?!’ I said, nearly swallowing the cigarette with the astonishment.
‘Well, not exactly tha, but near enough. A woman took a likin te her, someone she met. She was a very nice person an she took Agnes te live with her. She had no kids of her own an she was a widow. So Agnes was like a daughter te her. But then she used te go out te see Harry. They were always great pals. She idolised him; he used te look after her when they were young. He would rob sweets for her when she was little. But by the time she went te live wit the woman, he had gotten himself a flat, too – not far from the ma’s. I think he was squattin at the time. Then time moved on. Harry got married an settled down. Then Agnes got a job in a kennels mindin dogs. She loved dogs. I think she preferred dogs te people!’ he laughed. ‘Anyway, she turned up for Harry’s funeral. Then tha was the last anyone ever saw of her. Up till then she would be over wit Harry or ye could bump inta her in town. You were always bound te meet her sometime or other; Dublin is a small place. So I don’t know – she hasn’t been seen since,’ he said, looking worried, with his face creasing like he was going to cry. ‘Ye don’t think she might a done something, do ye, Martha?’ he said, staring at me intently, with a terrible thought just occurring to him.
I stared, feeling my heart sinking even lower. ‘No!’ I said slowly. ‘She’s a survivor, Charlie. She’s not the type!’ I said, trying to picture Agnes giving up on life.
‘Wha type do ye need te be, Martha?’ he whispered, staring hard at me, thinking I was wrong. ‘I mean, look at yerself!’ he puffed, shaking his head at me and looking away, then looking back and leaning into me. ‘I would have said the same about you. But, bleedin hell! Remember tha time I had te visit you in the intensive care in the hospital? You were a goner, Martha. I don’t know how they managed te pull ye through! Ye fuckin up an died! Right in front of me own eyes! I was there! Standin right in front a ye when ye had tha cardiac arrest! Fuck! You nearly gave yourself yer marchin orders, Martha, wit tha overdose ye took!’
‘Yeah, yeah,’ I sighed. ‘I remember, Charlie. And not a day goes past when I’m not down on my knees thanking the mercy of God for sparing me,’ I whispered, thinking, God had a plan for me. I now have two incredibly lovely children and a whole lot of living to look forward to.
I lifted my head, seeing Charlie staring at me.
‘Who knows, Martha, where she is? Or wha happened te her? She was a bit of a loner. She never bothered wit boyfriends, not as long as I knew her. I never saw her wit a fella, Martha. I think tha aul one an Jackser put her off men!’
‘Funny, but the ma put me off women!’ I said, thinking I went through my whole life believing women were a nonentity. It was not that I even disliked them. No, it was worse �
� they didn’t really exist as far as I was concerned.
I had few girl friends and when I did, they had to be as mad as meself. But that recognition never even dawned on me. I wasn’t aware, not until one day I was stuck with a whole load of women. As usual, they were talking about the holidays they went on, clothes and other rubbish I wasn’t interested in. I couldn’t get near the men. It was a party, but they had managed to group themselves off in another room. I couldn’t wander in there without making it look like I was ‘man-hunting’. I wasn’t wanting to do that, anyway; I didn’t really trust them! I was, underneath, terrified of the idea of a man getting close. But I could get around them. They were the ones with the power. The world was ruled by men, and I at the time could wield a bit of power over them! Play them at their own game, then run for me life when they tried to get their hands on my body. No way! That was the very thing to lose the only bit of power we women had! Men wanted a whore in bed and a lady for a wife. It was a very thin line we walked. Anyway, I figured when you got emotionally involved with a man and started sleeping with him, then you were lost. He could play you like a fiddle any way he wanted. So, just play their game but don’t fall into their trap.
But this particular time, the women were on to the subject of men. ‘I do think, darling, one should have one’s own bedroom,’ one very grand woman was saying, holding court among the biddies. She was married to a wealthy toff.
‘Yes,’ another one says. ‘When one gets the mating call, or is summoned, wear out the carpet down the corridor, dear! Absolutely agree with you.’
‘Haw-haw!’ they all squealed, breaking into peals of laughter that sounded like breaking glass, or some, like bleedin horses neighing. They were the horsey brigade – thundering off with their men, hunting and fishing. Jaysus! It was a very grand do! I was moving in high circles then. Anyway, the one wanting separate beds then went on to say, ‘You know, I think we girls sticking together, having one’s close girl friends, keeps us sane. Goodness! Without them, I would die. Men! They are such clots. One can’t talk to a man, share things and have the same empathy one does with a woman. We women understand each other. Don’t you agree?’ she whispered, peering at them, letting her eyes stare from one to the other.
‘Yes,’ they all murmured, shaking their head, looking very definite.
My ears had pricked up and I stood listening with my mouth open, then started thinking. Do they? Are they more understanding? What? You can talk to them? Even love them? Come to think about it, Martha, you never give women a second thought! You look at them but you don’t see them; you see Sally, the ma. So you turn off when they try to talk to you. Jesus! Wonder why that is? Then it was dawning.
THE MA! The bloody ma. She was such a shadow to Jackser, she never stood up to him. She never batted an eyelid when he tried to murder us. Well, me and Charlie, if he was handy – ‘the two bastards’. But he was mostly gunning for me. I was the oldest of the ma’s bastards. The gofer. “Go for this! Go for tha! Hurry, ye whore’s melt!” Kick, punch! “Wake yerself up, Missus!” Yeah, the mild times. But then there was the nasty stuff! Trying to kill me. Taking me off and stranding me miles in the country when I was little. Sending me off to jolly old England with a one-way ticket. Nasty fucker! I turned straight up again and found me way back home like a stray dog. But it all went over her head, that ma! She didn’t even blink. She let the massacres go on. Lived in a fucking twilight zone enclosed in her own little world, her very own private hell.
Hmm, yeah, I was thinking. I fought like a little demon to make her leave him. But I was too young to understand the ways of that woman. In her mind it was … I have a man, a roof over me head. The rest of youse can go an fuck yerselves. Childre comin every nine months was just somethin tha happened when ye got yerself a man. Fuck them! They can lie there in their own piss an shit! Let them starve.
I tried to reach her. Get her to mind us, notice we existed. ‘Ma! The babbie is eatin his own shit!! MA! Will ye look!!!’
‘Ahhh! Leave me alone. Fuck ye’s! I’m tormented wit the lot a ye’s.’ Then the shutters went down and she was locked in her own world, back to her only enjoyment, which was running her fingers through her hair looking for crawling lice. Yeah, she was caged up in a corner of her own mind, lost in a world of lice, just like a bored monkey. Yes, my ma, the woman that sent me a mile, running from the world of women.
Then Jackser! Hammering up and down the little room in his cobnailed boots, clenching and unclenching his fists, throwing his eyes from left to right, watching, fearing, listening, tormented by imaginary happenings. He was tortured by them. Then he would spring, lashing out at the nearest thing – the babby or me, mostly me! I was the biggest standing thing in his way. Babbies could take quick refuge, a fast crawl under the nearest table, chair, cot. Anyway! Being the bastard, another man’s leavings, was a definite torment to him. No, he didn’t like the two passengers she brought with her.
Still, I did come in handy. He could get a quick and short relief from the inner demons that tortured him by lashing it back at the bastard! The upside for me? Some very handy skills. Mother Nature compensated with instincts so fine-tuned it looked like I was a mind-reader, even psychic. I could smell trouble a mile away and had reflexes so finely honed I made a bullet seem slow! Hmm, very handy, that. I could have joined the SAS. Yes, nature compensates with the natural law of survival.
A smile crosses my lips as a vision appears of a little aul one coming back from a long distant past. She is an old head on a tiny set of shoulders. ‘Don’t fret yerself, Martha,’ she mutters. ‘We have somethin te be gained from everythin! Keep yer head down, keep goin. It’s all there ahead a ye! This’ll all be over one day; nothin lasts for ever!’
A sudden jolt of pain hit my chest as I stared back in time, seeing and hearing the inner voice of the ghostly little Martha. She’s not at peace, the once little me.
I pulled myself up, sighing and thinking, so that’s when it hit me. Yep! Imagine that! I never noticed women before. Half of the world was missing to me, and I never even noticed. From then on, I strained my eyeballs, my ears, taking them in. I talked to them, really listened. Yes, those posh ladies were right. Oh, indeed women can be a pain in the arse – the way they argue about every single detail, have memories like elephants, get hysterical about nothing! But they are caring. They are maternal, so very protective about their little ones, even the big ones. They would throw themselves in front of a bus to protect their child. They would share their last piece of bread with you. They want nothing from you. Just your friendship and loyalty is enough. They will stand by you. They will cry with you when things go badly wrong. They are brilliantly perceptive. They! We! I suddenly began to realise … I was a woman too! So what had I been before? Dunno. A nobody! A nonentity!
Yes, we women really do rule the world. We rock them in the cradle. We rule them when they’re men. They’re too daft to know it, poor lambs.
‘Martha! Martha, listen!’
I shook my head, seeing Charlie shaking my arm.
‘Oh! Sorry, Charlie. What? Were you saying something? I was miles away,’ I laughed, seeing him staring at me.
‘Yeah! You looked miles away all right!’ he snorted. ‘I was left talking te meself,’ he laughed, shaking his head then looking away from me like he was embarrassed.
‘What? What were you saying?’ I said, looking around me, seeing the nurse come in, look at the pair of us, then rush out again. ‘We’re the only two left here, Charlie,’ I whispered. ‘It must be getting late.’
‘Yeah! I was just sayin tha te you! Do ye think we should get movin, Martha? Wha time is it?’ he said, looking around for a clock.
‘I don’t know. I haven’t got the time,’ I said. ‘I don’t wear a watch.’
I looked again, seeing the night lights were on and hearing how quiet it was now. Visiting time must be well over.
‘Yeah,’ I sighed, looking at him, not knowing if I wanted to move or not. ‘I suppose I better f
ind out what’s going on,’ I said, seeing Charlie pin his eyes on the television. He was watching a man grappling for his life as he hurtled down a mountain, then landed on a branch, hanging on for dear life.
‘Stay here, Charlie. I’m just going to check what’s happening,’ I said, moving for the door.
He nodded, giving me a bit of a smile, looking distracted, then swung back to watch the drama.
5
‘Nurse,’ I whispered, creeping up to the desk, thinking how late it was. ‘How is Jackser? Is he OK?’ I said, looking at her as she lifted her head from writing in notes, then fastened her tired grey eyes that sat in a weary-looking pale face, letting them settle on me. But before she could get a word out, her mouth opened in a sudden yawn.
‘Sorry,’ she laughed then yawned again.
‘I think you should find an empty bed and crawl in for an extra bit of sleep,’ I said, leaning down to her and laughing quietly.
‘Oh, God! Don’t tempt me,’ she said, shaking her head then giving a quick look down at the notes sitting in front of her. ‘Not awake yet,’ she grinned, looking up at me. ‘I missed out on a few hours’ sleep. Tut! I knew it would catch up on me. Are you with Jackser?’ she asked, pointing to the room just beside us.
‘Yeah. We’ve been here all day.’
She nodded, saying, ‘Yes, the day staff mentioned you.’
‘Listen, Nurse,’ I whispered. ‘Has my mother or anyone else been in this evening since you came on duty?’
She shook her head, saying, ‘No, it’s just yourselves.’
‘How is he?’ I said. ‘He seems to be sleeping a lot.’
‘Yes, that’s the medication. But he’s comfortable. It’s hard to say with old people; their condition can change very rapidly.’
‘What’s wrong with him, Nurse?’ I asked, wanting to know.
She sighed, shaking her head, saying, ‘It’s better you talk to the doctor tomorrow. He’ll fill you in on everything.’
